ShadeDiva
Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline
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Well, I must say that Chameleon, you don't really seem to me to have that much experience in real life BDSM on a larger scale.
I can't count the number of times I've seen dominants *only* bottoming during a scene (you can't even tell who claims what end of the power spectrum by the scene they are in, to be honest, anymore than you can tell if someone that is wearing a collar is doing so out of being owned or because they like the feel or the look of it).
I know plenty of dominants that don't have a submissive bone in their body and I've seen bend themselves over for a variety of reasons - losing a bet, seeing how a potential or new toy feels, working out some angst, to work out sore muscles or a kink (heee!) in the legs, back, or neck, as a demo volunteer, or just because they got a wild hair up their ass.
As for switches - as one I think *you* are the one that's confused - not the switches, as we already *know* what *we* are. *smile* And you never know, it could very well be that in 10-20 years you discover a wee little spark on that end of the power spectrum for yourself - as we really never can tell how we will grow and what we will discover about ourselves - unless of course we firmly close our minds to anything but what we shortsightedly deem is the only right way to be. Many of us struggle with our duality, and then we get the added loveliness of folks either trying to invalidate us, or make us choose, or tell us we are this or we are that - when really the only real baggage that is existing is in that person's head - not ours.
We all can only be what we are. Some of us can only feel an urge or need to be one or the other. Some of us have a calling to both sides of the coin. We can deny them, those callings, those needs - to ourselves, to others - but in the end, all we are doing is denying ourselves the right and the experience of being *who we are*. I claim both sides because in truth no matter how I repressed or fought at various stages to be only one or the other - in truth I am merely both. I gain what you gain from domination. I gain what your submissive gains from submitting. I am free enough and open enough to stand up and allow myself to freely partake from each - not because I'm greedy, or don't know which to choose, not because I haven't decided who I am or what I want, but BECAUSE I know who I am and what I want, and *because* it is being open and honest and true to who I am, as a person. To deny either part, would be like you trying to deny you have any dominant tendencies.
Tell me, and think deeply on this - could honestly deny that part of yourself once you tasted it? Could you? Would you? If yes, why and if not, why not? If your answer is why not, then take that answer and apply it us, just on both ends.
I cannot deny nor hide who I am. And I shouldn't have to or be made to feel that I *should*. Can you choose between your heart and your lungs? No, because you NEED both. The same applies to us. We simply *need* both. So as such, we *want* both. What we don't need or like is people telling us we are confused, or not one or the other merely because they are incapable or unable or even yes! *unwilling* to wrap their brains around what is really a very easy concept.
And then after you make such a blatant slap in the face to those of us that simply have more to explore - you get pissy about something you quite obviously *misread* and state this fairly hypocritical little ditty:
>>I did not come from a Dom cookie cutter so don’t judge what you don’t know. thanks<<
And yet - your first post is *totally* you judging several things that you quite obviously don't know a thing about! Um helllooooo mcfly, lol. Apply what you'd like extended to YOU to others maybe, yanno? NONE of us come from little cookie cutters or little neat and safe little boxes with neat little labels - sorry. No wait, I refuse to be sorry about that because variety is a *good* thing. So if you don't like being made out to be a cookie cutter domlet - then do yourself a favor and spare us from you trying to force and shove us into your neat little boxes with your preconceived labels that are based most likely not from real life experience cuz we aren't going to fit and we aren't going to appreciate it and we simply aren't going to allow it. So there is the flack you were seeking. *chortle*
Now ... if you don't understand something, I would suggest you refrain from slapping a neat little label on it. And certainly don't think you are going to look like you have even a remote clue. Because all that does is make you appear foolish and kinda stupid, to be blunt. Try *asking* about it. Try maybe extending that brain and trying to learn about it - without slapping the very people you are seeking to clarify things for you in the face while *seeking* more info. *That's* rude, IMO.
Anyway that being said, let me move on to this interesting conflict, in your first post you state this:
>>You are either a Dominant person or you are a submissive person. Does not mean that a Dom. cant be nice just means that in the relationship realm He/She is Dominant and knows it. A true Dominant would never submit to a sub in real life, so get to know yourself and then make a decision. <<
Before I point out the glaring conflict, let me again say we *have* made a decision - which is not to allow close minded or short sighted or ignorance to affect our *decision* to be true to ourselves on every level. Your inexperience also shows in the assumption that a switch automatically would submit to a submissive - um helllooo, if they are *submissive* why would we submit to them? Unless the other person was a switch, we would seek a dominant or a top to submit to - not a submissive. And I'd just LOVE LOVE LOVE to see you tell some of the most respected dominants out there that because they bottom for whatever reasons or on occasion submit that they aren't a *true* or *real*(ugh those words alone says SO freaking much doesn't it?) dominant.
News flash: to use your words a true (or real) dominant doesn't seek to invalidate others, or have the unmitigated gall, and lack of tact to presume to seek to decide what others outside their relationships do in the ways that they choose to live their lives, and they most *certainly* don't go around telling people that TRUE and REAL dominants/submissives only do X, Y, and Z in that order and if they deviate that they are disqualified from the "real and true dom/sub club."
Now to the conflict in your posts above you state:
>>You are either a Dominant person or you are a submissive person. Does not mean that a Dom. cant be nice just means that in the relationship realm He/She is Dominant and knows it. A true Dominant would never submit to a sub in real life, so get to know yourself and then make a decision. <<
Can't you *see* how judgmental and rude that is at all? It seems so obvious to me that is going to strike most folks the wrong way, lol. And then you go into this:
>>Have I thought about being a switch? Nope. Have I thought about being a sub? Sure. Only to be in her shoes to better understand her and why and what she wants and needs. Does this make me less Dom cause I won’t switch I think not it just makes me plain Dom Vanilla. <<
That alone says it all - you yourself have considered being a sub and submitting. BTW - that's how most switches *discover* they are switches, lol. There are those that would tell you that the mere fact you *thought* about it seriously at any point makes you a switch even if you were too ... whatever ... to do it in real life.
As for this comment:
>>I don’t like to drive while blind, i read the signs look ahead and see what is interesting and what might be a problem.<<
Well, if the comment you made in response to the replies your original post got you was in fact true:
>>I was just seeking some clarification on the switch person, and you are right you can be what ever you want to be when ever and however to whomever. I was not saying you could not or should not do it just in my ever so bland opinion that it was a confusing point and if I was switch I would be confused of my position. <<
Then what I would tell you is that you need to do some *serious* work and reflection on your written communication skills - because at *no* time in your first post did you indicate or convey anything remotely like what you said you were trying to communicate in your second reply. You were *totally* driving blind and not paying attention to ANY signs or looking ahead even though you knew on some level the reaction you'd most likely get and yet didn't have the respect or foresight to temper it and try to make it less judgmental or even make sure it was clearly a request for clarification. You see this:
>>Then this idea of ((Switch)), what is that? that tells me is that you are confused, about who you really are. You are either a Dominant person or you are a submissive person.does not mean that a Dom. cant be nice just means that in the relationship realm He/She is Dominant and knows it. A true Dominant would never submit to a sub in real life, so get to know yourself and then make a decision. <<
Is not the same as :
>>I was not saying you could not or should not do it just in my ever so bland opinion that it was a confusing point and if I was switch I would be confused of my position. <<
If you were *really* seeking clarification, I would suggest *asking clearly* for that clarification. For example:
Switches confuse me. I don't understand how they work, to me, folks are one or the other, and I can't seem to really get what the switches perspective is or where they fit into the entire BDSM community or picture. Can anyone give me a bit of clarification on what exactly goes on and how this fits and how that comes about?
Now *that* is a polite request that CLEARLY is seeking more information and is saying "hey I don't *get* this - can anyone help me with this?" without telling us all we have to choose or make a decision or we aren't real or true or whatever qualifying bs we are supposed to kowtow to.
Now about the capped names, lol. That cyber bs just cracks me up. What all that *really* amounts to in my opinion is the same exact reason why people want to shove folks into little boxes and apply neat little labels - laziness. Yup. Laziness. That's really what it's all about - trying to find some way to pasteurize everyone into little identical molds of basic flavors so we don't have to spend actual time and effort conversing with folks and taking time and effort to learn about them, but can just browse through the supermalls of online chat and get our picks off the appropriate little shelves in the least amount of time with the least amount of effort. Because, IMO, that is *exactly* what it all boils down to and why people want to have the same definitions that everyone abides by and have the labels and boxes all uniformly agreed upon and used in the same manner - it's just because humans are naturally lazy little creatures and our society makes us want the insta fix get all the good stuff without having to do the actual work to get there.
The fact is, most folks are desperately trying to get out of having lengthy conversations to see if they click and are compatible, they want little bios and specs so they can browse through the masses as quickly as possible and get to the meat with the least amount of work. What *I* think people miss is that they aren't seeing that they are only focusing on two destinations - get the partner, live happily ever after in BDSM bliss. Yanno it really *isn't* about the destination, it's about the journey to *get* there, IMO.
You cut out all that time, and you lose out on so much, and no I'm not talking about conversing with the masses of wankers or posers, but the folks you actually spend some time with. Sure, maybe the aren't the *one* - but they probably taught you something, or could have had you been looking. Each person has the potential to bring into your life a new perspective, a new way of seeing things, or thinking about something, or an experience, or perhaps just their company. But if you are running past them all, how much are you *really* gaining?
The fact is, long conversations are GOOD things, even if they take up a lot of time and they don't pan out - you can view it all as a complete waste of time because you didn't get it to work with them, or you can choose to look and examine and see what lessons or good things that interaction brought to the table for you - even though they might not be the *one*. And you never know, what that person has to offer or impart to your life just *might* be the crucial piece or thing that is what the *one* needs or is looking for. And if you just rush right past it and never see it - you'd be in essence sabotaging the very thing you are so deeply wishing would happen.
I dunno, I'd like to see people more open to *wasting* that time because they realize it really isn't a waste but an asset - futile I know, but one can hope, *chuckle*.
JMOs, FWIIW
~ShadeDiva
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~ShadeDiva
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RE: Basic Ideology for chat rooms ( BDSM in paticular ) - 
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