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Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 1:31:34 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		I was browsing the threads in there this morning and came across one in which a submissive described difficulty coming up with questions to ask of a dominant who have given her permission to ask anything she might want. I've encounter this reaction before when in submissives whom I've similarly encouraged to ask questions of me. My question to the submissives is this, why is it that so often it seems difficult for you to ask questions?

As a side note I'll share this. When I give a submissive permission to ask any questions she might have, or encourage her to ask questions I usually do so for one or more of the following reasons.
I'm trying to encourage more conversation from her, get her to "engage".
I feel comfortable enough with her to talk openly about whatever she might ask and don't feel concerned at how she might react
I'm trying to make her feel more comfortable by showing her a willingness to talk openly, I'm not hiding anything

I'll be very interested in the comments of submissives and slaves on this topic, its something I've been curious about for awhile. In the past I've attributed it to the very passive nature of some submissives.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 1:41:26 AM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		Ask me ask me :D:D:D

I have no difficulties asking questions.... I find alot of subs are worried about asking the wrong questions or feel its wrong to ask a Dominant questions.

Thats what I believe anyway.

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 2:24:08 AM   
wetsub000


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline 		I'm afraid I'm one of those who still often finds it difficult to ask questions. If you can work out why for me I'd be eternally grateful. It's just the way I am. Perhaps I've led a fairly introvert life and so haven't learnt the skill required. It's funny but now that I have a bit more experience I'm a bit better at asking the questions, but still not great. Perhaps you'd think that as someone new to the lifestyle I'd have had more questions earlier on, but I didn't. It isn't that I'm worried about asking wrong questions ... my mind just literally goes blank. It's the same if a dominant asks me to describe myself ... it's too damn broad a request ... where do I start?

If you want to encourage conversation try making your encouragement more specific. Instead of saying 'You may ask any question you like', try 'Is there something you'd like to know about .... blah', giving some more direction might help her/me focus. Or give an opinion and then ask how they feel on the same topic. Ease them into it.

(in reply to imtempting)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 5:01:13 AM   
kisshou


Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

My question to the submissives is this, why is it that so often it seems difficult for you to ask questions?



Like a deer caught in the headlights, that is how your request would make me feel. Even worse is when someone says 'tell me all about yourself.' In order to ask someone a bunch of questions , you have to quickly decide out of all the millions of topics in the world , which one to ask a question on. Then you have to quickly figure out how to word your question so it sounds respectful. All the while you are being pinned by a Dominant gaze. My heart starts beating faster and a blush will work its way from my neck up til my face is bright red. I am really shy (that is alot of pressure). I have always been really quiet. I am a service slut, I like action. Having to sit still and just talk is really hard. Uggh, I am getting stressed just thinking about your questions. Also I think easy-going sounds nicer than passive, that passive remark kind of hurt my feelings, because I care passionately and deeply I am just not good at talking.

(in reply to Padriag)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 6:43:01 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		- Most people are not taught to communicate well, in any form, so they find true intimate communication very difficult

- Typically submissives consider asking for things to be presumptuous, or worse, have romantic ideals that the dominant should simply somehow KNOW (this is helped by the fact that it's so easy for dominants to turn subs on in the beginning with patented fantasies/good girls/the right talk)

- It's very exposing to ask questions or make requests

- A lot of people are taught that it's weakness to need something, or bad to ask for things. I find it difficult to ask directly for help, I find it difficult to ask directly for things I don't NEED because I grew up in a situation where I only really had myself in a lot of ways, despite a deeply loving family, and we didn't have money for "extras."

- A lot of people are taught that by asking for things from others they are inconveniencing the person they are asking, which goes against what a sub wants to do

(in reply to Padriag)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 7:02:09 AM   
sultryvoice


Posts: 368
Joined: 3/31/2004
Status: offline 		I am the one who started that thread. I have no problem asking questions but I asked for input from others to get other points of view that I had not come up with. It is a learning experience for me. I can ask questions all day long but getting other points of view will help me. I communicate very well verbally, but in written word, for some reason, I stall out.

Having done this has helped me come up with more to ask to get to know this person and in turn, he sees where I am also. To date, believe it or not, I have about 30 or so questions. I will be sending them out within the next few days. I will likely merge some together and there won't be as many.

A few of the questions didn't really pertain to me and this relationship but I appreciated the input.

Respectfully,
sultry

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 7:11:36 AM   
fannie


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/31/2005
Status: offline



Communicate, what's that? i think we develope our communication with

people we know and it comfortable and works ......Then , when W/we

are asked to step outside that comfort zone .....we "freeze like a deer in

headlights" i wonder how much it has to do with being shy ......Or

perhaps what has always been comfortable with and are accustom

to....for example what each of us does for a living ......would determine

if there is even a real need to communicate well everyday.....If You have a large

familiy .....live alone ......It all determines how we learn to commuicate..

I wonder , How one changes the lack of good skills ? For me,

i am a Union Rep so i am very straight forward and to the point ....

But it's short .......and i think i am better on paper where rules are concerned..

It's different for each of us...... Also, manyof U/us have real problems letting

others inside.....to see the real them.......for fear of rejection

Peace be with You A/all

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 9:57:04 AM   
gentlesurrender


Posts: 99
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline 		hello Padriag

i do ask many questions of a dominant, when i have a question to ask. I find its a bit like a wedding at times, when you first start organising there are loads of things to do, then you have the lull, then its a mad rush at the end again to finalise all the finer points.

initially there maybe questions, the lull of taking information on board, or waiting for certain events to happen, then more questions revolving around that.

interestingly enough, i found myself in a similar situation a little while ago, and your response to my additional question was one of concern and to ask if i was nuts, well maybe for some it would put them off asking a dominant further questions if they were confronted with such a reaction.

discussion is interesting at times

< Message edited by gentlesurrender -- 7/25/2005 9:59:04 AM >

_____________________________

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" Walter Anderson

(in reply to Padriag)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 11:13:31 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you ladies, those were some illuminating replies. The deer in the headlights metaphor is one that I think well describes what I've often encountered. For me it has been difficult to relate to since I'm the exact opposite, give me the opportunity to ask any questions I want and I'll likely come up with a 100 or so off the top of my head. Ask me about myself and I'll talk your ears off. Chalk that up to Irish blood or to a very outgoing personality or to being dominant, perhaps some of each, but there you have it. I'm also an intensely curious person by nature. Thank you all again for the insight, its been helpful and the next time someone gets that deer in the headlights look I'll keep it in mind to provide more specific guidance.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Padriag)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 2:02:25 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Most parents don't teach their children to communicate. How do these children learn as they age?

How many here on these boards were sat down and talked with openly about sex or drugs as children?
We are what we were taught.

As Intempting also said, some believe the protocal in the lifestyle means not challenging any sort of dominant at all. So, even though all questions are granted with some many will never be asked.

Myself, I've never had an issue. I can sit down with anyone for 5 minutes and know something about them you did not know when you've known them 20 years. It's just me.


(in reply to Padriag)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 2:32:27 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		worried about the reaction one might get from teh question? Trying to phrase it right? Dont want to upset, disapoint, make unhappy, displease.. with the question. Cos ya might not like the question.

(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 2:45:08 PM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kisshou

quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

My question to the submissives is this, why is it that so often it seems difficult for you to ask questions?



Like a deer caught in the headlights, that is how your request would make me feel. Even worse is when someone says 'tell me all about yourself.' In order to ask someone a bunch of questions , you have to quickly decide out of all the millions of topics in the world , which one to ask a question on. Then you have to quickly figure out how to word your question so it sounds respectful. All the while you are being pinned by a Dominant gaze. My heart starts beating faster and a blush will work its way from my neck up til my face is bright red. I am really shy (that is alot of pressure). I have always been really quiet. I am a service slut, I like action. Having to sit still and just talk is really hard. Uggh, I am getting stressed just thinking about your questions. Also I think easy-going sounds nicer than passive, that passive remark kind of hurt my feelings, because I care passionately and deeply I am just not good at talking.



see kiss, you have eloquent words...your analogy is awesome!!

i always answered 'tell me all about yourself' with a question..."what would you like to know?"

~~shy

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to kisshou)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 4:40:49 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

Most parents don't teach their children to communicate. How do these children learn as they age?

How many here on these boards were sat down and talked with openly about sex or drugs as children?
We are what we were taught.

As Intempting also said, some believe the protocal in the lifestyle means not challenging any sort of dominant at all. So, even though all questions are granted with some many will never be asked.

Myself, I've never had an issue. I can sit down with anyone for 5 minutes and know something about them you did not know when you've known them 20 years. It's just me.


Those are good points. I had not really consider that aspect. My childhood was very different from that. My parents tell my the first word I ever spoke was "Why?" and apparently I've been getting as much mileage out of that word as possible ever since. I grew up asking a lot of questions, part of the inquisitiveness and curiosity, and I never let much stand in the way of that.

I'm also the sort of person that people often confide in. Actually, they usually spill their guts to me. I joke I should have been a priest except I'm an athiest. So its a bit disconcerting when a submissive clams up and won't ask questions at all.

You're points are well taken RiotGirl. I've dealt with that frequently as well. Usually, if I sense that's the problem I'll try to reassure them that they can say whatever is on their mind, not to worry about the wording that we'll figure it out as we go. That gets some talking, but with some it takes a lot of coaxing to get them talking and either asking questions or expressing what's on their mind... if they do so at all.

quote:

i always answered 'tell me all about yourself' with a question..."what would you like to know?"


Hehe... now that does sound familiar! An I usually grin an respond "Everything!" But okay, just for clarification when I ask a question like that, and this probably goes for most doms, what I'm really asking is "Tell me something about your self you think is interesting, something you are proud of or something you want me to know about you. Tell me about your hobbies, your interests, favorite book or movie, tell me your favorite memory, someplace you would love to visit (or re-visit), etc."

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 5:00:35 PM   
MstrHellsFury


Posts: 388
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		although the question was asked of the submissives I'd just like to throw my 2 1/2 cents in...I always equate it to a college exam..you know the answers but come test day..blank..or brain freeze...so I've learned to lead..after all isn't that what we're supposed to do...I might say...I know you may have some questions for me but here's one for you...are you enjoying the choice of following your heart into a different kind of life...one of serving or pleasuring someone without regretting it in the morning...(big smile)...this usually opens up a door just a crack and let's a submissive know it's not an inquistion...


Fury

(in reply to Padriag)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 10:18:11 PM   
teapaw


Posts: 97
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrHellsFury
are you enjoying the choice of following your heart into a different kind of life...one of serving or pleasuring someone without regretting it in the morning...(big smile)...this usually opens up a door just a crack and let's a submissive know it's not an inquistion...
Fury


That is so wonderful! I always feel ike its an inquistion. No just with me asking questions but when Master asks me something like "whats wrong?" I just go blank and frantically try to think etiher of the correct wording as to not offend or get into trouble or the answer in the first place because by the time I realize I am supposed to answer right away I had forgettton what I was upset about in the frist place! LOL

my 2 cents...pretty soon we shall have a fifty cent piece...
pamela

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"get a taste of reiligion ...lick a witch"

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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/25/2005 11:29:04 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		It kind of amazes me someone would feel like it was an interrogation, I would not have thought so. Its good to hear these perspectives, gives me plenty of food for thought and I appreciate all the comments.

So... either be more guiding in my questions or find submissives into interrogation, gotcha!

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to teapaw)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/26/2005 7:27:24 AM   
LaMspeach


Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline 		I can identify with almost every answer here. I think communication is something that one has to learn with each new relationship because every one communicates differently.

When Master and I first started talking, I hated asking questions and i hated answering them even more. Now that I look back I think one of the main reasons is, I didn't think what I felt or had to say was worthy or that people didn't really want to hear it. I guess that comes from a long line of people not taking the time to listen. Make the submissive feel comfortable, not only tell her but also show her you really are interested in what she has to say, With patience she will open up and learn to communicate , I did :).

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"



(in reply to Padriag)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/26/2005 11:20:25 AM   
kiyana


Posts: 8
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline 		While I myself have no problem answering questions most of the time when asked of me...I do find it difficult when someone says, "Ask me Something". Its such a broad question. So many things can be asked, so many questions. One of the reasons a person may have trouble responding to this general question is simply because so many questions are going through his or her mind? When you know little or nothing about someone you often find yourself at a loss of where to start, or how far is too far, or even what topic of question is suitable. There may be a deeper meaning to all of this, but thats my view :)

(in reply to LaMspeach)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/26/2005 11:38:25 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		I tell boys to ask me questions - I explain to them that it is because I have talked to so many over the last few years that I can't always remember what I have asked already and what I have told them. I also tell them that with a situation like this, they need to know what they are potentially getting in to, and if they don't ask, I may forget to tell them something (going back to the first part of my explination).

Honestly though, that's only 1/2 of the reason ... but I tend to not tell them the other half until later because it makes them nervous LOL - the other 1/2 is that I learn a lot more about their motivations and interests from what they ask about than from how they answer what I ask. I can quickly learn if they are just looking for some kinky sex, if they are into kinks that we don't enjoy, or if they are truly interested in having a full relationship that is compatable with what we are looking for (among other things).

(in reply to kiyana)
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RE: Why is asking questions difficult? - 7/26/2005 12:03:00 PM   
grits


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline 		In my early explorations of BDSM and D/s, I came across a website that had a list of "must ask" questions on it. Most, I'm sure, could be turned around so that Doms could ask of subs, although it was written from a fem sub/male Dom POV. I'm not sure why, since I had a Master at the time, but I copied the list into a word document and squirled it away. As a member of several adult groups I've often added to that list, things I thought sounded important to know, or added notes about things I found interesting, etc. I think I have between 40-45 questions on the list now -- everything from 'nilla stuff to heavy lifestyle/attitude questions.

Not too long ago I was cleaning out my bookmarks and found that an awful lot of them were no longer active, including that one. :/

While I might never use the questions I have, it's still kind of fun to look back and see where I've been, and maybe might go one of these days.

Hope this helps.

grits


(in reply to SweetDommes)
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