Guilt (Full Version)

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Prinsexx -> Guilt (10/5/2007 5:24:29 PM)

This has been a bad 24 hours. My darling sister has had back problems for many years. Lumber discs misaligned. Waist discs crumbling. Now C4 in her neck....an almost sudden dislocation. Partial numbness and paralysis in her legs and arms. Lack of tatste and saliva. Incontinence which has now passed. I am the elder. The stronger of two prematurely born and incubated babies.
I work, I run a home, I write, i go to parties, have many friends and now a new Dom, interviewing a slave boy and chatting seriously with a girl.
My man comes home from holiday on Monday. I am craving to see him.
sis also has kids and an ex husband who has been kind to her. But she has to wait also until Monday for her MRI scan. She is dependant on me to shop now and run her to the hospital.
I have  survivor guilt at being the stronger of the two. And now I feel I cannot talk to her of my happiness. My joy and excitement about my sexuality....well what can I talk to her about when there is the threat that she may not walk?
Apologies; i did not mean to dump, I am supposed to deal with this. I am suppose to know what to do. But I am stuck emotionally and it has made me nmb with guilt for having a life of fun, a life of health and strength and especially guilty about a lifestyle.

Is there anyone else who feels guilt for whatever reason and how do you deal with this..

It might not feel so bad but she is my twin.

Prinsexx.



AEslaveM -> RE: Guilt (10/5/2007 5:42:11 PM)

Prinsexx,

i just wanted to let you know that i understand your pain, but cannot imagine exactly what you are going through................My best advice is to just love her, and continue to do the things with her you have always done, talk to her about everything..........Might just be what she needs, to have someone else's happiness to focus on to take her mind off her own situation.

i have had a similar situation, with an ex who, when we were together, lost his 16 year old son in an accident.............there was a horrendous amount of survivor guilt associated with that, and it continues to this day, even though it's been 3+ years.........

Might you be able to think of it in terms of "I am able to be here for her and help her in any way I can, by even the simplest of acts, driving her to hospital or sitting and talking to her.........?"

If there is anything i can do to help, please let me know.

Prayers and hugs go winging to you both.............

M

P.S. Please continue to vent/dump...........it is what this community is here for...........  :)



Prinsexx -> RE: Guilt (10/5/2007 5:48:59 PM)

Thank you so much. I even feel guilty about posting about it, it has had such a profounf effect. I have agreed to drive her to hospital. i went shopping. I sat with her tonight and chatted for hours.
But it will be when I am having a scene, when i am ecstatic, when I am most being in my body that I will feel the guilt. And look ; I have figured out, both in theory and in practice, what guilt is.....feeling nad for something that I haven't done wrong....there's no-one doing any intentional wrong here and that is the pointlessness of guilt. I have had one of the best weeks on the other hand....yet how can I begin to say oh guess who phoned me, oh guess who has mailed me and guess where we went for wine etc when that all seems so irrelevant.
more emotional dumping. sorry.



gypsygrl -> RE: Guilt (10/5/2007 5:49:33 PM)

One of the things my therapist diagnosed me as having is a really bad case of survivors guilt.  It goes back to childhood and the family I grew up in.  My brother was removed from the home when he was 15 and made a ward of the court but that was only the most obvious thing that happened.  It was a chaotic environment and my parents were pretty self centered.  When they gave us kids attention, it was usually negative.  I usually escaped that kind of attention because I was quiet, compliant and almost never got in trouble.  The guilt stems from the fact that I knew I wasn't any different from my siblings...I just instinctively knew how to avoid trouble and was able to tolerate being ignored.

As far as dealing with it?  I dunno.  I stopped talking to my father about a year and a half ago because he kept trying to pit me against my sister (my brother is out of the picture) and use the example of my successes to criticize her.  To passively allow that kind of thing to continue, would have been to perpetuate an injustice against her that I indirectly benefitted from.  So, after he did something that really hurt my sister, I confronted him straight on and haven't really spoken to him since out of loyalty to her.  I felt really cold doing it, like my heart was made of dry ice, but I wasn't going to allow myself to be used that way. 

I felt the same way the night I walked out on my ex-husband with our two kids as he was attempting suicide, something I'll always feel guilty for.  He was drunk, abusive and hurting really bad, but I had to protect my kids.   Something died in me that night that I haven't been able to revive, an ideal of myself as a warm, caring person. 

You say you are the stronger of the two of you.  She needs your strength not your guilt.  Just like my sister and my kids needed me to be strong.

Thank you for posting this.  I received a letter from my dad today that I haven't been able to wrap my thoughts around.



shadowmate -> RE: Guilt (10/5/2007 5:56:54 PM)

No need to be sorry, sometimes life just flat out sucks, trust me I know, I have considered making a rant myself on here.  LOL
 
I have a suggestion, sit down and talk with your sister.  Explain to her that you love her dearly, that there's some things going on in your life you are extremely happy about and would like to share with her, but you feel guilty to because of all that is going on with her.  I also believe that if you two are truly close, she will be happy for you, and perhaps your happiness will give her something to be happy about. 



Prinsexx -> RE: Guilt (10/5/2007 5:57:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

The guilt stems from the fact that I know I wasn't any different from my siblings...I just instinctively knew how to avoid trouble.

I see how it all looks so inconsequential from the outside looking in.....but feeling the guilt, being the survivor....well I have it everyday....every time I dance, every time I go to the gym.......itt takes away my motivation to look after my body, makes me fear being narcisistic....wish i hadn't started this now........
but I hear you and I want to say to YOU it' wasn't your fault...........



Prinsexx -> RE: Guilt (10/5/2007 5:59:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowmate

 I also believe that if you two are truly close, she will be happy for you, and perhaps your happiness will give her something to be happy about. 


I sense she just doesn't want to know right now.......



shadowmate -> RE: Guilt (10/5/2007 6:07:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowmate

 I also believe that if you two are truly close, she will be happy for you, and perhaps your happiness will give her something to be happy about. 


I sense she just doesn't want to know right now.......



That could be.  Maybe sit and talk to her about all the things she does have?  Her family for one, people that are good to her, and care about her.  Maybe talk about childhood, happy times, bring her to a happy state, then perhaps bring up the fact that there's some things you have going on in your life you would like to share with her. 

I do realize this is kind of difficult and stuff, but if, god forbid, something happens to her tomorrow, you might feel even more guilty for not sharing things.  I dont know you, or her, obviously, so my comments are only things for you to think on, and consider.  I wish there was some other way that I could help.



HottLicks -> RE: Guilt (10/5/2007 6:27:29 PM)

When life is really messed up and you are in pain, sometimes it's hard to feel happy for someone else because you are trapped in you.  I would find friends to share my good life with and just remain supportive of your sister.  You did not cause her pain and had no control over your birth situation or her problems now.  Just keep supporting her and let her know you love her, but keep in mind life really sucks for her.  Your guilt needs to be dealt with, but with your sister, this might not be the time.

I wish you both well and hope that things improve!



shadowmate -> RE: Guilt (10/5/2007 6:46:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HottLicks

When life is really messed up and you are in pain, sometimes it's hard to feel happy for someone else because you are trapped in you.  I would find friends to share my good life with and just remain supportive of your sister. 


You do make a good point.  I have felt ' trapped in me ' many, many times.



amelliagrace -> RE: Guilt (10/5/2007 7:27:36 PM)

Prinsexx -
 
If you weren't feeling those things, you wouldn't be much of a human being, much of a sister, and not "you".
 
I can understand you holding back a bit on exuberant sharing.  While I don't know your sister and you well, I do know my sister and I.  Sometimes we hold back a little bit, for a couple days, and then begin to share our joy, in the midst of the other's sorrow.  It is invariably accepted in the spirit in which it was intended, for I'm blessed.  I think that slight reigning in of exuberence, without squelching, hiding, or ignoring our joys is what makes it work.
 
Warm wishes, positive thoughts, and sincere prayers are sent out for you both this night.  You'll each find your way.
 
-grace



laurell3 -> RE: Guilt (10/5/2007 9:57:28 PM)

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time Prinsexx.  Best of luck to you and your sister.
l



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Guilt (10/5/2007 10:49:59 PM)

I dunno, guilt is somewhat useless to me and something I rarely experience.  I always see it as actually quite selfish and not practical towards helping anyone.  You really aren't that important- just be a decent person and do what you can.

I know that likely isn't very helpful advice, but this is where lack of empathy is a hindrance to giving you advice, but a help to preventing me being crippled from guilt so I can get things taken care of.



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Guilt (10/5/2007 11:19:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

This has been a bad 24 hours. My darling sister has had back problems for many years. Lumber discs misaligned. Waist discs crumbling. Now C4 in her neck....an almost sudden dislocation. Partial numbness and paralysis in her legs and arms. Lack of tatste and saliva. Incontinence which has now passed. I am the elder. The stronger of two prematurely born and incubated babies.
I work, I run a home, I write, i go to parties, have many friends and now a new Dom, interviewing a slave boy and chatting seriously with a girl.
My man comes home from holiday on Monday. I am craving to see him.
sis also has kids and an ex husband who has been kind to her. But she has to wait also until Monday for her MRI scan. She is dependant on me to shop now and run her to the hospital.
I have  survivor guilt at being the stronger of the two. And now I feel I cannot talk to her of my happiness. My joy and excitement about my sexuality....well what can I talk to her about when there is the threat that she may not walk?
Apologies; i did not mean to dump, I am supposed to deal with this. I am suppose to know what to do. But I am stuck emotionally and it has made me nmb with guilt for having a life of fun, a life of health and strength and especially guilty about a lifestyle.

Is there anyone else who feels guilt for whatever reason and how do you deal with this..

It might not feel so bad but she is my twin.

Prinsexx.



think this is what family is all about is being there for people.  not because we doing it is because they are apart of us. our history people often miss the boat on this one. there is nothing wrong with having fun and a life. all these things make us who we are. making a difference when it counts is a true mark of great charector..
thoughts go with you  face things many hugs



chellekitty -> RE: Guilt (10/6/2007 12:59:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I dunno, guilt is somewhat useless to me and something I rarely experience.  I always see it as actually quite selfish and not practical towards helping anyone.  You really aren't that important- just be a decent person and do what you can.

I know that likely isn't very helpful advice, but this is where lack of empathy is a hindrance to giving you advice, but a help to preventing me being crippled from guilt so I can get things taken care of.


its not a lack of empathy...its a dose of reality...



Prinsexx -> RE: Guilt (10/6/2007 1:10:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I dunno, guilt is somewhat useless to me and something I rarely experience. 


I absolutely agree. I haven't felt guilt for many years that's why it has hit me so hard.
I also think it is possible to be highly empathic andalso feel no guilt.
It's true....guilt stops decision making. Just woken up and reading posts so thank you it is really helping.



Prinsexx -> RE: Guilt (10/6/2007 1:16:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

all these things make us who we are. making a difference when it counts is a true mark of great charector..
thoughts go with you  face things many hugs


Totally 'got' and thank you. Thank you for reminding me of that term 'family'....oh boy that's a canof worms. In the pain and mess of what I had to survivie there, sis was all I had, and a kind of conjoined part of me. We 'saved' each other I suppose and that bond is still there. no matter what.



Bobkgin -> RE: Guilt (10/6/2007 1:36:49 AM)

Prinnie, may I suggest a pragmatic approach.

Your guilt helps no one, and does not make it easier for you to help your sister.

What you really want is to cure her, and since you can't, you are feeling guilty for her situation.

But you are not responsible for her situation. You are responsible for your own only.

Do what you can while enjoying your own life. Every act of generosity and consideration counts. Your love for her, and the many things you do to show her she matters to you are blessings in her life. Hurting yourself because you can't do more to alleviate her suffering does not help her or you.

There is no shame or harm in being happy with the way things are going in your life. That you are not so pre-occupied with your life that you ignore her suffering speaks very highly of you. But do not inject gult into your life so you can suffer too. Such guilt serves no purpose.

I hope this helps you work through this. Would that I had a sibling as thoughtful.



chellekitty -> RE: Guilt (10/6/2007 1:55:11 AM)

please God, don't let this go to his head.....

ditto on what Bob said...



laurell3 -> RE: Guilt (10/6/2007 1:59:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

please God, don't let this go to his head.....

ditto on what Bob said...




wow did I just read that?  great post by the way Bob.
l



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