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julietsierra -> RE: Abortion (10/7/2007 2:27:19 PM)
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Well, as someone who has lived this, I can actually understand both sides of the fence. Those who are pro-life could call the choice I made a matter of convenience. I didn't, although, at first in the larger scheme of things, it was. And I've paid a high price for that - up until recently when I finally FINALLY was helped to understand some other things about this whole argument that are intensely personal.
The bottom line though is that in my house - I was married at the time - "no" was not allowed. So, choice when it came to sex was also not an option. My husband didn't like the fact that I was in school. He'd tried everything else to stop me, so the day he informed me that I was going to have another baby, we were in a race to see if I could get away before getting pregnant. Contraception was also not a choice due to his religious views. Unfortunately, I was also financial prisoner in my own home. I had no money, no credit cards, no transportation and my nearest family lived 1300 miles away. I had three kids, one of whom was disabled. He was threatening the kids that if we left, he'd kill their dog. They were terrified, I was terrified and felt I had few options.
The day he turned on my oldest because HE (my husband) walked through a screen door that my son had shut (as he was supposed to do) and unleashed his anger on him was the day I realized that what I'd been putting up with until I could get to a point where I was able to support the kids and me on our own, was moving on to the next person that "challenged" his authority in our family. It was no longer something that was just happening to me. Now, my kids were at risk.
I was attending college at the time (all transportation provided by a g/f, all babysitting done gratis by another g/f, everyone I knew helping me do what I had to do to get away). Classes were paid for with what I could skim off of the grocery money. Each time he found out I'd paid for more classes, I paid physically for that "crime." I still attended school, regardless of broken bones, busted lips and the never-ending terror of leaving my kids, knowing he could choose that day to come home early and find me gone.
That June, I knew I'd lost the race.
I had an abortion. I went in on my own, went through the procedure with no anesthetic because I didn't have a ride home, and drove home on my own afterwards (again, another g/f watching the kids gratis while I went.). Was it convenience? I suppose those virilently opposed to abortion would say yes. However, for me, it was a matter of safety - both for myself and the children I already had. I finished school a couple of months later and left shortly after that.
It's been hard dealing with the ramifications of what I did. I've felt guilty - and yet, each time I look back on that time and try to find another solution, there just wasn't any. I still don't see any. Lots of people on the outside looking in could and probably will find reasons why I could have chosen another path. But being there and living that life on a day to day basis, I can tell you, there wasn't any other choice.
I've never told my now-ex-husband. I wanted away - not to destroy even more people than were already hurt by the lives we were leading. I certainly didn't want to destroy him. I just wanted to stop being hurt, and I wanted my children and me to feel safe.
People have asked me why I didn't call the police...why I didn't go to shelters...and lots of other things. I can only say that after "hypothetical" discussions with people I knew in our town who were police officers, I knew that because he was my husband, rape would have been next to impossible to prove. I also knew that for the children I have, he would ALWAYS be their father and I didn't want them to ever see him in that light. They knew enough and had been through enough already. It's why I never prosecuted for abuse as well, even though they knew more than I was even aware of regarding what he did. We lived in a small town and I never wanted the knowledge of the fact that their father had been arrested to follow them through school.
Convenience? Murder? Possibly. However, my view has been that unless any one of us has been to see whatever/whoever it is that is in charge of the hereafter and found out that he/she/it sees things in any specific way, I'll just have to take my chances. I took the option that was legally open to me. If I'd carried that pregnancy to term, adoption wouldn't have been an option because I was married and the rights of the father would come into play. If I'd carried that pregnancy to term, leaving would have been an impossibility for a coupld of more years at least, not to mention that statistically, I faced a 1 in 4 chance of having another child with disabilities and I could barely afford to take care of the one I had - both emotionally and financially. I'd run out of time and I'd run out of options every which way I looked.
I did what I had to do. These days, I'm firmly of the belief that what I did was right and that the fetus I aborted, in energy form, is somehow aware that I did what I had to do and it's all right.
And all the opinions of everyone else matters not one whit to me beyond that.
The children I have are safe. The child I was unable to have is fine and that's all that matters to me. (To explain this more would entail me going into more depth regarding my religious views and this isn't the place for it, nor is it germain to the conversation here. Besides, because they ARE my religious views, there isn't anything anyone going to say that will change them.)
So, if you are one of those people who like to say "I choose who I will be around and I would choose not to be around someone who's done this - well, aren't you glad there's no door here for you to find your way through. And claiming you wouldn't want to be around me as if it's somehow some sort of testament to my own personal worth is laughable at best. It presumes on the front end that I'd want to be around you.
juliet
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