Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Overcoming Old Programming


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Overcoming Old Programming Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Overcoming Old Programming - 10/10/2007 5:52:30 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		OK, this newbie has a "practice sub" now and I know what I want to do, but I'm doubting my ability to do it.

My old programming and the way I was raised is screaming at me that it's ALL wrong. I was taught to be sweet and nice to everyone and never hurt anyone's feelings. I was taught to rescue people from negative feelings, to comfort and put them at ease. Not to be pushy or aggressive, to politely wait my turn. Not to bother or inconvenience other people.  Not to mention that I grew up around men (my Dad for 19 and ex for 22 years) with pretty fragile egos who would have blown up if they weren't treated like "the man". Now here I am, with all intent to create and make another person uncomfortable, in some cases GROSSLY uncomfortable. To be as pushy and aggressive as I want to. To make my turn come first and "the man"?..what's that?.....Can I do it?

I know at the core that I won't truly be taking advantage of another person. My head knows this, but my insides are in a panic.

Anyone else have this problem starting out? Is this something that dissipates with time and practice? or is it always there?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/10/2007 6:07:22 AM   
Oumae


Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline 		As you said...your head knows this... just keep telling yourself that you are bringing fulfillment to you both and when you see his eyes shining it should confirm it.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/10/2007 6:53:29 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I can think of two things you can do to help you deal with old ideas of how you should behave.

One is the use of ritual. Make a clear distinction between your scene and the rest of you life using rituals, symbols and clothing (or lack thereof) for both of you.

The second is something he'll have to do but you'll need to be honest about your needing him to do this. He must give you positive feedback, often, and let you know how much he is enjoying things and wanting to do these things with you.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/10/2007 7:01:48 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		You can do it, and without being negative.  There are no victims, it's what they want.  Good luck!
l

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/10/2007 7:04:51 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		It's still early for Me, but I have a few random thoughts.
 
Yes, when starting out, a lot of Us had to 'de-program' Ourselves for what We were always taught We should be.  What you might be experiencing just now is a direct relation of that.  It's probably adding to the nerves you are feeling just now.  Yes, it does pass.
 
Let's add in something else you implied.  You're going to hurt someone, and to take it a step further, you're going to intentionally hurt someone.  This is something else We are brought to believe isn't "right".  Yes, you're going to have some difficulty with unlearning that, too.  It also, will pass.
 
There's really nothing out there that says you can't discuss these things with your "practice sub".  Actually, that's the perfect opportunity to assist you in getting over these things, while strengthening the bond between you.  If you've been honest with this person, including your experience level, it gives them a better idea of what's going on with you anyway.  If they are inexperienced also, it's something you share in common.  If they have more experience than you, I'm sure they remember their own first cases of the jitters.

Btw, you might be the type who needs aftercare just as much as your sub.  It can help.
 


< Message edited by LadyPact -- 10/10/2007 7:06:27 AM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Oumae)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/10/2007 7:48:35 AM   
boytoy4female


Posts: 103
Joined: 8/10/2006
Status: offline 		TNstepsout,

Those things you say you were taught are not weaknesses in bdsm. They are strengths. There are times when you soft side can be a reward or can be used to coerce your sub to take another step forward. In bdsm, as in RL, there are times when honey catches the fly.

It's all in your perception. Your soft, reassuring side will build your confidence and will help you step slowly. If you stumble, you will learn from it. If you are creative, you will be able to make your mistakes seem intentional.

Keep all your attributes and draw on them. It will help keep your sub off balance, which will make the sub have to rely more upon you.

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/10/2007 11:46:27 AM   
iammachine


Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline 		A couple notes, you don't necessarily have to be "pushy or aggressive" to be dominant. For example, I am incredibly direct and to the point, yet obnoxiously cute at times as well. My boys learn to be suspicious of "Hey honeyyyyy......", as that usually means something is coming. :) So you can be every bit as dominant without being brash or authoritarian.

Now, if being somewhat hard edged resonates with you and is how you want to behave (rather than anyone else's notion of how you "should" behave), that is all groovy. Just keep in mind, the person that you have under you is consenting to be there, they want to be there, and they probably want and enjoy the kind of demeanor you are projecting (otherwise why would they be there?).

Just remember to stay aware of balance. Pushing limits is dandy, violating limits by crossing them is not okay. Doing what you want is lovely, but not at the complete expense of another. That is, just because you are the first consideration, does not mean that they are trading in their own interests completely. You have to take the other person into account, too, even if it's simply acknowledging their desires without implementing them, and by not wholesale going against what is in their better interest. :)  I'm sure you're well aware of all of this, these are just things that I have found handy to keep in mind, it makes what I am doing an easier pill to swallow. YMMV

< Message edited by iammachine -- 10/10/2007 11:47:45 AM >

_____________________________

I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/10/2007 5:58:20 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks all. I appreciate the support and encouragement. I really need it. I am very nervous and uncertain. Hopefully that will translate into a cautious well thought out approach rather than tentative and ineffective.

(in reply to iammachine)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/10/2007 8:06:02 PM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		When I was starting out, I asked for a lot of feedback.  I must have asked "Is this OK?" dozens of times.  I had people encourage me to do the things I was doing (face slapping, cropping), and some who wanted more.  I think that was frustrating for him at times, but I was also afraid of going too far.  You just keep edging out further as you get more experience.

If it makes it feel less "tentative and ineffective," you might incorporate check-ins throughout your play together - you can say "OK?" and he can signal.  A lot of people use green for "I'm doing fine," yellow for "slow down" and red for "STOP!"  By using these signals instead of doing a lot of talking during the scene, you can commucnicate without breaking the flow.  

It's OK to ask your practice submissive what he likes.  That may help reassure you that he wants what you are doing. 

I hope you have lots of fun,
MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/11/2007 6:40:29 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		The only way to undo programming is to do the new programming. Seriouosly, this is a scientific fact. Your thoughts and actions create neural pathways in your brain. The more you do them, the more prominent they become. You can think of them like a road network. Some are huge interstates and some are dirt roads. In order to change an interstate into a dirt road, you have to build a different intersate. You only do this by doing the new action.

If you're uncomfortable with it, only do it for a little while. Like, during a scene, only bark at him in two sentence bursts. Then, collect and think about what your next two sentences will be. Or, take on a role and ACT, such as an interrogator. It can work when all you're barking is one question. "Where is it?" is a good one.

You can DO it! *chuckle*

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/11/2007 9:26:37 PM   
LadyLegs


Posts: 176
Status: offline 		Yes, I know exactly what you mean.  And for every rule you break, there is a rush of joy & power.  It feels so good to be free of the rules.  Verbal humiliation was the way I started, because there was no riskof doing "real" damage.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/13/2007 10:04:42 AM   
kevinbd9


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/16/2007
Status: offline 		 
After reading your post i am convinced that You will either be a great Mistress or one who will never be able to provide a sub with the domination he needs.  Being nice and caring to a sub is a good thing and it makes for a great Mistress.  However, problems can arise when a Mistress sees punishing a sub, humiliating him or making him do things he does not want to do as being a bad or mean thing.  He wants to please You, to suffer for You and to provide You pleasure.  By dominating him, You are giving him wat he needs you are not doing a bad thing. (provided You remain within his limits)  i am a sub, so i don't know the Dominant Women mind set, but in my opinion if you can truly believe that domination is what Your sub needs, You will be a great Mistress.

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/13/2007 6:45:55 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		oh kevin.............what works for you doesn't necessarily work for others.  TN's been around and always demonstrated a clear understanding of these dynamics, she's intelligent and she will figure it out.

l

(in reply to kevinbd9)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/13/2007 9:24:14 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		How did it go by the way?
l

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/13/2007 9:44:06 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

oh kevin.............what works for you doesn't necessarily work for others.  TN's been around and always demonstrated a clear understanding of these dynamics, she's intelligent and she will figure it out.

l


Thanks for the vote of confidence laurell. I appreciate it.

It actually went very well. We had a nice vanilla date tonight, a chance to get to know one another a little more and I had the opportunity to exert my control a bit and get my bearings. It's beginning to feel a bit more comfortable. I'm just glad I decided to go slow and found someone who was patient enough not to bail on me. (actually that was the hard part, men are terribly impatient)

I was so nervous taking that first step, but once I had that adorable shock of hair that falls down over his forehead tangled in my fingers it was all downhill from there.......*g*

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Overcoming Old Programming - 10/14/2007 6:12:51 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Awesome, you're off to a good start.
l

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 16
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Overcoming Old Programming Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078