mossy
Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
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Lol....pbpDomme:)...You are very welcome...but as i said, the kind young woman that posted them. She was the one that did all the work!!!! i am the middle woman<<< so to speak just passing on her good deed. If i find anything today, as i am going to look now, i will be sure to pass it on to You asap/\/\/\___/\/\/\
btw: my therapist? is not kink aware. i sought her out for ptsd after coming from D/s bdsm online situation for 2 1/2 yrs. that led to live-in for 1/2 yr. /the online was as bad as the live-in/ (almost) which many find hard to understand. **Now i do, and explain it all below, my therapist has been there for me... 2 hrs. per week, for support, information, validation, hope, sounding board, and childhood issues and the way they relate to this.
i suppose what i am trying to say,,,if even if the help a person gets is not perfect? But they really want help? There are ways to make it work for yourself. The ways in which she could not support me though,,,unfortunately my fellows at collarme. had to step in and sort of substitute teach, Mentor, and put up with the after-effects of what happened..etc.. The people that post, as opposed to the people that do not,,,are certainly a different breed. In a very good way, i mean that with great affection, and thanks to all for being here. Because even when You cannot see me i am sitting and reading and taking everything in. Growing and learning so much about You/myself. Thank YOU ALL.
From reading what i did last night, to use the example of a digital camera let's say!
my vision of the past 3 1/2 yrs. of my precious Life? Has changed from a 2x zoom....
to a 1,000 x zoom camera and my vison, all those unanswered questions the uncertainty, thinking all those terrible things about the situation, and myself? Have melted like a thin chocolate bar on a summer sidewalk in the Bronx...in 105' degree heat,,oh yes.
i am home once again,,and i am free again....NOW the big questions becomes???
Where the heck do i go from here? As soon as a Dominant asks me:: Are you obediant?----i get worried----my skin begins to crawl----i get scared----then i get this deep sadness-
**For awhile...some have spoken of the A-word etc. being "Abuse" and fear of possible over-use of it, or false claims, or something...so i started using mistreatment,,lately. i didn't mind, i don't really care what word i use. Then others write and say too bad it bothers some,,, the issue must be spoken of. All of my knowledge comes from my own experience. Even to "that" some people will say, it is how people "see" what is happening to them, not what is actually happening. Somewhat! i may even agree with this..for many times i helped a friend out who thought their spouse was out to get them? For instance!But it was a simple misunderstanding. So these things do happen. But NOT for almost 4 years. Not with after affects that clearly can be seen by professionals As,,,the Aftermath OF,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,TORTURE. You may look around because there is no "A" word here.
When i was a kid, i didn't like cartoons, i watched some, but they were too fake for me. Romance novels make me ill and always have. Fiction in general, just doesn't do it for me and never has, even sex,even bdsm sex, not interested!!! Don't ask me to make up a story!!! Please!!! Fake an orgasm? <well,,,yes i have done that blushing> hey,,i' aint perfect,,by far. But Reality and i are buddies. LOL..LOL..i have had 2-3 fantasies all my Life....they are the same ones and they never change? Yes i can so a fantasy scene for sure BUT please!!! make it as realistic as possible, please? Or i aint buying it.
Bottom Line:::"A" is "A" and "T" is "T" i also understand that a healthy person does not Torture a woman/man they are supposed to be in a close relationship with. This helps me understand. Reading about this particular illness which causes someone to..... Torture as opposed to abuse, explains everything to me. It explains that my intuition was Not off. That i was feeling the appropriate things at the appropriate times. That I am Not Crazy!!! What was Real was indeed Real. It is True, Accurate, i am intelligent, and i was on the money. This explains to me by far,,,I am Not weak! Or a Failure! That this kind of Torture is Ambient, and unnoticable while happening. Like a car that comes speeding around the corner at 125 mph. you never saw it coming, and you were looking,,,before you know it,,,you are on your back on the ground. Only difference is this is a very slow process. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**WARNING: THIS IS HOW I USED TO FEEL ABOUT "ABUSED" WOMEN/MEN**
Funny....i used to think all this was garbage. That some woman just needed attention. They were overly sensitive, and had distorted views on the way relationships should go, always expecting things their way! That some woman had a specific need to find saviors, and did it by crying,,,rape, abuse, stalking, etc. (there are these people/men and women alike). Why do they stay,it's ridiculous,,,,there is definately something very wrong with them!!! Afraid? Well just get out!!! Then you won't have to be afraid anymore!!! Yes i would think to myself,,,Please don't waste your time and mine,,,blabbing about this to me,,,,it's depressing,,,annoying,,,i really don't want to hear it,,,and!! IF you are that unhappy???JUST GET OUT!!! JUST DO IT!!! call the police,,and talk to them not me. There are services set up for this sort of thing. If you don't do anything? and you stay? even a week longer? well then to me,,,that says on some level you must enjoy it, or need it or want it, and you don't really want any help, so please go away.*****************
**WARNING*::THE ABOVE WAS HOW I USED TO FEEL ABOUT "ABUSED MEN/WOMEN**
Incidently, i did find out conclusively, that i had indeed been in an "abusive" relationship
Or so i thought, until i discovered, it was actually, Ambient Mental and Emotional Torture.
Which tells of the difficulty returning to regular, bdsm/D/s Life and my regular life, in such a fragmented way, as to be partially,,,well, not so able to function properly. There i said it. 
PS: The information said,,,the person that does this to people, only does it to people they are intimately involved with,,oops closest to,,because they cannot become intimately involved. They are incapable of empathy, and do not understand emotional people.
They have their own version of reality, and live in it, but from the outside looking in, unless you lived with them. They are totally incapable of any intimacy at all. But if they appear as if there are trying? It is a purely selfish end to a means for them. They Need others close around them to bolster and feed their egos constantly. Critisism of ANY kind no matter how small,,,when send them flying over the edge.....To this i should add,,Critisism real, or imagined. For they often feel that others including those closest to them, are talking behind their backs, trying to undermine them, destroy their credibility,
tell lies..etc. Speaking of which,,,we have the Lies,,,,these people Lie. A lot. In creating their persona, in their own little alternate reality,,,,these lies are not lies to "them" at all.
It is a Life of constant Feeding these ones...stroking and feeding their "Egos" for without this Constant flow they will starve for this is what they exisist on. You on the other hand, are not very much at all in their eyes....other than a means to an end for them. They will Never think very highly of you. Only as a source to feed off of. Period. As for ever doing anything right? LOL>LOL Forget it...for the job they have is to consistently keep you terribly..... off balance. This is about Their way!!! OR The Highway!!! and thats the end of that story,,,,
It is about Confusion, and Twisting your Reality***
UNTIL you think that upside down, is right side up. Now the transformation IS a success.
This of course does not mean the mental torture stops.....it just means, you are nice and unbalanced, unsure of everything around you and dependent on the Other to "help" you with everything. Even though,,,it appears they wish you to be independant. Oh yes!!! Crafty...intense...unbalanced...unpredictable...sly...and knows you like the back of their hand. You will NEVER be loved by this person. There will NEVER be warm fuzzies...but in order to get their feedings from you,,, of what they need their EGO feeding, they may from time to time FAKE the fuzzies....but Trust they will NEVER be real, these people are INCAPABLE OF INTIMACY> usually do not strike out in anger,,,they may but it is not typical. They use their mouths,,,and their minds to do their Torture. Not their hands. They may be into rape fantasies heavily, possibly getting carried away with sex possiblely. OR may withold sex altogether as a form of punishment. Or they may have very little sex drive at all......They believe they are special, powerful, different, that in their lifetime they have achieved some sort of standing in the community in which they reside. They believe that somehow they have been honored above others...OK !! Let's face it!!! You are definately below this person ok? By---Lets say---QUITE A LOT!!! Face it, you will never, ever, be up to their standards. The critisism will be endless and it will be brutal,,,let me say that again THE CRITISISM WILL BE BRUTAL AND ENDLESS. You will never be ok as far as this person is concerned NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY.You will however,,,be very, very, tired, and worn down. You will not know whether you are coming or going. You do not understand what is happening to you, and it does not make any sense. NOTHING IS glaringlyAPPARENT or wrong??? Wanna know a secret???
 The first month i moved in*the adult child of the person turned to him
and said "Hey, Dad come on, lighten up! stop being so hard on her,,,geez"*
We had been in the room together about 45 minutes. he had already
critisised me 4 x and raised his voice 2x...my stomach felt funny and
that was the last taste of reality i had. until i was home over 4 months,
and i finally realized that for 3 1/2 years..the lights were on but i was not home.
no wonder the house felt so empty
i guess You could say that was my ummm $ 15,000.00 worth? pretty long i realize.
i do apologize, yet i hope that anyone that doesn't really like me? DID NOT READ IT!! Cause i am not,,in the mood right now to defend...anything i said,,,so this is what i am going to do,
ALL COMPLAINTS; PLEASE SEE MY RABBI (if he can't help then as LordnMster said talk to JESUS and if he can't help? PLEASE try to get the RABBI and JESUS together because i would really like to see them work thinks out. That should keep Your mind off me for awhile. YAY<<< mossy one.
_____________________________
~~inner peace & mental clarity~~
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A very wise kind woman posted these sites, and i do not wish to take credit for them;but in case You did not see them...i am relisting (trying to be discreet ) 
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