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RE: What's the truth? - 10/29/2007 6:45:48 PM

Firebirdseeking

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Bad example, Celeste; in June of 1980 I looked at a burger and decided I felt guilt eating meat so I quit as an experiment for a month. And that was the end of meat eating. So I know change is possible.

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/30/2007 2:45:41 AM

MasterFireMaam

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Change is hard and therefore unlikely. That he said he wanted to change for you is a slippery, if romantic, slope...and you've learned why. It often means that they are hoping they can turn your mind onto their way of thinking and thus they don't have to change at all. That's as unfair as the original. Find someone who knows themselves well enough to not promise change like that from the get-go. There are better matches to be found.

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Post #: 22

RE: What's the truth? - 10/30/2007 3:10:41 AM

xaria

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

I became deeply involved with a poly master who said he wanted to change. I am monagamous. His changing was the condition under which I entered the relationship, and I want to make it clear I did not ask for this change at all, I know better, but it was freely offered or so I thought. After several wonderful months, he began to grouse about my accepting him "for who he is", in other word, he began to push my hard limit and I began to defend it, which i know was not right. Then he abruptly ended the relationship; he said he wanted me and one other and his need for this kink was very strong. I would like some comments please. I still feel quite betrayed by his changing the rules.

i am sorry your relationship didn't work out, but i have to be a bit of a "devil's advicate" here. He entered a relationship with you knowing that being poly is a hard limit for you. You guys seemed to be going well for several months, until he started to "grouse" about accepting him for who he is. So, i got the jist, right?

Ok, so...it's obvious you love or at least, loved him. If you didn't, you wouldn't be here seeking answers from strangers. Loving someone can do some powerful things. It made him push aside his strongest feelings of needing more than one person to be with someone that ONLY wanted to be with just one man. He tried to change to meet your needs, but in the end found out that it doesn't work like that. People can change, but when it is demanded to change something that is so strong in ourselves, it isn't easy to change that feeling.

Life is about learning and using what you learn to not make the same mistakes. Instead of trying to oust your ex-Master, why not accept that you had several good months, but it turns out that you're not meant for each other? Because, yes he wanted you to change your hard limit, but maybe you had your own part in this.

You knew from the start he was someone that needed more than just one person. Maybe you should look into why that's such a hard limit for you. For some, it truly is because that's all they want or need. For others, it's because they have self-esteem issues that aren't being address or hard to change. i know that was my issue. i used to become very jealous because i felt like i would lose my Master if He was interested in someone else.

i am far from saying that there is a reason behind your want to remain monogamous. All i am saying is that this is the perfect time to research into yourself to learn from your experiences. Why focus on why he did it or how he "betrayed" you? That will only lead you down a negative path. Instead, maybe focus on how to keep it from happening again and move on from there. Whatever happens, i wish you the best of luck.

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/30/2007 12:59:34 PM

Firebirdseeking

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Yes, MasterFire Maam, you are right. I learned. And I wont repeat it.

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/30/2007 2:02:01 PM

Firebirdseeking

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Xaria: thank you for your thoughts as well. I repeat, I never asked him to change. It was offered, he wanted to "take me on my journey", I know better than to ask someone to change. And I also repeat, the diffficult part is not so much that perhaps we were not right for one another, but that I was cut off TOTALLY and finally.

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/30/2007 3:19:59 PM

xaria

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

Xaria: thank you for your thoughts as well. I repeat, I never asked him to change. It was offered, he wanted to "take me on my journey", I know better than to ask someone to change. And I also repeat, the diffficult part is not so much that perhaps we were not right for one another, but that I was cut off TOTALLY and finally.

Forgive me if i'm wrong, but did he not cut you off "TOTALLY and finally" for a reason? That reason would be because you're unwilling to change for him. He changed for you, but you were far from willing to say "hey, he tried it my way, maybe i could ask for us to work slowly towards his wants". A relationship is about compromise at times, if not most of the time. Sometimes it's about doing things that you may not like or want to agree to. Submitting to someone isn't some "happy-happy-joy-joy" fantasy. It's about taking the good with the bad, growing and experimenting to find what makes each other happy. (i hope you can excuse my sleepy-time rambling...)

i guess that's what seperates a submissive and a slave. It has never been so apparent to me the difference between me as a slave, and you or others as submissives. i would do just about anything, even let Him push my hard limits because i trust Him to do it in a safe manor. It doesn't sound like you trusted or was willing to explore. Yes, it was your hard limit, but let's face it, it's not a hard limit like sex with children.

There are some hard limits that Dominants will want to press. i know someone that had a hard limit of blindfolds. Her Master pushed that limit and she overcome her fears of losing that control. Maybe he felt that he could help you open up to a new experience. Some people are not as open to trying something new that they don't see it making them happy. i didn't think i would ever be poly, because i was a very jealous person. i found out mine stemmed from a lack of self confidence. The more my Master worked with me, the easier it became for me. i faced the fact that i didn't feel secure in my place with Him and that i was afraid that someone better would take my place. He has since showed me a security i have never, ever had in my life for another man. i am more settled and happier. i also love to share this information in hopes that it helps others.

i just hope this helps you. i also hope you do find what you're looking for, but if i could press home my suggestion from before, please think on it. It's best not to sit trying to seek out answers from strangers about a man you say "betrayed you", when you obviously cared for him. Seek answers within yourself or heck, go back and talk to him rationally about it all. i know coming here asking others is what these boards are for, but there has to be a point that you find the answers within yourself. Try to savour what you felt was good about your relationship and learn from what you didn't like from it. Good or bad, we are always learning. And the bad tends to give us the best learning experiences of our lifetime. i wish you well.

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Post #: 26

RE: What's the truth? - 10/30/2007 6:19:57 PM

MistressDiane

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quote:

ORIGINAL: teacherspet101

why is there feelings of this posting that the sub has more control over the Master or maybe seeking a soul mate instead of a Master? Specially when something as simple as this is stated a hard limit...

Funny you made this statement, I don't want to hijack this thread, maybe later I'll start a new one on it but I was discussing this turn just this evening with Bounty. It's not just in this posting but in a lot of them that I see anymore. Seems like a Dominant is expected to ask permission for anything they ask, think, feel or want to indulge in. A thread I saw earlier today is a great example of this, the sub didn't want to wear something he wanted to see her in because *she* thought it unflattering on herself and some suggested she "make it a hard limit", Gimme a break! How about letting the Dominant **decide for himself ** whether he likes it or not.

As for the OP.....from the way you've relayed this I'm with some of the others in that it sounds like at least he was willing to try (the only one willing to try I might add) and when he realized he couldn't do it he did you both a favor.

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/30/2007 9:08:18 PM

applecandy

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It's less a matter of asking permission as to finding a common ground - one which forms a safe base on which to expand. But in a sense, it is almost a request, since the sub has to agree to let the Dom/me do as he/she will. This is the basic agreement in ANY D/s relationship, no matter how man limits there are or are not. Both parties must consent to the relationship, and they must decide whether or not their kinks agree.

It's not fair to either party if the kinks don't match up at least somewhat. Your best bet, as a Dom/me, is to try and find a sub with kinks that at least MOSTLY match with yours. There should be some things that don't mesh - it's good for growth. But keep in mind - a sub is still a person, and they have likes and dislikes that deserve respect - even if that like is for you to ignore their dislikes. Your desires must mesh, or you're banging your head against a wall.

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Post #: 28

RE: What's the truth? - 11/1/2007 4:17:23 AM

xaria

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Greetings Free,
Greetings slaves,
Greetings visitors,

Greetings Mistress Diane,

*hi-jack!* Woots! A West Virginia girl! i am, too. :) i am from Weston, WV. (Sorry to the Free, i just wanted to throw out my appreciation for the lovely Mistress. i hope i wasn't naughty in doing so.) Ahhh...i miss it sooooooo much. i hope to be home one of these days.

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RE: What's the truth? - 11/1/2007 9:08:06 PM

prucilla

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going into a relationship where one person is trying to change their fundamental way of existing and relating to the world? More times than not, it's doomed to failure. If monogamy really is a hard limit for you and not something he can do, I don' think its fair to hold it against him; he knew he was poly an had a history of poly lifestyle. It sucks but it sounds like you all handled it. Too bad that the experiment did not succeed for you.

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RE: What's the truth? - 11/2/2007 2:59:09 AM

eyesopened

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i've seen variations of this senario many many times over the years. Poly Master finds Himself all alone.... all His slaves are gone... He thinks, maybe it's My being poly that's preventing Me from having someone, maybe I could try being monogomous. Wow! I found someone! Now I need to find MORE!!

LA's signature says it all "find stable partners not a stable of partners"

Just because someone is poly doesn't automatically make them successful in relationships.

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RE: What's the truth? - 11/4/2007 3:53:57 PM

Lucius

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

Bad example, Celeste; in June of 1980 I looked at a burger and decided I felt guilt eating meat so I quit as an experiment for a month. And that was the end of meat eating. So I know change is possible.

Right. So it should be just as easy for you to change again and become polyamorous, or at least, accepting of a Master's polyamory. After all, you've proven you can change by becoming vegeterian, right?

Yes?

Or...hm...

No?

The question is, "What's the truth?" And the answer is, we can't know. Probably even YOU can't know. Only HE knows if He was making a sincere effort. WE certainly can't know. We know He claimed to be making an effort to change for you, and that you haven't even claimed to have made such an effort. We know you DID agree to take the risk of a relationship that could easily founder on the difficulties of His attempted change, that you trusted Him to be honest about His intentions and motivations. We know you're hurting, but we can't know if it's because He tried to "bait and switch" you and failed, or because He tried to "change His spots" and failed.

And we know you're hurting because of the risk you took. Maybe I think it was an imprudent risk, but even I sort of admire you for taking it anyway.

Lucius Alexander

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RE: What's the truth? - 11/4/2007 6:06:01 PM

Firebirdseeking

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Thank you, Lucius.

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RE: What's the truth? - 11/5/2007 6:59:22 AM

MidnightMaiden