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What's the truth? - 10/14/2007 1:59:39 AM

Firebirdseeking

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I became deeply involved with a poly master who said he wanted to change. I am monagamous. His changing was the condition under which I entered the relationship, and I want to make it clear I did not ask for this change at all, I know better, but it was freely offered or so I thought. After several wonderful months, he began to grouse about my accepting him "for who he is", in other word, he began to push my hard limit and I began to defend it, which i know was not right. Then he abruptly ended the relationship; he said he wanted me and one other and his need for this kink was very strong. I would like some comments please. I still feel quite betrayed by his changing the rules.

RE: What's the truth? - 10/14/2007 5:41:36 AM

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Look, he tried to change and couldn't. At least he was man enough to be open about it instead of trying to juggle you and another chick secretly. So he pushed your hard limit and you defended it. It's not like he trampled over it and said oops afterward. Give it some time and you'll get over it and move on to finding someone that wants the samething you want.

Though you'll have to explain how he changed the rules? Seems to me he played by the rules that you both agreed. And when he couldn't anymore, he told you he wanted to change a rule. When you said you didn't want to, he stopped playing. I see nothing wrong with that.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

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(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

RE: What's the truth? - 10/14/2007 6:01:06 AM

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I agree with Mr D there... How about you look at it differently. What if you wanted 'nilla and he agree to try? After a while he decided he couldn't live like that... the D/s and BDSM was too much a part of his life. At least he was honest with you. He tried, it didn't work for him.... did you try the poly to see if it wouldn't work for you? At least he stepped outside of his comfort zone a put forth that effort. I think I'd feel more special then betrayed, you almost got that leopard to change his spots. How many spots on yourself have you tried to change lately?

Jewel

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/14/2007 9:32:51 AM

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I also agree with Mr. D. I don't think he lied to you unless he continued seeing others behind your back while he was promising monogamy to you. Simply put, he changed his mind. We are all entitled to do so. I am assuming he made the commitment with a sincere effort but when he couldn't keep it, he offered you the truth and did the responsible thing in breaking it off with you. I understand the hurt and betrayal you feel, honestly, I would feel the same way. However, when the pain of this subsides and you revisit it, you will see what he did was the caring thing.

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/14/2007 9:40:00 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

I became deeply involved with a poly master who said he wanted to change. I am monagamous. His changing was the condition under which I entered the relationship, and I want to make it clear I did not ask for this change at all, I know better, but it was freely offered or so I thought. After several wonderful months, he began to grouse about my accepting him "for who he is", in other word, he began to push my hard limit and I began to defend it, which i know was not right. Then he abruptly ended the relationship; he said he wanted me and one other and his need for this kink was very strong. I would like some comments please. I still feel quite betrayed by his changing the rules.

i would say he said he would change but in his heart thought after he got you hooked you would accept him as he was. He underestimated you and how hard a limit it was. i personally don't think he had any intention of changing at all, thats my opinion of course. You have a right to feel betrayed because you were. You're better off without him anyway - he's not honest and he's into a kink that's a hard limit of yours - why bang your head against the wall.

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Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/14/2007 11:15:43 AM

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why is there feelings of this posting that the sub has more control over the Master or maybe seeking a soul mate instead of a Master? Specially when something as simple as this is stated a hard limit...
Being poly does not mean that you are anything less in His or Her eyes. The postings of being afraid of rejection, of being jealous would make that sub/slave be looked at as too demanding for their status they state them are....

(in reply to velvetears)

RE: What's the truth? - 10/14/2007 11:53:10 AM

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So you met someone that was incompatible. You became involved with this person under the condition that he changed in order to be more compatible. In the end, you were still incompatible.

Damn, that sucks.

It's a good thing that life goes on!

How I've phrased things might seem to be a bit abrasive, but it certainly puts a new perspective on things when you break them down into the sum of their parts.

Any judgements I make on what this guy's possible motivations were is pure speculation. I don't know the guy, and really, the only person that really knows a person's motivations is that person.

From what it sounds like to me, is the guy knew that poly was a limit for you, and still wanted to be with you. Maybe he thought he could change, maybe he wanted to for himself, but from the sound of it, he wanted to for you. Or, yet another option is he thought that once you were attached you would be willing to give it a try.

Whatever the case, the guy was at least honest with you. He told you that he was poly from the get go, he gave being monogamous a sporting try, when he was unable to, he was honest with you. When you asserted that you couldn't bend, since he couldn't either, he ended it, which is way better than trying the patch a sinking ship with bubble gum and going down with it anyway in the end.

As the ever-wise "they" say, "some things just aren't meant to be".

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/14/2007 3:04:27 PM

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I also find it hard to fault Him as it seems He was honest throughout. I'm inclined to think that being poly is probably as hard to give up as being involved in this lifestyle is ... there's another thread on the general board on that one! So perhaps that was an unreasonable expectation on His part that He could give it up, maybe He felt He just had to try. Could even be that He thought you were worth trying for. And as Jewel pointed out, He cared enough to try your way ... how willing were you to try His?

On a personal note, people have asked Me why I just don't give up being Dominant as well as sub ... now i have Master ... can't i just be happy with Him? Believe me, i've thought long and hard about that ... would be so much easier ... but it would be denying half of Myself a voice ... and it won't last! Jay just pops out and gets me in trouble with Master LOL (umm, She called Him "pet" the other day LMAO) ... no matter how hard or sincerely i try ... i'm a Duality and that's all there is to it.

Perhaps your Master is poly and can't be otherwise. If you are convinced you are mono and can't be otherwise ... choose your partners more wisely next time.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/14/2007 7:44:53 PM

Firebirdseeking

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First, I want to thank everyone for his/her thoughts. I agree that it was probably not a "meant to be". However: only he knows if he really tried to change or not, and I dont know if he really did. I never asked him to. But, the real hurt is being totally cut off. I thought a Master, even if he is a former master, would have more respect for a former sub, and more integrity. That is what hurts.

(in reply to MaamJay)

RE: What's the truth? - 10/14/2007 7:52:24 PM

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Look on the bright side, he wanted to be with you so much that he tried to stop being poly to make it work with you. Its a huge sacrifice and a compliment regarding his feelings for you. Perhaps he deserves to be remembered fondly rather than with feelings of betrayal. Good luck.

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

RE: What's the truth? - 10/14/2007 8:26:37 PM

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I would have to agree with MD and the others. He told you he was poly to begin with and as much as he cared about you, he could not change his orientation.

I would rather have a dom who was honest with me about his intentions than just trying to sneak another sub into the mix and lie about it. Both of you would have struggle with your relationship and resent each other in the long run because of having different expectations..

Take care of yourself and perhaps, look for a dom who can be monogamous to you.

< Message edited by corsetgirl -- 10/14/2007 8:28:27 PM >

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/15/2007 5:35:09 AM

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Let's see if I got this right...

It's the case of your hard limit versus his hard desire. He squelched his hard desire to begin a relationship with you, and several "wonderful months" ensued.

My comments: in any growing relationship, one or both will grow and stretch the other. Sometimes it's in a good way. Most often it's initially experienced as bad. It looks like he offered to change the rules and that was experienced as betrayal.

Here's what I've experienced a lot in poly. A relationship starts and works well because a partner wants X. Time passes and a partner wants Y, sometimes instead of X. There was no deception or betrayal. The partner's wants just changed. This always stresses the relationship. In my experience the outcomes were fantastic, after a period of grief.

In your case, his change appears to be a change back to something he wanted before. This certainly smacks of betrayal, but only if he really kept something from you. For instance, it wouldn't be fair in my book if he knew he'd planned to try to convince you to be poly later after you were invested in the relationship, and kept that plan a secret. Did he do that?

In defense of poly, it is often a great way to handle what he wanted which was to have you and to experience the "one other" for whom his "kink was very strong."

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

RE: What's the truth? - 10/15/2007 5:49:09 PM

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After several wonderful months, he began to grouse about my accepting him "for who he is", in other word, he began to push my hard limit and I began to defend it, which i know was not right.
As i see it he had no right to push what you had set out as a hard limit. You accepted him for what he was at the beginning of the relationship, supposably a man who wanted to be monogamous. Ok it didnt work for him and he found he couldnt do it, all credit to him that he admitted it.

I still feel quite betrayed by his changing the rules.
He didnt necessarily change the rules, he asked to change them. He just like you has no obligation to settle for less than he wants or needs. I dont think he betrayed you either.

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If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/15/2007 7:44:25 PM

Firebirdseeking

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he did try to change the rules. My last conversation consisted of him saying "I own you, and you will do as I say". Does that sound like he changed the rules? It sounds to me like he was demanding to change the rules.

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/16/2007 2:56:45 AM

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My last conversation consisted of him saying "I own you, and you will do as I say". Does that sound like he changed the rules?
Yes, but to be honest i would be more alarmed there that He used the i own you line to try to push a hard limit. Your limits are in place for a reason just as my choice to have no limits is.
He's not worth your tears or a second though hun.

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What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

RE: What's the truth? - 10/16/2007 6:17:49 PM

Firebirdseeking

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so many different comments and they all have some truth in them...

firebirdseeking, confused

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/17/2007 8:51:43 AM

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hi firebirdseeking.... how well i understand the confusion you feel now... it happens to most in one way or another. to me, this is why knowing oneself is so crucial... and being able to set the groundrules of a relationship based on that, in a sense choosing the direction you (plural) want to go. you don't expect the foundation to change.

for myself, i'm learning what i need.. what pulls me.. the things i won't choose on purpose to live without or try to live with. . poly happens to be one of the things that pulls me... so, when i'm talking with someone.. i bring it up, i bring it up early and if they're not interested.. i move on.

my point is about making sure that the important things are the same. a hard limit for one needs to be a hard limit for the other person also... or at a minimum, it falls into the "i don't care about this" arena. ones hard limit being a need for the other - not a good match.

he could have said "we're not a match"... so could you. both have a responsibility in sorting out the "are we a match?" puzzle.

good luck in your search... some need poly, some don't... and that goes for lots of things....

and enjoy your search... there are some really nice people out there, exploring their minds can be an amazing experience.

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

RE: What's the truth? - 10/29/2007 5:53:40 AM

Firebirdseeking

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Well what I learned is that the leopard doesnt change its spots - including THIS leopard. Which brings me to another point. To truly dominate, one had to know himself and his limitations. Thoroughly. In the words of Clint Eastwood "A man has to know his limitations".

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RE: What's the truth? - 10/29/2007 8:06:31 AM

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He didn't change the rules and demand you accept him seeing others. He tried to be monogamous and found he couldn't.

I've known people get involved with vegetarians thinking it wouldn't be so rough never eating meat as they only ate it a couple of times a week anyway, but they found out the longer they couldn't have it, the more they needed it. Some agreed that as long as he didn't bring it home and cook it there it was fine. Others couldn't bear to sit at the same table with a meat eater and broke up.

They didn't change the rules, they discovered something new about themselves.

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

RE: What's the truth? - 10/29/2007 12:19:03 PM

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I must say - I empathize with you, Firebirdseeking, but as one who has freshly emerged into the poly classification, I can sympathize with Him. Trying to quash something like that can make one feel trapped, even when they are not. Discovering this option has helped me explain those exact feelings in my previous relationships.

His intentions are, as previously stated, known to him alone. As such, I can only attempt to give advice on coping with the end result. Remember what you had, and take the good as well as the negative. The experience has brought you joy as well as heartache, and the best way I have found to cope with loss like that is to take the whole of it with me, learning from the entirety and bringing those lessons forward into the next relationship. Remember what worked, and keep those things in mind as well as what didn't. Hopefully, that will help your next go around work out much more successfully.

_____________________________

--Hime

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." -Buddha

(in reply to Celeste43)

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