a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme - 10/15/2007 12:15:48 PM

ricar00

Posts: 45
Joined: 2/11/2006
Status: offline

i am an older, experienced submissive in a new relationship (2 months) with a younger, less experienced domme. The age is not the issue, but the difference in experience is something i need some help with. i really treasure my new Goddess and hope to serve her a long time. i am one of 3, have a special place that fits into what she wants from her property.
How do i help her without topping from the bottom what i have learned over the many years serving various Mistresses and Women. She picked me both because i am deeply into pain and related and because she can feed off me and gain more power from my vulnerability and submissiveness, especially in play, than she has with anyone else. She also chose me because i was more experienced. But i am not sure how to go about giving and sharing with her my knowledge and experience and yet not top from the bottom or decrease her authority. Also, the other issue is my eageness to please and serve her vs. her slowly developing and evolving methodology.
Can someone help or give me assistance?
Thank you,
richie (ricar00)

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme - 10/15/2007 12:32:06 PM

AFlyInYourWeb

Posts: 284
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline

Gingerly...never during play...and certainly never in front of her other subs.

Ask her if she'd like you to start a journal of your observations and suggestions. She can then read it or not, and take from it what she likes. Try to keep your observations and suggestions seperate from your own desires...be as clinical and dispassionate as humanly possible. Wherever practical, quote from other sources and provide links to footnote what you say.

In short, if you don't make it personal, she is not likely to take it personally.

< Message edited by AFlyInYourWeb -- 10/15/2007 12:34:31 PM >

(in reply to ricar00)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme - 10/15/2007 1:31:04 PM

MsSophie

Posts: 142
Joined: 3/26/2006
From: Stockholm, Sweden
Status: offline

I suppose everyone is different, but I am eternally grateful to those experienced subs I got to learn from when I first started out. I still, many years down the line, appreciate playing with someone who has more experience than I do and have an opportunity to learn from them. Maybe them stopping me mid-stroke to give me feed-back wouldn't be such a great thing, but I really like being able to going over a scene after.

_____________________________

My site: http://www.euro-kink.com

(in reply to AFlyInYourWeb)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme - 10/15/2007 1:33:09 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Agreed. Never during play. Also agreed that these discussions with you should be private.

Speaking as someone who was also in this situation some years ago (My first boy was certainly more experienced than I was when starting out) there are some very positive ways to approach this. Communication and how you approach is the key. What I would suggest would be a request to your Goddess (your term) that you might share feedback time that is seperate from playtime/dungeon activity/aftercare. Usually, a day or two later provide the perfect opportunity. With Her permission, go over the positives and negatives. Do it in a comfortable setting. Perhaps at the kitchen table, over coffee, or something of the like. If She agrees, set up a specific discussion zone, so both feel free to give and receive input. One key point. Establish an understanding that this is learning time, and not just an opportunity for critisism. It would be to your credit to make sure you mention the positives of your encounters.

I am intentionally keeping this short to conserve board space, but I'm happy to talk with you and your Goddess, should you want to bounce things off of someone who has been in this type of situation.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to AFlyInYourWeb)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme - 10/15/2007 4:24:30 PM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

I would provide her with articles, stories and such that will stimulate her own imagination. From there she'll open up and start asking questions or want to try new things. Its also in the way you express yourself without asking for things. Adoration and worship goes a very long way with the right woman.

_____________________________

(in reply to LadyPact)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme - 10/15/2007 4:28:42 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

I've run into this situation MANY times, and I'll give the advice that has actually worked most of the time. Have a time set aside where the two of you discuss the ideas and concepts, and where she can ask you questions without it being a D/s dynamic. Then, when that is done, you STOP being the one showing her or telling her how to do things. You have to let her fail on her own or excel on her own as well. Quite often, we forget that we learn as much, if not more, from our mistakes than we do from our successes.

If you don't want to be topping from the bottom, you need to make sure both of you structure those conversations so that they are benefiting her learning, and not benefiting what you think should be done cause you want so and so to happen because it exists in your fantasies. You really have to separate those.

On a similar, side note, I was just looking through some online sites of some of the Bay Area professional dominants, and out of the blue I came across a house where a woman is employed who was introduced to the scene by me. I made practically every mistake in the book with her (by not doing what I said to do in this particular posting), and by the time we were done, our relationship was a complete goner. She left the scene and everything, so it's kind of strange to see that seven years later, she came back and is doing professional sessions. So, I guess if there's any positive point: You can pass on knowledge to a younger, less experienced dominant, but be very careful how you do so because you don't want to burn any bridges in the process.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to LadyPact)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme - 10/15/2007 6:55:14 PM

MySweetSubmssive

Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

The first submissve I spent time with had much more experience than I did. I believe that he had been 24/7 for a few years. I think it's a great way to go. I experienced this person as supportive and intuitive, rathe than topping from the bottom.

While I can't give you advice, I can tell you what was useful about him, as an experienced submissive. He was a receptive, blank canvas for me. That's really hard to fine. Perhaps the greatest thing was that when my dominance felt like a guttering candle flame in a draft, he was able to keep in *his* head space. This gift helped me gain confidence. He offered behaviors of a well-trained submissive, and was flexible enough to keep the behaviors I wanted and drop the ones I didn't. That was one of the ways I learned. He would offer feedback and responses when I asked for it, verbally and non-verbally, and would be quiet when I told him to. He enjoyed the things I liked doing, which tripped me out.

You asked specifically about teaching vs allowing her to evolve. For me it worked that it was much, much more the latter. I realized that his experience was there as a resource, but I am glad that he waited for me to ask for that information rather than offering.

Adding on to what others said, I learned from him via IM. I peppered him with lots of questions. When I was with him, we both ignored the fact that this other conversation had gone on. This compartmentalization allowed us to share ideas, concerns, vulnerabilities without affecting the dynamic of a scene.

Hope that helps, and enjoy!
MSS

< Message edited by MySweetSubmssive -- 10/15/2007 6:59:44 PM >

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme - 10/15/2007 8:42:18 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I have to say up front that I am startled that this relatively inexperienced lady has THREE submissives. Not being judgemental, just saying WOW, that's a big challenge for an experienced person.

It crossed my mind that an experienced submissive/slave can really spoil a person. They start out essentially pre-trained in a lot of ways, and know how a service and D/s dynamic works, so their adjustment is more getting used to the new person, rather than getting used to submission. When you're talking with your lady, suggest that direct communication of her desires is a vital thing. I am thinking that you are "reading her mind" a lot? It wouldn't be right for her to carry on thinking that ALL subs have that quality, and she won't be able to draw out that desire to serve well in others unless she has a chance to practice.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme - 10/16/2007 5:34:42 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AFlyInYourWeb
Gingerly...never during play...and certainly never in front of her other subs.

Ask her if she'd like you to start a journal of your observations and suggestions. She can then read it or not, and take from it what she likes. Try to keep your observations and suggestions seperate from your own desires...be as clinical and dispassionate as humanly possible. Wherever practical, quote from other sources and provide links to footnote what you say.

In short, if you don't make it personal, she is not likely to take it personally.

Excellent post.

Also, another aspect of being more experienced is that someone new and not sure of herself may find it harder to reach a dominant state of mind with you. To that effect, increasing your degree of submission might help. I think where one falls on the spectrum between complete submission and complete dominance is related to the other person--increasing your submission allows more room for greater dominance.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to AFlyInYourWeb)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme - 10/18/2007 3:11:59 AM

FullfigRIMaam

Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline

quote:

She also chose me because i was more experienced. But i am not sure how to go about giving and sharing with her my knowledge and experience and yet not top from the bottom or decrease her authority.

When not playing, and in a relaxed atmosphere, tell her you have some ideas/thoughts about certain types of play or about what happened during your last session, see how she receives that opening, and whether she green lights you to go on. M

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

(in reply to ricar00)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: a more experienced sub with a less experienced domme - 10/18/2007 3:17:55 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

While experience about techinical stuff is a necessity, in my opinion, experience is generally only as good as the person it is with. That having been said, having experience, you have a very good idea about yourself and how you feel about things and sharing that type of experience is important.

I would suggest a journal that she can read and chose whether to discuss the things you put in it or not. In this situation, I might give an assignment to write about the best experiences and worst experiences you have had to use the experience to get a better picture of you. A journal is nonconfrontational, and can either open up discussion or not, her choice.

(in reply to FullfigRIMaam)

Profile

Post #: 11