"Picking a Dom" (Full Version)

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colouredin -> "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 9:53:20 AM)

Now i know fundementally the Dom picks the sub. But i get a fair amount of attention from Doms. Up until now as i am new i have only 'play partners' and now i am keen to look for something more lasting. I generally wait for Doms to contact me and have about five at the moment that i talk to regularly. Basically i was just wondering how subs decide who to concentrate their efforts on. You get differant types of mails, some that seem like resume's spouting their experiance others instantly expect total respect and some talk to you in a more nilla way to get to know you. The five Doms i talk to are all aware of one another and are all very differant in their styles, i was jsut wondering how people here started their first D/s relationships what was most important to them. I hope this message doesnt sound arrogant or disrespectful im just genuienly unsure what to do.



camille65 -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 10:02:12 AM)

If I were in your place I would do a pro/con list of all the doms I'm talking to. You need to really understand what it is that you want, looking at both now & the future.

Are there things that set one apart from the others? Is there one you feel most comfortable/secure/happy around?

Argh my keyboard is so full of kitty hair the space bar isn't working lol.



RCdc -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 10:08:59 AM)

quote:

Now i know fundementally the Dom picks the sub


That would be incorrect IMO.
 
The rest of the post does come across as a little controling, but you are new, and it could just be your writing style or the way the text crosses over online.
The question I would ask is are you after a LTR or are you exploring at the moment?
If its exploring, then just kick back and enjoy the ride, don;t get weighed down by what is 'fundementally' right or wrong.  BDSM relationships are no different to any other.  You get to make a choice, you get to surrender.  Once that has been made and communication occurs, then sure - the master may take complete control depending on the kind of relationship you both want.
 
Your post sounds a little mixed up to me.  You obviously have your own ideas and desires, but there seems to be an underlying thought that things are done a certain way.  They aren't.  You choose how your relationships develop - that is your responsibility.  Your question cannot be answered by others as its all down to personal choice.  How do you decide to date when you meet people in a bar?  How do you decide to go out with someone at all?
 
Understand yourself first and what you want and are willing to give, and then those that have the same ideas as you will become more apparent.
 
the.dark.



colouredin -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 10:13:39 AM)

The thing is and the reason my question sounds mixed is because i am no stranger to saying the wrong thing and offending people, which seems easy to do. For example not capping names etc etc. maybe it is jsut a case of sitting down and thinking what is it i actually want. But as i am new how can i really know what i dont want. Thats really hard you want to experiance everything lol. 



Aileen68 -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 10:16:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Now i know fundementally the Dom picks the sub. But i get a fair amount of attention from Doms. Up until now as i am new i have only 'play partners' and now i am keen to look for something more lasting. I generally wait for Doms to contact me and have about five at the moment that i talk to regularly. Basically i was just wondering how subs decide who to concentrate their efforts on. You get differant types of mails, some that seem like resume's spouting their experiance others instantly expect total respect and some talk to you in a more nilla way to get to know you. The five Doms i talk to are all aware of one another and are all very differant in their styles, i was jsut wondering how people here started their first D/s relationships what was most important to them. I hope this message doesnt sound arrogant or disrespectful im just genuienly unsure what to do.



In my world it's the sub who determines whether or not the dom is picked.  I don't look at picking a dom like filling out a job application.  If I start talking to someone and there isn't any kind of attraction or chemistry then I know they aren't the one for me.  If there is a connection then I'll take it to the next level and see if our kink and goals match up.  If they do then we meet and take it from there.  For me it's no different then vanilla dating. 



RCdc -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 10:22:54 AM)

I would ask how much real time experience you have had?  Or have you been learning via online?  The reason I ask is that capping isn't a thing you have to do - it may be some peoples protocol and I am not knocking it, but it isn't really what BDSM is all about.  Capping may be an online protocol, but really - if someone gets that upset about a few simple mistakes on you not capping them, do you really want to be close to someone like that?  For me, that answer would be no.  How about for you?
 
Darcy would never dream of insisting someone cap his name if he didn't own that person.  He doesn't insist on any honourifics.  If the person doesn;t own you then they have no rights over your  behaviour up to that which YOU give them.
 
I don't know if you know of CMs search function - but if you do, I would highly recoomend you search threads for the words 'capitalisations' - you will see it isn;t the be and end all for the majority of people.
 
My concern is you are becoming bogged down by online proceedures and not really getting to the core of who you are and what you want and can give.  There is no harm in upsetting people, you can;t please all the people all of the time and you will make mistakes - but those mistakes are lessons to learn from and if someone isn;t patient in allowing you to learn, then they aren;t worth your time and submission IMO.
 
Peace
the.dark.



sub4hire -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 10:25:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Basically i was just wondering how subs decide who to concentrate their efforts on. You get differant types of mails, some that seem like resume's spouting their experiance others instantly expect total respect and some talk to you in a more nilla way to get to know you.


Just like you would any other relationship.  Who are you compatible with?  Who do you feel secure and can be yourself with?  That is the person you choose.
It is the sub who chooses the dominant.  As someone else stated....why would you want to be with someone you are completely uncompatible with just for the sake of being with them?
In my relationships it was a mutual choosing then all power in the relationship went over to him once I submitted to him.
Everything in negotiated upon.  If you don't feel comfortable with something...let the dominant know.  How else are you ever going to be able to choose the right person for you?



Shawn1066 -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 10:29:18 AM)

My advice would be go with whoever talks to you in the most Nilla way.  That's just a personal preference, but I don't see any lasting appeal to people who just try to get you to jump straight into submission.  Submission is something to be earned, after all.

We're all people...and that should come before the Dominant/Submissive dynamic, in my opinion. :-)



colouredin -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 10:39:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shawn1066

My advice would be go with whoever talks to you in the most Nilla way.  That's just a personal preference, but I don't see any lasting appeal to people who just try to get you to jump straight into submission.  Submission is something to be earned, after all.

We're all people...and that should come before the Dominant/Submissive dynamic, in my opinion. :-)


Thankyou, :D i wasnt really expecting a reply like that and from what i have said to people on a one to one basis thats not at all what they have said is most important, In fact for some wanting to know someone in a nilla way gets hit with comments like your not really a sub and yadda yadda.


to Darcy and the Dark, no most of my esperiance is R/T just the capping thing seemed to be the easiest example i could name.

Thanks everyone for your responses. Thing is despite saying that im getting bogged down in protocol when you are bellittled or insulted for getting these things wrong you do worry about what you can and what you cant say.



iammachine -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 10:51:06 AM)

You have every right to be selective about who you choose to submit to. Take some time out and think about what you want, and what resonates with you.

I, myself, tend to work by a process of elimination. I learn a lot about what I do want, but ruling out what I don't. This might be a good starting point. What are your hard limits, what are your soft limits? Keep in mind that these limits probably will change over time, but it's good for quickly understanding who is probably incompatible at least.

So you know what you don't want so you can par down to people that are the most compatible. What about them resonates with you? What is it that you enjoy or want from an exchange? Do they want the same things? How compatible with you are they?

D/s relationships really aren't very different than any other in regard to selection and compatibility. The process is the same, the packaging is just a bit different.



RCdc -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 10:51:39 AM)

I probably come across a bit like an old hag... [;)] - I know it is hard when you are belittled and you want to keep people happy, but if you do feel belittled and humiliated and that isn;t something you want and it is distressing you, then I would advise you to walk away from people who make you feel worthless or bad when humiliation or the like isn't your thing.
 
As shawn wrote beautifully, we are all simply people and that comes first and foremost, and if someone can value you as a person, they will value your submission and visa versa (domination).  The protocol comes after the inital friendship - no dominant worth their weight would try to make you do anything - they may communicate the way they work and you then choose to submit to it or not.  It's not about submitting immediately to the person who comes to you and says - 'Im a dominant, submit like this' - and getting it wrong, it's about learning the protocols of your particular relationship and seeing if you are able to submit that way.  You have to be able to communicate your needs and wants also, else the dominant won't know if he can work with you.
 
the.dark.



iammachine -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 10:56:50 AM)

quote:

In fact for some wanting to know someone in a nilla way gets hit with comments like your not really a sub and yadda yadda.


Welcome to the internet. You'll get a lot of that, go with that resonates with you, screw what the One Twue Way people have to say. A lot of people will get hostile if you aren't compatible with eachother, fortuntately you aren't required to bother with them. :)



toservez -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 12:28:17 PM)

I will echo what most are saying. First you do choose who you want to be with. If you did not then you need mental health treatment. Anyone telling you different is in need of their own mental health treatment or playing a game of semantics. Sorry to all the Goreans out there!

My advice in how to choose is just like any other relationship you have been in. You pick based on who you are attracted to and feel is the best fit, the game of heart and mind playing key roles in the selection.

How you do it both mentally and the instruments, time and ways is entirely up to you. The key thing though I would stress from reading your thread is you need to do this in terms of knowing yourself and what you need and want and do not do anything based on I read I am suppose to do this or if I am that I do this type thoughts. The things you want and need will feel natural with or without some nerves to overcome. The things you do not want or can handle do feel differently.

I wish you the best in your journey.



Celeste43 -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 8:26:58 PM)

You pick them as much as they pick you. Compatibility works both ways.

The way to help choose who you are compatible with is to know more about yourself. When you know what you need and what you can't deal with, that helps. But if you're talking to five different people and they all seem just fine, then it's past time you start dating. Meeting for coffee and see if there's sufficient chemistry to go to lunch or if he reminds you of the goofy kid down the block. Just like in real life you meet people and see if you like them enough to meet with them again.



RosesHaveThorns -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 8:58:54 PM)

1) Anyone who invokes the true sub argument is probably a faker or a internet jerk. Avoid!

2) As for the 'nilla thing...I would see it more as, who talks to you as you would like to have a conversation in the LTR relationship? If that means talking of your jobs, then go for the 'nilla option!

3) As for choosing...Who do you want to allow to dominate you, and who are you attracted to for a relationship?



stella41b -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/19/2007 9:04:14 PM)

I've been in a very similar situation a few times over the past few years. However I'm probably more experienced, but I'm also a TS female, which (and I don't know why, so please don't ask) gives me that air of added 'mystery' that you don't find among male and female subs. However much of this attention is often for the wrong reasons, i.e. people want to get to know me because I'm TS.

However what I don't understand is what I call the Walmart or Car Showroom approach to BDSM. I think this is down to the Internet. It's a wonderfully powerful tool of communication, but some people still have problems understanding it and what it does and can do, and what it doesn't and cannot do. Part of this problem is the fact that most of us have been transformed by various social changes into happy little shoppers and consumers.

So okay, you get to Walmart's website, and you have access to thousands of products. Same too with any product or service, it's there, you want it? You got it.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people adopt the very same attitude when they are looking for someone else on the Internet - no matter whether it's an employee, an employer, a partner, a date, a submissive or a Dom. They seem to think that they can access a site like Collarme, browse the profiles, and pick either a submissive or Dominant and at the snap of fingers, a brief e-mail, that person is immediately in their life and 'the deal is done'.

You can find plenty of evidence of this on these very boards, you know the threads:

'Why can't I find a ....'?
'How do you find a.......?'
Any thread containing the words 'liar' or 'fake'
Any thread containing the words 'true' or 'real'

This is not to mention the hundreds of threads created by people who've gone straight into the play and D/s aspects without getting to know the person first and hit some sort of problem.

This appears to be another one of those 'How do you...?' Walmart strategy type threads.

This is also not to mention the e-Bay strategy of finding people via the Internet - the strategy is simple - simply get as many replies as you can from as many people interested in you and giving them the false impression you're interested in them whilst you play one off against the other to get 'the best deal' based on your needs and desires. Don't worry about all the others who fall for this as you go poof poof poof poof poof through the candidates, draw up a shortlist and then go poof poof poof poof through the meetings, only usually to realise six months later you picked the wrong person anyway. (This isn't even speed-dating. A friend of mine more crudely describes it as Flatulence Dating).

I just have four criteria:
1.Can we communicate and find friendship?
2. Can we trust each other?
3. Do we both want the same thing?
4. Can we achieve this same thing from what we both bring to our relationship in our different roles and can we still be ourselves and enjoy the trust, friendship and communication as it develops and makes the relationship easier?

All four questions require a YES to start a relationship. Anything less becomes either NO BUT THERE'S STILL FRIENDSHIP or THANKS, BUT NO THANKS.

To me it's really that simple.



arayofsunshine55 -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/20/2007 1:40:54 PM)

What is fundamentally important is connecting with a guy who is compatible in terms of life, values, interests, professionalism, etc.   And who can handle me as I am.   Both of these are pretty large things and I'd use that to sort through the 5.  



grlneedstolearn -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/20/2007 2:26:22 PM)

i sent out sooo many emails to different Doms that i was looking for in my "criteria" so to say and started talking with a few. The ones that i talk with the most are the ones that i will "focus" on more than the ones i have an occasional every now and then hi how are you type conversations. Take time to know the person, though every person can come off as a different persona online and in real time. If you like the person and have had many conversations with him, (at least a few, but again it's based on your perspective of him), go out for lunch or something and try to actually see who the person is and get to know them. One advice that my Dom gives me a lot is, talk to them on the phone and then go and meet them somewhere. That's how i go about meeting and trying to find my Dom.
  Best of luck



chellekitty -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/20/2007 2:49:57 PM)

first you look at them to check visually for ripeness...then you check for firmness....then you smell them....then you bite them....then you taste them....then you swallow them....if at any point a sense does not "feel" right....you reject them



AquaticSub -> RE: "Picking a Dom" (10/20/2007 3:39:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Now i know fundementally the Dom picks the sub.



I'm of the opinion that you pick each other, not that the dom picks the sub or the sub picks the dom.

quote:


Basically i was just wondering how subs decide who to concentrate their efforts on.

Well, I go by our "vanilla" interests really. Great scenes and hot sex are all well and good, and also high on the lists of "must haves" but they won't do me much good if my owner won't let me disappear on weekends to do reenacting. Or understand when I say "Must... get... kill...on!" and hole up in front of the laptop to play LORTO or Oblivion. Or understand how much success in martial arts means to me and encourage me to achieve those dreams. Find the things that matter the most to you, like always being able to see your family on a regular basis or having a particular kind of pet and ask them how they feel about it.



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