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Safety for Old and New - 2/14/2004 3:50:52 PM

chya

Posts: 31
Joined: 1/30/2004
From: Near Albany NY
Status: offline

It is with heavy heart and a troubled soul that i write this day. We spoke in the chat room of safety and the need for it in this lifestyle when you meet. The need for safe calls and how you may NOT KNOW the ones that you meet as well, even though you may have spoken to them for many months and think that you have formed a sort of bond to them.
Many of us that have gotten attached to the net as out main social network and that have been here for many years will know what i speak of. It is hard in this day and age to meet and in the medium what we call the NET we seek to find others of like mind and that may have similar likes, needs and experiences in their lives. We come on the chat rooms to meet others as friends and for those that are not attached to meet potential play partners or life partners. I have seen and heard many things while here and in RL meetings of others and i cannot stress enough be SAFE when you meet, meet in public places and have safe calls to someone that knows of your lifestyle at least every 30 minutes and set a time that you may leave the meeting to call so that your SAFE CALL will know that you are ok. I realise that it may be difficult at times for a submissive or slave to even ponder that the person that may Dominate you WILL and CAN actually hurt you. But there are people out there that are abusive or do not have the knowledge that they profess about the lifestyle.. Please read all that you can about safety, ask questions, make sure you have a correct copy of ID from the person you are to meet and yes even follow your gut instinct it is not always wrong. If you need to learn more and do not know where to go ask others in the NET community there is always someone willing to help you. If you can join a local BDSM group and then you can meet and get to know others in your community in Real Life.. Please use safe words at the beginning of any relationship so that you can get to know your potential partner, tell them what you are willing and not willing TO DO ...Always try to make it safe, sane and consentual until you are certain that you wish to continue onwards with whom you meet...

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RE: Safety for Old and New - 2/14/2004 6:45:17 PM

SherriA

Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

NOTE: you in this post refers to the generic "you" out there, not to chya specifically.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chya
have safe calls to someone that knows of your lifestyle at least every 30 minutes and set a time that you may leave the meeting to call so that your SAFE CALL will know that you are ok.

I know this is an unpopular position, but I've yet to get a satisfactory answer to my questions, so I'll ask them again here. What do you expect your safecall to do, exactly? Is s/he supposed to call the police? Will the police do anything? Are you sure and have you talked to local police to find out what their policy is on this issue? Many will do NOTHING if an adult is out on a "date" and doesn't call in at the appointed time. They'll insist you wait 24 hrs and file a missing person's report.

So, if calling the police isn't going to be effective, then do you expect the person who agrees to be your safecall to come and find you if you don't call at the appointed time? Does s/he understand the risks you're asking him/her to take? What do you expect him/her to do when s/he gets there? Physically confront your "date"? Take a battering ram to the door and come in on a white horse to rescue you? I'm being extreme, of course, but stop and think about it. Just what do you REALISTICALLY expect from your safecall? Is it really going to keep you safe? Or is just going to give you a false sense of security so that perhaps your internal radar isn't on full force? IMX, a safecall does little to protect anyone, other than perhaps making you *feel* safer when in actuality you're not.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chya
make sure you have a correct copy of ID from the person you are to meet

I'd NEVER give my identification to someone on an initial date, and if I'm not willing to give it I don't think it's fair to ask for it either. No one needs to know my driver's license number, home address, unlisted telephone number, place of employment, social security number, or any of the many other things that I've seen suggested in various places.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chya
Please use safe words at the beginning of any relationship so that you can get to know your potential partner

Another panacea, imx. I feel *much* safer using clear communication rather than code words, especialy with someone who doesn't know me well enough to tell the difference between yellow (my hands are getting numb) and yellow (if you keep pushing that way I'm going to be done) and yellow (ouch ouch ouch that HURT!!!!). Shortcuts like safewords are more effective once someone know you, imnxho. At the beginning of a relationship they can get in the way of good communication. There was a good thread on this topic here not too long ago.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chya
Always try to make it safe, sane and consentual

Ugh, don't even get me started on SSC. I do not, nor will I ever describe myself as a SSC player, and I tend to run rapidly in the other direction when anyone throws out that mostly meaningless mantra. What I do is often not "safe", many would consider it far from "sane", and even "consent" can be questionable in some cases (con/non-con scenes, for example). Hell, even the originator of the phrase is appalled at how it's thrown around these days. His article to about that is very interesting reading. I can provide a url if anyone is interested in it.

I think, if you want to be reasonably safe, you do just what you would in vanilla dating situation - listen to your instincts and do active on-going risk assessment.

-- Sherri

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to chya)

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RE: Safety for Old and New - 2/14/2004 10:33:52 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I feel the same way about a safe call now that I think more about it. Maybe a better way is have someone come with you on the first meeting. That way you won't die alone. Lol. Kidding.
And maybe do public non D/s activities until you are 100 % certain of the other person. That takes time, which many don't have the patience for.
But it really boils down to practicing common sense. We all should do that.

(in reply to SherriA)

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Post #: 3

RE: Safety for Old and New - 10/7/2006 7:50:47 AM

pinkee

Posts: 487
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SherriA

NOTE: you in this post refers to the generic "you" out there, not to chya specifically.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chya
have safe calls to someone that knows of your lifestyle at least every 30 minutes and set a time that you may leave the meeting to call so that your SAFE CALL will know that you are ok.

I know this is an unpopular position, but I've yet to get a satisfactory answer to my questions, so I'll ask them again here. What do you expect your safecall to do, exactly? Is s/he supposed to call the police? Will the police do anything? Are you sure and have you talked to local police to find out what their policy is on this issue? Many will do NOTHING if an adult is out on a "date" and doesn't call in at the appointed time. They'll insist you wait 24 hrs and file a missing person's report.

So, if calling the police isn't going to be effective, then do you expect the person who agrees to be your safecall to come and find you if you don't call at the appointed time? Does s/he understand the risks you're asking him/her to take? What do you expect him/her to do when s/he gets there? Physically confront your "date"? Take a battering ram to the door and come in on a white horse to rescue you? I'm being extreme, of course, but stop and think about it. Just what do you REALISTICALLY expect from your safecall? Is it really going to keep you safe? Or is just going to give you a false sense of security so that perhaps your internal radar isn't on full force? IMX, a safecall does little to protect anyone, other than perhaps making you *feel* safer when in actuality you're not.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chya
make sure you have a correct copy of ID from the person you are to meet

I'd NEVER give my identification to someone on an initial date, and if I'm not willing to give it I don't think it's fair to ask for it either. No one needs to know my driver's license number, home address, unlisted telephone number, place of employment, social security number, or any of the many other things that I've seen suggested in various places.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chya
Please use safe words at the beginning of any relationship so that you can get to know your potential partner

Another panacea, imx. I feel *much* safer using clear communication rather than code words, especialy with someone who doesn't know me well enough to tell the difference between yellow (my hands are getting numb) and yellow (if you keep pushing that way I'm going to be done) and yellow (ouch ouch ouch that HURT!!!!). Shortcuts like safewords are more effective once someone know you, imnxho. At the beginning of a relationship they can get in the way of good communication. There was a good thread on this topic here not too long ago.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chya
Always try to make it safe, sane and consentual

Ugh, don't even get me started on SSC. I do not, nor will I ever describe myself as a SSC player, and I tend to run rapidly in the other direction when anyone throws out that mostly meaningless mantra. What I do is often not "safe", many would consider it far from "sane", and even "consent" can be questionable in some cases (con/non-con scenes, for example). Hell, even the originator of the phrase is appalled at how it's thrown around these days. His article to about that is very interesting reading. I can provide a url if anyone is interested in it.

I think, if you want to be reasonably safe, you do just what you would in vanilla dating situation - listen to your instincts and do active on-going risk assessment.

-- Sherri

The local police will make a "well person check" if requested. They will go the address of the person-under-concern and bang like hell on the door, announcing that they are the police, until someone answers. They will then refuse to leave until they have seen the person-under-concern and feel confident that they are not in need of emergency medical attention, etc.

i am unsure what the police would do if asked to make a well person check and the door was never opened. i suppose each instance would be handled differently. However, i can imagine that if the person expressing concern also gave the police details sufficient to raise the possibility of imminent harm, they might obtain a search warrant with a no-knock provision and break down the door.

When i set up a safe call, or series of calls, i make sure my protector understands whom to call, what the number is, and what to say when the police are reached, in the event i do not answer. i have acted as the protector in the past, as well, and have obtained all the necessary information in advance every time. i consider it an honor and a duty to be a safe call for S/someone.

pinkee

(in reply to SherriA)

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Post #: 4