Health Issues in a Ds relationship

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Halsgirl -> Health Issues in a Ds relationship (10/31/2007 8:07:39 PM)
Hi All, Ive never posted before but have read a few threads of friends I know who post on here. Im having a bit of difficulty and thought perhaps this would be a good arena to seek help. I am married to my Dominant, have been for a very long time (more than 30 years now). We have been in the lifestyle together for about 5 years. The "switch" from vanilla to Ds brings baggage of its own, but now something complicates it even further for me. He has recently had some very serious health problems. He was hospitalized for a month, has had two procedures done on his brain and is still recoving from a stroke. Hes made wonderful progress and Im very proud of him and very, very grateful. My problem is, I had to be completely Dominant during these difficult times. I had to deal with family, doctors and nurses, hospitals, insurance, rehab therapists and . . . the list goes on and on. I had to be strong FOR him, had to push him sometimes. It was easier NOT to do physical therapy, tho certainly detrimental to his recovery. I had to not allow him to give up and just accept that he is 'handicapped' as they all seem to want to label him. Hes home now, back at work and making slow but steady progress. My difficulty is Im finding it so very difficult to go back into my submissive role. Not that I want, in ANY way to be Dominant to him or have him be submissive to me. Just getting back into the rituals and routines that were our life together. And while our relationship - both Ds and marriage is certainly not based on sex, there has been a definite crimp put on it. The bottom line is - Im afraid he will have another stroke. I think my head knows he wont, but my heart gets paralyzed with fear. So thats very difficult for me. Theres also this part that says - if I dont make him do things for himself, he wont continue to improve. While at the same time my heart says "Hes my Sir, of course I have to do these things for him." So I guess I seek others who have experienced something similar and advice. We belong to a couples group and I believe this was the topic one night . . . unfortunately it was while he was in the hospital and we couldnt be there. Thank you.

KatyLied -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (10/31/2007 8:11:39 PM)
I'm sorry for what you are going through. Can you look at your situation differently? In helping him to heal you are serving him. In an important and intimate way. I would not look at it as being "dominant" I would look at it as doing everything I can to help my partner recover. Isn't that the most important thing? There are many ways to serve.

softpjOS -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (10/31/2007 10:56:54 PM)
I haven't had to deal with Mistress becoming ill or incapacitated (not for any length of time) but I have found myself having to step up and take over many many aspects of Her life due to various circumstances. And yes, push Her here and there to not give up, to follow doctors orders although not to the degree you have..... However, at no time did I consider it topping from the bottom much less Dominanting Her in any way. I saw it as pure service out of my love for Her and helping Her return to 100%. During His recovery have you not been there at his side, helping him, waiting on him, serving him all along? Maybe not in the old familiar ways but you have been serving him. And that is what you need to focus on. Being submissive doesn't mean you can't step up when your Dominant falls short..is ill...., that just shows your loyality (in my opinion). You aren't just there as long as He can do for you. As far as your concerns about Him having another stroke, yes, that is entirely possible just as any other illness striking. Just be watchful for any signs and take it easy on the play/sex .... build up to the rough stuff slowly. Instead of trying to get him to move around more by telling him to get his own beverage or what ever.... offer to take long walks with him... exercise together... And don't forget to take some time here and there for yourself. It's hard being the caregiver and too easy to forget yourself in the process. Hugs and remember..this too shall pass

adoracat -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (10/31/2007 11:16:03 PM)
i lost my dominant, james, dec 18, 2004. i'd had to draw myself up to my full 5'2" and stare down doctors and make sure his needs were met in the best ways when he had some diabetic complications, then congestive heart failure. then go home and cry. and go back the next day and begin again. and i was still his sub till some ugliness happened and i uncollared....but i was still his in my heart, and still continued to serve and love and care for him, till he had a sudden heart attack at home. i lost my fallcon a year ago this coming christmas day. cancer has no conscience. and again, i drew myself up to my full height and chewed out a doctor for not having the courtesy to actually keep his appointments with us. i had to do much more than i wanted to.....and spent plenty of time crying about it. but i did those things because although they might have been "dominant" actions, they were done to make his life easier and better, and were the things i COULD do to ease his days, and make sure he was comfortable and good. kitten, missing them both

MaamJay -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 2:02:37 AM)
I am sorry for the tough times you have faced and those which still lie ahead. I am like the others in that I would suggest you look at the times you have stood up for Him when He could not stand up for Himself, as service to Him. Just as helping Him to heal now by encouraging Him and goading Him when He needs that, is serving Him by promoting His fuller recovery. It's how you see it in your head that matters ... perhaps best discussed with Him so that He may view it likewise. Perhaps you can negotiate some actions which are returns to the "old" system of rituals and routines while not neglecting that which needs His action to work in the new. With regard to the fear that He will have another stroke, well, I can understand that. Have you both talked at length to your Dr about that? Without knowing the details of His illness, none of Us can say whether your fear is founded or not, but your Dr should be able to clarify that for you. Please don't be embarrassed to mention it, Drs have heard just about everything and would probably be happy that you and He are trying to return to a normal life. Hopefully with that advice and a graduated return to activity you can both overcome this fear. I wish you both all the best Maam Jay aka violet[A]

Rover -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 5:30:12 AM)
I'll repeat the earlier statements that you're serving him in the most important capacity possible. And that he's relying upon you to be strong, resolute, and persistent. And while it may "feel" as though you're being Dominant, you are most certainly the mechanism by which he is being (well) served. Take pride in that. Service is not always easy, nor enjoyable. But it is not often more crucial or appreciated than that which you are engaged in now. Sending my prayers for your Master's swift and complete recovery. John

BloodLuna -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 5:49:28 AM)
OP: All of my love and prayers to you and yours. I have been in bed rest for 8 weeks for a dangerous pregnancy. It definately caused some major irritability and frustration which sometimes causes me to lash out at those trying desperately just to please me. I cannot even imagine what your s/o must be going through, or how you are feeling at this moment. So far I agree with everything you've been advised. Remember that as a submissive your primary responsibility is to please your dominant. So every aspect of care you give reinforces that you are indeed his loving submissive. As far as your fear that he will have another stroke - I totally understand. My Dom suffers seizures that happen with no or little warning, and I suffer temporal lobe seizures as well. I am always worried that he will have a seizure while I am in bondage, or that I will have one while I have a submissive in bondage. We solved that problem by using handcuffs that have the safety release catches. Something that may help you and yours is to apply for one of those life services (like that corney commercial with the "i've fallen and cant get up lady) It's a service that has a remote with a button that you can press and it calls an ambulance service. When in bondage, use a tie that allows you to hold the remote so that if he has a stroke you can press the button and help will come. (keep your front door unlocked when you play so help can get to you) TRUST ME, I've used this service for years and these guys in the ambulances are used to some very strange stuff. Coming in to help you and finding you tied up won't phaze them. adoracat: my blessings to you. I lost a submissive years ago to a sudden car accident. With strength and fond memories we live on for them. If either of you ever need a friend to talk to, feel free to message me anytime! Lady Luna

Sabella -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 6:12:41 AM)
<---agrees with what everyone else has already said You stepping up and protecting him while he's in a weakened state (yes even to nag about physical therapy) is part of the job. There's nothing dominate or stealing-his-power about it IMHO. You're feeling overwhelmed by the stress of dealing with so many new things and having to do so in a dominate manner to get things done. Imagine the good service you ARE doing by taking as much of that burden off his shoulders so he doesn't have that stress on top of healing. But if you need something, tell him. I'd bet more than anything you want a lap to drop your head in while you cry it out. HUG Don't forget to take care of YOU either during this phase.

Celeste43 -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 6:33:58 AM)
http://stroke.about.com/od/forcaregivers/p/mentalchanges.htm Unfortunately, I would suggest waiting before you decide to submit again. Strokes frequently cause mental changes in patients, and you may decide he isn't someone who can safely have total control over a checkbook or anything else. I wish both of you good luck, and I suggest you talk to a grief counselor to help deal with your feelings.

breatheasone -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 6:45:30 AM)
Halsgirl, my prayers are with you and yours during this difficult time....follow your gut...you seem like a smart woman...common sense and good decision making never go out of style.

thetammyjo -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 6:51:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied I'm sorry for what you are going through. Can you look at your situation differently? In helping him to heal you are serving him. In an important and intimate way. I would not look at it as being "dominant" I would look at it as doing everything I can to help my partner recover. Isn't that the most important thing? There are many ways to serve. These were my thoughts exactly. When I've been ill (for example with this cough that won't end for over a month now) Fox has needed to do a few more things but neither of us has thought of him being dominant, only being a good slave who is trying to make my life better. Of course I'm not so sick as to not be the boss too such as giving him the order last night to not open the door to trick or treaters until I was home and said it was time to stop. He tells me several kids stopped by but he just ignored them and stayed in his room. (speaking of which we had 137 trick or treaters last night and we started half an hour late!)

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 7:01:32 AM)
Try to look at it as your caring for him is serving him. Doing what you have to do to take care of someone you love doesn't necessarily make it a dominant role. You are serving him by taking care of him. Helping him recover is also helping him become more independent as his condition allows. Master was ill last year and I could spend my time worrying what else could happen but I focus on his health now and the time we do have together. Living with "what ifs" is negative and focusing on the positive will get you both through this.

Missokyst -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 9:28:37 AM)
Strokes are hard to deal with no matter what sort of relationship you may have. May he recover soon and completely. And may you gather the strength to deal with your new situation. Now on topic.. This is why I dislike roles. You are in a ds relationship, yes. But it is a relationship, regardless of the dominant or submissive roles you may play. Unlike a lot of people who began using ds as the erotic edge, you started with a normal dynamic between you. A relationship is beyond a role. You lived, grew, and bonded as a couple long before you took on the role of submissive. You are his wife, his partner, his shoulder to lean on in hard times, and for now, an instigator in his recovery. Yes, you can think of this prodding as your service to his health, but why? You have a partner you committed to long ago who needs your support in what ever way is best for him. A nilla woman would have the same problems you are having. A nilla woman would teeter between waiting on her long time mate, and knowing he has to do things for himself to get better. There are no roles beyond that committment between loving partners. Dominant or submissive can and often does take a back seat to life. It is a role that can be put aside for a time, while the relationship deals with its new dynamic that life has forced upon it. Kyst

agirl -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 10:35:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Celeste43 http://stroke.about.com/od/forcaregivers/p/mentalchanges.htm Unfortunately, I would suggest waiting before you decide to submit again. Strokes frequently cause mental changes in patients, and you may decide he isn't someone who can safely have total control over a checkbook or anything else. I wish both of you good luck, and I suggest you talk to a grief counselor to help deal with your feelings. As Celeste says, stroke can change thought processes in a way that can be terribly difficult to understand, because they are patchy. Whichever way you look at it, brain damage has occurred and it IS a handicap in the context of how the person operated before.( Great link, by the way, Celeste, I found it very helpful) There really is a life before stroke and * life after stroke* both for the person who suffered the stroke and those involved with their care. I can't relate this to D/s because my experience is with my daughter( 23yrs) but I can relate very closely to the feelings of responsibility and the stress of dealing with doctors, consultant cardiologists and neurologists, psychologists, mental health teams, physiotherapists, occupational therapists, social workers, speech therapists etc. The list seems endless and so does the round of appointments. I've become a dominant to my daughter in a similar way that you have, as I'm pushing her but also, I'm her servant, in that I'm doing so much FOR her. The fact is, she's not independant in the way she was before stroke, so she's now back on my hands so to speak. Progress is slow, as you've said and I've been advised to view it in terms of years, not months. I can't imagine how this would play out in a situation in which it affected someone I relied on(partner),I can only imagine that I'd feel pretty bereft. I really wish you the best. Regards, agirl

HottLicks -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 1:31:42 PM)
Halsgirl, In a situation like you are in, one feels more control by taking action and being proactive. You are still trying to control an outcome that can't be controlled, but is easier to deal with by doing anything you feel you can control. If that makes sense the way I said it. It really doesn't have as big an effect or come from a place of the D/s elements as much as it has to do with a medical crisis and what happens afterwords. You want to protect you both and will try to control things so that you can protect both of you. That is completly understandable! Time is the only thing besides knowledge that will ease this. It is scary to think it could happen again so you are afriad to do anything that might make it happen again. Time will help you relax a bit. At first it is overwhelming and all you can think about. As things proceed and if they don't happen again, you can and will relax. I have had to deal with strokes and the facts of death... accepting it... learning to live with a death sentence so to speak. I cannot do much besides take care of myself and my worry won't do anything but cause limitations and stress that would make things worse. At first death was around every corner. Then when death didn't happen I was able to relax and realize that all I was doing to care for myself was lengthening my life, as well as my knowledge of the medical things and making sure some doctor didn't mess up. Time will help you. Until then, just live. Be informed... do what you can to make things better and try not to be afraid to live because in living life we actually promote better health. I had to come to a place where I asked myself... If I didn't wake up tomorrow... would I be satisfied with yesterday being my last day. When my answer was no most days... I started having the freedom to just live and not be afraid of actually taking part in life even if I thought it was risky. It was better to have lived the day, rather than not lived it afraid it might harm me. Some say it is better to die doing something you love than to die not having done it. So while you are scared right now... I encourage you to live and enjoy and then if anything does happen, you will know you lived what time there was... well and with love. I wish you both well in this! Everyone else that shared your stories... I wish you well too! Life isn't always easy, but we make the best of it and I see a lot of hope on this thread. It is beautiful!

Halsgirl -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 8:02:17 PM)
I would like to thank everyone who has responded. Your words of encouragement do give me hope. Today was his 54th birthday and we spent the evening at dinner with our children and grandbaby and it felt like the old days in many ways. I will remind myself what so many of you have said, that my being strong for him is another way to serve him. I know in my heart that one day he will simply be back and I will gladly relinquish my power to him, once again. We have done so more times than can be counted in a 35 year relationship. We raised our children together, have faced various difficulties, lost family members. It hasnt always been good and sometimes has been down right hard. But I believe we have both always known, we can weather whatever this world throws at us, and when the winds have died down, he and I will still stand, strong together. Thank you again for everyone who responded, for those who shared their stories also. I will truly take what you have said to heart and already, I feel a little better. Be safe and well all. Good night.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 10:23:47 PM)
First, let me say that you should be proud of yourself as well as him for coming through and enduring these things as well as you have. It's not easy! Second, quote: ORIGINAL: Halsgirl My problem is, I had to be completely Dominant during these difficult times. I had to deal with family, doctors and nurses, hospitals, insurance, rehab therapists and . . . the list goes on and on. I had to be strong FOR him, had to push him sometimes. It was easier NOT to do physical therapy, tho certainly detrimental to his recovery. I had to not allow him to give up and just accept that he is 'handicapped' as they all seem to want to label him. Why is all this being Dominant? Why is this not just proper service? It's all about perspective. Master Fire

stella41b -> RE: Health Issues in a Ds relationship (11/1/2007 11:24:52 PM)
My prayers go out to you. I echo what everyone else is writing here - it doesn't matter whether you are providing or serving, you are still giving, and it's the giving which is important, not how you define it.

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