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Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/6/2007 11:43:22 AM   
passion4subbing


Posts: 4
Joined: 11/5/2007
Status: offline 		My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about a year, and over the course of that year we both have started to really dabble with BDSM. I have always wanted to submit to a Dominant man... it's something I've fantasized about since hitting puberty. However, I don't feel submissive when I'm with my boyfriend. Everytime I submit, it feels like I'm an actress in a play. Have other submissives ever felt this way? All I want to do is be a good submissive... but it just doesn't come naturally when I'm with him. I'm not sure if it's because I see him as my boyfriend and as someone I'm in love with rather as some Dominant who is going to have his way with me. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/6/2007 11:45:49 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		this can go both ways, I will point out to you that the first times you drover a car it didn't feel natural, nor the first few times you rode a bike....and then one can say look, if I act confident, sooner or later I will appear confident and be confident....

so, throw that up in there as you stir it around.

Ron 

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to passion4subbing)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/6/2007 11:48:28 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		The simple fact that person A is submissive and person B is dominant does not mean that person A is going to feel submissive to person B, or even that person B is going to feel dominant towards person A.

It is possible that you don't click with him in a d/s fashion, it is possible that submission isn't actually your thing (no shame in that), and it is entirely possible that you haven't hit your stride yet. There are lots of different ways to have a d/s relationship, so it could be just a matter of finding the right one. It could also be that you have a romantic connection with him. The BDSM community seems to be fairly split where it comes to love, with some of us insisting on having it in our relationships and some of us refusing to deal with it. It might be unsuitable for you.

Hope this was in some way helpful,
Aqua

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to passion4subbing)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/6/2007 1:02:32 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

The simple fact that person A is submissive and person B is dominant does not mean that person A is going to feel submissive to person B, or even that person B is going to feel dominant towards person A.

It is possible that you don't click with him in a d/s fashion, it is possible that submission isn't actually your thing (no shame in that), and it is entirely possible that you haven't hit your stride yet. There are lots of different ways to have a d/s relationship, so it could be just a matter of finding the right one. It could also be that you have a romantic connection with him. The BDSM community seems to be fairly split where it comes to love, with some of us insisting on having it in our relationships and some of us refusing to deal with it. It might be unsuitable for you.

Hope this was in some way helpful,
Aqua


I thought this was exceptionally written.

I do not like the word natural when it is mentioned in this life. Part of entering into these type of relationships whether for new people or even two experienced ones is the path where trust is established so each can feel free to remove the mask that might cause a person to feel they are acting for themselves or the other and to truly let go. As AquaticSub wrote these reasons or maybe with more time he will cast off his issues and come off dominant to you who knows but only time and communication is a guarantee to know what is what.

My next step would to ask him how he feels about it and when he is engaging in it and if he seems to want to continue to pursue it, see what you can do to help him be more dominant or react more natural to help the situation along. Maybe/hopefully he is still nervous about letting go and your reaction and just needs to have more trust in this part of the relationship.

I wish you the best on your path.

Lin




_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/6/2007 1:55:27 PM   
daddyncherry


Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		i went through that with my ex. We began vanilla and i had always had these longings....to submit, to be taken...for some roughness....to be someone's property.

He was someone i could trust when it came to doing nasty things to me and with me, but, the very things that made him so safe were things that ultimately made it hard for me to submit to him and not feel contrived about it.

i always felt as if i was acting...i would hit subspace when we played (which was rare)...and afterwards i was actually being subbie for a few days...then it would pass...i would act out to get more punishment or whatever...trying to get to the sweet girl i was after play.

As you can see, that would be a vicious cycle....

This is why i knew if i was ever with someone else he HAD to be an experienced, lifestyle Dom/Master. i knew i had to go into the relationship looking at him in that light, or we would never have what i was looking for.


_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/6/2007 2:16:15 PM   
slavemaia


Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: passion4subbing

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about a year, and over the course of that year we both have started to really dabble with BDSM. I have always wanted to submit to a Dominant man... it's something I've fantasized about since hitting puberty. However, I don't feel submissive when I'm with my boyfriend. Everytime I submit, it feels like I'm an actress in a play. Have other submissives ever felt this way? All I want to do is be a good submissive... but it just doesn't come naturally when I'm with him. I'm not sure if it's because I see him as my boyfriend and as someone I'm in love with rather as some Dominant who is going to have his way with me. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated!



Okay, since i just got jabbed over in the general board because i didn't make this clear, let me say this is only my opinon. i'm not putting it on anyone else and am certainly not attempting to define anything.  i started out with a vanilla guy. my only experience had been at dugeon parties and parttime Doms. i always sensed there was something missing for me in just scening. i wanted to really surrender, not just when we scened. i wanted to be owned. But i didn't understand all this back then, all i felt was there was something missing.
 
Now i live with my Master and all i can say is there are times when i FEEL submissive and there are times i don't FEEL submissive. But it's an agreement, a dynamic, so like any other agreement, i'm required to honor the terms regardless of how i feel. When i don't i have to accept the consequences.  i don't think anyone is going to make another FEEL a particular way all the time. A good part of my slavery is internal, how i perceive myself in relation to my Master vs. how i see myself in relation to the rest of the world. Letting go and opening myself to Him is the challenge for me - this means letting go of the fantasy of slave, the fantasy of Master etc. It means who is He and what does He want, feel, think, require etc.
 
Fantasy vs. reality trips alot of people up. That's probably why there are more part timers and players than there are living together, full time couples. In a fantasy the fantasizer creates everything as they wish it to be. In reality there are 2 people involved, not just one and that means 2 people's desires. You say you wish to be a good submissive. Well may i suggest you ask your Dominant how he would define that and then begin there. You may be feeling like you're acting because you don't feel like you thought you would feel in your fantasy or because something else isn't fitting the pictures in your head. Hope this is helpful.

_____________________________


She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to passion4subbing)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/6/2007 4:13:54 PM   
MidnightMaiden


Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline 		If at any point in the relationship or scene I feel like I could switch, and become the dominant, then for me I am acting at being submissive.  That's just ME (I say that in respect to those who are switches and can be both dominant and submissive and can fully commit themselves to either role)... I can't, so I know if I am feeling dominant urges and I could act upon them and switch roles, then I am playing at being a sub.

You know, even in a well defined D/s relationship, acting can still occur.  Master and I talked a little last night about objectification.  How would I feel if he wanted to use me as a coffee table, or have me over the kitchen bench while he cooked and use me as a spoon rack.  Meh, knock your socks off.  Any reaction other than that would be "conjured".  I would do it with a smile, and have fun, but he wouldn't get a genuine "struggle" out of me.

(in reply to slavemaia)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/6/2007 6:47:10 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		The only thing that I can add here is that usually the submissive party accepts her desires more easily than does a new dominant. It takes a long time for a man to override societal conditioning; don't hit girls, take turns, share etc. So he may well still be grappling with guilt from doing things to you that his conscience tells him are bad things. If so, you not only need to give him time, but you also must give him lots of positive feedback.

However if he really doesn't enjoy being in a position of control, no matter how much he likes the kinky sex, he isn't suddenly going to become someone you will feel submissive to.

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/7/2007 12:43:24 AM   
CollegeConundrum


Posts: 322
Joined: 5/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: passion4subbing
Should submitting ever feel like acting?


Is this a serious question? 

(in reply to passion4subbing)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/7/2007 7:35:40 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

The simple fact that person A is submissive and person B is dominant does not mean that person A is going to feel submissive to person B, or even that person B is going to feel dominant towards person A.
This is it, pecisely.

I have a very dominant personality. After awhile, I figured out that it took someone stronger than I am to bring out the submissive in me. Not simply someone that called themselves a Dominant. It also meant that I had to spend time getting to know someone in a vanilla setting before I could even consider playing with or submitting to that person.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/7/2007 7:50:35 AM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		Well, with words like role, scene and play being tossed around
like confetti it certainly makes one wonder.

Fact of the matter is, sometimes its there, sometimes it's not.
Some Dominants who can't get inside my head simply make
me arch an eyebrow and say, "And the Award for best
performance in a Comedy or Drama goes to...".

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to passion4subbing)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/7/2007 8:06:43 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Da Da Da Hollywood!!!  Da Da Da Hollywood!!!!!

Danny Kaye Dom

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to chiaThePet)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/7/2007 8:20:01 AM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		"I'd like to thank all the little people"

(this is not an affront to those with small penises)

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/7/2007 9:27:20 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

The simple fact that person A is submissive and person B is dominant does not mean that person A is going to feel submissive to person B, or even that person B is going to feel dominant towards person A.

It is possible that you don't click with him in a d/s fashion, it is possible that submission isn't actually your thing (no shame in that), and it is entirely possible that you haven't hit your stride yet. There are lots of different ways to have a d/s relationship, so it could be just a matter of finding the right one. It could also be that you have a romantic connection with him. The BDSM community seems to be fairly split where it comes to love, with some of us insisting on having it in our relationships and some of us refusing to deal with it. It might be unsuitable for you.

Hope this was in some way helpful,
Aqua

This is the best advice you will get I do believe. As it is true just because someone is submissive does not mean they will fall at the feet of every Dominant. The chemistry has to be there or it is just acting.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/7/2007 8:04:04 PM   
southernhart


Posts: 120
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline 		i am naturally submissive, but only to my Master. Not to anyoe else. It has always been in my heart and soul. It flows naturally with him.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/8/2007 4:29:26 AM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		Acting is fun and I can do it rather well, however, when I submit there is just this feeling---I can not even describe it but---all control goes totally out the window and I could not act even if I tried--if I am with a Dom and I do not get this feeling--I already know that we are not 'clicking' the D/s chemistry simply is not there and I move on.

(in reply to passion4subbing)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/8/2007 4:58:40 AM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		Wonderful topic!
I will be back to check on this thread tonight!

IMHO---I would say, NO, it should be natural.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to passion4subbing)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/8/2007 5:14:35 AM   
kittensmailbox


Posts: 744
Joined: 1/7/2005
From: Youngstown, Ohio
Status: offline 		Yes, I found myself acting the part at times… truly, I had no choice…  There were times when my former Master did things to me or had me do that I found repulsive or rather boring… It is not about my pleasure but it was always about his, so I had to fake my way through certain things to make him happy or for the mere fact to make the task end quicker…
 
Just because a person is submissive doesn’t make them any less human… I truly believe that everyone in life has had to act at one time or another in order to get something done

_____________________________

~softly smiles

~lowers her eyes in respect~

~kitten

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Should submitting ever feel like acting? - 11/8/2007 9:09:43 AM   
Michaelsangel


Posts: 49
Joined: 10/15/2007
From: Portland Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

The simple fact that person A is submissive and person B is dominant does not mean that person A is going to feel submissive to person B, or even that person B is going to feel dominant towards person A.

It is possible that you don't click with him in a d/s fashion, it is possible that submission isn't actually your thing (no shame in that), and it is entirely possible that you haven't hit your stride yet. There are lots of different ways to have a d/s relationship, so it could be just a matter of finding the right one. It could also be that you have a romantic connection with him. The BDSM community seems to be fairly split where it comes to love, with some of us insisting on having it in our relationships and some of us refusing to deal with it. It might be unsuitable for you.

Hope this was in some way helpful,
Aqua

This is the best advice you will get I do believe. As it is true just because someone is submissive does not mean they will fall at the feet of every Dominant. The chemistry has to be there or it is just acting.

~Lashra



What they said.....
Michaelsangel

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 19
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