Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues

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Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/6/2005 7:35:37 AM

gentlesurrender

Posts: 99
Joined: 6/21/2005
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I have talked to Dominants and sometimes the communication just fades into nothingness, some i have met and things are just not quite right. I attend munches, been to ds clubs and i have always remained within control of myself and my feelings. I have had two mentors since i split from my husband, one was about control the other a little more, but it was always superficial in terms of commitment, they both had slaves of their own so my emotions were never challenged in that sense.

But i was talking to a Dominant, we got on well chatting, we talked on the phone. Oh he has one of those voices that just make you tingle all over and such a wicked chuckle. We met on Saturday, wow, instant chemistry, all those ideals of keeping my emotions in check flew out the window. I know it was mutual, we had a lovely evening together, no play i hasten to add, he drove me home. He is concerned as we are a few hours apart in distance, not far really, but far enough when you cant see someone easily.

During the week he said he wants to take a laid back approach to us and get to know each other more. I know he is right, and i know he is keeping control over what we do and how we do it. But its kind of scary to let go and just follow his lead.

I dont want to go overboard and appear too keen and eager, which inside i am, but at the same time i dont want to appear so laid back im not interested anymore. Trying to find the balance between the two.

At the same time do i risk putting myself back on the line again, to invest time and effort in leaving myself exposed and vulnerable to him in case it doesnt work out and in the end he doesnt want to make a commitment. I know it could be good, is the risk worth taking, yes it is.

So sorry to my question, how have others dealt with the balance of patience and trust that he knows what hes doing. The letting go and keeping your emotions in check to move at his pace??? What is it they say, no pain, no gain.

_____________________________

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" Walter Anderson

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/6/2005 7:45:16 AM

masie

Posts: 27
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

hi

firstly good luck hope all works well for you

i was a complete novice to the lifestyle when i met my Master, so for me the key was communication, talk express any concerns you may have, take it slowly, yes easier said than done this i realise. I was a sub for the first 2 years, the latter 5 to present His slave 24/7 trust takes time to develop on both sides and i coped with it by keeping a journal i found this helped to put into words any concerns or worries i may have and it helps Master understand how im feeling, so He can give any support that is necessary

good luck, enjoy

masie

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/6/2005 8:14:22 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

it seam to me you have the same problem so many have at the beginnings of a realtionship. It seam it is hard for many to know how fast to go. But if he is right for you, i am sure things will work out. Good Luck.

(in reply to masie)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/6/2005 12:09:29 PM

Posts: 388
Joined: 6/22/2005
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You are certainly not alone.

Many of us have experienced that period of 'What do I do now??" One of my biggest hurdles when it comes to relationships is trying to overthink a situation, and it usually turns out badly. In trying to think both sides of the equation, you can psych yourself into drawing conclusions about him that may not be true. Or you may have this need to have the 'right' response/answer for every situation he could present. Then the spontaneity is gone and what fun is that?

Since there is definite chemistry there, I'll assume communication is important to both of you. Instead of having the weight of What To Do on your shoulders, share with him your concerns. Let him know up front the struggle you have with wanting to follow his lead. If he is who you hope he is, then he'll let you know what he needs from you. I know it's hard when you've had prior relationships that were less than ideal. Just don't OVER think it. Try to relax and enjoy it for what it is.

Good luck :)

< Message edited by luvdragonx -- 8/6/2005 12:11:23 PM >

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Never Without Love

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/6/2005 12:15:00 PM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

Yes indeed, enyoy this period of getting to know him, treat yourself to a good, nice luxury bath, spend some money on your looks, try to enyoy this time and do not worry.

(in reply to luvdragonx)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/6/2005 2:12:23 PM

gentlesurrender

Posts: 99
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

thank you

that makes a lot of sense in terms of trying to over think whats right, what does he expect. I was guilty of drawing to wrong conclusions when he first said about taking a laid back approach to 'us', coz i asked if that was his way of asking for an out, got rebuked for that one. So i know he is controlling things, i just have to be patient.

on the site we are on, we have journals, weblogs and i wrote one earlier today, generalised but yes he picked up on it and understood.

thanks nella, long hot soak does do wonders at times

_____________________________

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" Walter Anderson

(in reply to luvdragonx)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/6/2005 2:53:38 PM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

Try using some lavender and neroli in the bath wather, it is both relaxing, and extermly luxerious at the same time.

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/6/2005 4:05:39 PM

mossy

Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
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For me the beginning of any new D/s relationship is an insecure time. When a Dominant sees/feels that it can become very uncomfortable, and makes me look less together then i really am. i have been played so much by so many, and that is hard for him to understand. The Dominant to him it probably just comes off clingy. Not knowing where i stand,,,and in the begining thats usually where i am,,,,is a hard place for me to be. Then if i start to doubt him because of trust issues from others ,,,oh my,,,combine the two,,,and he is the one who really needs patience with me,,,,

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~~inner peace & mental clarity~~

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RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/6/2005 4:27:28 PM

gentlesurrender

Posts: 99
Joined: 6/21/2005
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oh mossy

yes i empathise totally there, and you get to the over thinking part, and what you want to say doesnt come out right. It is the insecurity that is daunting.

Im kind of limbo, he wants to get to know me and vice versa, but theres no commitment as yet.

_____________________________

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" Walter Anderson

(in reply to mossy)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/6/2005 5:59:12 PM

Posts: 388
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

I'm going to venture a guess and say that you need to control things. So do I, lol. One of the hardest things I've had to learn is to let go of the control thing, especially if you want to be a submissive. Not to say that need and exerting control in some areas is a bad thing. Just try to understand that you don't always have to. Try to think of how it was a long time ago, when 'forever' was a myth that only older people talked about. You could meet someone and enjoy each other endlessly because you didn't have a goal in mind. That's what I mean by overthinking. If you concentrate on where you want to be, you can miss the fun of getting there. As adults with experience, it's really hard to let go of previous disappointment and heartache. One thing that I find helps me feel comfortable enough to develop a relationship for D/s is to go totally vanilla in the beginning. We talk about anything and everything except D/s. We have fun communicating and getting to know one another. I've also found that the people who are willing to go through this process are the ones worth taking the time with. At worst, I have a friend at the end of it all. At best.....the possibilities are endless.

_____________________________

Never Without Love

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/7/2005 5:17:08 AM

gentlesurrender

Posts: 99
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

oh i agree luvdragonx

giving the control over is the hardest thing for me to do, even when i was married to a dominant in life i had control, he only dominated within a planned scene, that wasnt enough for me.

but i have been in control for 44 years, i have been the only person i could rely upon, giving that trust of me to someone else is soooo hard to do, but something i yearn for.

Our conversations have been about life in general, occasionally we talk about what Master/slave means to us both, i know we are building a solid foundation to work from, be it a new friend found, or a Master to look up too, either will be cherished and respected.

_____________________________

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" Walter Anderson

(in reply to luvdragonx)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/7/2005 1:41:09 PM

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

quote:

Im kind of limbo, he wants to get to know me and vice versa, but theres no commitment as yet.

Hello gentlesurrender....I know of the excitement and eagerness you are feeling.

But have to ask you...How can there be any kind of commitment yet, when you have recently meet and slowly getting to know each other?

Maybe he is a Dom who know's what he is doing. Maybe he knows that jumping right in, has not worked well for him in the past.

I would relax and enjoy the excitment of the newness of things and the Journey, no matter where it may end up.

Besides if you seem too eager for commitment, it just may very well backfire and instead push him away.
Also I would trust his methods, until you have reason not to or maybe decide his way is not something you like and then move on.

Good-Luck!

*Brightspot

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(in reply to gentlesurrender)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/7/2005 5:05:26 PM

Posts: 19
Joined: 2/19/2004
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gentlesurrender,

First of all, i commend you for giving some thought to this issue. i do see so many who want to rush in and force the feelings, then seem so surprised and disappointed when it doesn't work out. Getting to know one another takes patience and, as others here have stated, is a good way to build a foundation for relinquishing control if it does work out.

If you are one of those who feels better "doing" something, consider discussing a timeline with the Dom. i don't mean a calendar timeline, but rather a schedule of sorts of activities, feelings, hurdles to be overtaken as you both move on. What has to happen before the two of you are intimate together? What should be accomplished before the two of you make steps toward a more permanent commitment? (An example, do you both feel that you should be in love before a collar is presented?)

you already have the right idea - talking about both of your views on the lifestyle. In the end, having a relationship with a good foundation will blow your mind and validate that this wait is worth it.

i wish you and this Dom much luck, success, and happiness.

blueiii

(in reply to brightspot)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/8/2005 7:41:02 AM

Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gentlesurrender

So sorry to my question, how have others dealt with the balance of patience and trust that he knows what hes doing. The letting go and keeping your emotions in check to move at his pace??? What is it they say, no pain, no gain.

Life and relationships is a journey. Fail, success, fail, success. If you were guaranteed a destination, life and relationships would be boring? No?

To step into each day is a risk. To step into relationship is a risk.
Only you determine if it is worth it.
You find your own balance in life and relationships.

~~shy

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/8/2005 7:45:53 AM

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Joined: 8/1/2005
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Going slowly is absolutely the best way. You get to savor your time together more. You get to plan and dream and wonder. You have plenty of time to think and re-think. Gorging oneself like a kid on candy is fun, but the pleasure is too fleeting. You will do and are doing just fine!

(in reply to slavedesires)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/8/2005 10:41:08 AM

gentlesurrender

Posts: 99
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

thank you for all your replies

reason, logic and realism is helping me take things easy, thinking and acting with the head, not letting the heartful emotions over take and blow things.

taming the frustrations and expressing them elsewhere helps, simple notes or poems to myself, like this one

Wishing on a Star

There you sit bright and twinkling
silently, peacefully forever watching
We sit and dream of things untold
waiting to see what life has to behold.

There are times our feet are firm and steady
we can laugh, have fun, be bright and cheeky
Some things come along and stop us dead
we reflect, reassess, and walk instead.

We look and see a prowling, roaring tiger
but what’s underneath you begin to ponder
Pacing carefully you examine what you see
is this real, is this truth or just fantasy.

Oh shining star, bright above, show me
show me the right road very clearly
no room for ambiguity, or misinterpretations
no wooden horse with hiding trojans.

Give me a hint, a word, a nudge, a wink
provide a glass from which i can drink
this yearning inside is hard to bare
just a sign is all i need, i swear.

There you sit bright and twinkling
silently, peacefully forever watching
We sit and dream of things untold
waiting to see what life has to behold.

_____________________________

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" Walter Anderson

(in reply to ChereeAmoor)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/8/2005 10:48:04 AM

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A few of my quote:

There's nothing to gain in rushing, and everything to lose

Every single novice worries about patience, in two years they have either learned to be patient or do not consider themselves a submissive anymore

Everyone has to go at the lowest common level of comfort. If their level is too low for you, then it won't work, admit it and moveon.

(in reply to gentlesurrender)

RE: Out of my depth, Patience and its virtues - 8/8/2005 11:04:01 AM

gentlesurrender

Posts: 99
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

Thanks Emerald

i totally agree with your first quote, the temptation you have to squash

i have been in the lifestyle for 4 years, married a dom and found it wasnt right, now 16 months on from the split, i felt i had all the patience i needed, this Master has just rocked that boat, but it is steadying now.

i do love your third quote, never thought of things in that manner, certainly food for thought.

_____________________________

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" Walter Anderson

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

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