Why would i feel such guilt?

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Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/10/2007 10:59:01 PM

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i met my previous Master here on CM. i moved 1,000 miles to be with Him and it only lasted a short period of time. we had spoken online for over a year and He had spent a week with me in my home state...

things went sour because of His drug use, which was unknown to me at the time i moved with Him. He was a wonderful person other than this issue.

i simply want to know why after a month of being apart i still feel guilt for leaving?

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/10/2007 11:02:21 PM

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I dunno- maybe you can't let go or can't confront the things you knew you should have done but didn't do and the guilt is a distraction from that. Maybe you built up some idea of what "good subs" do and can't break free from it, so your guilt continues to haunt you. Maybe because you selfishly feel you should have/could have done something to make it all better and chose not to.

Guilt is a very complex and often useless emotion.

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/10/2007 11:26:17 PM

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Advice from someone whose picture just may be in the dictionary under the word guilt - just don't. As LA says, it is mostly a worthless emotion, and you are not responsible for him or his problems.

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/10/2007 11:44:12 PM

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Did you talk to my mother? She is the absolute queen at invoking guilt. I've learned it's not a very constructive feeling, much like shame, it's primarily debilitating. I agree with LA, I feel it alot because I learned to respond that way from my mother but also usually when something is bothering me that I'm avoiding facing. Guilt is easier. It doesn't sound like this relationship failure falls on your shoulders. I'm sorry it happened it sounds very dissapointing. Guilt isn't likely to help you move forward.

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 12:13:27 AM

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you might have some codependency issues....check out al-anon or nar-anon (if they have it in your area)....it sounds stupid, but i've seen it help some great people...and keep in mind that you don't have to accept the people who attend the meeting's morals...that was my biggest issue...is that ta lot of people in 12 step programs can't seperate morals from spiritual principles...and they are different...and they cover guilt...and so much more...

good luck
chelle

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 12:23:47 AM

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I felt guilt for leaving my abusive husband. I felt guilty because I felt responsible for him - for his emotions, mental state, physical well being, etc. I had to come to terms with the fact that I do not own his problem or his choices. His choices are what led him to where he is today. His choices are what drove me away. He had choices to make - they were HIS to make. And I had my own choices to make, based on the options I had. I can not feel guilty for self preservation. You should not, either. He owns his own troubles, you do not. He owns his own pain, you do not. He chose to withhold extremely important information from you. Perhaps he was in denial about it himself, but only he can chart his own course. You do not own it, nor are you responsible for it. You can feel badly for him. You can even feel compassion for him. But feeling guilty and taking the blame for the mess he created is detrimental to your own course.

I know it is a difficult place to be. It took me over a year to wash myself of the enormous guilt I felt for not being the person he felt I should be. But the truth is, I can only be who I am. And I'm certainly not going to feel guilty for that.

I do wish you well with this. One step at a time, here. Be compassionate with yourself, grieve the relationship, grieve the loss you feel and its ramifications, but know that you can only own your own emotions, not his.

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 12:28:51 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: trusting

i simply want to know why after a month of being apart i still feel guilt for leaving?

In the context of relationships, guilt is usually a reliable indicator that we have something wrong in our evaluation of the situation. In your case, the candidates in order of their introduction appear to be...

quote:

ORIGINAL: trusting

[1] things went sour because of His drug use...

[2] He was a wonderful person other than this issue

Just a thought.

K.

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 1:21:04 AM

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Seems to me you answered your own question - because you found him to be a wonderful person other than the filthy drugs?

It isn't always easy to do what we consider is the right thing for ourselves as individuals. Obviously drugs is a deal breaker for you as it would be for me.... A month of healing doesn't seem that long relative to the time and sacrifice you invested but it will pass. That and the average sub can usually find some way to blame themselves, anyway! lol

Focus.

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 2:59:20 AM

Yedi

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Perhaps you wonder if you overreacted to his drug use?

Or Perhaps you feel that instead of fleeing you should have helped him with his problem

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 3:03:53 AM

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In your profile you state you are a mother. The only guilt you should feel is if you had stayed in that relationship and exposed your children to it.
He is a slave to drugs. He cannot be a master. Take care of your children.

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 3:45:34 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

It isn't always easy to do what we consider is the right thing for ourselves as individuals. Obviously drugs is a deal breaker for you as it would be for me.... A month of healing doesn't seem that long relative to the time and sacrifice you invested but it will pass. That and the average sub can usually find some way to blame themselves, anyway! lol

Focus.

I agree completely with this answer from Focus. The drug abuse is always a deal breaker for me. The "master" you speak of wasn't mastering that very well at all, it would seem.

And yes, you will have a grieving period and a month usually isn't long enough to completely get over it.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and be proud of following your convictions. You were strong and was able to break away and that is a very good thing to be proud about. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 4:00:53 AM

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I don't know if this will help: if you had stayed ti would have just reinforced his thinking that things were ok...and in the long run it would have been harmful to him.
You did a remarkable job taking care of yourself and you should be proud of yourself for that.

chellekitty made an excellent suggestion; you will find that you are not alone in how you feel.

Something that helps me when I have "big feelings" is writing about them.
It helps me find perspective and can help- the healing process.

you will be in my thoughts,
aJ

(in reply to MamaDomme)

RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 5:29:44 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: trusting

i met my previous Master here on CM. i moved 1,000 miles to be with Him and it only lasted a short period of time. we had spoken online for over a year and He had spent a week with me in my home state...

things went sour because of His drug use, which was unknown to me at the time i moved with Him. He was a wonderful person other than this issue.

i simply want to know why after a month of being apart i still feel guilt for leaving?

Probably because you didn't stick around long enough for him to completely ruin your life. You did the right thing, just keep telling yourself that. The feeling will pass eventually.

Oh, and if you're feeling sorry for him.....don't. The drugs are the most important thing in his life, not any humans.

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 5:41:44 AM

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The only person that can free you from Guilt is yourself. I still feel guilt from my divorce and my ex-wife even though I did nothing to cause it. I did not lie, cheat, steal, use drugs, drink etc. It was her parents hatred for me and her weakness of character, that caused the divorce.

Don't think your the lone ranger when it comes to guilt, and if your EX has any vaules, morals or etc then he should feel guilty himself

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 8:07:38 AM

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Time is a great healer - let him go and move on.

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 9:43:38 AM

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Maybe guilt is being confused for another emotion because usually when we feel guilt we know what it is we are guilty of - can you express what it is you are guilty of? Maybe you feel remorse that things fell apart and you are labeling it guilt. Just a thought.

[edited to add}
It's better to wear the guilt label then a label you might have ascribed yourself if you had stayed with the presumption you could have helped or saved him and went through a useless year of heartache and strife. Be very proud of yourself that you rescued yourself from what only could have been heartache - he had nothing to give you if he had drugs in his life.

< Message edited by velvetears -- 11/11/2007 9:46:04 AM >

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 9:59:01 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: trusting

i met my previous Master here on CM. i moved 1,000 miles to be with Him and it only lasted a short period of time. we had spoken online for over a year and He had spent a week with me in my home state...

things went sour because of His drug use, which was unknown to me at the time i moved with Him. He was a wonderful person other than this issue.

i simply want to know why after a month of being apart i still feel guilt for leaving?

So you met a person who calls himself a "Master" but was not ...he was only a bitch to someone called drugs...
you say other then the drug use he was a wonderful person ........except he had not concept of trust , for you spoke with him for over a year then moved to be with him but he never once informed you he used drugs...

and you say you feel guilty for leaving...why ??

ask yourself just what did you leave...for all I see is someone who cannot Master himself and has proven he cannot be trusted....count yourself lucky for being smart enought to see just what he was and that you ended it when you did

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 10:23:46 AM

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quote:

i simply want to know why after a month of being apart i still feel guilt for leaving?

i ask for clarification please..

Did you leave your former Master..a month ago...??...and do you now have a new Master?..Thank you..

(in reply to Sirandlil1)

RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 10:25:57 AM

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My heart goes out to you... I have been involved with someone that had an addiction problem, and I have codependent tendencies. I felt guilt, blamed myself, for if I could change something about me, perhaps I could "fix" his issues.... you can't fix anyone but yourself.

By remaining with him you are only allowing someone that is drowning to drag you under. He needed to sink or swim on his own... enabling him to continue by not setting standards for yourself is indeed allowing a drowning person to drag you under too. Sometimes amazing things can happen if you step away and do not enable... like they get clean on their own... it does happen. It happened in my situation...

Good luck to you.

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

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RE: Why would i feel such guilt? - 11/11/2007 4:47:09 PM

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Because you felt it was your duty to 'fix' him? Because you feel like you're breaking your word/vow? There's any number of reason. The real question is: are you willing to give up your feelings of guilt in order to move on and find a healthy relationship?

Master Fire

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