Validate me

Validate me (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

missturbation -> Validate me (11/12/2007 6:36:44 AM)
Pretty sure i'm going to face some flames for this, but i honestly feel strongly enough about this to have to post it anyway. Whilst reading the 'how do you change your perception' thread i couldn't help but notice that a few posters were of the opinion that if your Dom / Domme says you are beautiful (example), then you should just accept it as the truth. Another poster (a Dom) says that his is the only opinion that counts. What about your own opinion? How about validating yourself rather than someone else validating you? Saying 'i am beautiful because Sir says so', ok yes Sir finds you beautiful. What happens though if Sir is no longer around to validate you? Shouldn't believing in oneself start with oneself? I love to hear Sir say i look good, beautiful for example, but i don't need Him to validate me as beautiful. I need to validate myself and yeah there are days when i think i look like shit and there are days i think i'm an out and out goddess. I just think relying on someone else to validate me is not healthy in the long run. It's a quick fix for a problem that is at some point going to resurface. I have to add there are also some fabulous posts about working WITH your Dom / Domme to believe in oneself such as Kyra of Mists, Breatheasone and SimplyMichaels to name but a few.

Dnomyar -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 6:39:07 AM)
But you are here asking us to validate you.

missturbation -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 6:41:17 AM)
Not at all. Exactly how am i asking you to validate me? I am of this opinion whether you validate it or not. [:D] Edited to add :- If you are referring to the title of this thread, i am not actually asking anyone to validate me or my opinion. Its just a title which i thought fit considering this thread is about validating oneself.

juliaoceania -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 6:45:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dnomyar But you are here asking us to validate you. This is true missT, you are asking for validation, most of us do ask for it in one way or another. I strongly desire my partner to appreciate me physically. I do realize that the only person that can make me feel good about me is myself though. No one can fill another person up in my opinion. At the same time, if people report that their dominant reflects their beauty back to them and in that reflection they can see it for themselves, who am I to argue with that, or deem it "unhealthy". It is what it is.

mnottertail -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 6:47:40 AM)
Hell, I thought this was a thread exchanging blowjobs for a parking validation. Never mind.

MidnightMaiden -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 6:50:58 AM)
Has anyone heard of Eric Berne and his Transactional Analysis? Warm fuzzies and cold pricklies and parent tapes? Often negative messages a parent tapes, often but not necessarily given to us by our actual parents, but played by the parental part of our personality. You can't have that piece of cheesecake you are too fat. That is a parent tape. Listening to the words of someone in our life that we respect, and playing that message over and over again is just one way to erase that parental tape and replace it with a more positive message. It's not the only way.

missturbation -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 6:51:28 AM)
To be honest if not one person agrees with me in this thread, it's all good by me. I'm not looking for anyone to validate my opinion in any way, shape or form. The only person that can validate me is me. quote: At the same time, if people report that their dominant reflects their beauty back to them and in that reflection they can see it for themselves, who am I to argue with that, or deem it "unhealthy". It is what it is. I agree. However to only believe it because your Dom / Domme says it is so is unhealthy to me. To work together on it and promote self belief is great. Just accepting because you're told too, well not so healthy to me, when it comes to matters such as self worth etc.

juliaoceania -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 6:54:34 AM)
quote: However to only believe it because your Dom / Domme says it is so is unhealthy to me. Key words "to me". I am in no position to deem what is unhealthy to others because I do not exist inside their skin. If they are happy, blissful, content, and have self esteem due to that reflection, I can't argue with how they feel, can I? I may think it would not work for me, but that is just me, and I could be wrong.

LaTigresse -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 6:56:32 AM)
Misst, I understand what you are saying. As I sit here and think about it, it all goes back to something I was thinking about yesterday. KoM had a thread about strong dominantion versus weak. That got me to thinking that in alot of ways it isn't so much dominant characteristics but personal characteristics that can apply to anyone, that cause me to see a dominant as strong or weak. Alot of the same characteristics apply to wether or not I find a submissive/slave interesting. A sense of self awareness, in all of it's facets. Acknowledging strengths and weaknesses. For me, your appearance and acknowledging that you find yourself attractive, have pride in your appearance, fits in this area. Sure, we all have days when we look in the mirror and think "OMG WTF happened to ME??" or something along those lines. Usually after a rough night, or having been sick. I like knowing that a woman has confidence in herself, her abilities and her appearance.

azropedntied -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 6:56:42 AM)
OKok your all pretty and dont have to pay for parking ,goin back to bed ..

missturbation -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 6:57:03 AM)
quote: Listening to the words of someone in our life that we respect, and playing that message over and over again is just one way to erase that parental tape and replace it with a more positive message. It's not the only way. I'm not saying we shouldn't listen to significant people in our lives when it comes to these matters. I'm not even saying we shouldn't accept what others tell us. I'm saying i dont in my opinion feel it is healthy to just accept what others say as truth because they say it.

chellekitty -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 6:57:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation To be honest if not one person agrees with me in this thread, it's all good by me. I'm not looking for anyone to validate my opinion in any way, shape or form. The only person that can validate me is me. quote: At the same time, if people report that their dominant reflects their beauty back to them and in that reflection they can see it for themselves, who am I to argue with that, or deem it "unhealthy". It is what it is. I agree. However to only believe it because your Dom / Domme says it is so is unhealthy to me. To work together on it and promote self belief is great. Just accepting because you're told too, well not so healthy to me, when it comes to matters such as self worth etc. so stay out of their relationships, and stick to yours? especially when you are not invited...

missturbation -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 6:58:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania quote: However to only believe it because your Dom / Domme says it is so is unhealthy to me. Key words "to me". I am in no position to deem what is unhealthy to others because I do not exist inside their skin. If they are happy, blissful, content, and have self esteem due to that reflection, I can't argue with how they feel, can I? I may think it would not work for me, but that is just me, and I could be wrong. I totally agree. I'm just throwing an opinion out there to discuss. [:D]

KatyLied -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 7:01:12 AM)
If you depend on a person (such as your partner) to validate you, what happens when that person is no longer in your life? Hopefully relationships last a long time, but some are fleeting, for whatever reasons. Does your self-esteem crumble when that person is no longer around to validate you? I think it's better to stand on your own and validate yourself, be strong so you always have you, don't rely on another person whispering in your ear.

missturbation -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 7:02:08 AM)
quote: A sense of self awareness, in all of it's facets. Acknowledging strengths and weaknesses. For me, your appearance and acknowledging that you find yourself attractive, have pride in your appearance, fits in this area. You say it so much better than me [:D] quote: I like knowing that a woman has confidence in herself, her abilities and her appearance. See this is my point [:D] Confidence in herself, not because she has been told to have it but because she has been helped to see her beauty etc or has found it herself.

missturbation -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 7:05:18 AM)
quote: so stay out of their relationships, and stick to yours? especially when you are not invited... Chelle, i threw an idea, an opinion out there to discuss which is all anyone does when they start a thread here. By your response i take it i have touched a raw nerve or something? If you don't agree with me, fine say so. However i have not told anyone how to run their relationship, just questioned something i personally dont see as healthy. It is only my opinion, don't let it bother you so much. Edited for crap spelling.

missturbation -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 7:06:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied If you depend on a person (such as your partner) to validate you, what happens when that person is no longer in your life? Hopefully relationships last a long time, but some are fleeting, for whatever reasons. Does your self-esteem crumble when that person is no longer around to validate you? I think it's better to stand on your own and validate yourself, be strong so you always have you, don't rely on another person whispering in your ear. Said much better than i did [:D]

juliaoceania -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 7:09:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied Does your self-esteem crumble when that person is no longer around to validate you? Short answer, yes[:D] I went through a period recently where I felt pretty crappy about me because I was accustomed to the validation of another and all of the sudden it was "gone". I learned to validate myself again.... This plays into a bigger issue if anyone else cares to discuss it... who has the more important opinion about a submissive's identity.... the dom or the sub? For example, if a dom tells a submissive to lose weight, even though her weight is in normal range and she felt good about herself before he brought it up... who has the more important opinion? Should she need him to validate her weight as long as it is healthy for her height?... How far should the need for validation go? Should we question the basics of who we are?

KatyLied -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 7:14:40 AM)
quote: How far should the need for validation go? Should we question the basics of who we are? It is difficult for me to sometimes determine where the fine line is between "this is who I am at my core" and "I wonder if I should consider this as part of submission or part of expanding the possibilities within myself." I think many subs face these struggles.

Vanatru -> RE: Validate me (11/12/2007 7:18:58 AM)
Often the beauty question obscures the real issue, and that is perspective. A person can look at themselves and totally ignore a whole side of themselves and completely overemphasize another part. You see this quite clearly in anorexics where, not matter how slight their real body fat is, to them it’s an overwhelming mountain of ugly blubber. Anorexics do not corner the market on doing this, many people harbor varying degrees of obsessive perspective, and in general, other people have little impact in affecting such an outlook. About the best someone can do is help them see there are other things about them than the negative perspective, that their fat/bad teeth/whatever doesn’t define all of who they are. But mainly it takes the person themselves to see it, to realize there is much more to them than this one aspect of their life. It also takes a change in definition, for anorexics, their definition of beauty is being thin. By changing their definition, they start changing their perspective, and vice versa. There is another type that has a beauty obsession, and those are the ones that are really asking for attention. Some also ask if they are beautiful, not because they think they are ugly, but they seek confirmation from their partner that they are desirable, sexy, and attractive. Edit: darn paste boulderdash

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875