stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
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I feel the best way I can answer this is to try and share with you my own 'process of submission'. And it is a process. I'm picky and choosy about who I serve, not because I feel I am anyone special. I am not. Just as with most submissives I'm very well versed in the theory, but the practice? Ah, despite my years of experience there's still quite a way to perfection.
A Domme is a very special person, not just because she's a Domme, but because she's a woman, a special woman, a woman who is essentially herself, an individual.
The way into such a relationship if you are a submissive, irrespective of gender, is to be aware and to be able to interpret to a reasonable degree signals, emotional, psychological signals, and to be able to respond by giving off your own signals. Profile information and lists of interests, postings and all what is written about a Domme is very necessary information to read, it is essential that a submissive do their homework and be in a position to get to know their Domme, but they must also, right from the start, be able to receive, interpret and give out signals.
Therefore for me the most essential thing I need from a Domme are her signals. I know usually within 200-300 words, whether written or spoken, whether she is able to find my mind, but more importantly, whether I am a suitable submissive for her. This isn't always the case, usually it isn't.
Then I need time, communication, honesty, openness. I cannot enter into any sort of D/s relationship with a Domme I don't know. I need to know who I am serving and why I am serving her. I need to know her requirements, her expectations, her needs, who she is looking for, what role I am to play in her life, and in what areas I am to be submissive and what areas and how much of me and my life she requires control of.
I consider all possible angles of the relationship, I perform what I call a Needs Analysis, but it's not just needs, it's requirements, expectations, likes, dislikes, and so on, I am gathering information from her, I need to know as much about her as I possibly can, her life, her past, her family, her previous relationships, her health, her current lifestyle. During this stage I eat, sleep, live and think only about this Domme, I think about the signals I have received from her in our communication, what signals I have given back, and her responses.
But this is a two way street, and I give out as much information about myself as I can, as much information as she needs, BUT... I make no mention of any of my needs, none of my likes, dislikes, preferences when it comes to the D/s relationship. What I'm seeking from the relationship isn't important, not at all. Not at this stage. The only thing which is important is that (1) I am convinced I am with the right Domme, (2) she is giving me signals to which I am responding and there is a flow back and forth of these signals and (3) she is opening up and giving me information about her life, about her needs, about everything and anything which is important to her. The more she opens up and communicates the better.. I am winning her trust, her confidence, her friendship, her support. these are the things I need. I also need her to give me time.
Then I look for one more thing.. something which is very essential to me.. This is her vulnerability. This may seem strange to some submissives out there, that submissive is so active at the start, going against the grain of the relationship. What about the matching of needs? How can I be sure that we are compatible on a D/s level? How can a Domme be vulnerable? She's supposed to be strong, assertive, in control, dominant.
No she isn't. Not all the time. Domination isn't about having control and power, it's about being able to use it. Being a Domme doesn't make her any less of a woman, or any less of a person. She never has to be bossy and demanding and assertive all the time. She never has to be anything other than herself. Up to this point she gets me, the real me, the me as myself. No submission.
She also doesn't need to know or to be told by any submissive about their needs, which is perhaps the most common mistake a male submissive can make. Any Domme worth her salt can work out a submissive's need all by herself. If she can't be sure she will ask.
That vulnerability from a Domme is the most important part of the relationship, for it says loud and clear 'Make me an offer'. This element of our relationship, where she shows her innermost vulnerability to me is the most important part of the relationship. This is what indicates to me just exactly how deep my submission needs to be, exactly how my submission is to be, and how much time I've got to produce that submission. This marks the end of my opening gambit as a submissive. That vulnerability is also a signal, I know enough, I'm ready to take control, I'm ready to work with you. I make my offer of submission, a proposal. This is the road map. The information she needs to have that control.
My submission to a Domme doesn't start until she has accepted my offer of submission, and accepted me into her consideration. This is where my submission deepens much further. Up until this stage it has been just words. Now it's time for words to be matched by their actions.
Submission can take many different forms, it can be service type submission, it can be play, it can be sexual, it can be financial, it depends on the relationship and the Domme. My needs, wishes and requirements are not important from my perspective, which is why I never really bother to fill out those lists of interests on a BDSM profile as to whether I like them or not as this to me as a submissive is irrelevant. All what is important is whether I have the necessary knowledge, experience and am able to competently function as a submissive in each of the specific service and play areas. Is it vital information whether I like ironing or not? No, it isn't. Is it vital information that watersports is enjoyable to me? No, it isn't. It's only important to me what a Domme likes, enjoys and needs. I've already covered her sevice needs in my Needs Analysis. When it comes to play I always ask a Domme to use her own BDSM checklist as a basis for our play sessions.
My thinking here is there's no point in me serving a Domme who I cannot serve to meet her highest expectations. There's a difference between Dommes and male Doms. The difference is most Dommes have a basic emotional need to dominate and this is central and a vital part of their nature. Any Domme worth her salt is a highly intelligent, emotionally complex woman, and so it's not just about fulfilling those basic emotional needs, because a Domme also needs constant and varied emotional and psychological stimulation. It's therefore important to consider as a submissive how long term the relationship is going to be and in which direction that relationship is going to go. It's very easy to serve a Domme to meet her expectations today, but what about in five years time? Ten years time? Twenty years? Are you prepared to work with her over that time and go with her wherever she leads you? Will she still be your Mistress in ten years' time? Or will she have moved on? Why do you think many Dommes look for long periods of service in submissives?
And why do you think it's so hard to find a good Domme? This is why. I would be prepared to wager that almost every experienced Domme here, no, in fact every and any experienced Domme you find here on Collarme has either been deceived, let down, cheated, fooled or conned in some way by a submissive. There is nothing more soul-destroying and heart-breaking, let alone stressful and depressing, than having to dominate a submissive who cannot read the signals, who cannot follow instructions, or who cannot even fulfill their basic needs. Yes it's hard to find a good Domme. But in many cases it's just as hard for a Domme to find a good submissive.
This is why many Dommes finally get tired of the casual play. They get fed up of being left alone when the submissive has got what they want, and they've gone home happy and fulfilled leaving a tired Domme alone to clean up after a scene, put the toys away, get the wax off the bedclothes and out of the carpet, just to go to sleep in an empty bed. It's quite easy to be a submissive, you learn to exchange signals and pretty much do as you're told. You don't have to buy the equipment, the clothing, the boots, you don't have to spend time planning and preparing a scene. Ever wonder why some Dommes turn Pro-Domme or demand tributes? Here's your answer. All they want is something in return. But not all Dommes demand tributes or become Pro-Dommes. Many log into Collarme in the hope that one day, one message that they receive from the hundreds might turn out to be that good submissive they've been waiting for. Many Dommes experience a lack of fulfillment and loneliness that few others in the BDSM community can ever hope to imagine or experience. Quite a few of these Dommes are lonely and unfulfilled because it's so damn hard to find a submissive on these sites who's prepared to show a little kindness and consideration, and this is something I personally find to be one of the saddest truths about this community.
Which brings me to my last and final reason over what can deepen my submission for a Mistress - a Domme who has tried and tried, and who has been let down, cheated, deceived, rejected and even hurt. There's quite a few Dommes like this around if you're prepared to look and make the effort. A couple of my previous Dommes have had either health or disability issues. My current Mistress, for whom I'm now working towards her collar, is no different. Only I got to complete a gender reassignment program as she's a lesbian and get myself across the Atlantic to be with her. It's a challenge, it isn't going to be easy and it might not work out, life holds no guarantees, but right now all I am focussed on is doing what I need to do to get to her, I'm even looking for domestic cleaning work, anything, just so I can get to this lady and give her something, anything, which gives her happiness.
What do I get out this? At the moment nothing. I don't need anything from her. She's got her own issues, she's caring full time for a terminally ill relative, she's on welfare. She's risking living in a wheelchair. She came to me, she needs a slave. She's got a slave. I am her slave. She's going to collar me shortly before I have my final surgery to complete my gender reassignment process. This is my dream, I had it when I was 17 and I doubted that I was male, I wanted to be a female slave. This is my dream. All I'd like is for her to be there when I get through this and to give me that life as her female slave. That's all.
< Message edited by stella41b -- 11/22/2007 8:24:22 PM >
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