Advice please: Relationships, BDSM, love and boundries

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Advice please: Relationships, BDSM, love and boundries - 8/15/2005 5:18:04 PM

livya18

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/3/2005
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Scared yet by my Subject line!? Haha

Anyway, I'm new to this website and new to being 'out' in the BDSM scene. I had done some S/M stuff with previous boyfriends but decided early last month to go to a munch and meet kinky people. My plan was to take things slowly and carefully

As is the case in life, things are never as we planned. I go to my first munch get introduced to someone, get invited to a play/fetish night at a local club with them and their friends, engage in a very intense scene with them, sleep with them the next day, continue to either see them or talk to them everyday since then, find out we have a big connection outside of BDSM as well, fall in love with each other and for the past 6 weeks I have been on an amazing ride.

This relationship feels good and right, I've learned so much (BDSM and non BDSM) things about myself that no matter what happens I know it was worth it.

However there's a big... BUT (isn't there always!)

The only thing that where we're not compatible is where the line is for play and exclusivity. We agreed that we wouldn't sleep with other people and I had figured I would be fine if he played with other people and I was in the beginning. However as the love has grown so has my desire for exclusivity, but his hasn't. We both played with two girls this weekend and while in the moment I thoroughly enjoyed it, afterwards I was hurt and upset at seeing him with them. It's hypocritical because I enjoyed playing with them as well. The fact is that I don't want to share him. He's encouraged me to play with other men as well, but right now I'm not interested, I want to be with him.

I'm in love with this man, and except for this, everything is great: he's honest, treats me well, is affectionate, is communicative, is passionate, is interesting, is spontaneous, it's just so easy to be around him. I really can't give him up over this even though it hurts me that he plays with others. We've talked about this, and I don't want to ask him to give it up and neither is he honestly willing to. He's committed to being with me and has expressed his love through actions and words, and he's been very open and honest with all of this so far. I know he doesn't want to loose me and I don't want to loose him either.

I can intellectualize how it's just 'play', but I can't change how my heart feels when I see him play with others. If I could take a magic pill to change my reaction so that I had fun too, I would. I wonder whether it's possible to look at this the other way? Or am I kidding myself, because my heart will never like it?

The thing is that though part of me thinks I can just take this as a "relationship compromise" there's another part of me that feels compromised and my stomach is in knots over this. I foresee this stopping me from getting closer with him....

I don't know, advice? Suggestions? Feedback?

Thanks!

I don't want to ask him to give up playing, it's good for him

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RE: Advice please: Relationships, BDSM, love and boundries - 8/15/2005 5:53:47 PM

Shayna

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Hiya! In all relationships there are compromises to be made; you have to decide which ones you can live with. On your profile you say you want a non-poly Dom...seems like you found a great guy who IS poly. Can you live with that? You'll figure it out - at some point you'll accept the situation or decide it's unhealthy for you and you'll leave. The last kind of relationship to be in is one that doesn't nurture you - however one defines that.

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RE: Advice please: Relationships, BDSM, love and boundries - 8/15/2005 6:54:42 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Shayna

Hiya! In all relationships there are compromises to be made; you have to decide which ones you can live with. On your profile you say you want a non-poly Dom...seems like you found a great guy who IS poly. Can you live with that? You'll figure it out - at some point you'll accept the situation or decide it's unhealthy for you and you'll leave. The last kind of relationship to be in is one that doesn't nurture you - however one defines that.

Great response really.

I will just add that you should continue to do what you are doing- understand your feelings while not allowing them to control you or the situation.

Perhaps there are some illusions you have with "exclusivity" meaning certain things and you can give those up. Perhaps your feelings will change completely. Perhaps his feelings will change completely.

Keep the lines of communication open, but I think it would be far too soon for either of you to start putting any deep pressure to change a situation everyone's accepted and is mostly happy with at this point. It's only been a few weeks, see how things evolve.

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RE: Advice please: Relationships, BDSM, love and boundries - 8/16/2005 12:06:55 AM

Vancouver_cinful

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I would suggest reading the book The Ethical Slut. It's all about how to handle negotiated monogamy, also known as open relationships, poly, non-exclusivity, swinging...etc....

The book is a wonderful resource for exploring the psychology of why you feel what you are feeling, and how to figure out if this kind of relationship can work for you.

There are wonderful people out there giving really helpful workshops for couples, too. Find out what's available where you live. Local swinger communities can help.

The important thing to realize is that if your partner wishes to have this type of relationship then he needs to be willing to support you and communicate, communicate, communicate. You are in this together!

Take it from someone who has been in non-exclusive relationships...they can and do bring wonderful benefits! (I doubt I'll ever go back to straight monogamy). But you both have to be willing to do the work to make it happy and healthy for everyone.

Take comfort in the fact that there are many resources out there to help!

Cin

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RE: Advice please: Relationships, BDSM, love and boundries - 8/16/2005 3:15:42 AM

NakedOnMyChain

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I'm with EmeraldSlave on this one. Communication is key to ANY relationship. Examine the feelings you are having, bring them up, talk them out. If he is unwilling to compromise, and neither are you, then you both have bigger issues than you thought. Keep in mind, too, that you both agreed to be poly in play when you started your relationship. He might not even know that he's hurting you. If he's unwilling to change his habits, remember that you did both agree to letting him play with others. Good luck!

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RE: Advice please: Relationships, BDSM, love and boundries - 8/16/2005 11:28:20 AM

luvdragonx

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I'm going to ditto what Shayna and Emerald have said and add to it.

Since it has only been a few weeks, it really is too soon to try and change things up. If you're having a wonderful time the way things are, then by all means, enjoy it. While I'll be the first to tell you, starting a new relationiship with a Poly man is a difficult one, but from what you've described it sounds like a great opportunity to learn about that type of relationship with a great guy.

Pressuring him to change his ways is a surefire way to send a new relationship to the toilet. Like Shayna said, if everything else is wonderful, maybe you can consider this the one thing you don't love, but will live with for a few more months. You might find that he treats you wonderfully, no matter who else he's with. That is a big concern for many people who attempt Poly but are plagued with jealousy issues. You also might find that you are better suited to Poly than you originally thought. Or you might find out that you just can't do it. I'm curious as to why you feel the need for his time/attention exclusively. I know that's typically how it's 'supposed' to be, I just wonder why you want him all to yourself, since you're having a blast the way things are now.

Bottom line, give it some time and enjoy and learn all you can.

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RE: Advice please: Relationships, BDSM, love and boundries - 8/17/2005 7:56:34 AM

OscarHargraves

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I think ES has the right idea. You are just starting this relationship and you both need to talk (read communicate) and work things out. If you can't reach an agreement then maybe he isn't really the 'Mr Right' you thought he was. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but sometimes life just isn't fair. Good luck and please be careful.

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RE: Advice please: Relationships, BDSM, love and boundries - 8/17/2005 8:06:21 AM

Faramir

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If, at the end of the day, despite the many wonderful things you share, you don't share a model for intimacy, you have an untenable situation.

If for you love means you and he, and only you and he, and for him it is many, then one of you will have to act outside of their natural course - one of you will be striving to act in a way that is out of your nature, and that road leads to weariness and resentment.

This may not be the case - it may be that once you share your feelings fully you will find even more common ground - or it may not be that way.

It is my belief that we do best when we are acting in accord with our natural gifts, talents and inclinations - we are best when we are true to ourselves.

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RE: Advice please: Relationships, BDSM, love and boundries - 8/17/2005 3:09:28 PM

pinkpleasures

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quote:

I can intellectualize how it's just 'play', but I can't change how my heart feels when I see him play with others. If I could take a magic pill to change my reaction so that I had fun too, I would. I wonder whether it's possible to look at this the other way? Or am I kidding myself, because my heart will never like it?

livya18

You have answered Your question yourself. Here's one of mine: if this guy's so great, why does He "play" with others, knowing the pain it causes you? Is His pleasure elevated above your feelings? To me, this is a red flag; taken together with the disclosures you made about being new and not acting in accordance with your intentions before you attended the munch, i'd be very surprised if this relationship is in your best interest.

(In my opinion) it is time to pause and reflect; and having done so; to communicate honestly with your new guy. If He does not honor your feelings now, when would He?

pinkpleasures

< Message edited by pinkpleasures -- 8/17/2005 3:13:04 PM >

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RE: Advice please: Relationships, BDSM, love and boundries - 8/17/2005 4:07:41 PM

livya18

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Thanks for all the replies guys.

ES you've given me somethings to chew on and Faramir that is almost EXACTLY what I said to him, that we are incompatible with our models for love and intimacy. After the play party last weekend, I tried to break it off with him. My logic was like what pinkpleasures has written.

I should have been more clear in my post. We had a long talk after the play party and things are on hold for now, this is an issue for both of us. He's relatively new to this to and says that he's not sure about the polyamorous thing. I think we're both not sure where we each stand. I guess I have a natural inclincation towards monogamy, but this is an exploration for both of us.

pinkpleasures I appreciate your concern (and your PM!) maybe you are right, however I don't think things are this black and white. He didn't know what my intentions were at the munch and it was I who begged him to play with me in the dungeon (he didn't want me to dive in). Anyway, he's well liked in the scene here and he does know the pain this caused me, he honours it, but we both know we're trying to figure this out... together. However my gut feels that depending on who compromises one of us will:

quote:

be striving to act in a way that is out of your nature, and that road leads to weariness and resentment.

faramir

Though we're both open to challenging our assumed natural inclincations, so maybe this will end in heartbreak I don't know. I just know that I will learn a lot.

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RE: Advice please: Relationships, BDSM, love and boundries - 8/17/2005 4:27:08 PM

Faramir

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It is my sincere prayer that you and he continue to speak openly and honestly, and treat each other with respect and care as you find where your paths lead.

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RE: Advice please: Relationships, BDSM, love and boundries - 8/17/2005 7:59:30 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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I think you are doing the right thing- you're assessing how things work for you and whether they are compatible.

He's not doing anything wrong by experimenting with poly, he's being completely open about it, and obviously encouraging you to follow your own path.

You're not doing anything wrong by feeling what you feel and assessing the situation.

Kudos to you both, an excellent model.

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