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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/2/2008 9:05:17 PM   
BPage


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Joined: 3/30/2008
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I am also in the jealous state of mind. I am still very new to the lifestyle and learning. I am trying to understand and accept the difference between polysexuality and polyamory. I am not collared, but am in training with a Mentor and Miss. I am not jealous at all of the relationship between Mentor and Miss, but they believe that He can have sex whenever and with whomever He wants so long as Miss is told about it beforehand. I am having issues with this as it just happened recently (several times over a few days) with a new girl He just met 6 days earlier. I was told after the act (and even after I just had a scene where I was still in sub-space and headed into sub-drop) it is "just sex and does not mean anything." I guess I have been so hard-wired and trained that it sex includes love and respect. I'm okay with the poly, so long as the others in the relationship are included. I thought I was in the relationship, but since I'm not collared, yet, I have the green monster. I also have not been intimate with Them, and have been training with Them for three months. 6 days vs. 3 months. Am I insecure? - yes. Maybe I'm just afraid of being replaced, too.

I admit that I am learning more as I read the posts in this thread and other threads, too. It is also helping with my feelings. Please keep the replies going as I will continue reading! :)

- BPage

(in reply to Knight0Errant)
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/6/2008 5:28:54 PM   
LPslittleclip


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to the OP
there is no one way for poly to be and your dynamic needs to find its equilibrium point. I'm a submissive in a poly family and i had some feelings from the bumps in the road so to say. like you i examined them and the most important thing to me was pleasing my Dominate.  once i took this view it made things easier for me to handle the ripples caused in the family. my M'Lady expects me to express myself(respectfully) this has helped in forming the bonds in O/our family. stepping back and reevaluating seems to have helped you to identify the source of consternation.possibly discussing with your Master the issue/s you could come to a understanding and eliminate to discord your feeling. find some time for quiet reflection and discussion with you Master and see if it helps your situation.
the labor of poly is a greater love in return

(in reply to justnewsub)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/12/2008 8:12:14 PM   
LostMyself


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My situation was more intense, because I lived with a married couple, but jealousy just gets so aweful, and you almost always have to deal with it in poly...  I was so happy to have them both, but she kept getting jealous, interpreting everything I said as mean and aweful..  I could never quite figure out why.   I guess I"m pretty down on poly because of how hurt I got...  I considered my relationship a successful one, untill it ended..

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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/13/2008 1:42:06 PM   
akisha


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Joined: 6/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: whipingherfeet

you are a slave just obey him if he want a harem so be it 


ok that's about as intelligent as saying " Your boat sprung a leak and sank, it's God's will that you drown so just lay there and accept it."

Geez, slave or not, she's a human not a damn robot with an emotional off switch.

_____________________________

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Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/13/2008 1:48:50 PM   
akisha


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Ahhh Crap, I just noticed this is another revived ancient dead thread.   I really need to start double checking dates



edited and deleted cause I didn't check the first time lol

< Message edited by akisha -- 6/13/2008 1:51:12 PM >


_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to justnewsub)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/13/2008 6:43:28 PM   
HisSoulfulMija


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no matter if you are in a poly relationship or vanilla there will be times you get jealous. Comunication is the number one thing you have to have. Sit down and talk about what feels right and what doesn't and what ya'll need to do to make things better so noone gets jealous

< Message edited by HisSoulfulMija -- 6/13/2008 6:45:04 PM >


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Have a very blessed day.
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/17/2008 12:39:01 PM   
Chelipepper


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I've known a lot of people in poly relationships -some who do really really well with it and some who -simply- dont. It depends on what u are looking for and submissive or not, what u are willing to accept. My advice to u is that if u honestly cant say to yourself that someday u will be ok with sharing your Master's time, affection, etc with someone else, that its time to honorably and amicably ask for release.  There's no room in a D/s relationship for jealousy -it undermines the close bond that must be there for the total surrender that's needed -and let's face it- why would u want to be in a relationship that is going to always have u feeling bad? Can u honestly go to your Master and give him your best when u feel that way and carry the resentment that jealousy arouses? Of course not .. Jealousy is a relationshp killer no matter what type of relationship u are in, but much more so in a D./s relationship than any other. 

_____________________________

..And he said "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break that it's heart may stand in the sun, must you know pain" -: Khalil Gibran :-

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/17/2008 1:03:27 PM   
CagedBird1980


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I can empathize with you.  i have some jealousy issues that stemmed from cheating and dishonesty in past vanilla relationships.

In here i'm learning that it's not about me and my pleasures.  i play the Domme to my pet and his pet.  Everytime i feel that bug sneak in i literally have to remind myself, "This pleases my pet, which in turn pleases me."  It pleases me to please him! 

Also, he has been very honest and open with you about the other sub.  Remember you get to have him to yourself more often than she does.  There is no BETTER sex, just DIFFERENT sex. 

Maybe talk to your Domme about finding someone to occupy your time while he is aways with her also.  Thats what i am in the process of doing.

(in reply to MistressPav)
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/18/2008 8:58:52 AM   
bigguy02690


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In anwser to WTF  .. She's a transexual...  it explains everything. LOL LOL

(in reply to sexyred1)
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/18/2008 9:57:41 AM   
MissEnchanted


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I'm glad to see this 'poly jealousy' thread resurrected from the depths of cm.

I am Poly-Erotic, and polyamorous, and not necessarily poly sexual.

I have a pet I am falling in love with and he had a bad experience with his last Domina of 4 years, which makes him extra-sensitive to abandonment issues.

I have a servant slave that was in my life before this pet and plenty of local bdsm friends in my group. We have private play parties and also do vanilla things together.

Jealousy can rear it's ugly head anywhere.
We feel what we feel: we cannot help that. We do have control over our own self-examination, growth, and choices.
Feelings and open communication supply the information we need to move in one direction or another.
We cannot control our emotions, however we do have the power to decide how we react, what we do, how we proceed.

When I start to feel confused: I take a step back, get a little space emotionally and let things 'process' for a day or two while I get busy with other things. I also do not over-think it, and if I find myself doing that I focus on thinking of other things.

Thanks to all who contributed to this thread. It has been helpful and thought provoking.

I look forward to seeing more on this subject and your own 'win-win' situations and experiences.

ME


_____________________________


“We have always known that heedless self-interest was bad morals; we know now that it is bad economics"-FDR



(in reply to bigguy02690)
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/18/2008 9:51:18 PM   
hrslvrfrfriends


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Joined: 6/17/2007
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i have been in a poly relationship for about 5 years. i know how it is to experience the jealousy and to grow out of it. here are some things that i have found work for me (U/us)...
love your Dom enough to do what it takes to make Him/Her happy while still being able to honor and/or value yourself.
Understand that you have the ultimate choice - be in the relationship or not.
Be happy for your Dom/me.
Get over yourself...They are getting something from all of us that helps Them feel better, be better, love better.
The big fear...will He/She love the other sub more then me??? Reality...maybe. But this can happen in a 'vanilla' relationship too...notice all the people who cheat?
Be nosy (if you are allowed) find out what they do, what fun they have, how the sex is...this is fun and will allow you to grow together and you will learn more about what else turns Him or Her on.
Get to know the other sub. she/he is your friend and potentially a lover or member of a household. Chances are if He/She finds great qualities in the other sub so will you!

It can work. It can be painful at first. It can be stressful. Just keep at it, remember you love Him/Her and find the positives to the situation.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/27/2008 9:01:00 AM   
TwilightShadows


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Joined: 1/4/2008
From: twilight
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That's disturbing.  Why would one want to destroy self esteem and self worth to such a degree?  You aren't worthy of jealousy?  Are you worthy of thoughts, emotions, ideas, dreams, food?  I respect your right to want to be completely devalued, but question the giving of such advice to a person new to a trying situation.

My thoughts about the young lady's issues with poly are:  "released after two months" ??  You were collared after two months, with a man you only see on weekends, which roughly means you may have been in his pressence a total of 14 days?  Why the rush to collar and to poly?  Why didn't your Dom want to take the time to get to know the person you are? 

I'd approach this situation with a huge amount of caution.

(in reply to lilonee)
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/28/2008 3:31:50 PM   
Daes


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From: Diamond Bar, SoCal
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I'm glad this thread was ressurected, it gave me a look at my own issues & concerns with jealousy. I've dealt with having a crush on a Really good friend and having to listen to him gush about girls he crushes on or seeing the condom wrappers next to his bed. I have another male friend thats polyamorous and polysexual and it drives me up the wall. I can't help it. It stems from a Ton of different things - my feeling left out a lot of the time, my need for affection, and my tendency to want to be put First. YES i know its selfish and immature, I'm trying Hard to get over it. I did so with the guy I had a crush on and I dare say it saved my friendship with him. The latter however is proving Much more difficult because in addition to my feelings, his polyamorous situation has opened old woulds that came from him directly.

I understand my faults. I'm just bringing this up to say thanks, it gave me an outside look at my behavior.

_____________________________

~*Estrellita*~
I want to be in surrender of His strength, of His power. Alone, I am nothing, but in His arms I am all things...

~His puppy~

(in reply to TwilightShadows)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/29/2008 2:34:21 PM   
ajar


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From: NYC, NY
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Is he interested in playing with you two together that way you may develop some interest or affection for her? I think the best way to deal with your feelings is to discuss them openly with him, that way he can clarify to you his own intentions and help relax some of the insecurities and concerns you have. I used to be involved with a guy who saw many other girls, and i found that the only girls who i felt really hostile and jealous toward were the ones i never met! I felt a lot calmer when he spent time with the girl i knew of (she had even been to my house) because i accepted their relationship because by telling me about it, in a way he had made me part of it. 

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/29/2008 2:38:34 PM   
ajar


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From: NYC, NY
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good point.

For myself the jealousy stems from the fear that the other lover(s) will replace me and/or limit my time with my love. But good communication, reassurance, and faith in each other can settle these issues.

(in reply to hrslvrfrfriends)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/29/2008 3:55:08 PM   
Daes


Posts: 246
Joined: 4/20/2007
From: Diamond Bar, SoCal
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ajar

Is he interested in playing with you two together that way you may develop some interest or affection for her? I think the best way to deal with your feelings is to discuss them openly with him, that way he can clarify to you his own intentions and help relax some of the insecurities and concerns you have. I used to be involved with a guy who saw many other girls, and i found that the only girls who i felt really hostile and jealous toward were the ones i never met! I felt a lot calmer when he spent time with the girl i knew of (she had even been to my house) because i accepted their relationship because by telling me about it, in a way he had made me part of it. 


Yes. He's trying to get us to become closer. He sees her as my equal whereas I do not. His intentions are good, I've no question about that. I just hate it. I get along with Mike and his gf individually but when theyre together I get frustrated, open displays of affection irritate me and I generally feel left out which leads to me avoiding them when they are together... which is making things worse..

Like I said, I know its selfish, Im just trying to deal with it.

_____________________________

~*Estrellita*~
I want to be in surrender of His strength, of His power. Alone, I am nothing, but in His arms I am all things...

~His puppy~

(in reply to ajar)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/29/2008 9:27:14 PM   
Maxwell67


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I have been polyamorous for 18 years now and I can tell you that jealousy is a common problem.  Dealing with it is part of the lifestyle, but in my opinion it is considerably easier to deal with jealousy in a poly relationship than it is in a vanilla one.  The thing which you must ask yourself when you see the one you love displaying affection for someone else is simply this:  Is the kiss shared between them taken from some limited supply of kisses?  If he had not given it to her would it have been yours then?

It may bother you that you can not monoplize his attention, but you must remember that even were it just the two of you he would still not be able to pay attention to you whenever you wanted him to.  Life simply does not work that way.

The polyamorous lifestyle works best when love is shared freely among you.  You need not be sexually involved with those your lover is involved with, but you should learn to love them, for your lovers sake.  In a poly relationship shared love increases.  At least it always has for me.

< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 6/29/2008 9:54:03 PM >

(in reply to Daes)
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/30/2008 12:03:39 PM   
AngelKittyX


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I'm new to poly too and fell for my Master very fast.  I get easily jealous too.  At first I thought I couldn't handle it but what changed that is that my sister slave really talked to me and they both wanted me.  I love them very much.  I think it helps to talk to all of the members in the poly relationship.  They love me and I love them.

(in reply to BPage)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: new to poly... jealousy - 6/30/2008 6:32:23 PM   
sunlitflames


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poly to me is when i am interacting with everyone in the poly family.  multiple partners is not the same things as a poly family.    so i guess the thought i'd throw out is.... does he want to keep the 2 of you separate?  or... have you talked with her at all?  do you like her?  do you get to go with him?  because.. when 2 are together who like each other... it's really great.  when 3 are together who all like each other... it begins to go exponential - jealousy?? why???   i can't begin to fathom 4.. i'm sure i'd never return to life as i know it now....  :).

i agree with those who say.. D/s aside... would you be in this relationship?  does it meet your needs?  alternative relationships come in when "accepted" relationships don't meet your needs... so you go beyond... looking for something that does...but they're "more" than anything you've had before... not less than. 

good luck... listen to your gut... if it doesn't "feel right"... there may be a reason.... or, there may be long buried issues you need to deal with... you'll know which it is.  enjoy your journey... when you find what is right for you it is sheer bliss.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: new to poly... jealousy - 7/1/2008 1:50:55 PM   
Daes


Posts: 246
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From: Diamond Bar, SoCal
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To clarify - I'm 100% positive that I do not want a poly relationship with him (Mike) And her (chrissy). Even if I didn't have my Sir.

I was just grateful that this thread was brought up because it gave me another pov on my behavior when I am around them. I get jealous when Any of my close friends are involved with other girls. Thus far I've been pretty good about preventing my jealousy from getting in the way of my friendships.

I attemped my first poly relationship with a married couple back in feb or march, She was a "mommy" type, dominant, and He was more of a sensual Dom who was very sweet. It had worked because I /Wanted/ to be her pet. She was a strong hearted beautiful woman, and I still think fondly of her. I enjoyed serving her very much that last day I was there. They'll find a wonderful to complete their family one day.

Chrissy is a tad immature, a tad young (19), and though she is cute in appearance, she gets on my nerves, and she's submissive. I have absolutely no interest in playing with other submissive girls, I get nothing from it which has led me to being bored.

< Message edited by Daes -- 7/1/2008 1:52:56 PM >


_____________________________

~*Estrellita*~
I want to be in surrender of His strength, of His power. Alone, I am nothing, but in His arms I am all things...

~His puppy~

(in reply to sunlitflames)
Profile   Post #: 80
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