I'm not sure what to do (Full Version)

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JordanaWolf -> I'm not sure what to do (12/11/2007 8:52:30 PM)

I hope I'm posting this in the right area.

I'm the male Dom part of a Dom/sub couple, and yesterday I learned one of our female friends packed up and moved in with a 35 yr old man (she's 22) who has a 19 yr old girlfriend that's pregnant with his child. Normally I mind my own business in such matters but she's known this guy online and total barely over a month. Then she tells me that she's being "considered" for collaring by this guy... and then badgers me about my thoughts on the matter while I continue to throw up my hands and mind my own business. Finally I break down and tell her I think she's made the stupidest decision of her life and that I'm hoping it's not the last decision she'll ever make... she goes on to say that she's been meeting people off the net for 10 years and has only had 3 bad experiences, ignoring the point I made when I said that the 4th one could very well be her last.
I've pretty much written her off, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped but I'm curious if anyone out there has any insight or is willing to offer any thoughts on how I handled it?

CS



Estring -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/11/2007 9:20:15 PM)

If this guy has a 19 year old pregnant girlfriend, I doubt she is in danger. She is probably making a bad choice. She is determined to make it. Why let it bother you?



ownedgirlie -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/11/2007 10:26:47 PM)

Can't say I have ever written someone off for making what I thought to be bad choices.  Lots of people make bad choices.  I've made more than my share.  Someone very close to me right now is making ridiculous choices.  She knows I disagree with what she is doing, but that I love her regardless.  I don't write people off for not living as I would, or for not accepting my help.  I might feel frustrated, and I can understand your frustration, but I don't get the part about writing her off.



crouchingtigress -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/11/2007 10:31:48 PM)

for what ever reason she needs to have this experiance....she created it and she will get what she needs form it....thing is we cant know what that is.

its very hard to let some one make a decision we think is bad, but its part of life.

i wish you the best with this.




sub4hire -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/12/2007 8:22:44 AM)

You can't save someone from themself no matter how much you care.
All you can do is pick up the pieces when it is over.



ctrlaltdelete -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/12/2007 8:51:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JordanaWolf
I've pretty much written her off, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped but I'm curious if anyone out there has any insight or is willing to offer any thoughts on how I handled it?


If you truly consider yourself her friend then you never write her off. You simply let her know that no matter what stupid shit she might get herself into that you will always be there for her to fall back on when she needs a friend.

If you're not able or willing to do that then you better tell her to write you off as a friend!



RCdc -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/12/2007 9:52:50 AM)

You have written her off?  A friend?
Then shes pretty much better off without you.
 
the.dark.



juliaoceania -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/12/2007 12:55:39 PM)

quote:

I've pretty much written her off, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped


I have a friend that I believe is making some pretty significant mistakes, but she will not listen to me. She is my friend anyways. I do not offer friendship to people contingent upon them taking my advice, whether they asked for it or not.

If you could write her off for living the way she wants to live, it makes me wonder if losing your friendship is much of a loss. I think that you sound rather controlling to be honest, you shouldn't be "handling" it at all.



Leonardo -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/12/2007 1:45:39 PM)

Do you really mean that you have, instead, "written her off" as a potential sub or action on the side rather than "written her off" as a friend?




Greylynn -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/12/2007 3:36:01 PM)

If this is the first instance of something like this happening and you've written her off she's better off without you as a friend.   Friends don't sever ties because they refuse to take each other's advice. 

If this is a cycle where her drama keeps drawing you in and causes an emotional toll on you and it's effecting other areas of your life, then yes, maybe it is time to write her off.

I also wonder what kind of guidance she has had in her life if she's been meeting up with people for 10 years and she's 22...that would have her meeting people since the age of 12.



FangsNfeet -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/12/2007 7:25:09 PM)

So your friend is moving in with a couple. I don't think it's the end of the world. So you don't approve of her choice. Does that really mean that you can no longer be her friend?

My response if I where you:

I think you're making a poor choice. You should really consider meeting the couple first before you walk in there home with a packed suit case. Those are my thoughts. If you choose to go through with it, remember that I'm just a phone call away should it not work out. I don't think this is a good idea. It's too soon. Still, I wish you the best of luck and hope you find what makes you happy,"

All you can really do is wish her well and hope that you're wrong. Friendship is about telling your friend what you approve and disaprove for better or worse. The bottom line is that she needs to know that you're not going to hold bad experiences over her head for the rest of her life. You can disagree and still wish her the best of luck. Who knows, the whole experience might work out for her after all.



windchymes -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/12/2007 7:29:35 PM)

Sometimes you have to "write" toxic people and friendships off, if it is the only means to save your own sanity.  I'm not saying write everyone who makes a bad decision off, but if you have a friend who repeatedly asks your advice, makes a stupid decision anyway, then repeatedly comes running back to you, only to repeat the process, well, that can suck the very life out of you.  Sometimes you have to look out for yourself and leave others to learn on their own.



Siona -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/12/2007 7:59:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Sometimes you have to "write" toxic people and friendships off, if it is the only means to save your own sanity.  I'm not saying write everyone who makes a bad decision off, but if you have a friend who repeatedly asks your advice, makes a stupid decision anyway, then repeatedly comes running back to you, only to repeat the process, well, that can suck the very life out of you.  Sometimes you have to look out for yourself and leave others to learn on their own.



Those are pretty much my thoughts too.



Termyn8or -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/12/2007 9:05:51 PM)

I have a few people who like to ask my advice, but not always take it. I have a policy on that and before I outline it for you, I will say one thing. If you ask my advice and do not take it, and heed it, the case is closed.

That said, there are a few people who will ask me advice, and then go do whatever they were going to do, when that happens the consequences are their own. If they get jammed up because if it I am not saying I have nothing to do with them, but they are going to hear about it. How stupid they are.

I don't write them off totally, but sometimes they wish I did. In some cases I say "You know you have done shit like this before, why don't you learn ?". If I tell you not to buy a house and you do, and it turns out to be a money pit, too bad. You hook up with someone who is poison, too bad. If I go with you to a car lot even, and you buy a car I told you not to buy, well, I might decide to not suffer that upon my mechanic.

But I won't write you off, not as a friend, it's just that at that point, it is time for you to have some consequences. Far be it from me to stand in the way of that. It is your life and your consequences with which YOU must deal, not me, so you can take my advice or leave it. Your choice.

So basically, when it comes to shit like this, you are going to do what you want to do, so don't even ask.

But you are not written off. There is a difference.

T



SugarMyChurro -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/12/2007 9:34:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
If you could write her off for living the way she wants to live...


I think the part you may be missing here is the other person's need to talk about her situation all the time. OP said:

"...and then badgers me about my thoughts on the matter while I continue to throw up my hands and mind my own business."

In other words: "Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!" Etc...

If people ask me for advice or opinions, I give them what I can. But if they are making all kinds of hellacious mistakes and already have my opinion on the matter I draw a line about how much time I am willing to dedicate to discussion of matters already settled and/or commiserating over foolish choices.

Life is short. I can't waste mine on idiots that haven't a clue or anything new or interesting to say.




JordanaWolf -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/12/2007 11:42:02 PM)

Forgive me, when I said friend I perhaps should have said aquaintence. I've never met this girl beyond internet conversations and my concern for her is the concern of one human being for another. I do not surround myself with people who make stupid decisions of this magnitude, which I feel this clearly is a great one... agree or disagree with me as you will but it is, in fact, my opinion. I simply hope I don't pick up the newspaper and learn of her death at the hands of this "Master"... something I fear is a justified fear in this day and age. I'm a firm believer in leaving someone to face the consequences of their mistakes, but I do not, however, feel I should sit back and keep my mouth shut when someone could be putting their safety at risk.

For those of you who saying she's better off not being my friend, you are correct... not because she didn't take my advice but because I choose not to associate with someone who makes such immature, rash decisions. This isn't picking a night out drinking over paying the electric bill, this is a rather serious life decision.. at least in my eyes, some of you may differ. If you choose to have friends that do things so stupid, that's your choice and I leave you to it but me... I'll stick to having friends with less chance of turning up as corpses.



RCdc -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/13/2007 3:46:29 AM)

This is Darcy

The measure of a true friendship is that you can be there for people when they make bad mistakes, that you offer advice but even if that advice is not taken you wait patiently for the person to realise their mistake, and then to be there, unconditionally, when they fall down and need to be picked up again.

As for your handling of the situation, right up until writing her off you were doing OK in my eyes. Rather than writing her off, though, if you really are her friend you will do as I mentioned in the first paragraph. If not, then as .dark. points out she is better off without your involvement in her life.



RCdc -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/13/2007 5:24:11 AM)

So now it has gone from 'friend' to 'internet aquaintence'.
Seriously? Are you a white knight now?
I am less articulate than Darcy.  You said what you think to her, you warned her.  That is all you can do.
You are responsible for yourself and your feelings and if she does end up in a shallow grave somewhere, then you are the person who has to deal with how that effects you and it isn't her responsibility to you.
It sounds like she is in sub frenzy and may be all 'me,me,me'.  But you aren't being any different - you are just complaining that shes not listening to 'you,you,you'.
Suck it up, let her go and deal with yourself and those you serve.
 
the.dark.



Aneirin -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/13/2007 11:42:49 AM)

I have 'internet aquaintances', people I have never met, but I still call them friend and they me.Pen pals often never meet, but they are still regarded as friends.

Should an 'internet aquaintance', be less worthy than a friend, or are they one in the same?

If one has taken the trouble to build up a rapport with someone behind a glass screen, do you not care for that person, knowing so much about them.

Friends come in all manner of ways, all shapes and sizes, one should be glad they have friends and friends should be treated the same.

(Off topic I know, but I did not like the switch from friend to something other as though the person mattered less).



NinjaProphet -> RE: I'm not sure what to do (12/13/2007 6:28:35 PM)

Wisdom, simply put, is the ability to make good choices. You get it by making a bunch of bad choices......



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