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can you trust him/her again? - 12/15/2007 8:13:02 PM

yuyu777

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If you were cheated on then got back together, can you trust him/her again?
when he/she is nowhere to find and you are obsessed with the "past experience", how do you deal with it?

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/15/2007 8:14:39 PM

laurell3

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If you can't trust them, why did you get back together? A relationship without trust is like a building without foundation it will never stand.

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/15/2007 8:38:30 PM

CalifChick

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I have no idea how you could have a relationship with a Dom without trusting him. So if you take out the whole BDSM aspect of it, and just go with two people in a relationship, he has to make this right. Meaning, he has to do whatever it takes to allow you to feel safe. That means he never just disappears. That means he calls you when he is going to be 10 minutes late (or whatever your personal cutoff is). He does this until you no longer get that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.

It will take a while, but the damage can be repaired if you are BOTH committed to it. Now if he was like my ex, he wasn't committed to it, continued to "re-offend", and hence, is now my ex.

Cali

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/15/2007 10:11:18 PM

topcat

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yuyu777

If you were cheated on then got back together, can you trust him/her again?
when he/she is nowhere to find and you are obsessed with the "past experience", how do you deal with it?

Dear Yuyu-

too often, I find that people confuse 'forgiveness' with 'permission'... which makes me a bit unforgiving these days. Still, I think that knowing she'll cheat, as she has before, doesn't mean that I can't trust her in the global sense- just that I can, in fact, trust her to betray me again.

we pay our money, and we take our chance.

Good luck.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/15/2007 11:00:49 PM

FangsNfeet

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I can forgive but can I forget?

I can understand and might find myself giving a second chance. But that second chance would be due to circumstancial situations. However, it depends on how much I really belive them. After all, there's what I want to hear and belive and then there's reality.

You have to go with your Gut. If you continue to feel that you're being lied to and find yourself asking "Are you cheating on me again?" Time after time, it's best to break it off and move on. It's best not to touture youself wondering if you're really being told the truth. If the faith is gone, then you need to be gone with someone you can trust again.

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 12:06:00 AM

OldBastardly1

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Did that fucking slut cheat on me again??? Tell me what you know! You started this thread as a way to let me know, didn't you?

I knew I never should have given her a ride home from the gangbang I met her at.

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 12:24:33 AM

MissMagnolia

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D, s, vanilla, whatever. No, I never forgive or forget cheating, so it wouldn't be a situation I would ever be in.

Dealing with it will be harder for some than others, but always bear in mind that if it happens once, it's LIKELY to happen again. Do you really want to go through it again?

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 1:10:54 AM

Qithoras

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quote:

If you were cheated on then got back together, can you trust him/her again?

Nope.

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Mastering yourself is true power.

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 2:38:49 AM

foreverminx

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Nope, never trust again. I tried it, there was always a nagging feeling in the back of my mind when he was off with the boys or at work or whenever he wasn't with me. Never again will I do that. I don't think you ever get that trust back again.

minx

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 5:30:49 AM

Jeffff

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The best indicator of future behavior is the past. People are what they are.No moral judgement here, but some one who has cheated will most likely cheat again. So no, I wouldn't tust them

Jeff

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 6:03:21 AM

LAMaster1964

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I've had it happen before and have seen it happen to others. I agree with Jeffff, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, but with that said, people can and do change if they want to, with the key word being want. If he is kind of blowing it off and making like it's no big deal then you better cut your losses before you get cut again. If; however, it has been a real eye opening, world changing, religious type experience for him where he has truly recogognized what he is losing and is willing to do whatever is necessary to make it right with you and he is doing this volutarily without prodding, then there may be a chance. The way it sounds is that he is leaving you hanging and don't really care that much about your feelings, so from what you say, my advice would be leave. Also, make your judgements by his actions and not his words. Who are you gonna believe, him or your lyin eyes?

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 6:12:11 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yuyu777

If you were cheated on then got back together, can you trust him/her again?
when he/she is nowhere to find and you are obsessed with the "past experience", how do you deal with it?

You would first have to explain what YOU mean by cheated on. I have found that it can have several different meanings to different people.

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 6:31:35 AM

RumpusParable

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yuyu777

If you were cheated on then got back together, can you trust him/her again?
when he/she is nowhere to find and you are obsessed with the "past experience", how do you deal with it?

To the first question, there are entirely too many variables to give a set answer... Just off the top there is: how did they cheat? why did they cheat? where did they cheat? how long did they cheat? with who did they cheat? how did I find out that they cheated? is the reason a fixable one? do they otherwise have a habit of being dishonest? is there a reason to believe they plan to continue in dishonesty? are they truly contrite? how do they express that?

And so on.

To the second question, I really can't say I've ever had a relationship point where I found that my partner was nowhere to be found... this would be odd to me even if they'd never cheated.

I mean, if they're not home they're somewhere for an estimated normal period of time be it work, the store, a particular friend's, school, whatever. I think in the past 10 years of marriage I've only ever wondered where my spouse was for about 10 minutes or so while guessing that they'd run out to the store... and then they wandered in the door with an armful of groceries.

Oh, not true. When we were first living together I woke up at 2am'ish a few times before I knew his night-time habits well and wondered where he was because he wasn't in bed. Then I heard the clunking in the kitchen and found the next morning that he'd gotten up with an insatiable urge to bake bread.

Anyhow, point is, why is your partner "nowhere to be found" long enough to wonder? If I leave the house for anything other than a scheduled and normal event like work I leave a note on our dry-erase board, and so does he. When not living together with a romantic partner, we tended to keep in touch well because we're interested in staying in touch... a simple thing of, "Hey, I'll give you a call/drop by around 7 because I'm going to the store after work on my way home/to your house" or similar. No checking up but just a voluntary letting each other know what's up because both were looking forward to that call or visit.

If he's disappearing often then, past history of cheating or not, I'd not be happy with how things were. If he cheated and he wasn't the sort of person or acted in such a way about it that you feel it was never to happen again, then it doesn't seem worthwhile.

Basically, that second question makes me wonder about whether you should trust him or if you're happy with how the relationship is structured, his having cheated before or not.

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 9:05:24 AM

mistermaster111

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quote:

D, s, vanilla, whatever. No, I never forgive or forget cheating, so it wouldn't be a situation I would ever be in.

I would agree completely, but I think I would be going a bit far in saying that I would never forget or forgive. I wouldn't take the person back, but I don't think that's what forgiveness means.

Foregiveness isn't about them, and forgetting especially isn't. It's about you and the way you deal with your feelings. I say forgive and forget for yourself, but don't trust that person again, especially in our sort of relationship.

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 9:14:43 AM

slaveluci

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LAMaster1964
I agree with Jeffff, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, but with that said, people can and do change if they want to, with the key word being want. If he is kind of blowing it off and making like it's no big deal then you better cut your losses before you get cut again. If; however, it has been a real eye opening, world changing, religious type experience for him where he has truly recogognized what he is losing and is willing to do whatever is necessary to make it right with you and he is doing this volutarily without prodding, then there may be a chance

Absolutely agreed. You took the words right out of my mouth, LAMaster. Yes, past behavior can be a predictor of future behavior but sometimes people really do learn from past mistakes and choose not to keep repeating them especially when they realize what they could lose if they don't change. The whole concept of never forgiving "cheating" and thinking it will necessarily always occur again just doesn't hold water with me. Some people can and do change their behavior for the better. I know................luci

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 11:59:32 AM

girlygurl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yuyu777

If you were cheated on then got back together, can you trust him/her again?
when he/she is nowhere to find and you are obsessed with the "past experience", how do you deal with it?

Trust would come with time yuyu (hopefully) If the person becomes obsessed with the where abouts of the other... I'm thinkin it's not going to be a happy ending. just my 2 cents.

girly

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 12:22:14 PM

Kalista07

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yuyu777

If you were cheated on then got back together, can you trust him/her again?
when he/she is nowhere to find and you are obsessed with the "past experience", how do you deal with it?

*sigh* See, here's where i get confused....Why exactly would i (or You) want to get back together with a person who cheated on me if i don't know whether or not i could (let alone if i should) trust him again??
As important as it is for me to be aware of the person i'm in a relationship with's messages and issues, it's even more important for me to be aware of my own......i'll never forget the last long term relationship i was in...i think he fucked everyone in town, bit i don't think i knew that yet at the time....And we were breaking up for the zillionth time and i told Him to get out...Not to call me, write me, email me, send me anything, no contact whatso ever!!! He stook in my doorway with his hand on the door, prohibiting me from shutting it on him and he said, "oh Kali....I'll be back, and eventually You'll let me back in.....You always do...." i felt like someone had just slapped me across the face.......It sucked...But what i had to look at was why i would continue to stay in a relationship with someone who was so obviously screwed up.......
just my rambling thoughts,
kali

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 1:40:23 PM

littlebitxxx

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If I was cheated on, there would be no getting back together in the first place. The trust is gone gone gone.

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 3:21:51 PM

windchymes

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I thought that "getting back together" meant you WERE trusting again?

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RE: can you trust him/her again? - 12/16/2007 4:59:27 PM

azropedntied

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If your asking the question can they be trusted again you already know what the answer is for your situation .If you hold trust in them there is no need to ask the question .

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