I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustrated

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I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustrated - 12/16/2007 8:19:09 PM

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In general the relationship with my Dom is good... we care for each other and love spending time together...

but we have some language and communication problem... English is my second language and Im not here long enough, so when we talk about specific topics or he telling jokes, I can't get it and it sucks... He always says communication is our biggest issue...

I so want to improve our relationship, so when Im currently on the school holiday, I study english 10 hours a day everyday... but I know its not something I can fix within such a short time... also, its not only about language... I wish I had more time so I can work on the things I need to work on...and to make him happy...

Sometimes I feel its beyond my ability... sometimes it hurts me so much when I hear he says "Its so hard to discuss it on the phone with you"... bcos I know he is not happy about it...

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/16/2007 8:28:10 PM

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My goodness, if you speak half as well as you write. i think you are doing wonderful. Words are important, but until you are comfortable with them relax and show him with your feelings and actions. That's just as good. Especially since he sees that you're trying.

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i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

(in reply to yuyu777)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/16/2007 8:39:35 PM

exquisitefeline1

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Joined: 9/13/2007
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What is your first language?
Has he taken the time to learn it and your cultural differences?

you are a commendable woman to spend such time and energy to learn his language, to improve your relationship. However this is highly improving your potential all round, having a better understanding of English will have its rewards, in many different ways, regardless if the relationship works or not.

Your understanding of English appears to be excellent to me. There are a lot of 'in house' jokes, in the variety of subcultures, understanding that subculture is essential to 'get it.'
i have studied visual arts for 10 years, and to understand a lot of modern art, one must understand the whole history of art.

i am thinking he should be more patient and considerate, maybe his unhappiness hatches from his own inability in communication and helping you to understand. A good communicator, could lecture a room full of scientists on physics, and then ensure a 5 year old can also grasp the understanding. A good communicator is adaptable, and can communicate to anyone.

(in reply to yuyu777)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/16/2007 8:46:25 PM

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You write very well. It may be easier for you to write, because you have the time you need to translate in your mind and think of the right words to say. As you continue to learn English, it may be helpful to write to him about your thoughts and feelings so things do not get confused in translation.

If it helps to know this, my parents did not speak the same language when they married. She spoke only Spanish. He spoke English and Latin. They both learned each other's languages - it took some time, but they did it. The important thing is to communicate what you are thinking and feeling, instead of holding back. Most communication problems exist not because of language but because of a failure to communicate.

You are obviously dedicated in your studies, to be studying 10 hours a day. I suspect your abilities are greater than you believe they are. Instant Messaging and Email are good tools to use when verbal communication is difficult. Also, is there a reason you do not cut back on the number of hours you study each day? Do you take breaks so that you do not become overwhelmed? Has he said you are not pleasing enough, or is that something you decided for yourself? It is easy for us to think we are not doing enough, when our Dominants are actually quite happy with us.

Be gentle with yourself, and find creative ways to communicate when language is getting in the way. Best of everything to you.

(in reply to yuyu777)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/16/2007 9:04:41 PM

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From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
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greetings yuyu,

i cannot agree enough with what has already been said. you write english much better than many native english speakers i've met, and if you can speak even half as well, you are capable of making yourself understood. i would bring it up to him and suggest that, if he has not already, he at least make an attempt to learn some of your culture and language as well - and give you a break. the fact that you can communicate as well as you can shows that you are trying very hard, and you need to take time for yourself as well or you will become burned out. it's definitely possible to bridge this gap - i have a friend who studies chinese who is married to a chinese woman, and she is having difficulty learning english as well, but they are happy together and have been together for a few years now. just let him know that you need his support, and listen to the advice on this thread. i wish you lots of luck.

respectfully,
annabelle.

_____________________________

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(in reply to yuyu777)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/16/2007 9:25:21 PM

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From: Charleston, WV
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My guess is that it's not so much you grasp on English, but that the two of you don't quite understand the cultural differences between your societies. One of the way to try and share that is to share stories about your childhood. Also, share stories about your culture's major holidays. Talk about overall moral issues in your culture, too, and how your beliefs agree or disagree with them. Oh, and movies are a good way to share, too. Watch the movie twice, once to enjoy the movie and the second to stop and talk about important things that someone might not really get if they don't understand the culture. This is particularly true for comedies.

Master Fire

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(in reply to yuyu777)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/16/2007 9:49:44 PM

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Seems to me you are doing quite well, the one to be commended. You sound strong minded, dedicated, very intelligent, very giving of yourself. You will come out on top of any situation, I predict, so don't worry too much, you are doing very well.

And I never get a lot of the jokes either.

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(in reply to yuyu777)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/16/2007 11:18:41 PM

exquisitefeline1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yuyu777

In general the relationship with my Dom is good... we care for each other and love spending time together...

but we have some language and communication problem... English is my second language and Im not here long enough, so when we talk about specific topics or he telling jokes, I can't get it and it sucks... He always says communication is our biggest issue...

I so want to improve our relationship, so when Im currently on the school holiday, I study english 10 hours a day everyday... but I know its not something I can fix within such a short time... also, its not only about language... I wish I had more time so I can work on the things I need to work on...and to make him happy...

Sometimes I feel its beyond my ability... sometimes it hurts me so much when I hear he says "Its so hard to discuss it on the phone with you"... bcos I know he is not happy about it...

Ok just realized i responded to another one of your posts earlier, is this the same guy who cheated on you?

Try learning a few other languages maybe, expand the pool, and find someone who can treat you right, submissive does not mean doormat.

(in reply to yuyu777)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/17/2007 12:36:10 AM

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I once had a slave who was Brasilian. She preferred to write instead of chat or talk on the phone as she could take her time and make sure she was getting the right words down.
Your Dom needs to be understand that you are doing the best you can. He knew your primary language is not English.
Besides, there are many things that can be communicated without speaking. Try focusing on them.

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(in reply to yuyu777)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/17/2007 1:45:41 AM

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My Pet and I are in a similar situation. We're in a long distance relationship, so communication happens on the phone or in text. We are both fluent in English, but here is the similarity:

I am a fast thinker. I always have an answer. I am the frog, jumping before looking.
She takes time to think, making sure to voice her answers carefully. She is the toad, looking before jumping.

Often times, she is at a loss of words, and needs ~5-30 minutes to think. When these situations arise, I give her a writing assignment. She can provide an amazing result where her thoughts are clear.

Like you, My Pet can write with more force than she can speak.
Like your dominant, I can speak with more force than I write.

Ask for writing assignments.

_____________________________

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... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to Estring)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/17/2007 6:34:58 AM

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From: Apple County NY
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Do things written instead of on phone for now. Have him follow up his phone calls with an email explaining what he wants, you follow up the phone calls with an email asking about the stuff you don't get.

And can you spend any of your vacation doing a five day immersion course? I'm told that's the best way to learn another language.

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(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/20/2007 12:17:59 PM

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Joined: 11/28/2005
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Something that I have done, particularly in an introductory phase, or in online training, is the regular keeping of a journal. I agree, your English, when written, is beyond passable. If a sub of mine started a journal online, something I could easily check every day in the morning, before bed, and have a detailed insight into not only her submission but her general mindset, and did it without my asking, I think I would fall over. I consider it a critical tool in Master/slave relationships. For one, it conveys properly your thoughts and feelings, allowing you the time to translate at your leisure. Two, it gives him a tool by which he can track and guide you by providing written feedback at a pace that is comfortable for him.

Best of luck, and remember that the language of love and kink is universal.
-R

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/20/2007 12:38:04 PM

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If I might add a few comments...

It's interesting that I often notice what's not being said in a thread from time to time. :)

I have a few friends that are learning languages, and they've mentioned that the learning became considerably easier when they spent time around people that actually spoke the language, either really well or natively. Some are members of clubs and groups to help with this. I can also understand your frustration, yuyu. Some jokes I just don't get, especially when I'm not familiar with the context. :) Is it possible that you're not thinking in English that's causing some of the problem? Translating from English to your native language tends to focus you on something other than humor and missing the context. As you start to actually think in English, the communication will improve, in my opinion.

It might help if your Dom would take some time to learn your language as well to help? It would be something I would want to do, especially if I wanted to be clear in my expectations. Personally, I would think it would be very appropriate to suggest it to him.

Just remind yourself there is no issue of fault here, yuyu, just a learning curve. Also, I'm kind of wondering if 10 hour study sessions would be counter-productive? I hope you're taking regular breaks to let it sink in some. :)

Good luck!

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RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/20/2007 12:54:15 PM

Aubre

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Ni hao

You may want to do more text-based communications until you feel more confident in your English speaking ability. I find it easer to express myself via text than when I am talking to someone who doesn't speak my language. I also have a southern accent which doesn't help.

(in reply to scottjk)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/21/2007 1:26:54 PM

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Some great suggestions here by everyone.

I wonder if your Dom is learning your language as you are learning English. That would help significantly.

If he isn’t – Why not?!

(in reply to Aubre)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/21/2007 3:17:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: scottjk

Is it possible that you're not thinking in English that's causing some of the problem? Translating from English to your native language tends to focus you on something other than humor and missing the context. As you start to actually think in English, the communication will improve, in my opinion.

Good luck!

What an interesting way to put it....thinking in english. Because she does seem to have a grasp on the language in her writing so maybe the fact that she has to think it all out to translate is causing an issue....as well as the fact that her natural way would not be to hear english in her mind.

Also, sometimes humor can be difficult....especially if it is subtle or sarcastic humor...even those who have english as their native tongue don't get everything all the time....Humor is also in the ear and experience of the listener...what one may mean as comical another may think is dumb or lame or whatever, depending on what strikes their funny bone.

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(in reply to scottjk)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/23/2007 10:31:04 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyncherry

quote:

ORIGINAL: scottjk

Is it possible that you're not thinking in English that's causing some of the problem? Translating from English to your native language tends to focus you on something other than humor and missing the context. As you start to actually think in English, the communication will improve, in my opinion.

Good luck!

What an interesting way to put it....thinking in english. Because she does seem to have a grasp on the language in her writing so maybe the fact that she has to think it all out to translate is causing an issue....as well as the fact that her natural way would not be to hear english in her mind.

Also, sometimes humor can be difficult....especially if it is subtle or sarcastic humor...even those who have english as their native tongue don't get everything all the time....Humor is also in the ear and experience of the listener...what one may mean as comical another may think is dumb or lame or whatever, depending on what strikes their funny bone.

Or jokes that some think are funny, others feel are mean.

BDSM jokes would only baffle the vanilla crowd too. :)

Nice shoes, btw, goes with what you're wearing. :) (Nothing, I'm assuming)

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(in reply to daddyncherry)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/24/2007 8:43:19 PM

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yuyu -
First, realize that if you are getting at least 50% of what is being said, then you are doing really well. Second, there is probably a huge cultural difference which gets in the way. Native speakers have the same problem. I have a friend in England who I often don't understand. Third, he should be learning your language too - that way he can speak to you in your language, you speak to him in his and miscommunications tend to magically decrease exponentially. It seems odd, but it's true.

Finally, get into the chat rooms. Here's why. It will take away some of the pressure of talking to someone important to you. You will learn some of the slang (which is often the problem). You will learn to think and express yourself much more quickly. (DO NOT translate in your head - that slows you down and it means that you are not getting the full flavor of what is being said. Huge truths are lost in translation. You MUST think in English.). Remember, it is more important to say a lot of things and say them incorrectly than it is to say a few things and say them perfectly.

Oh, and one more thing. It's a little bit controversial but accurate. Have a dink while you are talking/writing in English. You will be more relaxed and not so nervous about speaking in English. But be careful, it can be a crutch. I've taught English as a Foreign Language for a long time and find this to be really helpful. I always take my adult students out to a bar at some point and it's amazing how much better their English is. They are not so self-conscious and so their words just fly.

Have fun and good luck.

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(in reply to scottjk)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/24/2007 9:08:09 PM

crouchingtigress

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try to get a copy of Rossetta Stone language CD rom.....it is a revolutionary way to learn lauguage...including all the little nuances.

i will never learn a language any other way again, it is so much faster and so much easier!

it is kinda spendy, but sometimes if you have a student id your school library has access.

good luck!

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(in reply to sunshinemiss)

RE: I cant catch up with his anticipation, Im so frustr... - 12/25/2007 12:43:57 PM

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If you are spening 10 hours a day, you are more than putting forth an effort. Some things just take time, and learning a lanuage is definitely one of them,

(in reply to yuyu777)

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