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What to look for in a second sub - 12/19/2007 7:22:20 AM

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I know this question has probably been asked numerous times, but I'm still looking for advice.

My sub and I are looking for another sub/slave. But the way I see poly is a "live-in" situation. This second sub would spend time with both of us simultaneously quite a bit, and the relationship would be one between all of us and not just between me and them. There would be some exclusive time, but this would not be the majority. We would probably invite her to come and live with us as well.

The problem is, I have no idea how to look for someone like this. Any suggestions would be nice, and of course you thoughts on our version of poly would be awesome. Thanks everyone.

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/19/2007 8:58:35 AM

mhawk

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From: Washington
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well, first and foremost i must say i think you went about your post the right way.add that into your profile and take it form there.

personally when i first started talking with my Lord and his wife(my Mistress), i was not looking for a poly household or much of anything at the time.I was just lost and needed to talk.my Lord emailed me from the post i had made and things took off from there.now it is drawing to the end of our thrid month together.

i find it to be wonderful.as my Lord i away most of the week do to His work,i am to serve His wife who became my Mistress.when He returns on the weekends my focus turns back to Him as it should.

all threee of us have different dynamics together but it all works of all of us in the long run as a whole.

one thing we found that helps is having an open line of communication.

(in reply to snapdragon9)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/19/2007 9:06:49 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: snapdragon9

I know this question has probably been asked numerous times, but I'm still looking for advice.

My sub and I are looking for another sub/slave. But the way I see poly is a "live-in" situation. This second sub would spend time with both of us simultaneously quite a bit, and the relationship would be one between all of us and not just between me and them. There would be some exclusive time, but this would not be the majority. We would probably invite her to come and live with us as well.

The problem is, I have no idea how to look for someone like this. Any suggestions would be nice, and of course you thoughts on our version of poly would be awesome. Thanks everyone.

If I were you, I'd be really...really patient.

I figure there's about ten couples looking for a 'third' for every single female interested in a relationship with a couple. Understand that it won't just be a matter of finding 'a sub' but rather finding a woman who's interesting to you, and who is interested in you.

Online, do searches for women who live nearby. This isn't to say you'll never meet someone a distance away; only that you shouldn't focus your efforts in trying to lure a woman from LA or New York or Tuscaloosa, Alabama. I'm not saying it never works, but I would say the odds are very bad. Efforts in meeting people locally, meeting people in your local community, and generally just being a likable, interesting person will make things much more likely. Also, dating 'vanilla' women is a good route to go; women from work, school, etc. After one or two dates, you can explain that you're involved with another woman, who's also interested in women. The worst that can happen that route is that she's not interested and you had a great meal.

The point is you're probably going to have a lot more success in attracting a third by meeting and getting to know women first, rather than seeking a woman who claims to be looking for a couple.

Addtionally, I'd strongly suggest spending some time on these message boards. I met both of my girls through them.

Regards,

Stephan

_____________________________

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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to snapdragon9)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/19/2007 9:08:00 AM

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When you go looking seek out women that are truly interested in your type of situation and not any submissive you like and try to convert them to poly. Save yourself some frustration and disappointment.

The biggest thing though that I always harp on is fully understand if you are asking for a complete relationship that you are adding a complete person then. It is easy for you and your sub to talk about wanting this and that from another. It is a completely different thing to understand and more importantly communicate with a third that you offer more then “we are just a great couple” to them. To attract someone it is not about what you want as much as what are you offering. Be able to communicate an understanding and acceptance that both of you are willing to make sacrifices for the third like you two do with each other and recognize and embrace a third comes as a full human being with all the needs, desires and complexities.

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(in reply to snapdragon9)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/19/2007 11:12:14 AM

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As someone who lives with both her husband and slave for over 8 years now maybe I can offer some practical advice.

First, be yourself and have your current partner be herself. Especially if you are thinking of eventually all living together you have to be honest about the real yous, day in, day out, sick, healthy, pissed off, scared, silly, etc.

Second, be completely honest about the poly thing. Be very wary of anyone who says "yeah I'm poly too" and wants to move in with you quickly. Everyone needs time to adjust to a poly dynamic and what worked well for us was visits moving to weekends, moving to summers, and then staying year round. It took two years to move through that process.

Third, since you are thinking of having two Ds relationships at once I strongly recommend involving everyone in any negotiations. I'd get things in writing too so everyone can have access to the agreement. You can change things as need be but this helps lessen the differences in memories that will occur.

To find people get involved and stay involve in your local scene. Look for people you have general compatibility first and then explore the Ds potential. Don't be anxious or eager. Good solid poly families usually are built slowly. In general I've noticed that my best subs and slaves came about when I wasn't actively looking, I was just enjoying life and local community.

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(in reply to snapdragon9)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/19/2007 12:31:40 PM

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HUGE TITS!!!!!

Sorry - just read the thread title and this response was too easy

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RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/19/2007 6:39:21 PM

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Yeah, I definately agree that patience and not actively looking works really well. I met my current sub (before we were kinky) while I wasn't looking at all, and it has been beautiful.

I don't do short relationships, I never have. I like to really get to know my subs/slaves/SOs. When I start to get close to them a fascination starts that doesn't really slow down, or it hasn't in the relationships in which I have been involved in the past.

I guess I love the idea of poly in that it goes against the "rules" that seem innate when we grow up, but you can break them and it works.

I kinda like little tits however...

What about things that kill the potential for poly? What are some things that you have experienced that struck you as irresponsible in starting a poly relationship, from any person involved?

< Message edited by snapdragon9 -- 12/19/2007 6:40:04 PM >

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RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/19/2007 7:31:07 PM

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This may very well be just be a knee jerk cuz I loathe the "second" label: calling or thinking of someone as "second" (and therefore implying lesser than) sucks ass.

And yeah, I'm Sir's "other" girl. Fortunately, I've not had to suffer being called his second... or factory over-run... or extra.

And I have HUGE tits!

(in reply to snapdragon9)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/19/2007 7:35:42 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: snapdragon9

What about things that kill the potential for poly? What are some things that you have experienced that struck you as irresponsible in starting a poly relationship, from any person involved?

something that really kills poly in the long term is something that really kills M/s in the long term: getting into it because it's taboo or different...it has to be something everyone in the relationship really wants...not just because it sounds fun, or for the shock value, but because it is part of who they are...that leads to the other killer of a lot of poly relationships...doing it to make your partner happy....if it is not something that will make you happy, it won't...you will be unhappy....

good luck
chelle

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(in reply to snapdragon9)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/19/2007 10:45:09 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Solinear

HUGE TITS!!!!!

Sorry - just read the thread title and this response was too easy

HAHA.
I somtimes think or passing a stupid comment because, most of the time when I get around to these forums, everyones already posted TONES of responces and there is little to be added.

Altho, I think she should have nice legs too... we should construct her one peice at a time.

(in reply to Solinear)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/20/2007 12:38:13 AM

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First, has your primary relationship been in place long enough for it to be stable? Have you had conflict yet? Have you successfully worked through drama, fighting and personal struggles yet? If not, it's not TIME to add a second.

When it IS time, ask your primary what she would like to see or have in a partner. Then, look at what you want. Then look at what both of you need. Some of this will include:

1) similar interests
2) compatibility in personality
3) knowledge that they are poly
4) mature enough to handle conflict
5) have good communication skills

Of course, these are also things you need to have in your primary.

Master Fire

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(in reply to snapdragon9)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/20/2007 2:19:12 PM

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This might sound weird, but every time my wife and I have been in that "OMG, the relationship is so *perfect*" (usually noted by others, oddly enough) place, we can't find a poly partner to save our lives, but if we're having a 'normal' relationship (disagreements with the corresponding fights that end in teh hawt sex), we have no problem and the partners always fit wonderfully into our dynamic.

The end result of my experience: Be human and find a human that you like, your partner likes and likes the both of you. I used to say the whole communication thing... but I think compatability is #1 for me nowadays. Then again... it's just another one of those items like communication or mutual attraction - 'duh' and you would do it with any relationship (hopefully).

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/22/2007 3:15:10 PM

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Yeah, compatability is important, but that word is hard to define in terms of human relationships. What determines compatability? Is it pre-determined in the persons involved? Just a few questions that came to mind when I started thinking about it. Actually, that might be another post altogether...

I feel like being patient is a good idea, and definately finding someone mature enough to handle conflict. I always cringe when my friend's (vanilla) relationships fall apart because of a conflict, and end on conflict. This bothers me because it always seems so desperate and drastic. Not to say that conflict doesn't suck, and that it can be a sign of deeper problems (such as a weak commitment or an unwillingness to compromise), but I think it might be a better idea to end relationships after levelheaded consideration, rather than arguments. Sometimes you may just be seeing each other's faults, but if you love that person, you have to love that part of them too.

It seems to me that poly means a sort of trancendance, or escape from the "normal" guidelines of sexual relationships. To be a person practicing, or friendly to, poly we seem to have to open our minds a little, past the categorization of the standard types of loves and relationships.

(in reply to Solinear)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/22/2007 3:27:02 PM

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Hello everyone,

I would like to address Master Fire's questions, if I may.

To begin with, and to answer your first questions, Ian-sama and I have been together for two years now, and have been kinky for about half a year, learning about one another and our preferences as we did. Before we became kinky we had conflicts, as most couples do, which we thankfully overcame, and adding D/s to our relationship has produced different conflicts (not more! ^_^) due to my rather strong-willed, stubborn nature. We definately have had drama, struggles, and personal mountains. We still do from time to time, but I think that will always happen.

As we get closer to people, we learn all the quirks and crazinesses that people carry around inside them, it never ends until you die. But, I do think that we are in a stable area in our relationship where our conflicts are not our primary interactions, and we can have positive, constructive growth in all areas of personal struggle. :-)

As to my feelings on meeting another person, I feel really excited about it!

I think that all the things you mentioned (communication, maturity, similar interests) are all extremely important... as well as nice tits (not so much into big as much as nicely shaped ^_^).

(in reply to snapdragon9)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/23/2007 1:51:11 AM

Surrenderwithin

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I think the most vital thing for you to do is determine what you are looking for in a secondary partner. Are these the same things your primary wants in a secondary partner? What needs would you both like to have filled by another partner? What things will you keep sacred, if any,between you and your primary?

Then be patient,make friends, communicate, and take things as they occur.
Maggi

(in reply to Shammon5)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/24/2007 1:01:44 AM

tdslittlehelper

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stop looking... that is how I came into Their lives. They stopped TRYING to find someone... Then the best thing that ever was just fell into Their laps.. (he he did you read that one Sir??)

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 12/24/2007 1:04:06 PM

MastrerDraconis

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One thing that I have to say is never give up. There have been several girls that have come close to what we have been looking for but as always "real life" steps in and either kills it or brings it to a halt.

Another thing is never give in. Figure out what you are looking for and don't lessen your standards. This will end up as disfunctional family (not as all families are perfect). I have seen friends hurt when standards have been lessened but when they are kept I have seen the relationships prosper.

(in reply to tdslittlehelper)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 1/5/2008 4:59:40 AM

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Hello,

I agree with the concept of figuring out what you want in a partner. Also, you need to figure out what you and your current partner offer a third. As someone else pointed out, there are lots of people looking for a third and very few women interested in those many spots. What makes your situation interesting or attractive to someone - remember it has to be attractive enough to outweigh the drawbacks of being a third. Be very clear to anyone you're interested in of what you're expecting and what you're offering in return.

Good luck,

Peggy

(in reply to MastrerDraconis)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 1/5/2008 6:28:30 AM

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From: Austin, Texas
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Some very good advice here and I would add to tammyjo's response is the honesty of your day to day and what ALL of your life goes on in each day. No surprises and no hidden agendas. Is this going to be a short spurt of kink or a family type atmosphere ? Is this for the long run or a few meetings ? Short live in or life ? You need to have a well laid out plan of your life with the addition already concidered so all questions she may have can be answered. How will the dynamic work each day, who does what and who doesn't, choirs, spending, working so on....It is a brand new relationship with an already established dynamic in place which is terrifing for most girls walking into it. You need be very clear and percise as to what it is your looking for.

Good Luck :)

Master D

(in reply to PeggyO)

RE: What to look for in a second sub - 1/5/2008 1:14:11 PM

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From: Philadelphia, PA
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hmm. Finding a partner for me has always been about deciding to stop looking. Its kind of funny at this point.

My only poly advice is do not move a new person into the house until you all have been together for at least a year. Don't risk the instability or rush the relationship. .

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