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How to cope - 12/26/2007 3:55:08 PM

devilacteous

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline

How do you cope when the relationship has changed? Yes, He's let it change and we're almost completely vanilla now. He has me so accustomed to a mixture that now that we're almost completely vanilla, I don't know how to act or respond to Him.

He says it is just the holidays and His work schedule has changed. He's kinda been in this funk mood. My first thoughts were that I'm not doing something I should be. My second thought was there is another that He isn't telling me about. Third thought was that He was looking for someone to replace me. He said that none of these are true because He hasn't told me that's what's going on. He just doesn't talk to me anymore. If I call outside of my call time He's very short with me. Even at my call time He's very short with me.

Do I just take Him at His word and wait it out? Has anyone else experienced this with their Dom and how did you cope?

I know I shouldn't worry and always trust that He will tell me but there's this little part of me that feels different. He's worrying me to the point that with the holidays for me, work, and not having Him to talk to about things I've found that I'm having anxiety attacks. A part of me wants to take the step back that He's taking but I know that can be considered abandonment on my part. I'm really at a loss here.

Post #: 1

RE: How to cope - 12/26/2007 4:24:36 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Is this a r/t relationship or an internet relationship? That would change my answer.

For right now, assuming it's a r/t relationship, take him at his word and just chill for a bit. Perhaps he is worried about any number of things that he doesn't feel like talking about, from being afraid of being fired from his job to finding a lump somewhere and being afraid to go to the doctor. Don't always assume when something changes that it is about YOU.

By the way, this is not specific to BDSM. This goes for ANY relationship.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to devilacteous)

Post #: 2

RE: How to cope - 12/26/2007 4:40:11 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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the holidays are hard for a lot of folks...and it is affecting in different ways.

...just something to keep in mind.

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 12/26/2007 4:41:03 PM >

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 3

RE: How to cope - 12/26/2007 4:56:37 PM

devilacteous

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline

We are real time and this is our first Christmas together.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 4

RE: How to cope - 12/26/2007 5:02:21 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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Can you expand a bit? You said you have a "call time", not something done by most people I know who are local to each other. How often are you seeing each other? How long have you been together (I know less than a year because of the xmas reference, but how long)?

Are you getting clingy? It sounds like that might be the case if you're having anxiety attacks. The more you cling, the more he is going to pull away. You want to be an oasis of calm and cheer at this time. You mentioned that he did tell you that he has NOT told you what is going on. He has a reason for that, whatever it is.

You asked if you should take him at his word and wait it out. Ask yourself what your alternatives are? Worrying yourself into a frenzy and it turns out to be NONE of the things that you feared? Driving him away in the process?

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to devilacteous)

Post #: 5

RE: How to cope - 12/26/2007 5:54:27 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Get help for the anxiety issues. As far as backing away, I can't see how you could sensibly do otherwise. He isn't there for you, he isn't allowing you to be there for him. Even if there are issues going on, that isn't the way to act to keep a relationship strong.

His actions show you that you can't lean on him. If without that facet to the relationship, you still get enough to stay, then do so. If you don't, then make your decision about what's best for you.

Unfortunately when people's words and deeds disagree, judge what they do not what they say.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 6

RE: How to cope - 12/26/2007 8:08:23 PM

Rushemery

Posts: 310
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

sometimes everyone needs space, you said he said it was none of the things you are worring about. relationships take 2 people sometimes everyone needs to look at their partner and know that they will be there but when one is all shook up all the time that just puts extra stress on the other, buy some herb tea and relax, you can calm yourself just by telling yourself everythings fine, it really is mind over matter when it comes to anxiety, if it goes on longer than a month or so something else needs done

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 7

RE: How to cope - 12/26/2007 9:52:08 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

When you talk to him, are you continually asking about his behavior or are you trying to express how you feel? The first will put him on the defensive. The second might as well, but at least you're focusing on you and not him.

If he won't talk to you face to face, consider writing him something. Again, focus on how YOU feel and NOT of what he is or isn't doing.

I also think the others posters have a point about the holidays. Some people get terribly depressed this time of year. I'd give it a month to see if he comes out of it. You can try to ask if he's feeling down because of the holidays and let him know that you're there for him if he is (assuming that you will be).

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to devilacteous)

Post #: 8

RE: How to cope - 12/27/2007 12:22:42 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

To the OP ...

It sounds like you are obsessing. When talking with him, do you constantly ask "What's wrong?" (or something similar)? Having to defend oneself against monsters created in another's imagination is tiresome and impossible. Step back, assess your own behavior (put yourself in his shoes) and make mofications as necessary.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 9

RE: How to cope - 12/27/2007 1:05:04 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

. Maybe he just needs a break, maybe he is just stressed. Not everyday in real life is spanking this and gag that. Sometimes people are stressed and need a break and need to deal with other things. Let him chill and wait til the holidays are over. Don't keep nagging him about let it go for now and readdress it objectively in a few weeks. The holidays can be extremely stressful and depressing for some.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to devilacteous)

Post #: 10

RE: How to cope - 12/27/2007 1:14:39 PM

slavemaia

Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: devilacteous

How do you cope when the relationship has changed? Yes, He's let it change and we're almost completely vanilla now. He has me so accustomed to a mixture that now that we're almost completely vanilla, I don't know how to act or respond to Him.

He says it is just the holidays and His work schedule has changed. He's kinda been in this funk mood. My first thoughts were that I'm not doing something I should be. My second thought was there is another that He isn't telling me about. Third thought was that He was looking for someone to replace me. He said that none of these are true because He hasn't told me that's what's going on. He just doesn't talk to me anymore. If I call outside of my call time He's very short with me. Even at my call time He's very short with me.

Do I just take Him at His word and wait it out? Has anyone else experienced this with their Dom and how did you cope?

I know I shouldn't worry and always trust that He will tell me but there's this little part of me that feels different. He's worrying me to the point that with the holidays for me, work, and not having Him to talk to about things I've found that I'm having anxiety attacks. A part of me wants to take the step back that He's taking but I know that can be considered abandonment on my part. I'm really at a loss here.

It's strange - one says they are submissive, yet when it's time to submit what happens? Is submission about getting what you want? Is it about alleviating your anxiety? Take Him at His word and don't keep questioning Him - it's only irritating and needy. Be an adult not a child and focus on your own life and give Him some breathing room. Sometimes we want answers and solutions NOW. You say you know you shouldn't worry - what is that little part of you that does? Is it something you've experienced before with Him or others? If so, what was the result? Did you find it was your own fears that caused your feelings, or was it the reality of the situation? It's so very easy to focus on the other and not look at what's going on within. Sometimes we make unreasonable demands on others - they back away and then in our fear we move in closer, suffocating them and making them want to move away even further. Hope this helps.

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to devilacteous)

Post #: 11

RE: How to cope - 12/27/2007 2:34:33 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

This isn't a vanilla or a d/s relationship. It isn't a relationship period. She's only allowed to talk to him at limited, predetermined times. She isn't allowed to ask for support. She doesn't get any info to be able to support him.

I'm betting he's married and that's what's with the 'call time'. Once the ums go back to school, he'll be back for his booty call.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to slavemaia)

Post #: 12

RE: How to cope - 12/31/2007 11:47:07 AM

devilacteous

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline

If he is married he's done a really good job at keeping it from me for over 7 months.

Since my post, he's told me that he thinks he's bi-polar. He's told me he wants me to leave him alone this week that magically everything is going to be ok next weekend. That's not a problem. I can leave him alone. I refuse to be that trinket that sits on the shelf and pines away for him when we aren't together. I have a life to live too.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 13

RE: How to cope - 12/31/2007 12:05:45 PM

MadameDahlia

Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline

I hate to be a downer but seven months isn't really all that long if certain rules have been in place from day one.

Do you only have a cell number for him? Are these "call times" consistent... a certain block of time each day/week? If so, it could indicate that his life is fairly scheduled and you're being fit into a time slot, bit like time share with his old bird. If you call at a certain time each day/week/etc. it may be that you're not meant to hear the natural hustle and bustle of the world behind him... kids yelling, dog barking and his wife hollaring at him that it's time for dinner.

If his call times are all over the map, but at obscure hours that could be that he's taking whatever spare moments he can grasp at to talk. He thinks ahead, knows he'll have a handful of minutes as he drives home from work on Tuesday, but he knows he's supposed to make good time on Wednesday for little Timmy's birthday party so no dawdling that day.

Also, another poster pointed out that local couples don't really have "call times" unless their relationship is highly structured. Have you met Romeo offline, while not attached to a phone? I'd say a seven month phone and internet courtship may be a bit lengthy for a relationship where both people are living within proximity of each other. If you're on a different side of the country from him I could understand it if neither of you had enough dinero for the road/plane trip. Or if you're both waiting on that as you work on getting to know each other. But if you guys live a few streets away from each other... or even a few cities away from each other... I'm thinking 'what gives?' in the back of my mind.

Do you know any of his personal information? Can you verify things potential information he's given you. I'm not saying you need to lauch an over-the-top investigation, but checking... just once, and discretely, might not be such a bad idea. If you have his work phone number have you called him there?

On the flip side, maybe he isn't married. Maybe he isn't a pathological lying asshole. Or a Lothario looking to cyber wank to the fantasy of owning a slave. Maybe he just absolutely loathes the holidays. Perhaps a family member, near and dead, kicked the bucket around that time of year. Or maybe he just hates the glitz and commercialization of the season.

I've my fingers crossed for you. I hope the only thing that's wrong with this relationship is that you've met Scrooge himself. But it never hurts to cross your t's and dot your i's. I hope that you figure out what his deal is fast enough to avoid getting too hurt.

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to devilacteous)

Post #: 14

RE: How to cope - 12/31/2007 12:07:49 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Well if he's really bipolar, then I would not continue the relationship until he is actively seeking treatment from a psychiatrist. Otherwise, you are in for a rough ride that I would not wish on anyone. And if he is self-diagnosing, that is even worse.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to devilacteous)

Post #: 15

RE: How to cope - 12/31/2007 4:08:36 PM

devilacteous

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline

Yes, He had me highly structured until He accepted mty proposal to become His and things went very nilla. The call time is a part of my training. We do talk more than just call time. We are real time and yes, I know everything but His social security number. I've met His parents. The normal nilla couple things.

Anyway, I've been told things would be better the weekend and to leave Him alone the rest of the week except the call times and talking on the phone.

(in reply to MadameDahlia)

Post #: 16

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