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MistressNoName -> RE: That word called 'LOVE' (1/2/2008 9:44:27 AM)
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ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW
quote:
ORIGINAL: MistressNoName
quote:
ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW
How about asking him if he loves you? Men sometimes can't verbalize the word love and they show it by their actions. The best way to find out is just ask.
I agree with the others who have suggested you talk to him about it. I disagree with the above approach, however, and here's why. Many people have difficulty expressing their feelings, and it could be men or women. Yes, Virginia, women have trouble in this area as well. I know this from personal experience. I grew up with a mother who literally could not say the words. And that does not mean she doesn't love me. She just cannot express it in those words. But the thing that usually happens when someone is asked outright, "do you love me?" their natural defenses kick in. they feel cornered and the pat answer that most give is a mumbled version of, "of course, I love you..." What then follows is the question, "then why don't you ever tell me?" And once that question hits the floor, it's all over. Because there is no easily rendered answer to the question, "why?" All the other person hears is accusation.
I think the better way to approach this is from the point of view of telling him how you feel and why you would like to hear him say he loves you...and try not to get hung up on the "needing" to hear it. You don't really need it, you want it. You can live without it, it just is a thousand times better to hear it. But want is different than need. And telling someone you need to hear something they may not be able to say can also set in motion feelings of guilt that ultimately may undermine what you're hoping to achieve in the first place.
If it ends up being that he does love you but has trouble expressing it in words and prefers showing it in other ways, that could be just as valid. Perhaps you can discuss some sort of compromise that gives you what you want some of the time and still allows him to fall back on his comfort zone. He may need time to get comfortable with the exercise of using those words. A lot of people who naturally use this word think just because it comes easily for them, that it should come easily to everyone, and that's simply not the case.
Anyrate, best to you and I hope things work out for the best for you both.
MNN
Yes you have a point but beating around the bush doesn't help things either. Everyone must do the way they feel is right. I am not a beat around the bush type of person. Sometimes it hasn't gotten me the answer I want but that is life. Waiting for someone to make up their mind and make excuses doesn't work for me. It doesn't work for everyone but it it has for me for many years.
What works for one doesn't for some. I posted my opinion about what has worked for me and I stick by it. [:)]
I think you misunderstood why I suggested the approach I did. I'm not one to beat around the bush, either. I don't think there is any place for it in relationships. I believe in being upfront and honest. The issue she raised is really about her. her want and her desire to hear words she is not hearing. It's ultimately up to her to deal with her issue. When approaching any subject with someone, it's always best to state how their behavior may be affecting oneself. The other person often needs and can benefit from hearing how what they do, or don't do impacts on others. And having this sort of discussion does not preclude the asking and answering of the question, "do you love me?" But the meat of the issue, is the way hearing and not hearing the words affects the OP (since she already believes he loves her). Using this approach gives her the space to state her position clearly and gives him space to respond openly.
But you're right, of course, to each her own.
Edited for spelling, grammar and clarification.
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