Collarchat.com

Join Our Community		 Collarchat.com

Home  Login  Search 

Am I overreacting?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Switch >> Am I overreacting? Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Am I overreacting? - 1/2/2008 7:57:49 AM   
Sagiwah


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Hello, Collarme. I have to admit that I feel a bit silly to be making a post such as this my first one. With that said, I'm struggling to find an answer for myself and hoping that the lovely people here can give me their opinions. Where should I begin?

I'd consider myself a switch. Well, perhaps not so much a switch.. as a submissive who is capable of, and sometimes wants, to switch. My boyfriend is a switch as well. When we first started out the relationship, he was just my dominant. And now, after exploring a bit of my own dominant side, he's my submissive as well. This is where it gets complicated.

He's sexually submissive a lot more than I am dominant. We could be in the middle of a heavy scene in which I'm submitting to him, but by the end of it he could still want to cum as a submissive. This presents a problem for me. There are times when I simply feel like.. I can't switch. Especially after a scene such as that.

That's the background. Fast-forward to last night. I had been feeling submissive and very his all day. We had planned to have a scene (roughly 3-4 hours long) in which I'd serve him personally while he was gaming with his friends. Unfortunately this was slightly derailed when I had an allergic reaction to something we ate, but.. after I started to feel a bit better, I still wanted some of those things. It wasn't as intense as we had originally wanted it to be, but the level of submission I felt didn't change during that time. He spanked me some, slapped me, had me fetch him drinks and suck his cock. Suffice to say, I thought that he wanted to dominate me.

Apparently I was wrong? After he was done playing online, he came back to bed and asked if I'd make him cum. Usually, when he asks me something like that, it means that he wants me to make him cum by talking to him dominantly and/or dominating him. This time was no exception. I was a bit.. lost. I told him that it would be difficult for me to switch, and explained why. He said that I should try, or if I couldn't, that I should talk to him as his submissive. I agreed to the latter, even though I was afraid he would try and derail it into me being dominant - which he did.

I talk to him as his submissive for a while, trying to get him off as he rubbed against me. He told me that he was getting closer, but that he couldn't cum like that. Again he asked me to switch for him, and I wanted to try, but it was like the words wouldn't even form in my head. I know this seems incredibly silly, but it was so difficult. I apologized, but told him that I didn't think I'd be able to. I felt bad, but keep in mind that he did already cum twice that day, so it wasn't as if I was neglecting him really.

I was laying down beside him and things were quiet for a few minutes. And then, out of nowhere, he slaps me. I was shocked and started crying; not from the pain of the slap - though it was quite hard - but from disbelief. I asked him why he did that. He said "if you can't make me cum submissively, then I'll have to cum dominantly" or something like that. And by 'dominantly' he meant 'sadistically'.

Under normal circumstances, though I get a bit skittish at the thought of this, it's something I'll allow. However, when he slapped me.. it was different. I felt like it was done out of anger. I felt like he was using my want - and need - to submit to him to punish me. I felt like he was doing it to make me regret not switching for him. I was actually a bit frightened of him, which is.. odd. I'm laying there kind of passively. He asked me if I wanted to help make him cum dominantly, and I nodded. So he's pinching me and whatnot. I reach out to him for reassurance because I'm frightened and he says that he "can't do it" and suddenly turns the dominance off. Completely.

And now I'm upset and confused about what even happened there. Am I overreacting? I guess I'm looking for the experience of others to help me figure this one out. I don't normally post my problems on the boards, but I honestly.. don't know what to do with this one. Is there something I could have - should have - done differently? Am I wrong to feel like he was using his position against me? Should I have switched on command? Do problems like these normally come up? If anything, all of this makes me wonder if I really have any business being a switch. I know that my submissive side is far more prominent, but.. so did he.

I apologize for how long-winded this is. *gulp*
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/2/2008 8:49:05 AM   
childoftheshadow


Posts: 458
Joined: 8/2/2006
From: London UK
Status: offline 		I hate to be the one to say it, but what you really need to do is sit down and talk to him about this.

(in reply to Sagiwah)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/2/2008 8:52:41 AM   
Sagiwah


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: childoftheshadow

I hate to be the one to say it, but what you really need to do is sit down and talk to him about this.


Oh, I realize that, and plan on doing so. That's not really what I was seeking advice regarding. I'm really just curious if people think I'm reading too much into what happened, AND.. how others deal with similar problems. I know that it needs to be discussed - I'm hoping to sort out some of my feelings before I say something stupid, though. Thanks. =)

Edited for typos.

< Message edited by Sagiwah -- 1/2/2008 8:54:17 AM >

(in reply to childoftheshadow)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/2/2008 8:59:25 AM   
childoftheshadow


Posts: 458
Joined: 8/2/2006
From: London UK
Status: offline 		I don't think you over reacted, I probably would have slapped him back! Only for the fact that it wasn't expected.

I do think that through the evening and night, a little more communication would have helped. But that's just me. My partner and I tend to talk things to death.

(in reply to Sagiwah)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/2/2008 9:02:53 AM   
Sagiwah


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		You're probably right about that, childoftheshadow. It's not that we weren't communicating at all - just not enough. If anything, in this case, he wasn't communicating with me. I did explain my difficulties, but after he slapped me.. all communication completely degraded. *frowns* I do want to talk to him about it, but it's hard to know where to start. Silly emotions. Like I said, I want to avoid saying the wrong thing -- I don't want to start yet another problem while trying to fix this one.

Thanks for your advice. =)

(in reply to childoftheshadow)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/2/2008 9:07:01 AM   
childoftheshadow


Posts: 458
Joined: 8/2/2006
From: London UK
Status: offline 		No offence to him, but I think he was very selfish in his actions. When I switched it was always clear who was in what role for the duration of a scene/day/week/whatever. You were the submissive, you were in that frame of mind, then suddenly he wanted you to stop and change just because he felt like it.

I'm sorry, but having thought about it more, his actions would really bother me

(in reply to Sagiwah)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/2/2008 9:45:24 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Im not entirely convinced he is switching from dominance to submission by what you have written,but rather - bottoming - and topping from below at that.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Sagiwah)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/2/2008 9:59:05 AM   
Sagiwah


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		That would make sense, thedark. I guess I shouldn't have phrased it as I did. It seemed the easiest way to explain it, though. I know that, when in this mindframe, submitting itself isn't really what he wants. He wants to cum from submissive things, yes, but doesn't actually want to submit. So that's a very good and valid point. It's something that I've also discussed with him before. It doesn't help my confusion regarding what happened, though -- if anything it frustrates me even more. At least if he was truely feeling submissive and wanted to be mine, I could understand it more. This, on the other hand, is much more difficult for me to understand. I've never quite got it. There are times when I want to cum from submissive things for the sake of cumming from submissive things, but I don't feel like I would press the issue if he told me that he was really too submissive to help me in that way. *frowns* Perhaps I'm not being compassionate enough.

Thanks for your insight.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/2/2008 10:00:12 AM   
Suleiman


Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		Okay. Your profile says you've been together for about two years now (and thank you for including that information, by the way. It's amazing how often little details like that never come up, but it is germain to the current thread), so this is still a fairly new dynamic (yes, I consider a year or two to be new).

When I first started dating my wife, about twelve years ago - no, fourteen years ago come febuary - she presented herself as wholly dominant. At the time, I considered myself to be a switch, but had little experience as a dominant. She had none as a submissive. As we got to know each other, our preferred roles changed. This was in no small part because we had gotten to know each other, and knew we could trust each other. It did create a great deal of friction in our relationship, and ther ewere times when I felt she was just not interested in topping me any more. It's kind of hard not to take that sort of thing personally. We worked things out. Mostly, we were patient with each other.

Now, we never had a moment like the one you described. I'd have to say, the moment something like that happens, it's time to pull yourself out of subspace long enough to call for a time-out. Among other things, I think this guy may not be doing a very good job of telling you where his head is at. I would suggest, and please keep in mind this is just me, that you need to put on your domina's hat long enough to lay down a new Hard Rule for your pet - no unexpected switching. If you've been playing in one role, he needs to give you time to switch to the other role. There needs to be some time spent talking - first him to his submissive, then the two of you as equals, then you can decide, as Domina, whether or not you are willing to accept his submission. If he wants you to take charge, he has to deal with the possibility of your refusing his request. Otherwise, he's just topping from the bottom, which is a totally different scene.

Any way, that's just a suggestion enrobed in my opinions. Hope it does more good than harm.

~S

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to Sagiwah)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/2/2008 10:11:19 AM   
Sagiwah


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you, Sulieman. I think that two years is young for a dynamic too, especially if one of the people involved is as young as I am. I'd like to think that I can be fairly mature and level-headed, but I also won't kid myself into believing that my age doesn't fit into the equation.

I think your advice is probably dead-on. Part - most? - of our problem is the lack of structure surrounding our switching. There are a lot of times when I don't have an issue switching a little to give him what he wants, but there are also times when it's really difficult for me and I'm left feeling taken advantage of. When he does submit - or bottom, as the case were - in this way, I feel helpless as a submissive and even more helpless as a dominant. There are times when I can dominate him and have wonderful scenes, but.. more frequently, this is how it goes. It makes me insecure in both of my roles, and unsure of things in our relationship in general.

I really do think that we need to set new boundaries and learn to follow them, but it will be difficult for us. I think that if we don't do something soon, our dynamic is going to completely crumble apart. I considered asking for release last night, and this isn't something I take lightly. I'm not usually one for the formality of a contract, but in this case I feel like having rules regarding switching down on paper would do us more good than harm. It certainly can't make things any worse!

Thanks again. =)

(in reply to Suleiman)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/2/2008 1:13:43 PM   
Suleiman


Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		Freely switching back and forth is a good and wonderful thing, but it's not for everyone. Just from the number of "you know why folks don't like switches" threads that crop up, that appears to be as big a worry for monosexuals as ass-play for homophobes. For the moment at least, it sounds like you guys need to set some stronger boundaries around play-space. Start as equals. Begin the scene, end the scene, leave the scene and become equals again, THEN if you're both still in the mood, begin another scene. It might be helpful to come up with some sort of signal that is clearly understood (as in sitting down and verbally saying "when I do THIS it means...") - I find the use of props and costume pieces (including simple but charged things like specific collars, cuffs, et cetra) are a good way of signally, "I'm in the mood" without nessisarily having to stop what you're doing and spend time negotiating.

My wife has a long rant regarding the myth of spontaneous sex. There are times I want to prod her with a stick and make her come online long enough to post it, but I doubt she ever will. Basically - and I am paraphrasing here - she rants that there is a popular myth that sex just happens. If we held to that idea like most Americans, our relationship would have fallen apart before we got married. We're both patient enough that if we're not "in synch", we can just wait and understand that eventually we'll be in the mood at the same time. We've had years where we just couldn't get it together, and years (like at the moment) where it seems like we spend all our time together in bed screwing like a couple of cwazy wabbits. A lot of communication problems like what you've described come from this myth of sexual spontenaity. Setting up clearer boundaries around scene-space and coming up with a few simple cues for when somebody is in the mood to play or to be played with (and yes, backing off from the dynamic the rest of the time - it sounds like you kids need to get your shit together before you can set up a 24/7 thing)  will help to mantain the illusion of spontenaity while still keeping everybody on the same page.

The collar is a fairly standard example of a simple non-verbal cue. Putting on your collar is a good way of indicating that you would like to be played with - with the clear understanding stated that this does not mean that anything will happen. (One of the vows my wife and I swore to each other back when we first started dating still holds true to this day: "Sex Is Not A Chore". Fourteen years on, and I think I can honestly say we do not take each other for granted). By the same token, a person's collar can be carried or left somewhere prominant (hanging off a doorknob, for example, or perched on the computer keyboard) indicating that someone is in a bossy mood and would like to play.

From what you've said, about cumming from submissive things for the pleasure of it, you might also want to discuss the option of topping from the bottom as part of your dynamic. If this is something you both enjoy as a selfish pleasure, it might be as simple as making that a part of what you and he get to do as dominants. Whatever works for you is fine. Just make sure to be clear about it. If you do decide to go for this option, you'll have to spend some time working on how it fits into your private scene. Make a specific act an order, not a vague request. "Make me cum" (with the unspoken subtext of "I want to bottom now") is not okay. "Slap me" or "Use a strap-on" (or whatever it is you or he is Really in the mood for, if you could get around to asking for it) is. You can be quite dominant and still be the one getting played with. If on the other hand it's more of a role thing (I'm tired of being the one in charge, you take over for now), then you need to make that part of a different scene. And yes, it's okay to use both, either, or none of the above. Just make sure everybody is on the same page.

Don't worry. You can work this all out, but it's going to take work - from him, as well as from you.

Be well.

~S

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to Sagiwah)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/2/2008 1:50:02 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Hiya Sagiwah,

Frankly, I think you know the answers to your own questions.  Accepting those answers will be far more challenging.  Here's some light on that riddle...

It sounds like, as you suggested, he's a bedroom submissive.  This is actually a lot more common with women (I've found) who are socially dominant but sexually submissive.  What's not cool, is that he's trying to 'top from the bottom' with you; ordering you to top him.  When you don't, you get the "you're a bad submissive" when in reality he's lashing out in the way that many sexually submissive men will when they can. 

Finding a dominant partner can be very challenging for male submissives.  Submissive men seem to outnumber dominant women around 5 to 1; many sexually submissive men (especially ones with strong personalities) opt instead for a woman whom they can 'force' into a sexually dominant role.  "Tie me up or I'll spank you" isn't dominance; it's topping from the bottom.

You're the only person who can decide if your relationship is satisfying.  When I read your original post and saw your age, my initial assumption was that he was probably also your age and not quite mature.  Having read that he's a fair bit older doesn't change that assessment, unfortunately.  My strong suggestion to you is that you make it clear to him that while you can switch from time to time, it's not fulfilling to you to constantly be forced into the dominant role with him and that perhaps he should seek out his desire to be sexually dominated elsewhere.  This could, of course, risk your relationship; perhaps you could seek a female dominant with him, and serve her as a couple?

Just a few thoughts.  Best of luck to you both,

Stephan




_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to Suleiman)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/2/2008 4:12:12 PM   
oliderid


Posts: 63
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline 		Well it looks like none of you are truly switch to me (yet).
Never forget that it is just a game (at least for most of us). A game is about fun. If you love someone else you want to make him/her happy/excited.

I used to have the same problem than your man (submissive, difficulties to be dominant), then to make my ex happy, I tried to play my dominant side.

It shouldn't be a drama, simply explain the things you want, because he lacks the dominant instinct. He hast to learn it. Do it slowly, keep it as game. Have some kind of a code for unexpected things in your daily life. Even if you feel that it isn't perfectly done in first days, tell him that you like it and try to guide him to your fantazy. Be positive.
After few months it worked for me.
But don't be selfish, keep in mind the things he likes. It should be both way.

(in reply to Sagiwah)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/3/2008 12:49:32 AM   
Maynard


Posts: 66
Joined: 7/15/2007
Status: offline 		What a jerk!  I agree with the above posters.  He is completely topping from the bottom.  If you are not into that (I consider what he was doing to you was pretty self-centered..coming from a man that "wanted to be dominated") tell him so and do something about it.  I wouldn't put up with that, but I'm more dominant in nature.  


Just thought I'd put a woman's two cents in! 

(in reply to oliderid)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/3/2008 12:57:08 PM   
Suleiman


Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		I find it interesting how folks talk about "topping from the bottom" like it's a bad thing. It's just a thing. Recognise it for what it is. If it's something the two of you like (and the OP did mention that she occasionally likes that sort of thing too), then consider adding it to your repertoire. Just KNOW that that's what you're doing. (Also, based on what I'm seeing here, be aware that it is not cool with everyone)

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to Maynard)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/3/2008 1:38:50 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I agree.  It doesn't have to be negative as long as it's understood and accepted within the relationship, particularly if the person is the dominant in the relationship - which is the gist I am 'getting' from this thread.  It sucks when people have a downer on a particular dynamic (like doormats or TfB )when it can work really well in healthy circumstances.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Suleiman)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/3/2008 4:29:22 PM   
MasterDoug48


Posts: 9
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline 		I know how hard it is for you both, but I feel that what you both need, is to find a Dominant that can deal with you both as submissives, that way you do not have to worry about it. I hope my suggestion helps you both, and that you both discuss it as it seems the only logical way forward.  

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/3/2008 4:41:54 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Topping from the bottom is not negative unless it is unwanted. If he is ordering you to dominate him, you are not switching.  You are a submisive being given an very difficult and possibly impossible direction. Make sure you (and he) see the difference. If YOU arent the one wanting to switch then you aret being dominant. You can ACT dominant, you can bottom from the top, but its still not your switch.  If he wants you to really be dominant he has to wait for you to be into it as well. Otherwise, its just being childis and stomping his foot when he doesnt get to cum the way he wants to.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to MasterDoug48)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/3/2008 6:21:36 PM   
Sagiwah


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I've read all of your replies and apologize for not responding to them sooner. My laptop doesn't seem to be liking collarme very much right now. A lot of you had good advice - some I will make use of, some I probably won't for one reason or another. It's a complicated situation, and I thank everyone for taking the time to read a rather long-winded post.

It's not that I mind topping for him sometimes, or that I disregard his wants and desires completely. It does bother me when he tries to order me into topping him, however. So in this case, yes, it is unwanted. I don't feel like it's something a submissive should be ordered to do, but if I don't do it.. I feel like I've failed as a submissive, all the same. As for finding another dominant to work with us, that would be extremely difficult. I'm relatively straight, and have absolutely no interest in submitting to a dominant woman. He's slightly bi, but our tastes in men differ greatly. I don't think finding someone to suit us both would be possible. *frowns* It would be very difficult, in the least, and I'm not sure if it would help the relationship more than it would damage it.

Ultimately we'll just have to try and work through it. *smiles a bit*

Thanks again!


(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Am I overreacting? - 1/18/2008 10:13:59 AM   
RavenOak


Posts: 34
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: OKC Metro
Status: offline 		Personally, I could not bottom from the top or top from the bottom.  I do not easily switch between roles either.  I am either Domme or I am sub.  My ex and I would sometimes switch during a scene but, it seemed to flow smoothly for both of us.  If the one on top wasn't in the mood to bottom or the one on bottom wasn't in the mood to top then it didn't happen.  The scene continued as planned.

I would have been just as hurt and confused as you were in such a situation.  As one other stated...I might have slapped him back.  LOL.  Sub or not, you are a human being.  You have every right to feel the way you do and think the way you do.  If you are not able to switch at the moment he ask you to he should respect that and move on.  If he is not capable of respecting your needs as well as you respecting his..perhaps a change is greatly needed.

Just my two cents worth!

_____________________________

Flattery will get you every where my dear!

(in reply to Sagiwah)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Switch >> Am I overreacting? Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2024
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.859