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I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/4/2008 10:51:42 PM

MissNicole123

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

Starting out I mean no disrespect by this post what-so-ever to anyone on here. I'm just confused I suppose. I put on my profile Submissive, which is something I want to be. I do. I've read through posts on here, I've read research and I just don't know what it is I want. I'm not looking for an answer - nor am I expecting one obviously because this is something I have to figure out myself, I just maybe am searching for a couple answers.

I've always been the spoiled - get everything I want walk all over men type of girl. I've never had someone say no to me, and that bothers me. I guess it's because I'm so use to having everything done my way. Yet I still have this desire to have someone take control, make me feel weak and small and tell me no, tell me when and what and where. I'm not going to lie I've always been a "brat" but now reading forum's I've come to the conclusion that people REALLY don't like that word. I'm just not sure if this lifestyles for me. So my question basically is.. I want someone to control me, I want to please someone and not have them please me. I want someone to show me that I'm not the strong one, to be obidient, to mold me I guess you'd say.. is this, what I want, in this lifestyle?

Thank you..
nicole

Post #: 1

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/4/2008 11:03:46 PM

darkpassenger434

Posts: 138
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

I'm fairly new myself so take what I say with a grain of salt. It seems that you may be a little overwhelmed with the whole LIFESTYLE thing. Certainly there are things in this lifestyle that you probably don't want, but there are likely things that you do as well. Lifestyle is a huge label and everyone's experience is different. Some folks prefer the whole "brat" thing. I would suggest looking at those things you want and trying to seperate fantasy from what you want in real life. Only you can do that. From there get a conception of what you want YOUR lifestyle to be, if that lifestyle intersects with a lot of things related to THE lifestyle then great. If its closer to vanilla then theres nothing wrong with that either.
-R

PS - a final word of caution. Should you decide that this is for you. Look for someone whos lifestyle resonates with the one you want, not just someone whos in a labeled group you wish to join. This is different for everyone.

_____________________________

"The man who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the man doing it."

(in reply to MissNicole123)

Post #: 2

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/4/2008 11:38:42 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissNicole123
make me feel weak and small

In my opinion, if this is what you want, you're looking for an abusive relationship. A Ds or Ms relationship should empower you, not make you feel weak and small, psychologically. Yes, you can be empowered by being made to feel this way physically...which can be hot...but as an affront to your psyche, I don't think it's a good idea.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MissNicole123)

Post #: 3

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/4/2008 11:42:21 PM

MissNicole123

Posts: 12
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

Not weak and small so much as just, I want to feel more that I don't have to worry I guess. Like I'm being taken care of I have someone who's stronger then me, someone who can mentally handle me? Someone who I can share the fantasy's with because I'm very much into other things. And Abusive No, I'm not all that good with Pain, which comes with this naturally but I'm still not good with pain.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 4

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/5/2008 3:20:09 AM

takenbyjohnr07

Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Exactly, also my relationship with my Owner is not about pain. It's about love, trust, caring and making his every desire come true. In turn i get all my desires filled also. It's a two way street.

_____________________________

i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 5

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/5/2008 5:14:36 AM

Vanatru

Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline

Getting some life experience will help. Try out a variety of things. Get involved with a local group. Along the lines of what darkpassenger said, don't get tripped up by the lifestyle thing. Explore and find out what you like (whether it's consider "vanilla" or "bdsm" or whatever), what makes you feel fulfilled, find your bliss and follow it. You have your whole life before you, enjoy the journey.

< Message edited by Vanatru -- 1/5/2008 5:15:53 AM >

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

Post #: 6

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/5/2008 5:46:11 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

No, pain isn't required. I'm not into pain but instead into bondage, so I specifically looked only for bondage tops. I'm also a little bratty. Which is a fun game.

What I've found is that once you find a good relationship with a strong man who won't allow you to push him around, is that you don't need to brat anymore. If the reason you were doing it was to get a response, then once the rules are set (assuming they work for you), you'll settle in and not need to keep testing.

But it's natural for strong women to test in the beginning simply because anyone can claim they're dominant, but that doesn't mean you'll respond to his brand of dominance.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Vanatru)

Post #: 7

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/5/2008 6:19:11 AM

RoughFN

Posts: 197
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

The whole "brat" thing depends upon the people involved. Me? Personally? I hate it. Somebody that's going to constantly push back and test and be difficult just for the sake of being difficult and then wink and nod and say, "Gee, sorry master" and back down is just not for me. Training that behavior out of someone is one thing, but having to put up with it long term is something else. Not for me.

That's not to say that it isn't for some people. Some guys prefer the challenge of someone that's always resisting and questioning them. Some guys like having to push harder because they know when they've gotten you to comply that they've accomplished something. Anyone can walk all over a doormat, but topping a brat takes work.

Remember, though - just because you're forceful in "normal" life doesn't mean that you can't be submissive and small in scene. My girl is pretty tough as nails in the real world. She easily addresses and handles most people and situations around her. She's tall and intimidating and gets what she wants.

But with me she just melts and submits. Sure, a big chunk of her personality is getting her way, but it doesn't even exist when we're together. She really likes that, actually, and was surprised at the change in herself when she's around me. Other people might see her away from me and expect her to be bratty when we're together, but she's not in the slightest.

My point is just that you should first decide how you think you'll be when being topped - a brat, or docile. Nothing wrong with either, just figure out which one you think you want to be. Note - this may change at a later date, and that's fine too, just start from somewhere. Next, find someone that wants to work with that type of person. If you're going to be a brat, don't contact me, I'm just not interested. If you want to be trained to be a good little girl, then I might be, depending upon how you act. If you want to be a good little girl right now, then I'm probably interested. And so on. Varies by person, like all things, and YMMV.

Finally, you asked if all of this business is for you. Well, who knows? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. You sound like you want this sort of relationship, but you're going to need to find someone very specific. If you want to feel small, you'd better pair up with someone you can really trust who really knows what he's doing or you're going to get really badly hurt. Maybe you'll even do that and discover that it's just not in you and this whole thing remains a fantasy. That's fine, too. It's not like you have to act on every fantasy you have. Sometimes reality isn't as exciting as we'd like.

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

Post #: 8

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/5/2008 6:32:05 AM

Elorin

Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline

MissNicole, what you want can certainly be found within the realms of power exchange and BDSM. While perhaps you won't want to be made to feel small and weak, if you want someone who will make you feel SAFE being small and weak, it can be found.

Sassy attitude is great, depending on how it is used. If it is used to talk back, resist, and refuse to obey, I'd probably walk away. If it is used to be playful, is used with respect, and can be conveyed with a fun attitude without challenging the one in power, it's the kind of person I love to have around, especially submitting to me.

No one expects you to want everything that you see in and around the BDSM world. And just because you might only appeal to a small percentage of the BDSM world doesn't mean you don't belong here. We are a BIG variety of people. Don't stress if some people don't like brats - not everyone hates brats. Be patient.

~E

_____________________________

'cause when i look down /i just miss all the good stuff / when i look up / i just trip over things

(in reply to MissNicole123)

Post #: 9

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/5/2008 9:17:17 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

Give subbing a try - nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you don't like doing it, stop. It is really nice to feel safe to feel weak and small and it is also really nice to find out that not everyone will let you have your way. It feels good.

But upfront with any potential partners about how you feel and what you hope to accomplish. Let them know you don't have sub experience so that your potential Dom has something to work with and knows how to guide you (and just as importantly, how not to guide you).

I'm excited for you. Good luck.

(in reply to Elorin)

Post #: 10

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/5/2008 9:53:41 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I've always said- a slave can do whatever they want, as long as they get permission first.

I understand the desire to feel small, it can be quite delicious, the desire to finally feel like you do NOT have the upper hand, that you are NOT responsible, that you can just let go and stop playing the games.

But are you willing to stop playing the games?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 11

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/5/2008 2:31:25 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissNicole123

Starting out I mean no disrespect by this post what-so-ever to anyone on here. I'm just confused I suppose. I put on my profile Submissive, which is something I want to be. I do. I've read through posts on here, I've read research and I just don't know what it is I want. I'm not looking for an answer - nor am I expecting one obviously because this is something I have to figure out myself, I just maybe am searching for a couple answers.

I've always been the spoiled - get everything I want walk all over men type of girl. I've never had someone say no to me, and that bothers me. I guess it's because I'm so use to having everything done my way. Yet I still have this desire to have someone take control, make me feel weak and small and tell me no, tell me when and what and where. I'm not going to lie I've always been a "brat" but now reading forum's I've come to the conclusion that people REALLY don't like that word. I'm just not sure if this lifestyles for me. So my question basically is.. I want someone to control me, I want to please someone and not have them please me. I want someone to show me that I'm not the strong one, to be obidient, to mold me I guess you'd say.. is this, what I want, in this lifestyle?

I mostly think you're looking in the right place here. The only thing that gives me pause is your age combined with the fact you say you have a history of getting virtually whatever you want.... People used to getting their own way, esp the young who probably haven't earned what they receive, tend to get bored easily and are habitually looking for something new to try.... And I'm definitely prejudiced about a teenager's ability to make informed decisions.

Still, I'd be more concerned (even alarmed) if you came here with that age and history and looking to present as a budding Dominant.

Frankly, I don't see the harm in exploring your likely submissive needs and tendencies beyond the difficulties of finding a suitable and respectable dominant who wouldn't be tempted to just teach some spoilt brat a life lesson. When conducting your search, perhaps it would be prudent not to mention your history of getting your way until *after* you've hooked up with someone suitable.

Focus.

(in reply to MissNicole123)

Post #: 12

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/5/2008 4:27:50 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

But are you willing to stop playing the games?

Ohhh, yeah. That's the million-dollar question there. The games can be difficult to stop. Hell, they can be difficult to even spot if you've been playing them long enough. Good one, LA.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/5/2008 5:11:09 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

And I want homemade chocolate chip tollhouse cookies with walnuts. Hope we both get what we want.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to MissNicole123)

Post #: 14

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/5/2008 5:51:30 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

But are you willing to stop playing the games?

Ohhh, yeah. That's the million-dollar question there. The games can be difficult to stop. Hell, they can be difficult to even spot if you've been playing them long enough. Good one, LA.

Seconded, or thirded, or something. You may think you want someone who won't put up with your bullshit, but when you meet a guy who says, "do what I want or get the fuck out", will you opt to stay, or leave, taking your games with you?

As a dominant, there is this interesting tipping point every new D/s relationship must go through. It is the point at which the submissive must let go of the "upper hand." Itis the point at which the dominant must let her know that she is his, and he will not let her be his if she keeps playing the games.

Not every dominant can do it...some fall in love and let that love override their dominance. They end up in relationship where the sub really is the one who is in charge...just like they have been in all of their previous relationships. The dominant has to be willing to risk it all and the submissive has to be willing to give up the games. It doesn't always work out...but when it does, it is rather amazing!

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 15

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/5/2008 6:25:19 PM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissNicole123

So my question basically is.. I want someone to control me, I want to please someone and not have them please me. I want someone to show me that I'm not the strong one, to be obidient, to mold me I guess you'd say.. is this, what I want, in this lifestyle?

Hmmmmm....

No

There, now you've had a man say no to you.

Seriously, as LA has already pointed out, you may have some game playing to give up. You are undoubtedly spoiled, used to getting your own way, used to manipulating men. What do you suppose you'll do when you actually find yourself in a situation where that doesn't work... and what's more not only does it not work but those wiles, those manipulations, that pretty smile, those batted eyes end up getting you into more trouble?

Here's one more question for you to ponder. Alright, so you're a bit of a brat and you want someone willing to deal with that, discipline you, mold you, give you boundaries, someone to take care of you and make you feel safe. Ever consider what you have to offer said person to make it worth their while? If you think, well, you'll offer yourself, your body, they get to have sex with you... guess again... you're not that special. Can you be a good companion, carry a conversation, can you cook, can you be helpful or useful? What exactly do you have to offer someone besides those pouty lips?

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to MissNicole123)

Post #: 16

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/6/2008 3:07:45 AM

mysterygirl

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline

omg, so cute. u remind me of myself when i was ... 13. hee hee!

but really, you will know when you find your soulmate when you no longer want to rebel against him. you will crawl over broken glass to be with him and the very thought of dissapointing him will be a knife in the heart. and yes, there is someone out there who would adore a little bratt from time to time and still be able to put you in your place. just make sure to work on yourself so you have something great to offer in return for such greatness.

there's a lifestyle to work towards.

(in reply to Padriag)

Post #: 17

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/6/2008 4:06:53 AM

MissMorrigan

Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

I have talked with many D/s couples in which S & M was not an inclusion in their relationship, focusing purely on the power exchange. Exploring your submissiveness does not mean you have to be subjected to S & M.

My own boy has been rather spoilt his life, insofar as only having himself to focus on. He's learning very quickly how to work within a disciplined structure to his life and sure he finds it difficult, so do I on occasion, b/c he's not pandered to and in the grand scheme of life, he is pretty small - but then, so am I. As another poster said, life experiences are important to give us other perspectives and see life beyond the curves of our own arses, and you'll find what fits you best once you have a wealth of experiences to help you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissNicole123
I'm not all that good with Pain, which comes with this naturally but I'm still not good with pain.

(in reply to MissNicole123)

Post #: 18

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/6/2008 5:26:07 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

You say you're not sure what you want... and then you say you know what you need. Then, you talk about "the lifestyle". To me, that's such an empty phrase. Not yours - in general. There is no such thing as "the lifestyle", as it pertains to BDSM. I think it probably came about because there are so many people trying to emulate books they've read, and had to find rules and a name. In truth, any style is a lifestyle, and you fill yours in the way you want. If you want to be submissive in your way, go to it, find a playmate / partner, and "roll your own". That is the nice thing about BDSM - you build it the way you want it, together, it is a trust relationship.

And while I appreciate your doing research on the subject, this is not a science, and there is relatively little academic research available on the subject. Any other information you will find on the Internet is tainted by the fact that 98% of it has been written by wannabees, much like the Book of Gor. The people who write these long essays are, for the most part, people who fantasize about it, and there has been a proliferation of them since the PC came down to $300 ($200, if you can live with :Linux). I am always amused when I talk to someone who says they're active in BDSM, and are in a D/s, or whatever, relationship - and hey have all these writings, etc. And then, when you check, they're online, chatting, writing, mailing, 20 hours a day, seven days a week. Well, guess what - they only relationship they have is the one with their PC. If you're a sub and you're in a D/s household, you're not on the PC, you are on your knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, or sucking master's appendage. Not on your PC, tawkin' 'boutit.

So, do something constructive - write out a list of aspects of the way you want to live. A simple checklist, nothing too elaborate - remember, if you need more than a short sentence to describe something, it is a construction, not a definition. Not a long list, either - just the main ten points, so you and your dom have something to focus on, on the door of the fridge.

Then, find an amenable, mature dom, and go live that life under him for a week. Two, if you can. Then, go back to your normal life. Once you're settled back in, take the list and make any changes that are needed, now that you have actual experience, you'll find that some things don't work the way you thought they might. And then you go back for more - if possible, to another dom, so that you don't just get the one perspective. Think about it as reviewing potential long term doms. Make sure you sign a contract with each dom, ahead of time, both of you being able to stick to rules is an important part of BDSM. Even if you mater decide you don't want rules - this is how you find that out.

Do this is many times as necessary, then settle on a dom and a life and go to it. Best of luck - and remember to have fun!!

menno

-----------------

Trixie: That's right Ralph, Carlos is teaching us the mambo.
Ralph Kramden: Ohhhhhhh, Carlos is teaching you the mambo... that puts a different light on everything... when I first came in here, I didn't know what you were doing... now I know, Carlos is teaching you the mambo... that makes a world of difference... One of these days, one of these days... POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!

(in reply to MissNicole123)

Post #: 19

RE: I'm not quite sure what I want.. - 1/6/2008 8:06:15 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

Start by going to local munches and attend some play parties don't make any commitments right away, this way you can learn what some of the kinks about also it will provide you with a network of friends,you can also learn about things like safe calls, safe words/actions. I highly recomend you do not just turn yourself over for a week or 2 when you are just brand new to some so called mature Dom as Antipode is suggesting, as that is a good way to end up getting yourself into some serious trouble if you have no idea what you are doing and have no clueas to how judge Doms as being safe and sane
here is a link for munches look under the calendar for ones in your area
http://ehbc.ca/

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 20

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