pangaia
Posts: 45
Joined: 8/20/2005 Status: offline
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I left my career behind a few years ago to devote myself fulltime to exploring the meaning of what this lifestyle and it's mysteries meant to me not just me as a person, but as a student of sociology, philosophy, spirituality, psychology. I had spent many years mastering myself and my career, until I attained every goal I had ever set for myself. I assumed by the time I had reached that zenith, i would have found the ultimate dark lord to study from, to obey in carrying out his work int he name of the Goddess. The longer i searched and the more i learned about the fabric of our world, the higher up the ladders of power I ascended, the more sure i was that the creature i sought out did not exist in human form as a male entity. he was only a figment of the imagination, a throwback or a leftover from the time when the goddess ruled, a convenient bottle to place many feminine forms of power and hunger.. of spirituality and intelligence. Nevertheless, i continued to strengthen my mind and my spirit, hoping instead to find a woman who either was or had the desire to become the manifestation of the goddess. A female creature perhaps that would have the knowledge, insight or force of will to launch a revolution of sorts using the myriad technologies and knowledge I had spent a lifetime mastering. At worst, i thought maybe I would teach such a woman to manifest her own potential, and she would be able to use me the way a samurai wields a sword, to carve her way through the world. As the son of revolutionaries from the sixties, i had always been sharpened into such a thing from before I can remember. Eventually, i began to realize that I was alone, there was no army of revolutionaries all waiting in the wings to start the offensive. they had retreated to suburban life, to getting their Masters Degrees and PhD. They had retreated to their Volvo's, whether black or white, communist or Black Panthers, the armies of American Revolutionaries were not hiding and waiting in the wings to be united behind any voice, they were not waiting for any weapon made flesh. And among the many revolutionary parents and children I knew, I was the only one who focused day and night relentlessly for action instead of outrage. By the time I was 19 i had abandoned the racial issues, i had abandoned the focus on America, even politics. From 11 on I had been mastering many spiritual forms, many martial arts. By the time i was 13 I had discovered the Hite report and began to understand more of the tapestry of male female relations on this world. By the time I was 22 i had realized that perhaps there was no dark lord to find, to serve. By the time I was 27 I had mastered as much of myself as i could, i had achieved every fantasy I had, bought every item, passed every challenge, destroyed every enemy, lived on almost every level from homeless in the worst slums in this country to having 100k plus salary and being number one in my field. On the eve of my promotion to VP at a huge corporation (with no degree at all) I quit.. i left.. I left my wife.. my life.. my family.. i vanished. I wrote a book of pain and longing. My first and last work of art. Just a collection fo thoughts. A hollow and empty howl into the world describing who I was and what i sought. http://www.postpoems.com/memebrs/heru I wandered the world for the next several years, knowing now that what i was searching for must either be made, created by my own hand or that it was me. My personal life, family, friends, career, hobbies, had all fallen by the wayside years ago. from my point of view, we the devotees in some misguided way of older forms of love and body worship.. older forms of devotion.. were the last of a culture in balance.. and the world was slipping farther out of whack.. I decided to master further seek to perfect myself. to gain more strength.,. more power.. in the last two areas... absolute physical strength and absolute financial strength.. And learn enough about the things i didn't know to be able to use those things and my 169 IQ to actually accomplish something, carve out a world for me and my brothers and sisters to live in. To devote more time to mastering mySELF. In my point of view, every being that is a potential master is basically a potential servant to the higher forces in the universe. After years i had figured out what I should do with myself. I had figured out what I think the universal meant to do with me as a weapon in it's/her hand. So I started a company, and i started creating what would eventually be a collection of projects in art, science, and technology. the first project is an adult themed Massive multiplayer online Role Playing Game called Underworld MMO. (http://underworld.wecometoplay.com or http://www.neopangaia.org/nation). That game will be sort of a small money engine to finance the other projects I have designed and started (A series of small movies, a TV show, art projects, a couple novels). In order to prevent the chance of failure due to outside forces, i spent the last few years learning and mastering the skills needed to do everything myself. Just in case... And after everything was finally unveiled and put into place (http://www.neopangaia.org) and planned out for the next couple years, I went to go find investors. that process was annoying.. frustrating, and i knew I would give up too much control and dilute the project(s). So, finally, I reentered the corporate world I left behind, and now I have a 2 year contract worth $70k a year (after taxes) to use to fund life and the various projects. I am less than a year away from completing the beta of the MMORPG. But I have another 600,000 words of content to create (dialogue, item descriptions and the like). luckily, i write well over 25,000 words a day.. easily.. but ... I am missing ONE thing to finish this massive project which will eventually result in a totally autonomous company/island. one that ON Ly employs people in the BDSM lifestyle, one that creates art, technology, media, and entertainment related to or sprung from that inspiration... The muse, the slave, the full sub who personifies the hunger to capture to devour to absorb which has fueled this whole process.. the source of energy I will feed on for the next years as i fed on my own devotion the last half of my life. I am at a turning point where I am released from my bondage and servitude to a goddess.. an idea. I must let go of that search for a a dark mistress or Lord to follow. I have sharpened the sword of self as far as it will go in that capacity. Now I must wield mySELF to carve a way for the 50 or 100 people I plan to provide a life for.. an escape from caring about this vanilla world. a new nation over time. So here I am at collarme.com looking for Her who would have me as her master. This one who seeks to perfect himself and strengthen himself only in action and service .. bound by a private war for freedom for himself and as many others as he can take along. But it all starts with the devotion of ONE. In the meantime, while i search for HER... I write and practice writing. I know I have another 600,000 words of dialogue, items, fiction, and non fiction.. to go before the game is finished. After four years of working on it i am on schedule still and less than a year away from launch. I am happy and confident. But i want that last piece. To know that I am still on the right path, to release this intensity and focus in some way that serves MY soul. I tire of being just a hunger a weapon.. Not even recognized. Simply pouring more and more of myself into the IDEA .. the manifestation of a strange creature.. Second guessing that i am doing what is urged of me.. that I am doing what the dark lord I sought would do if he were flesh and blood. There is only my own flesh and blood and intellect to manifest what i think He/She would. So I search and practice and wait.. I know that my vision will be more clear once i step through the last door. Once i step through the life and awareness of a slave into the unknown that hides within her own darkness.. and she through mine. I have no idea if that answered you question. So, with that said... Ummm... What topic would you like next?
< Message edited by pangaia -- 8/29/2005 9:23:29 PM >
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Remember, no matter where you go, there you are. The one is the reconciliation of all opposites
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