TexasMaam
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A commendable existential post.
Named after Leopold Von Sacher Masoch, a novelist from 19th century (1800's) Austria, the practices of "Masochism" were taken from descriptions of men deriving sexual pleasure from 'abuse and torment' at the hands of dominant women in Von Sacher Masoch's works. Named after the Marquis de Sade, the practices of "Sadism" were taken from the descriptions of his 18th century (1700's) novels.
Sigmund Freud's theories, circa the late 1800's, were based more on the activities described in both sets of novels, which were in great debate in Freud's social circles at the time, than they were based on actual case studies.
It is commonly understood by mental health professionals that Freud, in his studies of sociopathic personas, defined S/m as a negative, unhealthy psychological/mental/emotional disorder.
Many mental health professionals today hold the same view.
In essence, Freud was right. S/m denotes aberrant behavior, with regards to social norms, in a world where social graces extoll other values as virtues.
Sadism and Masochism are personality disorders.
The key in finding our own happiness as BDSM practitioners, then, lies in our ability to choose partners whose disorders compliment our own.
Freud never experienced S/m; he only mused upon the subject then wrote definitive opinion on the activities.
Today one would have to separate Sexual Sado Masochism from Non Sexual Sado Masochism (Moral Masochism) in order to fully consider the mental psychological and emotional aspects of the sado masochistic act. The two are not one and the same.
Further, one would then have to differentiate between
- harmless S/m 'play acting' that many of today's S/m practitioners act out
- from the more hard core self scarring S/m addictions that more serious players engage in
And both of those light to moderate S/m activities are still a far, far cry from
- the self destructive, harmful, pathological damaging S/m activities
- that either leave the hapless victim permanently damaged
- or in it's most extreme pathological episodes, leave the victim dead
Masochism is, simply stated, a need to suffer. Freud believed that Masochistic tendencies resulted from destructive fantasies turned against the self.
Moral masochism can be defined as that which involves the need to suffer without being accompanied by sexual fantasies.
Had Freud ever experienced the ethos of endorphin overload from a non sexual BDSM session, had Freud ever experienced that 'high' we call 'sub space' (which is what motivates those of us who engage in the practice to repeat it), he would have developed a far more in depth psychoanalysis of the phenomenon (used here because I dislike referring to WIITWD as a 'disorder'.)
Sexual masochism is sexual pleasure being derived from abuse and torment at the hands of another.
Your post seems to me to be a cry of craving for the 'moral' or non sexual masochism that your spirit craves; it also seems to have sexual connotations so that both aspects are an integral part of your personality.
The desire to be destroyed and re created as a new, improved, fulfilled being is the very essence of the masochistic persona, and is an honest outcry from the depths of a soul that most wanna be submissives would fantacize about but rarely ever give voice to.
It's not much different, really, from a Catholic (and I was raised Catholic so I make fair analogy here) yearning to die and be born again in Christ, the evangelical storm to surrender one's self, one's life, one's resources, to Christ, to be reborn as a new, improved, fulfilled being. Yet, the Christian belief of dying and being reborn in submission to Christ is not generally viewed as a mental disorder in and of itself. Surrender and rebirth is, in fact, a theme that runs the gamut of religious, social, political and economic mores in today's world.
You are the one who decides to what depth you will pursue that longing. You choose whether to pursue it to a healthy acting out of your desires by choosing a partner who will follow the path of S/m while leaving your inherent spirit intact, or not. You choose, at your own peril, whether to abandon all reserves and jump into the pit of total self destruction in hopes of emerging like a shining phoenix from the ashes.
A perilous task, that, fraught with real and ever present danger.
Go safely, choose wisely.
*You would enjoy some of the newer treatises on the S/m phenomenon, we've come a long way since Freud. You might want to read the works of Richard Webster, author of Why Freud Was Wrong: Sin, Science and Psychoanalysis, 1995 available at most University Libraries in the Psychiatry/Psychology sections, or order it online. It's an interesting read.
TexasMaam
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Too bad I've about 5 books waiting for me to read or finish reading as it is right now. I'll have to add it to my list of things I'd eventually like to read to help me better understand myself when other things are less pressing. 
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