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Amaros -> RE: Confused (1/13/2008 3:02:45 PM)
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There are two basic forms of consent: implicit and explicit. Implicit consent is when you make your move and they just don't say no, informal, while explicit is just what it sounds like, formal and stated for the record.
Implicit consent, of course leave the door open for misinterpretation - "they say no when they mean yes" was conventional wisdom in the past, understandable if you reason that yeah, women like to have sex but no, they don't necessarily want to have your baby, or suffer any of the other consequences that women are at greater risk for. Things being what they were, this state of mixed feelings was often interpreted in light of strictly self serving motives my men.
Today, legally, by law, no means no, while fooling around is often handled informally, if you want to take it to the next level, to keep things on the up and up, some discusssion of limits should ensue, and a safeword chosen, which is a form of formal consent.
Things being what they are, what usually happens is that play escalates to the point that implicit consent is withdrawn: this may be verbal or expressed with body language, etc., and here is where the rubber meets the road, it is at this point the top is obligated to either desist or obtain explicit, formal consent for further action, utilizing his/her considerable charm or any other means short of coercion: coereced consent doesn't count, and failure to either obtain formal consent or coerce consent technically creates liability.
Again, a lot of people handle it informally, particularly in Vanilla relationships, but presuambley the people involved in BDSM are adult enough to state their limits explicitly without "ruining the romance", or whatever it is.
If the whole atmosphere thing is important to you then it largely becomes a matter of subtler verbal and visual cues, body language, eye contact, etc. Some rape victims claim to "choke up", i.e., they have difficulty verbalizing their objections, and so if you're playing with a new bottom and she isn't saying anything but appears totally terrified, it might be a good time to ask her if she's OK.
Technically, anyone under the influence of alchohol or narcotics may be deemed incapable of granting consent, even if consent is granted prior to intoxication, again, typically handled on an informal basis, for better or worse. Moreover, alchohol is known to interfere with the ability to read body language, and interpret visual and verbal/tonal cues, which is one reason alchohol is involved in so many incidents of violence, sexual or otherwise.
Naturally, the whole business is rife with grey areas, and by far the best approach is a reasonable amount of getting to know each other, so that both formal and informal aspects can be incorporated and defined to your mutual satisfaction, negotiation - which sounds pretty legalistic, but can be accomplished conversationally.
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