WarriorKitten
Posts: 6
Joined: 9/1/2007
Status: offline
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I wrote my version of O/our story on another forum. After reading it, He decided to add His version. This the combined tale of O/our story that came out a lonely Saturday night on CollarMe. His portion is between the stars.
It was a lonely Saturday night, September 29th, and I was crying because my friends were out having fun and I wasn't invited because of some drama with one of my friends husband.
**
It was the loneliest of Saturday nights. I'd been tormented for months over what I'd grown to believe was a gulf yawning between my true and total self, and the self that others could accept and be comfortable. Let's face it. For my entire life, I'd always played rough. I'd always played best and most at games in which people got hurt. When I wrestled with my brothers, it would be to submission from pain, and I would always win until nobody would play with me anymore. In my adult life, similar themes were played out. I'd come to realize that I had a dark side, or what most people would term a dark side. Which is to say part of my personality thrived in conditions conventional wisdom termed abhorrent and undesireable. I'd attempted to compromise by concealing, to actively suppress in hopes of finding closer bonds with people, but none of it had worked. It seemed a problem that could not be solved. I couldn't compromise enough to be accepted without feeling I'd concealed my true self. And when I revealed my true self, I tended to lose people.
I'd recently been on a mini-vacation with my best friend, during which he and I had the sort of conversation which I believe must be commonplace between married 30-somethings and their unmarried friends. Frankly, he reminded me, and he was justified in doing so, that if I didn't start to form attachments soon, there was a real possibility that I'd miss the chance. I replied to him, very candidly as one can only be with best friends (and relatively anonymous internet forums) that I didn't know if the person existed who could understand me fully and still want me in her life. It was a despairing moment for me. I truly felt I was faced with having to accept the possibility of a life alone and unconnected.
Then he made a surprising recommendation which I initially rejected laughing. He commented that despite my not having any particular connection to the western arts, I'd decided out of the blue to purchase an expensive whip, and intended to spend hundreds of hours mastering it. He commented that as long as he'd known me, I always played rough. He reminded me that my last several relationships with women either involved me hiding my dark side, or me finding that my dark side drove people away long before I even felt I'd fully expressed it.
Now, I should mention that my best friend is something of an alternative lifestylist himself, long having lived the swinger life with his wife (and though there isn't a huge amount of overlap, swingers are at least aware of us and more likely to understand us, and vice versa). He told me "Source, you might be surprised, but somewhere out there are people who *love* to play rough. They're called masochists. You really ought to get online one night and post your profile."
I assured him that I certainly would NOT. I was just a guy who liked to play so rough that nobody would play with him. I was just a guy who felt he couldn't be complete unless someone accepted his terrible darkness, that he felt a thrill from inflicting pain and felt no true trust could be established without it. But, you know, I wasn't a SADIST or anything.
And then a few weeks later I found myself alone on a Saturday night and I thought to myself, Source, your best friend knows you better than anyone else. He's known you since you were a boy. He knows more fully all the aspects of your personality than anyone else ever has. And he's typically right about you, even when you don't want to admit it.
So admit it I did. I posted a profile and I told the truth. I wrote that I was absolutely new, but at the same time I had been who and what I was since I was very first aware of myself. I wrote that I had given up on relationships that didn't leave room for the dark side, since without that I was not complete, and if you love everything but that then you don't love me. I wrote that, and then I posted it, and then I waited.
As all of you who have been on BDSM dating sites must surely be already aware, I was rewarded with a whole bunch of messages from a whole bunch of losers. Certainly there were one or two gems among the mix, people who helped to welcome me and interact with me and make me feel like I truly wasn't sick and truly had found people who understood what I felt, and for them I was grateful. But I hadn't found anyone I wanted.
And on a lonely saturday night I found myself on the ragged edge of giving up. Thinking that sure, I'd encountered some nice enough folks, but being both very new and very self-assured in my certainty that I was simultaneously very extreme, I once again began to resign myself to being too much. If even *these* people recoil when I tell them how I really feel, I must really be bad news, I thought.
It wasn't just dating and loneliness about which I was near giving up. The aggressive side of my personality hadn't just been suppressed and unwelcome in my romantic life, but in my *daily* life as well. I'd suffered with insomnia for a *decade*, because in the night my quiet and long-suppressed darkness would rise up to argue with the rest of me. It was an awful "I must" "but I can't" "but I must" "but I can't" inner dialogue that due to factors in my living situation and my workplace relationships simply felt as if it would tear me apart. I just didn't feel like I was one person. I felt like I was bifurcated, and the halves didn't get along. They weren't partners. They weren't even friends. The light had hidden the darkness away for so long that the darkness was starting to get pretty frustrated.
So I was literally seconds away from giving up, signing off, and facing what I increasingly believed would be a future of unhappy suppression, lacking fulfillment, and deriving loneliness and alienation. I knew I was a good person. I'd strived my entire life to be kind, generous, thoughtful, selfless, useful, supportive, accomodating and sweet. But I also wanted to hurt people for fun. I despaired.
And then, just as my pet was herself thinking perhaps not all was lost but certainly a great deal had been, and just as she was taking one last look at what might have been, I hit the "Who is looking at me" button. And I saw my kitten.
Her profile was so open, so candid, so brave. I felt vaguely honored just to know there were such people in the world. So I sent her a message and simply said Hello.
**
About 12:30 am, I was on CollarMe and I was about to sign off when this handsome man popped up on the screen. I went to His profile and found Him intimidating. He professed to be an extreme sadist with an affinity for single tail whips. He claimed to be new but His profile was extremely eloquent and very specific. I wasn't in the shape to make any connections that evening and bypassed the profile. He had put His profile on three days prior and was about to sign off possibly for good when He clicked the 'who's viewing me' section. He saw me and said simply 'Hello'. He was kind enough and I answered back to Him. Then He began asking me strange questions like 'what is around you?' 'what do you hear?' etc. He pardoned Himself for His curious nature and I felt compelled to answer these questions because they were innocent enough and frankly I was intriqued by Him and totally attracted to Him. I stated that I had my cats around me, I had a beer and a bong next to me. That I was listening to music and the television was on mute.
**
My questions were somewhat calculated. It bothered me the way people interacted. It seemed to lack candor and intimacy. I sought to establish myself in her immediate circumstances, so that in a way I would be there with her, wherever she was, in her mise en scene as it were. I didn't want the usual rigamorole. I wanted her to extend me that tiny measure of trust, to show me through her eyes what her place and moment were like. I was certainly aware that it was not the usual line of questioning. She responded with such openness. It was immediately comfortable and it felt like we were placing ourselves in the same scene, in a sense.
**
He replied 'why does someone with such a nice face seem so sad?'
**
She seemed really sad. I can't put my finger on exactly what it was, but I was reading it loud and clear, and it seemed like such a shame. What was such an intelligent, interesting, warmhearted woman doing alone and sad? It just didn't seem right.
**
I told Him it was a long story. He said 'I have long ears.'
**
This was a total line. My ears are not long :)
**
My reply was, 'if I tell you I will cry'. The next message I got was 'call me and cry' with His phone number.
**
I sensed such utter authenticity in this stranger that I immediately felt a sense of caring for her. If she was sad, I wanted to comfort her. Call me and cry, I said. Like, I accept you in your dark moments. If you are brave enough to believe that it's possible for a stranger to care, then I am here and I'm ready to care.
**
I contemplated calling this stranger in the middle of the night and took a chance. Well I called and I cried and told Him the long story of why I was so sad. I laid it all out there. And He told me of Himself, so poetically, so unsure of Himself because He had been supressing this sadistic side of Him. Before long, W/we were laughing and hours had passed U/us by.
**
This was one of the best conversations I think I've ever had. She was so incredibly brave to open up so totally. I was deeply honored. And I knew right away that this was a person who showed so much trust that I would dishonor her if I didn't find my own bravery, extend my own trust, and share with her my innermost thoughts, secret desires, and the feeling of utter strangeness I had in this mysterious new world I was entering. And we got along so well! We both began the conversation feeling very blue and very much alone, and we finished it comfortable with a new friend, laughing naturally, and at peace. It was simply wonderful.
**
W/we made plans to meet the following day.
**
I need not remind you that we both live in New York City, and meeting strangers in New York City is simply, as they say, "Not Done." Yet I had no doubt that if she called the following day and hadn't changed her mind, I would keep up my end of the bargain. I was strangely not nervous as I traveled to meet her. I joked that she could have been waiting with five goons to get my wallet, but what I really felt was, "I'm on the way to meet my friend."
**
W/we did and it was amazing. W/we talked so close and walked and He showed me His snake whip. I asked Him to whip me and He wouldn't.
**
She didn't really know what she was asking for :)
**
He wanted to show me what it could do so W/we went outside and He showed me some tricks.
**
I was a little self-conscious and clumsy and made a few mistakes, which she chuckled at. Nobody's perfect :)
**
Back in the condo, W/we were back to talking. On His way out, I asked Him why He was scared to whip me. I took His 'NO' to be fear. But He was not afraid at all.
**
She had indeed made this offer, which was both courageous and very generous, and I did indeed decline. She took it to be fear, but it was really excitement, thrill, and a little bit of first-kiss jitters. I repeat, nobody's perfect :)
**
And for the first time, He laid approximately 15 neat lashes on my forearm. Around the 5th last, I just mouthed the word 'wow', it was so intense.
**
Hahaha "mouthed." She gasped that. Shivers went up my spine :)
**
It was the first time He had ever used it on anyone and I for sure had never been whipped before. The feeling, the bond, the trust was palpable.
**
It was indeed. I'd read a great deal about this bonding trust that can take place, but I'd never experienced it.
She has somehow failed to mention what in my recollection is the most important thing that happened that evening. We had a very long, very candid conversation about what I felt and why. It was the first time I'd ever opened up to anyone so fully. I confessed to her that I felt at war with myself, that I felt I might be sick, and that I was increasingly certain that nobody could ever love me. Then she said, with her beautiful eyes looking into my face to openly and so sincerely, "... I'm a masochist."
It was eye-opening! For the first time, despite everything I'd read and all the interactions I'd had previously, I felt it resounding through me, this magic, this wonderful connection, this thing that is a sickness only when it can't connect to its counterpart - and when it CAN! When we connect to our counterparts, we are accepted the way we can be in no other way. We each give to the other what nobody else can, and take what we can get nowhere else. I'm a monster without her, and an angel with her. She's a monster without me, and an angel with me. It transforms! It heals and it completes and I could see it for the very first time. With that one simple utterance she made everything clear to me. I lament that nobody can love me, she reminds me that only a special person can. She laments that nobody can love her, because she's so open and so accepting and doesn't care if she gets hurt, because that's the strength of her emotions and her spirit and everyone just seems to take advantage and abuse and disrespect it. Nobody can love me, because I'm sincere and caring and true even if someone gets hurt, and everyone just rejects and disrespects it. We each feel nobody can see the real us, and in that one phrase she showed me how nobody can see it, *but each other*.
**
I adored Him and accepted Him when no one before me ever had and He brightened my day and told me all the things in me that others saw as flaws, He saw as great sources of strength. That anyone who said I was sick, did not see my heart. And He was right, no one had ever truly saw me, but He did. On O/our way to drop Him off, He put His head out the window and whispered "thank you god".
**
She is completely wrong about this. I did NOT whisper that. I rolled down the window and I SHOUTED that. And I kept shouting for like three weeks or something.
**
In the car before He left me, He asked if He could touch my welts. I obliged and a shiver when through my whole body.
**
Me too.
**
I invited Him to a DSF meeting at Paddles and a spanking demo for approximately 3 or 4 weeks later, so W/we had a definate date. In the meantime, W/we were in constant contact via email and phone. W/we'd stay up until 2 am sending emails and then W/we'd have something to say quickly and W/we'd pick up the phone and talk...say goodnight, then wind up emailing over and over again. This went on for two weeks. He confided in me that He didn't want a girlfriend. W/we were instant best friends. Over the course of O/our correspondence, W/we discovered that W/we had the same favorite movie 'TRUE ROMANCE' with Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette. For those of you who don't know the story, it's about two lonely strangers who meet in the night and fall in love. The next day they get married and get matching tattoos with each others names-Clarence and Alabama, on thier abdomen. A cherub with wings and a scroll. The endure enormous strife and see each other through to the end. It's the most romantic movie ever.
**
I knew for a fact that no matter what happened, even if she moved to Tibet and I never saw or heard from her again, the revalation of what we shared would be on my soul forever. There are things you simply can't un-realize. I felt that what had been a fracture in my spirit was suddenly whole, complete, the two halves of me working as partners at last.
Oh, and lest I leave out one important detail, for the first time in ten years, I could sleep. I kid you not. My nights of torment were over. Since the day I met her, I sleep like a freaking baby. It's the most amazing thing. I sleep. I sleep feeling whole and content and at peace and, if you pardon what might seem a minor conceit, ever so slightly enlightened.
**
Over the course of this time, He had a dream of me, in which He was on the subway, at the door and He saw me, with dark wings and my purple hair calling Him to me, showing Him the way to freedom. Saying 'this way' and pointing for Him to follow me. He took this as a sign.
**
This bears a little elaboration. In my dream, I was on the subway, on rails, going through the bleak routines, from point to point, get up, shower, go to work, work, get back on the train, go home, order dinner, go to sleep, wake up, shower, go to work. And in the middle of this bleak routine, some idealized version of her just *materialized*. And at the next stop, she rose, and stood by the door, and pointed, as if to say "THIS way." And in the dream I said to myself, if I follow her, life will never be the same. I can stay on this train and go to the same places I go every day, day in and day out forever. But if I get off this train and go with her, things will never be routine again.
You can guess what I chose.
**
Two weeks after O/our first meeting, He said 'Hey, wouldn't it be funny if W/we got Clarence and Alabama tattoos?' I laughed at Him. Yes, it would be funny. W/we had made plans to go to a nice dinner and walk and talk and spend an afternoon together. On His way to me, I sent Him a text saying I called my tattoo artist friend and made U/us an appointment. He was shocked. W/we went in and had the artwork drawn up. W/we flipped a coin to see who would go first...It was me. I sat through the tattoo and we finished up quickly. Then it was His turn. He wanted His with dark wings, purple hair and a pointed finger just like His dream. He got it. And passed out halfway through the procedure. I ran like a good submissive and fetched Him some gatorade and chocolate so His blood sugar could come back up. W/we didn't think He could go through with the rest of the tattoo but He soldiered up and suffered through the remainder of the tattoo like a trooper. W/we were shocked at O/ourselves. What had W/we just done?
**
Maybe *she* doubted if I could go on, but I never did. I should mention here, in an attempt to salvage my ego, that I'd been dieting and I'd skipped dinner the night before, and in our haste and excitement we'd skipped breakfast and lunch also, and it was at this point around 5 in the evening, and, well, what do you want from me. Don't get a tattoo if you're already feeling lightheaded. You might pass out and then you'll be embarrassed.
**
Soon, O/our paddles excursion was approaching. He came to help me get dressed and W/we agreed that I would get a proper whipping prior on my back and ass
**
I don't know *where* that came from. I didn't whip her ass that afternoon. In fact, I'd never seen her ass at that point. And I wouldn't. Until later that night :)
**
since I was wearing a corset and short skirt. W/we did that and the bond it created was astounding. I was, at this time, His new pet.
W/we had a great evening out to dinner, at Paddles for the DSF meeting, the demo and watched my friend do some serious needle play and asphixiation. It was amazing to watch and all so new to both of U/us. Shortly afterward, W/we made O/our way to His neighborhood bar for Mojitos and some appetizers. He instructed me to find a table and order the drinks. Well, the mojitos did a number on U/us. Before long the sexual tension was too much to bear. Up in His apartment He kissed me for the first time and sparks flew.
**
I seem to recall they flew about four times and they were still flying when the sun came up.
**
That weekend, I became His girlfriend in addition to His pet. The whippings have gotten much more severe,
**
Define "severe".
**
only securing the trust W/we instill in each other and securing the love and devotion W/we have for each other.
This is a lengthy but beautiful start to a wonderful endeavor W/we are embarking on together. I am now His beloved pet and girlfriend. W/we are making plans for the future, which looks quite bright. Personally, I have had my medications lowered and am significantly less anxious. Hardly depressed.
The sun rises and sets in His eyes. W/we are soulmates and I cannot wait for what the future will hold for the both of U/us.
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