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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/17/2008 1:06:46 PM

subtreat4u

Posts: 58
Joined: 1/3/2008
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rubberpet
Thanks
That is pretty humerous (big fish - bait) lol
Appreciate your support
It is nice to hear you say you think the women like me.

jim

(in reply to rubberpet)

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/17/2008 1:14:30 PM

BabyDollVanIsle

Posts: 103
Joined: 10/27/2007
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*hugs to subtreat4u*

Honey, it's normal to have these kind of intense, emotional feelings as you seek your first Mistress. Just realize as you get out there, talk and email to more people, you will start to get a little more perspective on the whole thing, and not take each email contact and interaction so personally and intensely.

but hey, i know how scary and vulnerable it is to reveal your weaknesses and vulnerablities and get rejected based on them.

then, you meet the right person, who can accept your limitations, and you realize it wasn't anything with you (everyone has limitations and imperfections), it was you just hadn't found that right person yet.

baby doll

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/17/2008 1:19:55 PM

subtreat4u

Posts: 58
Joined: 1/3/2008
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wow
overwhelmed by the show of support

single meeting, and into a realationship
no but this is when i would have liked to discussed PTSD,
plans for future.

LadyHibiscus
Thanks sorry to hear of your depression, medications.
I sympathise with you.
By the way, thank your brothers for me, and welcome them home, if you are close.

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/17/2008 1:24:46 PM

subtreat4u

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Joined: 1/3/2008
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baby doll
thanks i appreciate your words of kindness, and compassion.
Your advice is taken to heart.

Compassion, understanding, and kindess
This you would think would come from every one, especially those that are well educated

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/18/2008 4:22:33 AM

subtreat4u

Posts: 58
Joined: 1/3/2008
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I would like to express my views on what I have read here, and more so what I herad, and learned.

I withdrew my membership this evening (subtreat4u)

I awoke after a horrificly vivid nightmare at 3am, I remeber evrey detail.
(full blown PTSD flashback)
I have not had one of these for some time,
Awoke nearly standing up, covers torn up,off the bed, sweating, heart racing short shallow rapid breathing.

Normally I would just awaken heart racing, sweating, rapid shallow breathing
(normal PTSD distressed awakenings).

What was said here, to me over the course of this encounter with this lady
may have prevented an incident of unknown consequences from happening

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to address these.

LadyHibiscus "I do hope that you don't decide to quit the site entirely", "PTSD problems and abuse issues are especially important---someone could trip your trigger totally by accident and where would you be then? Both of you would be freaking out for different reasons". "I'm not sure what it is you gave up to this woman over the course of a few conversations or emails, but you might want to take a look at that, too. Did you say anything out of line?" "I understand that mental health issues are a big deal to you---as person stoked to the gills on antidepressants, believe me, I know! But, this is the kind of thing that is a dealbreaker for a LOT of people in a lot of different situations." "I don't want to leap on my soapbox, I will just say that BDSM relationships involve a far greater level of intimacy than many (most?) vanilla ones. Your daily life---not a secret. Or shouldn't be"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LadyHibiscus I was ok I thought, my counselor thought this also, should have no problems
.
With the insight, and wisdom you have concerning PTSD you truely got me to thinking, this is why I quit the site.I came to the conclusion I am not Well enough for this.
Thank You !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- GoddessDustyGold It sounds like you have some emotional and mental stability issues. They are quite understandable given the brief history you are sharing here, but these sorts of issues can also be scary for an outsider. You also have a lot of education to get after so that you are more prepared for this lifestyle, and the many aspects of it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------GoddessDustyGold

You are right though I hate to admit, I am not Well enough for what this lifestyle has to offer, or require.
Thank you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BabyDollVanIsle but hey, i know how scary and vulnerable it is to reveal your weaknesses and vulnerablities and get rejected based on them. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BabyDollVanIsle
You understand the issue of vunerlability , weakness, and rejection, or fear of.

Thank you
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thetammyjo I understand it was a thrill to have someone interested in you but you want the best people interested in you and I think she's shown that is not the case. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
thetammyjo

You do not know how true what you say is.
I know how damaged I was, but no one else did until I would let them know.
To catch someones interests this was above any thing I can describe, it made me feel whole.

Thank you so very much.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last, and surly not least
The Men
pixelslave, RoughFN, Politesub53, rubberpet,
I have not felt so much Esprit De Corp since I was in Recconasaince !

You Guys are Great Thanks

Jim

(in reply to rubberpet)

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/18/2008 6:50:28 AM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
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You're welcome, subtreat. I'm glad we could offer you support, advice, words of wisdom, and a place to vent your frustrations and concerns. You seem like a nice guy who should have no problem finding a domme that would be a great match. We're like a family here...most are really nice and caring and others are locked in the basement because they tend to embarass themselves when company is around. LOL

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/18/2008 2:54:27 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Le Sigh. I hope we averted a disaster instead of scaring someone off! It took me many many years to get myself out of Rescuer Mode, and I will always be a caretaker personality, so I feel like I have to reach out just because...

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/18/2008 5:04:35 PM

subtreat4u

Posts: 58
Joined: 1/3/2008
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To my surprise I am still a member even though I deleted my account yesterday !

I was wanting to log on, and tell a woman how,
it was so nice to have talked to her, to have met her,
and hoped in no way I had hurt her feelings in any way.

Planned on going to see her, she wrote to me on my private email,
I was incredibly happy it was the best thing in the world.

I realized right away how far apart our two lives were .
She has been in this lifestyle 15 years, I no time.
I wanted to know about her, if we were compatable.
She wanted to know of my experiences, if we were compatable.

Thanks

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/18/2008 10:50:48 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
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From: Arizona
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Well, according to My records you are deleted as to your profile. Thank you for the lovely email, to which I could not reply as it did state the user was no longer a member. If you can read this, I do wish you the very best, and hope you find your way.

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Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/19/2008 4:03:51 AM

subservienttou

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GoddessDustyGold
You are very grasious as well as kind to say these things to me.
To attempt, to respond to me was, and is something i will
I will hold dear.
Thank You, with my deepest sincereity i say this.
The mailing i sent was true, to heart.
i had all intentions of following through.
As was stated letter was written, if not for this event i would have.

If it were not for the responsibility i felt, to those that were so kind i would not have come back
to tell them how deeply i appreciated the advice i received.

I left here with deep regrets, and sorrow i was amazed upon opening the sites page
i was able, to come in and post.

When i read this i knew i had to act on the words that were spoken here.

Lady Hibiscus "I do hope that you don't decide to quit the site entirely", "PTSD problems and abuse issues are especially important---someone could trip your trigger totally by accident and where would you be then?

honestly i thought i could hide, or defuse these mechanisms (triggers)
i believed a woman would in no way would set them off, nor would've i thought this life style would.
Surprise.
Just feeling like i was being pushed into answering was enough.
It was done with little to no effort.

With the greatest respect Thank You

jim

< Message edited by subservienttou -- 1/19/2008 4:06:28 AM >

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/19/2008 7:36:31 AM

laurell3

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You can still hang out on the boards while you work on you and wait on a relationship. Just a thought, do what's right for you of course and only you know that, but you can get some support and laughs here. We're all damaged goods hon, it's just a measure of degree and how it comes out. You're not alone in being frustrated or having issues.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/19/2008 9:56:06 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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I do hope you decide to hang around and participate. It's a big world of kink, and you can find your place in it within your limitations. We all have our stuff, as laurell2 points out. Put your profile back on active so I can write back!

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/19/2008 10:50:05 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
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Sorry, this is going to come across as harsh, but any self-proclaimed dominant woman who disregards your health and welfare as being less important than her when the two of you have not even met should go piss up a rope. Is this what you want in your life as you pass beyond the half century mark, subtreat?

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Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/19/2008 11:00:14 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtreat4u

Up date of this relationship
As Sad As I Am,
It ended with "good luck" this morning in my mail box.

I am angry, hurt, devastated, worse of all I feel abandoned and betrayed .
I opened myself up, let her in where no one else is allowed.
Gave her my trust, power, and sense of conrol.

Does not matter, it was my mistake to trust her.
Being real, if she is not woman enough,
to deal with a loosing a minute or two of sleep now,
and then, or take the time to understand I am better off without her !

I tried to explain to her I have Non Combative PTSD from a rape in service
as well as from an explosion that happened during a radio transmission of mine,
which accidentally killed the Lt., and mortally wounding a Sgt.
as they were setting a demolition charge.
I live with these, especially Sep-Dec, this year it is into Jan.
I tried to explain to her nightmares, anxiety, panic attacks.
Dr appointments, medications.
That this does not efect me all day, every day,
but have troubles at times.

You grew attached over what were three benign and rather uninteresting emails proposing that she meet you? (I'm going on what you said the content of the emails were.) It didn't appear that she made any promises to you, nor anything overtly emotional or extravagant, yet you're "devastated" by her disregarding your health and well being, impatiently demanding that you present yourself for her review. It feels to me as though your emotional investment far outweighs what her commitment to you was deserving of.

I am going to make a strong suggestion to you. Find a kink friendly therapist and do some work with them before you invest time and emotions into this BDSM endeavor. Like a boy I recently was trying to work with, you're only causing harm to yourself and those around you in trying to do this when you're still in this obviously fragile state. There is a list of kink aware professionals on the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom -- http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/mainlist.htm

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/19/2008 2:37:08 PM

Boondoggle

Posts: 123
Joined: 5/16/2005
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quote:

I came to the conclusion I am not [yet] Well enough for this.

I took the liberty of correcting your previous statement. Don't write yourself off. If this is something to which you are drawn enough to engage in the community here, I strongly suspect you're not going to find satisfaction without it in some measure. I was with someone who had been dealing with PTSD from years of childhood sexual abuse from her father. She had been working on it for ten years when we met and, while it still affected her somewhat, we had a meaningful, intimate, intense year and a half relationship. I'm working on issues of my own as well.

Everyone has baggage. Do what you can to lighten the load, and look for someone who's baggage goes with yours.

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/19/2008 6:45:34 PM

subtreat4u

Posts: 58
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You all are so wonderful to me.
Feel as though there is hope, and love all of you who care about me as broken as i am !
Thanks.

Plan on not fleeing again ! (Fight or flight response)

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/19/2008 9:14:14 PM

subservienttou

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/18/2008
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Thank you for the reminder that nothing is beyond repair.
Broken is a temoary condition !
Your confidence in changing what i wrote is a wonderful message, of support.
Thank you for the reminder

Thank You All

I was fortunate enough to have Found a Lady before, this one wanting an interview,
who i had spoken with, she answered my email, tonight i asked her to accept my request to continue talking
to her, and look towards the future, for growth.

i believe my instincts are correct about her.
Her answering my mail is a huge step.

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/20/2008 11:38:41 AM

pixelslave

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subservienttou,
I'm glad you stayed as well. Like others here, I also have PTSD from experiencing childhood sexual abuse, but no longer have flashbacks or the substantial problems you seem to have. One very highly effective treatment that was developed for this illness, initially working with Vietnam Vets, is called EMDR.

If your therapist is not treating you with it, I highly recommend you locate one who is trained in using this form of therapy to help reduce your anxiety and the symptoms you have. You can learn more at http://www.emdr.com/. As an FYI, it was originally done using only visual cues to the eyes, but they've since discovered that it also works using alternating sounds to the ears or vibrations applied to the hands, etc.

- pixel

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Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/20/2008 12:57:34 PM

subtreat4u

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pixel
Thank you for your continual support, I thought of staying away, but will not accomplish anything
if my response is always flight, it is so much easier. (fight – flight response)

Sorry about your childhood, abuse that really is unfortunate ,and infuriates me . Being raped as a man, is devastating, but is not like when it happens to a child destroying their lives as well as their innocence. I will never understand how, and adult could have the nerve, or audacity to do this to a child.
Happy you were able to get over this, and have a sound life.

That is encouraging to hear your story.! The VA has talked to me about several treatments, EMDR is one they have not done. There is a VA PTSD/MST (military sexual trauma)
program at Bay Pines FL. only one in the US for men, min. 12 months wait to get in. I was on the list, but some reason never went paper work was not sent, and was sent local to Puget Sound VAMC (Veterans Affairs Medical Center) Medications for nightmares, anxiety, ect… Seems to be SOP (standard operating procedure) When I went in to a VA PTSD program the answer was to medicate you to a state of non functioning seemed like. Thanks for the information, and always making me feel welcome. Jim

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RE: boundaries in D/s M/s - 1/20/2008 4:40:49 PM

pixelslave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtreat4u

pixel
Thank you for your continual support, I thought of staying away, but will not accomplish anything
if my response is always flight, it is so much easier. (fight – flight response)

Sorry about your childhood, abuse that really is unfortunate ,and infuriates me . Being raped as a man, is devastating, but is not like when it happens to a child destroying their lives as well as their innocence. I will never understand how, and adult could have the nerve, or audacity to do this to a child.
Happy you were able to get over this, and have a sound life.

That is encouraging to hear your story.! The VA has talked to me about several treatments, EMDR is one they have not done. There is a VA PTSD/MST (military sexual trauma)
program at Bay Pines FL. only one in the US for men, min. 12 months wait to get in. I was on the list, but some reason never went paper work was not sent, and was sent local to Puget Sound VAMC (Veterans Affairs Medical Center) Medications for nightmares, anxiety, ect… Seems to be SOP (standard operating procedure) When I went in to a VA PTSD program the answer was to medicate you to a state of non functioning seemed like. Thanks for the information, and always making me feel welcome. Jim

You're very welcome for the information Jim. I'm a bit surprised (and yet I'm not knowing the politics involved when it comes to funding) that your nearest VA facility isn't providing their therapists with that kind of training. The mental heath care system in our country is sadly lacking in a number of ways, but this isn't the place for me to climb up on the soapbox about it. I'll only say that finding competent mental health care practitioners trained in helping someone with specific kinds of symptoms isn't an easy task.

I truly hope you're able to find the kind of help you need to make your life much more enjoyable. You owe it to yourself to do what it takes to make that happen! Don't let those who invaded you, along with the horror you experienced while fighting for our country, take all the pleasures in your life away from you. If you do, they've "won" by continuing to take far more from you than anything you remember happening in your worst nightmares and flashbacks.

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