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switch + sub = ? - 8/28/2005 11:37:11 AM

tedibare

Posts: 54
Joined: 8/24/2005
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hey, for the switches out there...

my situation is this: i am prolly 90-95% sub, my husband is switch with strong sub leanings... he is learning to be more dominant for me, but i dont know if i CAN become more dominant for him.... the things he wants me to do, i dont know... is there something i can do to make myself more dominant? i know its what he wants *sigh*

help

tedi

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RE: switch + sub = ? - 8/28/2005 1:14:20 PM

dominmd

Posts: 474
Joined: 6/27/2005
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First, I think a discussion would be in order. Communication is key for something like this.

Second, these things take time. Patience is in order.

Third, read some books. There are many folks here that know more about the books than I do, especially since I have read none of the published works to date, only online stuff.

Fourth, sometimes clothing can get people in the frame of mind that they seek. Even handling specific toys can put a person into a dominant headspace.

Fifth, possibly consider asking another domme/dom to instruct you both.

In the end there is no quick cure except communication between you and your husband.

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RE: switch + sub = ? - 8/28/2005 1:22:58 PM

tedibare

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actually we've talked about it alot... im not particularly good at communicating face to face, but ive been getting better(i think)
patience i know... lol something we both have been working on(geeze seems im workin on alot of things isnt it?)
we have actually been talking with people in the rl scene i have several friends who i have talked with but being that they are subs as well, its not something they can really help with... ive been looking at alot of the books, does anyone have any book in particular that might help?

*nods* to the toys/clothes issue... i know that the few times i have been able to be even slightly dominant was when certain outside items were involved...

the Dom/me issue we've talked about and even investigated.... its finding one who would accept us and fit with us thats the problem...

thanks for the advice tho *smiles*

tedi

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RE: switch + sub = ? - 8/28/2005 2:27:57 PM

firefey

Posts: 144
Joined: 1/25/2005
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ok, first let me ask you a question. do you like it when you wear a hot little outfit and you can see the desire in your husbands eyes? do you like the charge that gives you? do you like the feeling of power that gives you? that's what being dominant is. that feeling of power.

i don't know what kinds of acts your husband is looking for, but understand that if you are just going through the motions, he's the one dictating the scene. and if that works for the both of you, great. but if what he wants is for you to be dominant in your head as well as in your actions, you have to decide if you want to go there. and then you have to tell him to shut it while you get there. akasha used to have a great article on her site, but now it seems to be inaccessable. but she might be willing to send it to you if you e-mail her. www.akashaweb.com is the site address.

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RE: switch + sub = ? - 8/28/2005 7:48:53 PM

dominmd

Posts: 474
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OK good, you are on the right track then. Firefly has asked some great questions. Do you like that desire in the look of his eyes? I know my eyes become wild and naughty when I see my girl dressed up, knowing she did it for me. Have I any clue as to whether she is going to tie me down and go to town on me? That is what puts me in my sub space. KNowing she has me and she controls me is what drives the sub in me wild.

If you are working on a lot of things, slow down and maybe stop and resolve one thing at a time.

The right Dom or even a Domme is a needle in a haystack in this lifestyle. The best Dommes and Doms to ask are here on these boards. Since you are a female sub, may I suggest posting on the Mistress boards. Those Dommes there have years and years among them in experience.

And yes, most definitely contact Aakasha for information. I have been to her site many times, and she seems very genuine to me as does LadyAngelika (hope I spelled it right).

So keep at the patience and talking, things always have a way of finding their own level given time.

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RE: switch + sub = ? - 9/5/2005 5:55:23 AM

fastlane

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You'll need a total make-over.

You must convice yourself that you are Dominant!

Try wearing all black, get a new tattoo (somthing very masculine, like crossbones and knives in it), put a flask containing whiskey in your purse and take shots when you need a shot of courage, roll up a pack of non filtered ciggarettes in your sleeve, spit every now and then between sentences, use the F word frequently and lower you voice an octave or two......WaLa...you are on your way.

Good luck Ma'am!

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Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

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RE: switch + sub = ? - 9/7/2005 12:20:13 AM

Ojedieu

Posts: 142
Joined: 1/17/2005
From: Michigan
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tedibare

... is there something i can do to make myself more dominant? i know its what he wants *sigh*

help

tedi

Hi tedi,

I know a couple where the sub occassionally tops the Dom because he enjoys being the bottom on occassion. She's obeying his wishes by topping him, hence she's still submissive to him -- does that make sense? Just knowing that what she is doing is pleasing him allows her to enjoy topping him.

Now, I agree with what a former poster put out there -- that if he wants you there mentally too, that is a matter of becoming a Domme, not just topping. You could, however, start with topping, then when you get more comfortable with the actions, try exploring the headspace of domming too.

Good luck! :)

< Message edited by Ojedieu -- 9/7/2005 12:23:05 AM >

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Ojedieu

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RE: switch + sub = ? - 9/18/2005 10:36:36 PM

tedibare

Posts: 54
Joined: 8/24/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: fastlane

You'll need a total make-over.

You must convice yourself that you are Dominant!

Try wearing all black, get a new tattoo (somthing very masculine, like crossbones and knives in it), put a flask containing whiskey in your purse and take shots when you need a shot of courage, roll up a pack of non filtered ciggarettes in your sleeve, spit every now and then between sentences, use the F word frequently and lower you voice an octave or two......WaLa...you are on your way.

Good luck Ma'am!

*looks at fastlane incredulously, and busts up laughing* lol gee thanks... i sorta needed that... lol must go get hunky male tattoo, take up smoking and spitting... uh huh, lets see what else? *laughs* yer such a silly... lol

tedi

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RE: switch + sub = ? - 9/19/2005 12:46:44 PM

Lahstarr

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/1/2005
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How to be more dominant.

Well, if you are a dyed in the wool sub....that might not work. Have you considered having another dominant do the D/s and you two keep your sex life to yourselves?

As far as the D/s is concerned.

I find a sub using formal protocols and methods of address, can put me in Domme space, or stoke me staying there. Clothing helps, ritual helps a lot.

If your husband likes you to be more dominant, he could take the lead and be more submissive. What would you feel if you came home and he greeted you at the door, naked, kneeling at your feet, with his/your favorite flogger in his mouth?

Make him ask permission to sleep in the bed.

Think of certain ways of being pampered that would really work for you...pedicures are nice.

If you don't like face to face negotiations, put him on his knees facing away from you, you stand behind him and interogate him on what he likes, expects, is willing to give. You could also use a hood on him if getting facial expression and creating anonymity would make conversation easier.

Do that play another time, so it is unexpected and you have time to plan and create the mood, for you, and him.

I agree with the poster who spoke of topping as service. Dominance is a different space tho.

Another place for information is some of the yahoo email groups. They have some really nice email discussion groups with real life folks. I have found a lot of good information on real issues there.

There are some good books on this, at the moment I other than recall what they are. If you can look up masquerade books, (out of print, but may have some of them out there still) they had a number of good titles in the past. If I recall the title I will post it here.

Good luck, S.

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