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Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 2/19/2004 6:53:14 AM

Posts: 168
Joined: 1/21/2004
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Greetings subs/slaves,

i'm new to the world of bdsm. i'm currently being trained by a new Dom, and enjoy it greatly.

i'm having difficulties balancing the two worlds; primarily b/c i do not feel comfortable sharing with people at work about my role as a sub/slave, it would just not be appropriate.

the problem for me is that i think about my "secret life" and bdsm activities constantly, and would enjoy discussing various aspects of bdsm with others; (which i do here, of course, but no one outside of collarme other than my Dom).

how have other subs managed to balance these two worlds, especially if you're friends and family is unaware and/or unaccepting of this lifestyle.

~rain~

forums - 2/19/2004 9:36:05 AM

Posts: 24
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: US
Status: offline

you might try bondage.com where there are many forums to exchange ideas.

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 2/19/2004 6:18:08 PM

Posts: 14
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Assuming that you are referring to the task of keeping them seperate and guarding yourself against discovery, you just have to be very careful, and it's also a good idea to have some explanations ready to the questions other people might ask if they see or hear something that might possibly associate you with D/s. There is quite a contrast between my WASP, vanilla existance and my activities in the lifestyle as a sub, but I've never really had a problem balancing. I realize that I can't get too involved in the lifestyle without sacrificing my nilla life, which I don't want to do. There have been a few public BDSM activities that I wanted to attend, but I stayed as far away from them as I could. I'm very cautious and only select people in my home town know of my interest and role in the lifestyle. Additionally, I have always been very particular about who knows me as a sub in the area where I attend munches, play, and participate in other BDSM activities.
I've been very fortunate to have met people in the lifestyle in local organizations that also have dual lives and realize the importance of being discreet. If you become associated with an alternative lifestyle organization in your area, you will probably find the same kind of people. As far as just chatting with people in the lifestyle and getting information regarding activities and so forth, the regional chat rooms on alt.com are a good resource, but again, be careful what information you provide in chat and on your profile.

Unfortunately, some of the problems with the online resources that you will be subjected to are the idiots (trolls and spammers), and strangely, people that will criticize you for your dual existance, calling you a player, or fake or something worst. You will discover that the people that preach tolerance and acceptance (especially on line) are often the least tolerant and take delite in criticizing those of us that lead the dual existance.

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 2/23/2004 10:57:58 AM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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belongtoyou,
I'd suggest going to munches. Most munch groups have BBS (bulletin board services) online.
You can always chat on the list. Choose when you want to come out and actually meet those whom you've been chatting with. Decide for yourself who you can trust...etc..etc.

In my group I get a great many newbies. I always tell them to meet at munches. If they happen to meet a sub or Dom online who wants to meet in person. Meet at the munch. If your mother..or boss or whatever were to pass by as you are eating. Who cares? You're in a vanilla venue. Dressed vanilla. Easy enough to explain away if need be. Also you are keeping yourself safe.

I also tell newbies if they want to play. Do it in public at a play party. The others around will protect you if they know you are new. Just talk, network with others. You'll be safe.
Who knows in time, you may feel safer letting those closest to you in on your newest little secret. If not, not a problem either,

Just be safe and be happy in whatever kink you decide to follow. Thats what most of us do.

Gloria

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 2/23/2004 12:11:15 PM

poeticsurrender

Posts: 13
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Huntington Beach, California
Status: offline

i can incorporate some of the lifestyle ways into my daily life whether it be at work or in public. The way i carry myself, the way i address those in authority, the way i handle certain situations. i consider what a Master would expect from me and act accordingly. ~smiling softly~ and i kneel as much as possible when i'm filing.

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 2/23/2004 5:11:56 PM

Posts: 168
Joined: 1/21/2004
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In response to Gloria and poeticsurrender;

i'm happy to say that i've shared some pieces of my "other life" with 3 people, and it's quite a relief actually!

my room mate, although surprised, has been helpful, almost acting as a spy for my new Dom!

also, poeticsurrender, i have found that i do incorporate some aspects of my sub life in real life; for example- not crossing my legs, keeping my lips (mouth) slightly apart, minding my manners (more so than usual!), not cursing, and in general, following His instructions.

i find it quite exciting to have a "secret life" actually...it makes people wonder what i'm up to when they see that huge grin, for (what appears to be) no reason at all.

; )

~rain~

(in reply to poeticsurrender)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 2/25/2004 10:13:35 AM

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/26/2004
From: Orange County, CA.
Status: offline

This girl's fairly new to the L/s...however, she wonders... how can one, once finding themselves, continue to keep that a secret? This girl went 35 years, not knowing what "it" was that seemed to set her apart from Oothers and tried her best to hide "it", deny "it..because she herself didn't know.. she only knew it set her apart. Upon finding herself, accepting herself.. continuing to learn more and more about herself... why would she, or in her opinion, anyone else wish to hide that? Let Yyour true self shine through and take pride in who and what Yyou are. As for other aspects, the kink, the sex, etc... that's personal.. lol. Regardless of L/s, this one's never gone to a cashier at the store and starting talking of her personal life.. why would she do so w/ Tthose at work, school, every day life Wwhom she doesn't know well enough to do such with? *laughing*.. though she has gotten a few odd looks when accidentally speaking 3rd person at the store LOL. In this girl's opinion, be Wwho and Wwhat Yyou are, act accordingly... always showing respect to Aall.

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 2/25/2004 9:49:46 PM

Toya

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/1/2004
Status: offline

I have just recently started a new job and have not mentioned anything about my D/s relationship with my work mates. In my last job about half knew and of that maybe one was actually interested in knowing. Fact is we don't talk about our sex lives with just anyone so why should we discuss the intimate parts of our relationships? Its not about being secretive, its about being private.

Online message boards, email list at the likes of yahoo groups and bdsm munch groups are all good ways of finding like minded people to chat with.

Toya
http://www.whisper.co.nz/subspace

(in reply to looking4One)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 2/26/2004 8:18:02 PM

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Joined: 1/21/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Toya

Its not about being secretive, its about being private.

Toya,

you bring up a good point, however, i wasn't just refering to work mates; but friends.

In my particular case; my friend/co-worker knows that i've been "single" for a long time, and wants to set me up on a date, well, obviously if i have a Dom, (and/or am collared) how do i explain to this person that i'm not interested?

i'm not too keen on telling her, "sorry, i'm collared, but thanks for offering." i'm not at that stage, yet.

That, in particular, is my struggle.

~rain~

(in reply to Toya)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 2/26/2004 10:26:22 PM

Toya

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/1/2004
Status: offline

Well I would just tell them you have a boyfriend and that he likes to keep rather private hence the reason why he doesn't socialise in the same circles with her. It's really up to you what you say but you don't have to be dishonest, just tell on a need to know basis.

All my close friends know of my lifestyle, they don't all aprove but as they are good friends they accept my choices are right for me.

Toya
http://www.whisper.co.nz/subspace

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 2/26/2004 10:28:39 PM

Kyphi

Posts: 1
Joined: 2/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: belongtoyou

i'm not too keen on telling her, "sorry, i'm collared, but thanks for offering." i'm not at that stage, yet.

That, in particular, is my struggle.

~rain~

Why would you need to tell her you are collared? How about a simple "I'm dating someone and don't want to date others". Then she'll ask you about him and you will tell her how wonderful he is. *S*

Kyphi

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 2/27/2004 6:56:17 AM

Posts: 158
Joined: 1/5/2004
From: New York
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: belongtoyou

i'm having difficulties balancing the two worlds; primarily b/c i do not feel comfortable sharing with people at work about my role as a sub/slave, it would just not be appropriate.

This is a subject that should concern most of us. You should be very cautious with whom you share private information. Especially if you have anything to lose - kids, job, standing in the (vanilla) community, etc. It really comes down to keeping your private life, well private.

I do not know about you and your Dom, but most D/s couples do, occasionally engage in vanilla activities. These you can certainly share with friends, family and co-workers.

Unless you REALLY trust someone, be very cautious about whom you tell of your lifestyle decisions. They may think you have gone off the deep end and feel the need to "Save you". In which case they may involve others, or even the local constabulary - not usually a good thing.

Co-workers and friends are one thing, for they can (usually) be kept at a safe distance. Family on the other hand can be a whole different hairball. Family members like to see you, and if you have someone new in your life they want to see him or her too. This can be a rather interesting first encounter. All of a sudden your family notices that your manners have drastically improved (imagine that!), especially when he/she is around. This may or may not give rise to questions/comments. They may ask you if your “scared” of him/her. Be prepared beforehand to answer these questions. Be very careful – let them know that he/she treats you with the utmost respect – and that you in turn do the same.

Good luck on your journey.
Terry
AKA ShadowHwk

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 2/28/2004 5:28:35 PM

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/12/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Unless you REALLY trust someone, be very cautious about whom you tell of your lifestyle decisions. They may think you have gone off the deep end and feel the need to "Save you".

Yep...I have gone off the deep end...but its a great place to be! I have actually found myself so excited by the discovery of my long-repressed submissive side that I told my Mother . She has not seemed too judgemental (for her) and actually asks me some intelligent questions. She cannot fathom the idea that HER daughter would be anything other than a dominant, however. She doesn't quite understand the differences between D/s and abuse. I have offered to take her with me to the local adult toy store and lend her my copies of Screw the Roses, and Erotic Surrender to give her some insight into my submissive nature. Luckily for me, I have someone in my life that I trust...but I do think she thinks this is just a phase. However, she has agreed to be my "safe contact" when and if I am lucky enough to find a Dom I would like to meet.

(in reply to ShadowHwk)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 2/29/2004 12:17:36 PM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I think it's FANTASTIC that you can share this with your mother. I wish I could. My mom is my best friend but she would never understand. I had a cousin in the lifestyle that was shunned from the family because of it.

quote:

why would she, or in her opinion, anyone else wish to hide that? Let Yyour true self shine through and take pride in who and what Yyou are.

It's not that easy for eveyone and not always a case of being ashamed. My last Master moved in with me and my parents live downstairs. My mother (after getting to know him) started saying things like, "he seems very controlling." Like it's a bad thing. ;) In her mind, being controlled is a sign of weakness. I have a cousin that is more like a brother to me that I shared my lifestyle with and he has expressed to me that he doesn't want to know because he is afraid for me. I think it's a matter of keeping it from those who I care about that don't understand it, rather than being ashamed of it. I do take pride in myself and what I do, but that doesn't mean I have to share it with everyone. :)

quote:

Meet at the munch. If your mother..or boss or whatever were to pass by as you are eating. Who cares? You're in a vanilla venue. Dressed vanilla. Easy enough to explain away if need be.

I've never been to a munch yet. Does everyone always dress vanilla?

(in reply to NewSubGirl)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 3/5/2004 8:12:32 PM

Posts: 104
Joined: 3/1/2004
Status: offline

One thing that helps me is being active in my local community BDSM organization, where I have real life friends whom are submissive, and Dominate...and I can share thoughts, feelings about BDSM other than just online.

(in reply to sweetieboop)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 3/8/2004 7:16:06 PM

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Joined: 3/8/2004
Status: offline

Sweetie, balancing the two lifes is part of it. I have been in this lifestyle for a while now. That is why there is us , with our lifestyle and the vanilla world. Some care some don't. I wouldn't go and announce it at work. Find a friend whom is open minded and that will give you someone to talk about it. Meet people on this site and others that are in your local area. Meet a new friend. I hope this helps!

~ExOtiCa~

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Balancing vanilla life with bdsm life - 3/8/2004 8:01:19 PM

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Joined: 1/9/2004
Status: offline

I am still new to this I dont want anybody to find out. I am a lesbian and into BDSM. So if people find out I am scared of what society will think. I have a 6 year old daughter and scared of getting her taken away.

thank you

Amanda

(in reply to ExOtiCa)

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