MrKite
Posts: 94
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline
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You asked me a question just before you were interrupted signed off last night, and I'm glad I didn't get the chance to answer. Your question was, "do you know what you want?" It's a question that I've been struggling with the last few weeks, perhaps years. I've gone back and mentally reviewed the basis of the relationships I have with the slaves I'm talking to now, including you. I've gone back and looked at email exchanges I've had with others that didn't work out. I've gone back and looked at real life relationships I've had in the past, both vanilla and bdsm.
I’ve been talking to one slave here for nearly a year now and I like her and the things she wants to do and her ideas. I’ve talked to dozens of girls on CM and some last for a while and some don’t. And always I ask myself, “What’s missing here?” I even posted a thread on the forum asking about having needs met, searching for an answer.
That answer, and the answer to your question came to me tonight when I dredged up a memory I was forced to bury long ago. It was an epiphany and every thing fell into place for me.
You aren’t the first question that has asked me what I want, but the question has always been in the context of bdsm and kinks. Perhaps being imbedded in CM for so long my thinking got stuck inside that box. Shame on me.
The answer doesn’t have any thing to do with conventional wisdom of D/s or M/s relationships. It doesn’t have to do with whips, or collars or control or sex or any of the trappings so common around here. Fact of the matter is I can do all the things that any body wants to have done to them, child’s play really. I can take control, I can take their freedom, I can force them into a cage, spank their butts and tie them up tight. I can give any slave or sub what ever they want. What I want has nothing to do with whips and chains.
What’s really ironic about all this is that twice in my life I’ve come close to having what I want and it came from subs/slaves who eventually left me angry, hurt and empty. As a result I don’t think I can have I want any longer. I’m just not sure it’s in me any more.
I think that I’m probably just as much to blame for my own feelings, as they are now because I’ve forgotten how to do unto others. By its vary nature CM creates expectations, unfounded though they maybe. It’s easy to assume that a group of people or individuals that share a common interest; and the anonymity that online provides, that certain manners, feelings or civilities can be over looked. I know I’ve done some asinine things that I regret. I’ve felt disappointments, frustrations and anger, often misdirected at those that did nothing to incur my wrath.
What I want I can’t take or force someone to give. I want to love and be loved in return. I want to give all of myself to some one and in return I want them to give me their all. I want to be made to feel like I’m special. I want someone who will make me feel good about myself. I want some one to say to me, “Kurt, you make me feel good about who I am, and I thank you for that.”
I’ll just sign this off on behalf of everybody that feels the same way.
Sincerely;
Eleanor Rigby
_____________________________
If it feels good, do it.
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An open letter. - 
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