RE: Switches need not apply (Full Version)

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nianque -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/6/2008 3:44:34 AM)

This is the way I see it.  I have been told i am more of a subby and  then others tell me more of a domme.  I look at my switch as this.  There will always be someone in a relationship more dominant and someone more subby.  For me I am for some more subby and for others more dominant.  I identify myself as more of a sub but I do like to switch and play on the other side occasionally not necessarily with you if you are a dominant but that is alway why i am looking for a Switch.



LordVelvet -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/6/2008 8:56:18 AM)

I list Myself as a Switch due to the fact that I can Switch. I am currently in a sub/wife, slave, Poly situation. I am Dom all over the place in that situation. Yet in Oct. while visiting a friend in New Orleans I bottomed to a Switch friend. It was something that I needed, but not from the two in My life. I don't Switch with them, they aren't wired for it. Given the right situation I could Switch in the same relationship, just haven't. I respect what other want, if they don't want a Switch no need to email them, rather simple. Just My thoughts.
LordVelvet



rick19 -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/6/2008 9:34:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

How many times have you seen that on profiles?

Why does it seem most hate switches?


Who cares? Their loss, not mine.



Dmon -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/8/2008 4:04:31 PM)

Just my own experiance on this one. Domme's and Subs don't know how to treat or get along with a switch. We're to assertive, and free willed for what a Domme is used to. And not demanding enough for the sub to believe that we can be dominant when we want to.



innerstar -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/9/2008 10:46:36 PM)

I've had some dommes say that they prefer switches because they don't come off as doormats. Of course that's generalising, but it could be true that switches more often have a more assertive persona as subs, at least *before* play  starts, than those who are always sub-oriented.

Conversely, I feel that many dom/mes feel threatened by switches, because they want to believe that they are naturally superior by dint of being a dom/me, and a switch, who sometimes has the desire/capability of being a dom/me, threatens this comfy superiority.

I also think there are some gender power issues in male/female interactions. Switchy males, in a sub capacity, can more often try to 'top from the bottom' towards domme females. Males are socialised to control/direct sexual situations. And many dom males who believe subconsciously due to their socialisation that their gender gives them an innate dominant edge over women, will feel threatened by the idea of topping a woman who herself can rule with an iron fist.



lytehaze -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/10/2008 1:39:57 AM)

I’d like to just contribute to the thread not respond to any post in particular. Perhaps just give my perspective.  


I am not interested in cultivating a D/s relationship with a switch because my past experiences color my views. Those switches I've dealt with in the past do (at some point) wish to switch roles and have me dom. I don't have any desire in the least to dominate. And in order to fulfill that need another partner would be required. I am still uncomfortable with that. I don’t want to see my Dom dominated by me or anyone. I lose the submissive admiration I have for my Dom when they switch. Having a Dom turn and say essentially “ok now your turn” is very disconcerting. And though I don’t know for certain I imagine some Dommes would be as uncomfortable with their sub wanting to call the shots.  


Now some here have attested to the fact that switches do not switch within a relationship and that it’s uncommon. And perhaps, for them, it is something they would never do. However, I would say that perhaps it is more common than one would think. I mean there have been at least three posts stating multiple incidences on this thread thus far. Besides, there are quite a few types of switches; those content to confine themselves to one role within a relationship, those who wish to explore both sides during play, those simply content with the exchange of power whatever the circumstance, etc. All of which are valid. Perhaps those disinterested in switches have a slanted view, having only experienced one type of switch. At least that was the case with me. And now I don’t like trying to decipher which switches are which. It’s hard enough sifting out compatible Doms without adding a new layer of differentiating criteria.  


I know this position certainly limits the pool of possibility but I accept that. It’s not personal insecurity, or that I’m uncomfortable in my submission, or that I have a simplistic herd mentality, or hatred of switches etc.. It’s preference. And perhaps a pinch of laziness. (Well lazy in the same way I don’t encourage those from other countries. My experience says it’s a difficult road that doesn’t work for me so I don’t go there)



oliderid -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/10/2008 2:09:42 PM)

quote:

Having a Dom turn and say essentially “ok now your turn” is very disconcerting.


Well said like this...It would be similar than "what about quick spanking before the football match?" :-)
You do need a bit of sensuality to make it  well...Interesting. Just like in any relation, I guess. It could be a very smooth transition, so smooth that you won't notice it. It could be a total surprise, it could be none of them, it could look like an endless battle. Switching means you don't know what is going to happen tonight. It doesn't mean that you have to switch during the night, you truly act like a sub or a dom, for a day, a week or even more. The thing is that it will change, sooner or later.

But as you pointed out, if you need to admire your dom, then it won't be the right path for you. There is no admiration in a switch couple as far as I know. You simply love your partner.




DesFIP -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/10/2008 5:46:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dmon

Just my own experiance on this one. Domme's and Subs don't know how to treat or get along with a switch. We're to assertive, and free willed for what a Domme is used to. And not demanding enough for the sub to believe that we can be dominant when we want to.


You misunderstand. Of course you will be dominant when you feel like it. But you probably won't feel like it when we need you to be.



windykae -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/10/2008 11:34:10 PM)

i would love to be able to find a switch, one that would be Dominant to me, but sub to Master.  but that is just my two cents.  So i do not understand anyone that would not be interested.  :)



hermione83 -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/11/2008 2:45:34 AM)

Honestly, I am weird, but I can put each of my qualities into neat rows of boxes in my head. I want someone in exactly opposed, or exactly the same boxes, depending on what, for a mate. If I don't understand you, you make me feel not secure, and like I can't knwo you, and you're not meant for me. So, since I'm not a switch, and I'm one role 24/7, and never have even put my head into the other role, I would want to make sure the Dom is dom enough for me - really wants me to be who I am, doesn't want me to change, and it's okay that this is the only role I ever want. I would be constantly paranoid that he doesn't really want to dominate me, and that I'm a burden. Actually, I already do that with "straight Doms" but if they fit into the right boxes I start to trust it. It's so hard for me to get why anyone would want to be a Dom, I know I wouldn't... so if he likes/ever liked to be submissive at all, I would always be thinking he prefers it and all sorts of negative things I don't want to think.



Dmon -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/11/2008 11:18:34 AM)

I see your point on this DesFip. (atleast I think I do). Then we fall into my wants. I want a friend, partner in crime, confident, etc... without roles, unless it's play time. I"m not going to be Dominant just to prove I can. 



laurell3 -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/11/2008 1:02:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83

If I don't understand you, you make me feel not secure, and like I can't knwo you, and you're not meant for me. (snipped)


hermoine, the only person that can make you feel insecure is you.  However, I want to compliment you on bringing to light what I believe usually is the real issue with switches, insecurity.  Most people just aren't brave enough to come right out and say different makes them scared.  You would be suprised at how similar a switch can be to a straight D or s type with the right person.  But hey, if it isn't good for you, don't do it.



deliciousmorsel -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/19/2008 11:50:33 PM)

Personally- I think switch is too broad a catchall. "Free range Kink" is the best term I've ever heard, and it applies to being able to experiment and takes the hard and fast role delineation out of the thing.
There needs to be more than three possibilities.
I'm pretty dominant by nature, but I'm also a masochist- I love pain with my sex with a sexy well skilled Dominant man. I'll get all violet shadows submissive, too. But I wouldn't want to think about dominating such a treasure and mess up a good thing. And there are Dom Domme marriages that are very happy playing with a stable and double teaming...
Given that I like to dominate men, and don't consider myself bisexual but really want a girl sub to torture and pleasure, most would call me switch. Except enlightened Dommes, who think "Dominant Masochist" is a perfectly fine thing to be. As do I.
The Establishment has some dirty little secrets about that; It's surprising how many absolute Domly Doms love a dose of CBT every once in a while, or how many Mistresses get a service topping from a properly trained sub. Don't we all need a good flogging now and then? This not about power but about sensation and enjoyment. And a lot of Doms love a switch- they want the ultimate S&M three way, him, a girl, on the other girl... Or two subs at once.
Extended poly families where the subs are in service but get their own pets do exist. No harm, just make the rules clear up front. And I'm told it doesn't work for everyone.
I'm still refining my place and my needs- and I'll use a title that reflects those needs, but switch is too broad and too limited. Think up new terms, everybody! Just turn the three role hierarchy on its ear. You might get what you need that way...



xxblushesxx -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/20/2008 9:38:19 AM)

My Dom has a switch side, and, honestly, I wish He didn't.
I DO NOT like it when He asks me to dom Him.
I DO NOT enjoy seeing Him in a collar, attached to a leash, in cuffs and a spreader bar.
I also DO NOT like the fact that He tops from the bottom so bad, that it's just ridiculous.
I'm sorry, but, I just don't enjoy that facet of Him.
But I love Him, so I try.



LotusSong -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/20/2008 2:55:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dmon

Just my own experiance on this one. Domme's and Subs don't know how to treat or get along with a switch. We're to assertive, and free willed for what a Domme is used to. And not demanding enough for the sub to believe that we can be dominant when we want to.


You misunderstand. Of course you will be dominant when you feel like it. But you probably won't feel like it when we need you to be.


Excellent point, DesFIP



DesFIP -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/20/2008 6:13:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dmon

I see your point on this DesFip. (atleast I think I do). Then we fall into my wants. I want a friend, partner in crime, confident, etc... without roles, unless it's play time. I"m not going to be Dominant just to prove I can. 


I see that. I'm his friend, partner, lover. I offer feedback and cover his back for him. But he's the leader. I guess the best way to describe it is through work. He's the CEO and I'm the executive assistant. That doesn't mean I'm not a valuable member of the team or that he could accomplish everything just as well if I went fishing for a week or a month. He couldn't.

But it does mean that he couldn't find the files he needed, have all the info he needed in a folder on his desk when he needed. And equally it means that he can play hard ball with the suppliers who aren't delivering what they promised, and I couldn't. So if we switched roles, the work wouldn't get done. I don't like being the place where the buck stops. I prefer being an exec ass't. It's what I excel at in a relationship.



Dmon -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/20/2008 7:46:05 PM)

We really are talking about different things here. It's more a feeling than an action. I like to know I'm 50/50 with some one most of the time. Equal share partners. Both in act and in feeling. Both have equal say in everything.



Mystique567 -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/20/2008 7:54:15 PM)

I can switch and have at times, when I say switch I mean that I can play both parts although I very much prefer bottom.

What I cannot do is switch in a relationship, in any dynamic I am what I am if I need to Top then I will always be a top in that relationship if I am sub I cannot top. Plain and simple.



LadyAyla7053 -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/20/2008 7:58:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffyswitch

quote:

ORIGINAL: scrapmetal

I find similarities in the BDSM communtiy's attitude toward switches is often the same as the gay communty's attitude towards bisexuals. Having more experiance out in the gay community more so than the BDSM one, I can tell you that most anti-bisexual gay people I know dislike them because they feel they are a weaker link in the communtiy, and their ability to switch, top or bottom, straight or gay, makes them more 'fake' for lack of a better word. I don't agree with it, just attempting to explain. 

that's actually what i was thinking of but wasn't sure if anyone else would get the reference--i've been told to my face that since i'm bi i'm too gay to be straight and too straight to be gay, and i've gotten a similar reception from some when i tell them that i'm switch. i'm either too much of one thing or not enough of another.



I have had that same problem in the past as well. I am listed on my profile as a lesbian but in all honesty I am bisexual and have been for a long time.



EVOLOVE -> RE: Switches need not apply (2/21/2008 4:55:01 PM)

Seems to me that roles are a convenience, sort of a short cut. Sure seems liberating to think in terms of verbs (I am topping, I am submitting) as opposed to nouns (I am a top, I am a submissive). Provides one with more options, no? And gives room to transform without worrying about changing the heading on your business card :)

-P



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