Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (Full Version)

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southerndiva1 -> Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/28/2008 3:11:00 PM)

Greetings! My husband and I are both Dominants. I, so far have had great success finding play partnerns and a submissive of my own. He, on the other hand, has had great difficulty. Most submissives find out he is married and run or never give him a chance.  We don't have an open marriage in a swinging sense, but we trust each other implicitly to explore this realm on our own. In our opinion, we are seeking poly relationships (anything that isn't monogamy) not a poly family (with a hierarchy of Dominant, Alpha Female, beta, gamma...etc). My question is how does he go about finding a submissive who understands that I am not going to come swooping down like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction? Your rabbits are safe with me. I do not need to approve of a female submissive. I do not need to be a female submissive's friend.  I don't even have to meet you. I have found great joy in my submissive and exploring that relationship. I really would like for him to experience the same thing. Any ideas?



adoracat -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/28/2008 3:37:28 PM)

put that, exactly as you wrote it, in his profile.  include your name, so that the sub can contact you if she wishes and affirm that he is, indeed, telling the truth.

there are too many "i need to be discreet" dominants out there, and the subbies get used to hearing that and assuming "married and cheating".

kitten



ForcefuIHands -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/28/2008 3:46:00 PM)

A link to your profile and a joint profile might not be a bad idea... And without pictures up, it's hard to show credibility. If you show consistency in the information you present, you are much more likely to get responses. This is, for the record, not an ideal place to look for people. Try your local munches and community over a website, regardless of how much we might like it.



SirMIkeSD -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/28/2008 3:51:13 PM)

I can't really think of anything that you can do short of a quick phone call or meeting to let them know it's ok with you.  If you are looking in your local community, then just let it be known that it's ok with you when you talk with people that at least puts the word out for any locals that might be interested.

Mike




Evility -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/28/2008 4:34:39 PM)

I was in largely the same position your husband is in. I was married in a poly relationship and it was tough meeting interested partners. Putting all that stuff in your profile won't help much - I had all of that in mine. It seemed to me that most poly submissives were just that because they were in poly realtionships already, perhaps at the suggestion of their dominant. There just are not many single female submissives out there who are interested in this on their own. Finding a woman in general who is interested in that dynamic was a task - throw in the fetish element and it became a crusade. My ex was a submissive and never had problems meeting prospective dominants. Turned away more than she met and should have turned away a few she got involved with. [:)]

I wish I had some really good advice. The only thing I can say is that he has to be patient. It was over two years before I met someone who was interested in mixing it up in real life for me. She had never been involved with a married man and struggled with the dynamic from day one. That didn't last long.

That's when I learned that the only really good place to look for a relationship like this as a married poly kinky person is with another married poly kinky person. I finally met someone in the same position and it has been wonderful. In my personal opinion he is wasting his time if he is looking in the single submissive ranks. He is looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack.

I seemed to have better opportunities in chat type forums - in my case it was IRC. In that type of atmosphere it's much less an advertising barrage like it is here and on other similar kinky sites. You actually have a chance to chat in real time with people - without the guise of "looking" - and you can get to know a little about them. That helped immensely.

I wish him luck. For that two plus years I was hanging out meeting people looking for someone who was interested I might as well have been a cyclops with a hunchback. I often feel that a single hunchbacked cyclops would have better luck than a married poly guy.





AquaticSub -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/28/2008 4:39:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: southerndiva1

Greetings! My husband and I are both Dominants. I, so far have had great success finding play partnerns and a submissive of my own. He, on the other hand, has had great difficulty. Most submissives find out he is married and run or never give him a chance.  We don't have an open marriage in a swinging sense, but we trust each other implicitly to explore this realm on our own. In our opinion, we are seeking poly relationships (anything that isn't monogamy) not a poly family (with a hierarchy of Dominant, Alpha Female, beta, gamma...etc). My question is how does he go about finding a submissive who understands that I am not going to come swooping down like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction? Your rabbits are safe with me. I do not need to approve of a female submissive. I do not need to be a female submissive's friend.  I don't even have to meet you. I have found great joy in my submissive and exploring that relationship. I really would like for him to experience the same thing. Any ideas?


I would actually suggest making meeting them a clear option early on. Having been made the unknowing mistress before, I simply wouldn't enter into a situation with a married or otherwise committed man until I got to the meet the other partners. I'd want very specific circumstances, something where I could at least be friendly with the other people, know that they aren't just "going along with this" and feel comfortable around the house.

You also need to remember that as a married man looking for another girl, he is fishing in a very small pond with a lot of other fishermen. My guess is that the fact that you aren't looking for a family decreases the appeal of the bait (I could be wrong), and the clear hierarchy may make it even less appealing as many prefer to be more or less equal. Patience is probably the best bet.

I hope this is helpful in some way,
Aqua



Cyis75 -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/29/2008 5:33:10 AM)

From our own experience, we are much like the OP with a few minor exceptions. My wife identifies as a switch as she likes both sides of the dynamic but is mostly dominant. Unlike the OP we've actually attempted to find a submissive as a couple. She has no problems with finding anyone herself if she wanted that, the responses I get I can still count on my fingers. For the most part we just stopped bothering as its an apparent wait and see search.



RoughFN -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/29/2008 6:49:54 AM)

See, I don't think I like this concept of having to immediately prove to the sub that my wife is okay with it and I'm not cheating and so on and so forth. It just seems to start off the relationship on the wrong foot. You're immediately assuming that the other person is lying to you and you require proof for them to demonstrate their sincerity. I'm not saying that you should trust them completely right off the bat, but some degree of it would be nice.

Besides, it strikes me as relatively easy to fake. Someone could easily just claim to be single and successfully do that for years. Say you only get together with your sub a few times a week and due to scheduling reasons it's easier to always go to her place. Nothing suspicious, just convenience and you can hide everything.

Or even if you do meet insist upon meeting the spouse, that can be faked. You could like up a girl to talk on the phone and claim to be the wife ("Yeah, sure. He's not cheating, I don't care. Have fun!") or even someone in person. Admittedly, doing something like that might be difficult to pull off, but it certainly could be done.

If the response is going to be that if a dom is so untrustworthy that he'd do that, then my response is that it's simply a matter of degree. If he's already being accused of/assumed to be cheating to the point that he's gotta parade in his spouse to grant approval, then why not assume he's doing so much more beyond that? Why stop at that point?

You either give the guy the benefit of the doubt that he's telling the truth and maybe meet his wife later, or you assume that he's lying to you and at that point you really shouldn't be getting together with him anyway.

All that said, I always make it very clear that people can meet my wife if they'd like to at some point. But that's different to me than asking permission from her in advance. That would probably be pretty off putting to me.

Though, admittedly, I've never been burned by a cheating married person, so I'm sure that colors my opinion.



AquaticSub -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/29/2008 7:55:32 AM)

For me, it's honestly not about parading the wife around. It's about making sure this is a situation that I want to enter.

I don't want to enter into a situation with a married man where the wife isn't open to being friends. Partly because I've been burned by someone hiding their SO from me and partly because I hate ackward moments with a deep passion. I don't want to be merely a small part of his life, I want to be able to be in his house without feeling like a stranger. If their wife isn't up to meeting me for coffee before I get sexually involved with her husband, I'm just not interested in her husband.

Which isn't to say there aren't reasons why she wouldn't want to meet me. I can also understand being in a position of "Go play, just don't tell me", however I have the right to decide that I don't want anything to do with that relationship.



vampiresscammy -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/29/2008 8:29:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

I was in largely the same position your husband is in. I was married in a poly relationship and it was tough meeting interested partners. Putting all that stuff in your profile won't help much - I had all of that in mine. It seemed to me that most poly submissives were just that because they were in poly realtionships already, perhaps at the suggestion of their dominant. There just are not many single female submissives out there who are interested in this on their own. Finding a woman in general who is interested in that dynamic was a task - throw in the fetish element and it became a crusade. My ex was a submissive and never had problems meeting prospective dominants. Turned away more than she met and should have turned away a few she got involved with. [:)]

I wish I had some really good advice. The only thing I can say is that he has to be patient. It was over two years before I met someone who was interested in mixing it up in real life for me. She had never been involved with a married man and struggled with the dynamic from day one. That didn't last long.

That's when I learned that the only really good place to look for a relationship like this as a married poly kinky person is with another married poly kinky person. I finally met someone in the same position and it has been wonderful. In my personal opinion he is wasting his time if he is looking in the single submissive ranks. He is looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack.

I seemed to have better opportunities in chat type forums - in my case it was IRC. In that type of atmosphere it's much less an advertising barrage like it is here and on other similar kinky sites. You actually have a chance to chat in real time with people - without the guise of "looking" - and you can get to know a little about them. That helped immensely.

I wish him luck. For that two plus years I was hanging out meeting people looking for someone who was interested I might as well have been a cyclops with a hunchback. I often feel that a single hunchbacked cyclops would have better luck than a married poly guy.





/agree!! so far Master and I have found its much easier to meet poly couples than just poly single folks, still new to meeting kinky folks here, but the same is true so far, more married folks seem willing and open then single. perhaps suggesting your husband widen his search to a married lady would help. whatever you both decide, happy huting [:)]



trueshadow -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/29/2008 9:54:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

I was in largely the same position your husband is in. I was married in a poly relationship and it was tough meeting interested partners.

I wish him luck. For that two plus years I was hanging out meeting people looking for someone who was interested I might as well have been a cyclops with a hunchback. I often feel that a single hunchbacked cyclops would have better luck than a married poly guy.



I truly, truly believe this.  It's tough enough for a single guy to meet a compatible woman, let alone someone who is attached in any sense of the word. 

I like the idea of letting the prospective sub/slave know his wife is open to meeting with her.



southerndiva1 -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/30/2008 2:45:08 PM)

Thank you A/all for Y/your responses! We will put some of them in place and see what happens.



softandshy -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/30/2008 10:57:59 PM)

Another idea is to try a poly forum.  While not everyone there is likely to be interested in BDSM, some advertise it openly.



LadyPact -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (1/31/2008 9:40:21 AM)

Hi SD.  Nice to see you over here and welcome to the forums!

I know exactly what you mean in your description.  As you know, I'm very familiar with the situation.  It seems that it is always harder for the male in a Dom/Domme couple than the female.  The situation here is much like yours there.  My half, yep, have a submissive, yep, plenty of play partners.  His half, nope, doesn't have a sub, only has the occasional play partner.  At the last play party, I had multiple scenes.  He, for lack of a bottom, fell asleep.

Anyway, it does tend to get on the male half's nerves at times.  It's kind of a pain in the @ss, but sometimes, you have to help them along.  No, you may not want the poly family dynamic and all of that, but you may find he has better luck if there's at least the option of meeting you and speaking to you to verify his claims.  If you get to the club together, the times that he is playing and you're not occupied, make yourself visible around his scenes, so that folks get the gist that you are perfectly ok with him playing with others.  There's always the option of a sub/sub couple, or a married female, since the swinging thing isn't in the deal. 

Also, I've found that the encouraging that I can do here at home helps.  It can be tough on them when you are always succeeding, while having to barely spend any time looking.  When he has some success of his own, build those times up a bit.

Good luck to you both, and I hope to see you the next time the three of us are in town.



LPslittleclip -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (2/1/2008 4:19:36 PM)

I'm a submissive in a poly family now and all i can recommend is honesty and patience. i wasn't looking for a poly but I'm glad i found it. dont give up the hunt theres a partner out there for you. 



petpete -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (2/2/2008 2:10:24 AM)

Ammm... (scratching head...) the interesting ones are highlighted... Duh....[sm=idea.gif]



southerndiva1 -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (2/14/2008 9:34:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
I don't want to enter into a situation with a married man where the wife isn't open to being friends. Partly because I've been burned by someone hiding their SO from me and partly because I hate ackward moments with a deep passion. I don't want to be merely a small part of his life, I want to be able to be in his house without feeling like a stranger. If their wife isn't up to meeting me for coffee before I get sexually involved with her husband, I'm just not interested in her husband.

Which isn't to say there aren't reasons why she wouldn't want to meet me. I can also understand being in a position of "Go play, just don't tell me", however I have the right to decide that I don't want anything to do with that relationship.


I have no problem meeting the submissive my husband finds. In fact, I would love that. It is important to me that his submissive feel welcome in our home. I just have tried to make it clear that I am not going to interfere with their D/s dynamic. My submissive spends one weekend a month, if not more in our house. His submissive would be more than welcome to do the same. I guess I have been trying to make it as easy as possible for someone to enter into a relationship with my husband if they know that I am not going to be constantly in the picture...that I am not jealous or going to turn into a Cruella DeVille (even though Glen Close was deevine in that role). So. Thanks to you, AquaticSub and others for helping out. We have created a joint profile here and at some other poly sites and will keep looking.
 



kyraofMists -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (2/14/2008 10:32:52 AM)

It can take a long time finding a person willing to enter into a poly relationship.  He and Alandra were together for 17 years before I became a part of their life. 

I would recommend thinking of it from the perspective of the other partner.  What is he offering them in terms of a relationship?  For us, he was offering me a life time committment where I live with them and he meets the primary needs and wants I have for a partner.  The level of committment, time, love and devotion is the same for me as it is for Alandra.  For myself, I could not be in the relationship if it was any different than that.

If I was a secondary partner, that was only seen occasionally and I was less significant than his other partner, then the relationship would not work for me.  The majority of my needs and wants would go unfulfilled and I would not be happy.  It might work in the short term, but not over the long term. 

If he is looking for someone single how will they get their primary needs and wants for a relationship met if he is not able to meet them? 

These are questions that I do not need answers to, but answering them for yourselves may help in clarifying what you are looking for.

Knight's Kyra



Constrictor1 -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (2/14/2008 11:56:09 AM)

This is not meant as a criticism. Even in our enlightened world(said with a wry grin) a lot of submissives seem to be more searching as a subby wants a hubby than wanting to develop multi-dimensional relationships. As most people don't enter the lifestyle until they are older than 18 (subjective number no hackles please) the societal mores of monagamy tend to pervade the response. Some other subs are just not at all comfortable sharing in any form. seeking a 3rd for an already existing couple can be a difficult  task. I too am searching in a similar situation and can only reccomend patience and do not give up. The prize at the end can be worth it.

Constrictor



Stephann -> RE: Married/Poly Doms - How do they find an interested sub? (2/14/2008 12:04:01 PM)

Hi there,

What he's running into is an example of the law of numbers both online, and in the lifestyle.

Consider yourself a moment; if you were a single woman between the ages of 20 and 40 (my guestimated range that he's also looking for) would you opt for a) a married man who wants an occasional partner, or b) a single dominant male who desires a relationship?

The women choosing a) are outnumbered vastly by women choosing b).

If he becomes active in your local scene, his chances will rise drastically.  If he's looking online, he's going to be competing in a lineup against several other men.  I'm not saying it's impossible; I'm just saying it's an uphill battle.

Good luck to you both,

Stephan



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