RE: a submissives control??

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

RE: a submissives control??

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: a submissives control??

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: a submissives control?? - 7/13/2004 7:28:39 AM

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelkel
Is a submissive allowed to pick her Master's friends?

angel, that's what YOU are trying to do.

Reading through your posts, I do feel sympathy for you. You seem to be in pain, and not feeling too good about yourself. You mentioned how you need subspace, and as a BBW you don't have many options. I wasn't sure if that was an offhanded remark, or really true. As MistressKiss mentioned in an old post still around here somewhere, you can get to subspace lots of different ways. (I've employed 3 and one half of the ways) Some don't require a partner at all. Maybe you need to take a break from the relationship, and use other self-induced methods to get to that healing place you crave.

Just a thought,

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to angelkel)

RE: a submissives control?? - 7/13/2004 10:50:42 AM

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelkel

I would like as much imput on this questions as possible.....

How much control should a submissive have over a D/s relationship? Should a submissive be able to say what she is willing to do on a daily/weekly basis? Is a submissive allowed to pick her Master's friends?

If you know of website(s) with an articles on this please share them.

(I'm asking for the simple reason I believe my best friend who is a Dominant is being manipulated by a woman, but because she is so jealous of me he won't listen to much I say on the matter. Help, I don't want to lose my best friend, but she is pushing me out of his life.)

Thanks ahead of time, kel

Suz gave the best advice I could offer already. Time will help him come round, if he needs to. As others suggested, it's his life to enjoy or fuck up as he pleases. It's easy to see potential pitfalls that your friend might not, but if you've voiced your concerns then you need to let him do what he thinks best for him. It doesn't mean shut up - it means don't try to be his mother.

Best of luck to you

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to angelkel)

RE: a submissives control?? - 7/13/2004 1:43:54 PM

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/10/2004
Status: offline

January,

Yes I am in pain because he has taken my kindness and trust and abused it, so therefore I am having a hard time trusting him anymore. I have stopped sharing important things in my life with him, but I want our friendship back or I wouldn't have posted to begin with.

However, I am NOT picking his friends. I would not have posted to begin with if I were trying to pick his friends. If I were doing that I would have told him to chose like she has done more then once now... where he told her he wasn't chosing.

Yes being a BBW has made it hard for me to find real Doms.

Where might I find the post from MistressKiss that you were talking about????

angelkel

(in reply to January)

RE: a submissives control?? - 7/13/2004 2:20:02 PM

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Hi angel,

I found it. And it wasn't Kiss who posted it, it was Suz:

http://www.collarme.com/forum/fb.asp?m=3758

You'd think I could remember better; the post is less than 4 months old!

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to angelkel)

RE: a submissives control?? - 7/13/2004 2:39:38 PM

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/10/2004
Status: offline

Thanks January,

I didn't find anything new or alarming or eye opening there. There were meditation and prayer which I already do but don't send me into subspace and then there was tantra which I don't know enough about. Thanks though.

(in reply to January)

RE: a submissives control?? - 7/13/2004 2:56:25 PM

Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelkel

January,

Yes I am in pain because he has taken my kindness and trust and abused it, so therefore I am having a hard time trusting him anymore. I have stopped sharing important things in my life with him, but I want our friendship back or I wouldn't have posted to begin with.

However, I am NOT picking his friends. I would not have posted to begin with if I were trying to pick his friends. If I were doing that I would have told him to chose like she has done more then once now... where he told her he wasn't chosing.

Yes being a BBW has made it hard for me to find real Doms.

Where might I find the post from MistressKiss that you were talking about????

angelkel

I'm curious...how has he "abused" your trust and kindness? From your posts, it seems like he made a decision to take on a submissive and maintain a friendship with you. The relationship he has with his submissive, (imho) should have priority over any relationship he has with you. It seems to be from your posts, that he discusses many things with you openly. So, again...how has he abused the trust?

Regarding the picking of friends... according to your posts, you feel as though his current submissive is jealous of the friendship you have with this man. How would you feel if a man you were with was out spending his time with another woman? Just something to consider... If you were in that position...would you ask him to make a choice about who he wants to spend his time with?

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to angelkel)

RE: a submissives control?? - 7/13/2004 3:37:27 PM

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/10/2004
Status: offline

Thorns,

He has abused my trust because he has lied to me and deliberately done things he knew would hurt me and I'd rather not go into any more detail on that. Yes he has discussed things with me pretty openly.

As for the second paragraph, she knew about me from the start and knew we were close but she still chose to continue with him and it never bothered her in the beginning. And he is hardly spending time with me lately, as I haven't seen him for over 3 months now and I am hardly getting to talk to him much these days.

angelkel

(in reply to MrThorns)

RE: a submissives control?? - 7/13/2004 5:59:39 PM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelkel

Thanks January,

I didn't find anything new or alarming or eye opening there. There were meditation and prayer which I already do but don't send me into subspace and then there was tantra which I don't know enough about. Thanks though.

There is a breathing technique that is often called "rebirthing" in new age sorts of circles, and also called 'connected breathing' in alopathic approaches to the healing arts. If you meditate then you've got the first step down already. Perhaps a websearch may find you some connections or information about those techniques. It is a wonderful, cathartic form of personal healing that you may find helps.

It's been said, and I believe it to be true, that all our answers lay within us; we only need to learn how to listen to our 'spark' instead of our endocrine system.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to angelkel)

RE: a submissives control?? - 7/13/2004 6:02:38 PM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I really like the new graphic in your sig line, Stephan. Nice work!

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to Voltare)

RE: a submissives control?? - 7/13/2004 6:44:25 PM

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

Suz: Thankies. I've done some work with photoshop in the past, but am trying to get more experience hoping it'll pan out with some decent pay in a few months. If anyone would like something done up, I"d be happy to oblige. I'll start a thread elsewhere for requests.

angel: After reading the posts again and giving it some thought, I think there's more I might say on the subject.

Obviously, the relationship isn't strictly a matter of lost friendships. It's not just a matter of a man choosing between one friend and another. From what I can gather, based on the one side of the story presented, it sounds like the Dom in question is trying to make everyone happy, because that's what makes him happy.

I find it difficult to grasp a few points - one that she would be insistant on meeting and playing with you, only to become jealous. While this does in fact happen, jealousy can be a two way streak and it seems like you have a healthy mark of it yourself for the relationship he shares with her. That's ok - obviously you care very much for this man, but the fact remains that you both chose the circumstances you are in, i.e. the casual play, the casual relationship, and what seems to be casual sex. These are all well and good, until someone loses an eye.

First, I'd suggest again his relationship with his slave/sub is his business. If he wishes to speak to you on it, that's up to him. If it bothers you to talk about his sub, then don't. If he tries to -make- his relationship with his sub your business refuse. He's the Dominant here, ultimately the responsibility to execute this complicated situation is in large part on his shoulders. If he's refusing to make choices, then it's up to you to decide if you want to stick around or not. Is he worth the hassle? And is it really him that you're into, or just the sense of subspace he can provide.

Second, your relationship with him is between you and him. The only involvement he should have with his sub regarding you, is what he chooses to share, and even then within limits. I can't anticipate a situation where this will work out long term with the three of you - because it really doesn't sound like anyone is happy here, but if it's going to work you'll need a healthy dose of tolerance, communication, and a willingness to let everyone relax and have fun.

Though, like I said - it sounds like this issue has become too hot. Your size, distance, and needs really shouldn't be coming into play here. Nobody -needs- to feel subspace, Domspace, or any other kind of sensation. Needs are food, shelter, clothing, and a means to provide for yourself and your family. Everything else is just icing on the cake of life.

Good luck

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to MizSuz)

RE: a submissives control?? - 11/15/2004 11:05:40 AM

Posts: 66
Joined: 11/9/2004
From: Yukon, Oklahoma
Status: offline

Why would a submissive be allowed to choose her masters friends? This makes no sense.

(in reply to angelkel)

RE: a submissives control?? - 11/15/2004 11:19:23 AM

Posts: 66
Joined: 11/9/2004
From: Yukon, Oklahoma
Status: offline

If a "submissive" is desiring of more control in the relationship, it would seem she does not have a submissive personality. It could be other things, possibly there is a reason that she is not willing to submit to the one she currently calls master?

(in reply to angelkel)

RE: a submissives control?? - 11/15/2004 6:00:55 PM

Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline

well if a person is submissive then they are supposed to submit ( DOH! ) If this person is picking the Dom's friends perhaps the titles need reversed in this case?...Mike

(in reply to angelkel)

RE: a submissives control?? - 11/15/2004 11:37:28 PM

Posts: 88
Joined: 1/20/2004
Status: offline

quote:

How much control should a submissive have over a D/s relationship?

None! But I suspect that "control" is not the best word to use. Perhaps a better way to state the questions is "Should a submissive have a voice/opinion in a D/s relationship?" The answer is "yes."

quote:

Should a submissive be able to say what she is willing to do on a daily/weekly basis?

Absolutely. A "good" Dom though would ensure he understands what the submissive's limits are. He will also "check in" from time to time and maintain an open and honest line of communication to understand if any modifications are desired or needed.

quote:

Is a submissive allowed to pick her Master's friends?

Absolutely not! Nor should a Dominant pick his/her submissive's friends. Can the Dominant or submissive express a concern over a friend? Of course but that is not the same as deciding who can and can not be a friend.

(in reply to angelkel)

RE: a submissives control?? - 11/16/2004 3:36:25 AM

Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I have no problem with what you and your partners enjoy.. but you have said over and over again SherriA that your NOT submissive.. that You arent in the whole M/s D/s thing.. its allabout the play for you.. so topping from the bottom is great in your relationship and works because you get to have a hand in directing your own release and sensation..But that being said in my relationships it subverts the power exchange..so it doesnt work..it creates more work for me and is distracting and honestly a pain in my ass and not in a good way.. so I would say I get really pissed when people who dont indulge in my form of bD/sm constantly give me grief about the level of control I exert and encourage misbehavior in a submissvie.. and groan about those crazy people who live this a lifestyle...Just my view from the opposite side of the fence/

< Message edited by Sylverdawn -- 11/16/2004 3:45:29 AM >

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to SherriA)

RE: a submissives control?? - 11/16/2004 11:34:46 AM

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

My impression Angelkel is that there isn't a clear power structure in their relationship; but that isn't the point; the point is that you are being used to fullfill his needs for security/fun, and you're not getting what you need out of it.
From the sound of your posts, you're not having fun, and in fact are quite hurt; I wish you'd realize this man is not behaving like he is "your" friend, and you need to decide if you deserve to continue to hurt like this or let him go and find new friends, online or real time (ones who are as interested in your happiness as they are their own; not common, but it happens). No matter how sub/bitchy/annoying his girlfriend is/is not, he is with her and not you, so You need to leave them alone if that's where he wants to stay... Things may change for everyone if you stop allowing him to have his cake....
Ms M

(in reply to angelkel)

RE: a submissives control?? - 11/16/2004 11:52:35 AM

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

Please Angelkel,
Don't convey a low self esteem; Don't love yourself/allow anyone to love you any less because of your size...
What Stephan says in his post is true, that your size and location should not factor into this; and that having a Dom is not a need; you need clothing/food/shelter (which from your profile, you sound like you have covered)...
So for fun, you take your awesome self and present it to the world as such, and allow people who DO think you're hot/attractive to get to know you, understanding for yourself that you're not attractive to everyone, and everyone's not attractive to you; and if someone says/infers that they don't like what they see, you tell them to look away, and F' Off.
I'm not always self assured, but I most definitely do not allow people to bring me misery, and may I suggest you take that same approach? Do a posititives/negatives assessment of any relationship, and if it's bringing you more misery than pleasure, drop it, and don't waste a lot of time, because life IS too short.
Hope that helps...
Ms M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 11/17/2004 10:41:26 PM >

(in reply to angelkel)

RE: a submissives control?? - 11/16/2004 4:39:27 PM

Posts: 117
Joined: 8/9/2004
From: GATINEAU, PQ
Status: offline

Angel

R - u - n!!

_____________________________

Wetrope

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

RE: a submissives control?? - 11/16/2004 5:54:45 PM

Posts: 156
Joined: 8/12/2004
Status: offline

You'll have to sit back and let them work it out on thier own.

If he's Dominant, he'll see the manipulation soon enough, and boot her ass to the curb.

But that's my perspective.. I tend to be the strict, hard nosed sort who calls bullshit instantly when it rears it's ugly head. And it if continues as a pattern, I call it quits.

You get what you put up with .......

Regards,Terry

(in reply to wetrope)

RE: a submissives control?? - 11/16/2004 7:00:21 PM

Posts: 15
Joined: 6/24/2004
Status: offline

Dear Angelkel,

A submissive is someone who wished or needs to be lead by another they can trust, this may be associated with everyday life or a more sexual need. This person is l;ead and not ordered by a dominant personality in there life. As such they have limited control and some say in what their limits are.

A slave is another matter. A slave usually has a deep need to submit, to what degree depends on the slave. Generally a slave does not have a say in what happens or their limits. If a slave feels they can not handle what is happening to them they may request a change but if their Dom/Domme does not approve their request they must endure or request they be allowed to leave his/her service.

That being said, any good Dominant will keep an open line of communication and listen to what their sub/slave has to say and make adjustments accordingly.

I hope this helps. Feel free to contact me with any questions or just to talk.

Yahoo IM: masterderek5

Regards,
Master Derek

(in reply to angelkel)

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: a submissives control??

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.117