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chamberqueen -> RE: Switching slowly (2/12/2008 4:04:54 AM)
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I started as a sub but was much more into service than pain. My Dom pushed me too hard and too fast because he had never seen anyone so willing before. We ended the D/s relationship but remained friends.
Later I became engaged. A couple of months afterwards my fiance told me that we wanted me to be his very harsh Mistress. I got into that, and felt like it was really where I belonged. Then he was killed in Iraq.
I had subs both online and in real time, but because I had been engaged had chosen not to have sex with them. (My fiance was a fantastic lover and I didn't want to settle for anything less.) However, here was this void in my life. I was making my subs' fantasies come true and I was not getting any real pleasure other than knowing that I could get into their hearts and minds like no one else ever had.
I started being contacted by Doms who had a small switch side that they wanted to explore, and wondered if I might have the same thing. I contacted one Dom to explore what I was feeling and felt brutalized after the online session. I didn't know if it was something wrong with him or with me, but I had never put myself through so much pain (literally crying on cam) just to be told that I had a lot of work to do to be considered at all worthy.
I talked to another Dom online who insisted that I call him immediately. I called and we talked for almost 2 hours. He told me that some Doms are much more sadistic than others (as is also true of Dommes) and pointed out where he felt the man made mistakes. I told him that I felt inside as if I had just been raped; I felt dirty and abused and ashamed.
This daddy dom calmed me and made me feel worthwhile again. He made me see that I had done nothing wrong that "acted stupid" in his terms, because I had moved too fast with someone that I didn't know enough about to put my trust in. He made me to promise to call him immediately if I ever felt like doing anything stupid again, and if he couldn't get to the phone that meant that the answer was "no".
That was exactly what I needed. I needed to take a step down from the throne sometimes and have a shoulder to lean on. Since then he has become my daddy and I am under consideration for being collared by him. He takes care of my sexual needs while I take care of my subs' discipline needs (not at the same time, though that may come in the future).
I am both Mistress and slave. I am not ashamed of it though some have been highly critical and have called me some pretty ugly names. I am true to myself, and I will do whatever I can to help others to do the same. I have never felt more emotionally healthy in my life.
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