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Concerned for a friend - 9/12/2005 6:52:26 AM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

I met a wonderful lady on adultmatchmaker a couple of months ago and we've become good friends and playmates. She is into BDSM and takes a dominant role with me, and both she and Master have played with me on a couple of occasions.

Three weeks ago she went to a play party and met a Dom, who promptly set out to introduce her to submission. She seems to absolutely love it. Master and I met him last night and she and I played while both Doms watched, she took the Domme role with me as always but under her new Master's direction. She has told me he wants her to move in with him, after so short a time. He is a poly Dom who has several subs (not sure whether they all live with him or not). I am concerned that she is moving way too fast. He is quite sadistic, and more into the lifestyle than Master and I are.

She reckons she can handle living a poly lifestyle. However she does have a long distance relationship with another man who she says she loves a lot. She says if she could have them both she would be happy, but this Dom is making her choose. I feel like she is so caught up in all her new experiences that she is not thinking clearly.

What can I do.....I hate to see her making a mistake. I haven't known her that long that I feel comfortable bringing up such a personal issue......even though we get along great together both in and out of bed.

Post #: 1

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/12/2005 7:13:32 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Unfortunately being a good friend often means trusting them to live their own life. If she could read the boards she might read that she's going too fast, that she's not thinking long term, that there's no need to rush.

And it still probably wouldn't change anything- which is the real reason to say nothing at all.

There doesn't seem to be any actual danger or abuse or wrongdoing here, so unless asked specifically, I'd just keep my advice vague and supportive. No matter what happens, she's an adult making decisions for her own life- which means you get to keep your inner dialogue that goes "OMG how on earth can she do that?" all you want, and she gets to do the same to you. What? You don't think you've ever had friends say the same thing in their head at some point? :) We're all just living our own lives.

If you are ARE asked specifically, you can bring up your concerns gently, but end them by saying that your own friendship is more than flexible to go through whatever changes may arise and as long as your friend is remaining true to what makes her happiest, then all will work out.

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 2

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/12/2005 9:17:15 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
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quote:

What can I do.....I hate to see her making a mistake.

Just because she is doing things you don't agree with doesn't mean they are mistakes for her. I'm sure there are well meaning busy bodies who don't agree with the way you live your life; just how obnoxious would it be to hear them describe your decisions as "mistakes"?

You even admit you don't know her well enough to discuss it with her. So you should mind your own business.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 3

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/12/2005 12:18:52 PM

perfection20005

Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
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You can't make someone change their mind, all you can do is talk to her about it. If she is dead set on doing it, she's going to.

_____________________________

perfection

"I took one look at Him, and I knew He was my Master."

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 4

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/12/2005 1:27:18 PM

luvdragonx

Posts: 388
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

I second Emerald on this one. Wait until she asks what you think before you say anything. New Relationship Energy is powerful, as I'm sure we all know. any negative or cautionary comments might seem like an attempt to undermine her happiness, and she likely won't take that very well.

_____________________________

Never Without Love

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 5

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/13/2005 7:09:02 AM

ChereeAmoor

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline

First of all, I am glad you found someone so compatible that you enjoy being with. Good friends are a treasure, and none of us can have too many of them.

As far as this woman moving in with the new guy, you wrote

quote:

I am concerned

and you know, that is all you need to say to her. Whatever long-distance relationships she has are just that, and I imagine it is pretty simple to love someone from afar. If this new guy is going to make her choose, she can either do that or not - her call entirely.

And although this is ABSOLUTELY none of my business, you say

quote:

we get along great together both in and out of bed.

but then tell us all that you don't feel comfortable

quote:

bringing up such a personal issue

.

Dear heart - friendship IS a personal issue. Sure, it is her life and all, but what is life without our friends? Go ahead and speak up!

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 6

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/13/2005 8:57:03 AM

carefulsub

Posts: 32
Joined: 3/7/2005
Status: offline

This can be very difficult to pull ourselves back andlet the friend do what they need to do. I have recently gone through something similar. I had to step back and let her see the things that I was seeing. The huge red flags taht I was so sure she couldn't see she eventually did.

I know this is hard, but ifshe is in no danger, just be there for herno matter what.

careful

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 7

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/13/2005 7:31:10 PM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

Thanks all - I left my watch at her place on Sunday night and she's going to bring it over for me one night soon, so hopefully we can have a good talk then.

We had a short chat on msn yesterday where she confessed that she has never been so confused in her life. I sent her an email last night with links to a couple of pages about sub frenzy, and told her that I am here if she needs to talk about anything.

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 8

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/15/2005 9:54:43 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rayne58

Thanks all - I left my watch at her place on Sunday night and she's going to bring it over for me one night soon, so hopefully we can have a good talk then.

We had a short chat on msn yesterday where she confessed that she has never been so confused in her life. I sent her an email last night with links to a couple of pages about sub frenzy, and told her that I am here if she needs to talk about anything.

Hello There Rayne,
My advice is to give your opinion to her, but remember the choices are hers to make and if your fears come to light later she'll have no one to blame but herself.
I'd also like to say that I also have had relationships where things have gone from 0 to 100 miles an hour in a relationship befre too.
I also have friends that met and married in less than two weeks. They've been married for 36 years now.
It's good you're concerned for her as it shows how much you do care, but stopping her is not something that's within your right to decide for her.

Best of luck,
sub suzanne

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 9

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/15/2005 6:19:29 PM

MissDiandSirHugh

Posts: 1158
Joined: 8/11/2005
From: Goondiwindi ( Qld )
Status: offline

As already said no one can have enough friends at any time in life but as with life it is ours to live as we wish and we all know that there ae times after a bad experiance we have then said ( My fiends were righ and I should have listened ) so maybe if you state your feelings on her rushing in so fast but then tell her its her choice as well but you wil be there for her at any time.
May be exactly what is needed as well to have a bad experiance not that anyone should have them but from that a lesson would be learnt by your friend making her not throw caution to the wind makeing her more the wiser and not only slow down but look at every angle of any more relationships with someone.
Very harsh way to learn that sort of lesson we know and soemtimes the only way.
We wish her good luck and hope it dosent come to what you fear it will also no matter what happens you Rayne58 should hold your head up for haveing worries and friendship for this lady

(in reply to plantlady64)

Post #: 10

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/17/2005 5:39:21 PM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

Her b/f came to see her last week, they both came over on Friday night. The solution is for the b/f (who seems a nice guy btw) to move from Perth to Sydney (he is waiting to hear the results of a job interview). They will live at her place and she will spend a couple of nights a week subbing to the new Dom, at his place. That way if it all turns to custard she hasn't burnt her bridges and she has a stable place to go.

She told us that at the play party she met the Dom at, that she had just been doing a scene with wax play and was still coming down from subspace when he put his hand on her and said "You're mine", and her mind being still in a fuzzy state she said "Yes Sir". Now even if Osama Bin Laden did that to a sub still flying they would probably say "Yes Sir"

IMO, unfair and unbecoming of someone who claims to be a Master. My Master's opinion is rather stronger than mine - His impression was "complete tosser". However as many have said it is her choice, and she knows I am there anytime she needs to talk, so that is probably as much as can be done......

(in reply to MissDiandSirHugh)

Post #: 11

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/17/2005 5:47:33 PM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

<reads in amazement....

24, 32,7, 9, hut, hut: flea flicker, roustabout, longtoss, up the middle, flyby, over-to-ten, backpaddle to 6, hailmary!

What's the score?

Texas Maam

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 12

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/23/2005 4:47:34 AM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rayne58

Her b/f came to see her last week, they both came over on Friday night. The solution is for the b/f (who seems a nice guy btw) to move from Perth to Sydney (he is waiting to hear the results of a job interview). They will live at her place and she will spend a couple of nights a week subbing to the new Dom, at his place. That way if it all turns to custard she hasn't burnt her bridges and she has a stable place to go.

She told us that at the play party she met the Dom at, that she had just been doing a scene with wax play and was still coming down from subspace when he put his hand on her and said "You're mine", and her mind being still in a fuzzy state she said "Yes Sir". Now even if Osama Bin Laden did that to a sub still flying they would probably say "Yes Sir" IMO, unfair and unbecoming of someone who claims to be a Master. My Master's opinion is rather stronger than mine - His impression was "complete tosser". However as many have said it is her choice, and she knows I am there anytime she needs to talk, so that is probably as much as can be done......

She rang me this afternoon - it appears that Mr Domly Dom didn't go for the above solution

He wants her to commit to live with him 24/7 for 12 months. She is not sure she can do the 24/7 sub thing continuously for that amount of time. She's spent a few days living with him and experiencing the realities of it and is still as confused as ever.

The reason she's home again is he's got another sub visiting from interstate and she didn't want to be there with both of them. She's going to a play party with them tomorrow night. As I said he is poly and by the sounds of it has subs all over Australia.

The b/f has got his job and is moving to Sydney by the end of next week. She has until next Wednesday to make her decision. She will be able to play with the b/f, but only under her Master's direction, which is not something she is keen on (B/f is a switch too by the sounds of it). He has said if she chooses the Master that he will be a friend but nothing more.

We had quite a long chat and I told her of Master's and my concerns, she knows she can call any time and I will be there for her, but I can't make her decision for her. This lady does enjoy topping and IMO I can't see her lasting 12 months in a 24/7 submissive role. He will be supporting her, she won't have to work, which is another thing she may get bored with sitting at home waiting on Mr Domly's attentions. My impression of him is he has all the techniques and toys and talks the talk but there's no emotion in him, he's a player. *sigh* I guess I've done all I can do......

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 13

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/23/2005 4:54:42 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

he has all the techniques and toys and talks the talk but there's no emotion in him

I can't see it lasting if she chooses him. He sounds cold.

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 14

RE: Concerned for a friend - 9/23/2005 5:54:23 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

FROM WHAT IS BEING SAID HERE- it would seem obvious that no one has a clue how to develop a strong foundation in a relationship. Everyone is pushing and pulling and forcing and confused. No one is listening, communicating, taking their time and evaluating things long term.

BTW- lots of 24/7 subs top.

However, what is being said here is through filters. In the end they will all decide what works best for themselves. I can only hope she really understands the situation she commits to.

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 15

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