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DesFIP -> RE: Grief (2/20/2008 10:02:21 AM)
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I'm saying that it is lying to use someone else to help you heal without telling them about it.
I've done grief work because I got stuck in my grief and needed professional help to move on.
And I don't know any parent of a handicapped child who hasn't been angry at times at the unfairness of it. There's quite a difference between being angry and being angry at someone. My oldest has a rare and severe mood disorder. Have I been angry about the changes made in my life because of her disease? Certainly. Do I blame her for this and take out my anger or despair at her? Certainly not. Did I feel the same when my mother was dying slowly of cancer? Of course.
And if you are so stuck in your denial these many years later that you still aren't even able to acknowledge your feelings in private or to an anonymous forum, then you need professional help. Throwing all this on some nice woman who has no idea what she's in for is unfair and wrong. Look Bob, you've gone on and on in your last profile about the unfairness of it, and representing yourself as some kind of a saint simply because you've lost loved ones. You aren't. I lost one child and have another with a life long illness and I know I'm not a saint. I've railed against it, felt guilty because of railing and have come to accept that these are normal human responses to such situations. And because I can accept my negative emotions, I have helped others cope. Presenting yourself as some superhuman saint who doesn't have any negative emotions doesn't help you, and it hurts others who might make the mistake of coming to you for aid. Being honest, telling someone that sometimes you have to lock the door and scream or throw pillows and then get up, unlock the door and keep on coping, is being helpful. Lying to yourself means you lie to others and you set them up for failure.
Besides you've been doing it this way for how long now? At least two years here and I don't know how many years prior. And it isn't working for you. If it did, you would have met someone by now. Instead you qualify for Einstein's definition of insanity "Doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result".
If you keep doing the same thing and keep not getting what you need, it's your fault, no one else's. Please don't twist my words to mean it was your fault that your wife had cancer and your son was autistic because I am not saying that. But how you've chosen to deal with it while demanding other people be saintly and administer to your needs while not having any energy to deal with their needs, and therefore never finding anyone is your fault. Call Hospice, find a grief therapist, do the hard work. You won't be able to call yourself a saint anymore but you will be able to be a functioning person in your interpersonal interactions and that's a hell of a lot more satisfying.
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