finding a mistress

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

finding a mistress

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> finding a mistress

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

finding a mistress - 7/13/2004 11:14:10 AM

Posts: 2
Joined: 5/18/2004
Status: offline

i am searching for a sadistic mistress and am having a problem finding one. There are lots of mistresses out there, but the ones that contact me expect me to ask no questions, give them all my information, and agree to obey them BEFORE we start exploring to see if we are compatible or discussing limits. i was under the impression that this is a power EXCHANGE, and that i had as much right to ask questions and negotiate boundaries and expectations as a dom. Now, once we agree to a training contract, or a collar, then i expect to obey, but before that, i need to be able to ask questions and find out if this is someone i want to trust with my life. Am i crazy, or is there just an awful lot of domme wannabes out there? any advice would be appreciated.

RE: finding a mistress - 7/13/2004 11:30:22 AM

Posts: 457
Joined: 2/6/2004
Status: offline

lamb, The best advice anyone can give you, if it doesn't feel right, then don't do it. Patience, of course like all other personals, this was has is share of wannabes, out right fakes, and players. But then we also have true D/s as well. I read your entire profile, a helpful note on the comments side for the real Dommes seeking a female submissive might be appropriate. You history would be something you could provide a good prospect, not just put it up for all to read. That a safe vanilla meet would be acceptable to you, would let the Dominant know you want to start slow without screaming topping from the bottom. Once you have a face to face, then let your instincts lead you, have that safe call, pay attention to body language. And most important of all be safe. Sundew

_____________________________

~~~~~Enjoy the ride, the landing could get painful~~~~

(in reply to lambdakennels1)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/13/2004 11:32:37 AM

TrustLoveAlways

Posts: 15
Joined: 2/9/2004
Status: offline

Hello lambdakennels1 ...

For me personally, I hate it when I am talking with a potential and they do not ask any questions. It is my belief that it is just as important for them to ask questions and decide if we are compatiable as it is for me to ask about them. I do not expect any submissive male or female to obey me immediately upon first contact. If they are willing to throw themselves at my feet right away it is kind of a turn off to me. It makes me feel as if they will submit to just about anyone. There is nothing special about that. I do insist that they be respectful while conversing with me, but I do not expect anything more than that till it has been agreed upon by both parties involved.

Mz. Patti

(in reply to lambdakennels1)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/13/2004 11:35:12 AM

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

Ladies, pardon the intrusion...

lambda, what you're running into is common for just about everyone online. There are Doms and subs, males and females, who fit the Horny Net Geek stereotype you've just illustrated. There are also -real- Dommes here, and real Doms, and real subs, and real slaves. The problem is they're outnumbered somewhere between 4 to 1 and 10 to one (in my opinion.) What can you do?....

First, this is a great first step. The forums are a great way to show who you really are, and to learn who the 'genuine' Dommes are (as well as get an eye full of the fake ones.) It's easy to put up a ten minute profile and a fake photo, but experience is very difficult to fake. Also, be as active as you can in your local BDSM community. Your profile states you're near Dallas - which I'm quite certain has a thriving lifestyle group. As you're a lesbian, I understand there are women only groups that you may feel more comfortable at as well.

Personally, I'd have to fully agree with you - I would NEVER take a slave who has not taken the time to discuss her needs, expectations, and limits with. The collar isn't the beginning of her life - it's a huge change in her life, and one she should know full well the ramifications of. Saying "please collar me now" without first having established a relationship is one of the red flags that causes me to walk away.

Best of luck to you in your search.

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to lambdakennels1)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/13/2004 3:53:04 PM

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TrustLoveAlways
For me personally, I hate it when I am talking with a potential and they do not ask any questions. It is my belief that it is just as important for them to ask questions and decide if we are compatiable as it is for me to ask about them. I do not expect any submissive male or female to obey me immediately upon first contact. If they are willing to throw themselves at my feet right away it is kind of a turn off to me. It makes me feel as if they will submit to just about anyone. There is nothing special about that. I do insist that they be respectful while conversing with me, but I do not expect anything more than that till it has been agreed upon by both parties involved.

Patti, I could have written this exact same thing myself.

I met a woman online the other day and after 3 chats, she started calling me Mistress. Yikes! When I told her that I found it unappropriate for her to do so, she got upset with me and blocked me.

So lambakennels, have faith girl! This lifestyle has some very good people in it.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to TrustLoveAlways)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/14/2004 12:14:56 PM

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
Status: offline

Part of the problem for potentials in asking questions in the very beginning is there are some extremely reactive women in the scene these days that if you don't say the right thing, they cut of communication immediately, and that's the end of that. As communications on the net can be misinterpreted very easily, this fact makes it REALLY difficult for a potential submissive to want to be forthcoming with questions towards someone who may just cut commo lines and not want to speak again.

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/15/2004 5:42:13 AM

Naelo

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/20/2004
From: Montreal et Regions
Status: offline

[font="Verdana"]Good Morning ( as I am in Montreal ),

I personnally gives appointment to the ones interested in becoming slave/sub. I also let them know that until we have met ( more than once...and more then twice ) , I shall point out my decision and the slave/sub shall do the same. Once it is said and done, than, the relation will become a D/s as desired by both P/parties.

If I see a "potential" on this website I will ask for some things and it will be in an imperative way. However, if the slave/sub doesn't want to cooperate then this is it, I do not push the "screen slave/sub". The step between the Internet and Outdoors is always quite difficult (as being somewhat WAY tooo easy )...this is the Outdoor that will lead you the most. If the Mistress do not ask for any appointments then as you said, it is up to you to make up your mind.

For some people, it IS exciting to jump "eyes blind" into a D/s relationship...so many different kind of kink...

Naelo

(in reply to lambdakennels1)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/15/2004 6:06:54 PM

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Naelo

Good Morning ( as I am in Montreal ),
...
For some people, it IS exciting to jump "eyes blind" into a D/s relationship...so many different kind of kink...
Naelo

Bonsoir, as I am in Montréal as well :) Nice to see a few more Canadians here.

I agree with you that there are so many different kinds of kink. I also commend those who go after what they want and are crystal clear about it.

Welcome to the boards :)

- Lady Angelika

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Naelo)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/17/2004 4:09:56 PM

MistressZanthia

Posts: 88
Joined: 7/2/2004
From: Seattle, Washington, USA
Status: offline

I am going to toss my .02 cents in just because.

Yes, the web is full of wannabes, on all sides of the spectrum. Quite frankly most ladies don't have time to play 20 questions with every boy who comes along, and the slightest thing indicating she may have to, is very off putting to people with time constraints.

I for instance, do not email or chat with anyone but established friendships. Why? These exact same HNGs have wasted my time with their questions in the past and I refuse to go there again, ever.

Granted if I were looking for a personal submissive/slave I would ask those questions, but guess where? IN PERSON ONLY. As I have no interest in wasting time on the web/phone with someone who may be the love of my life or may be a "brother" to me because we haven't technically "sniffed each others asses" and determined that there is mutual chemistry that is required to pursue each other as potential mates.

So for starters, realize not everyone wants to take the time to get to know you in that way, because maybe they're jaded like I am in such a way that every submale who approaches her is looking for the opportunity to bait her into cyber play which for most women is no where near as gratifying as it is for males. And what seems like the most innocent questions to you about D/s S/M etc, is commonly masturbation fodder for the masses (and I mean masses) of HNGs out there. So wanting to put the cart (lifestyle interests) before the horse (having an actual relationship with another) is most assuredly the wrong way to approach it in my opinion.

Be prepared to ask a lady out and date like vanilla humans and do the "get to know you game" the only way it's truly possible. Instead being the demanding "do me sub" you appear to be with this post.

I am a sadist, and I'd torture you to tears and screams but guess what? I come with a cost, you want my expertise and creativity you'll have to pay for it in ways that make me happy (either a deep personal relationship [like formal collaring/marriage] or tribute there are no in betweens). But I'm a professional so I won't mince words. I don't accept "do me subs" for my personal relationships regardless, another "just not worth my time endeavor".

Now before you scream "foul" note that most if not all females come with a cost to the male, you may not see so clearly but we do. And I will grant I am high maintenance and costly right up front, I make sure the males in my life know who and what I am. I won't be the one who'd marry you, just to divorce you a year later and take your house, that's a vanilla female tactic. You choose what you prefer, honesty or subterfuge. Most of us dominant ladies will tell it like it is, I can't speak for the "wannabe dommes" I don't know any.

_____________________________

~*Zan*~
www.zanthia.com

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/17/2004 5:30:52 PM

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

Hello,

While I am not a Domme, I wanted to throw out that I agree with the following 100%
from a Doms perspective as well.

quote:

Be prepared to ask a lady out and date like vanilla humans and do the "get to know you game" the only way it's truly possible. Instead being the demanding "do me sub" you appear to be with this post.

When I meet for coffee I want to discuss philosophy, experiences, education, what makes myself and the other laugh, what makes us cry, and I want to observe the other person's interactions with other people.

What I dont really want to talk about are what play toys she likes, what her sexual proclivities are, etc., since I figure there is always time for such things when we have gotten to the point of "getting to know each other" and are moving to the "having windy walks" and "picking out curtains" phase of the relationship.

The answers to those questions are not what I base my interest in a relationship on. I base my interest in a relationship loosely around the question of whether the two of us in a relationship will leave the world a better place than the two of us apart.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to MistressZanthia)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/17/2004 6:14:54 PM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

I base my interest in a relationship loosely around the question of whether the two of us in a relationship will leave the world a better place than the two of us apart.

Sinergy

How beautifully put. I agree and I find it a rather lyrical way of putting it. It needs music.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to Sinergy)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/17/2004 6:34:09 PM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressZanthia

So for starters, realize not everyone wants to take the time to get to know you in that way, because maybe they're jaded like I am in such a way that every submale who approaches her is looking for the opportunity to bait her into cyber play which for most women is no where near as gratifying as it is for males. And what seems like the most innocent questions to you about D/s S/M etc, is commonly masturbation fodder for the masses (and I mean masses) of HNGs out there. So wanting to put the cart (lifestyle interests) before the horse (having an actual relationship with another) is most assuredly the wrong way to approach it in my opinion.

It's my opinion too, but I would also state (for myself) that I have been quite clear that I allowed myself to become a bit burned out and therefore have stepped WAY back and am policing my boundaries very stringently these days.

When it gets to the point that you have to hide your website behind a false front and save it to share with a precious few; and post 'leave me the fuck alone' profiles just to get the HNGs to leave you alone then it's a pretty good bet that the demand WAY out weighs the availability.

quote:

Be prepared to ask a lady out and date like vanilla humans and do the "get to know you game" the only way it's truly possible.

Before you ask me out you better get my attention in another way. Engaging conversation that has nothing to do with kink is one way, although I'm not likely to spend hours exchanging email with you and I WONT chat with you unless we happen to be in a chatroom together. My participation in chatrooms tends to wax and wane so it's not highly likely you'll get the opportunity. That pretty much leaves being introduced (or introducing yourself) in a public venue.

I don't do 'coffee' just to meet a 'potential' anymore. Waste of time.

quote:

I am a sadist, and I'd torture you to tears and screams but guess what? I come with a cost, you want my expertise and creativity you'll have to pay for it in ways that make me happy

I agree. It's a cost/benefit thing. Your submission isn't a gift to me if I don't have a relationship with you and I'm not likely to cultivate a relationship with you if all you bring to the table is the 'gift' of your submission. It's been done to death. Besides, I bring all KINDS of things to both the table AND the dungeon. If I don't value what I bring then nobody else will either.

Is this fair to the poor, earnest seeker? Newp. Guess what? Life isn't fair (newsflash). Overcome the lack of fairness in a creative, joyful way and you'll probably get my attention. No, I won't spell out how you can do that. Your ability to figure that out for yourself is a minimum criteria.

PS...coding this response to keep your font was a pain in the ass.

< Message edited by MizSuz -- 7/17/2004 6:35:59 PM >

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to MistressZanthia)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/25/2004 4:55:07 PM

MistressZanthia

Posts: 88
Joined: 7/2/2004
From: Seattle, Washington, USA
Status: offline

Sorry MizSuz, ya didn't have to keep my font, lol.

I have to say, I wish that there were a way to pick out submissive males in vanilla dating scenarios. But other than instinct, your own gut instinct and ability to sniff them out of the woodwork (which by the time we're 40ish and have been studying people for long enough we should all be able to do), easily enough. Life and hooking up with a possibly compatible D/s partner should be a lot easier to do from a regular "dating" standpoint.

Leaving out the sexual fantasy material until after you are emotionally involved with someone and truly care about his/her interests and proclivities, is sometimes to late, but seems the best way to bond with someone. As I am sure we all know that relationships based on sex and fantasy never last, they just don't. And no one wants to be wanted only for what they can do for you... that flat out sucks and not in a happy feel good way. Just say "no" to parasitic relationships.

Are we all in this vast catch 22? It would seem so. And sadly the submissive male has it hardest, he can't not want what he wants, but generally he goes about trying to get it in all the wrong ways... boys take notes! It's all well and good you want a dominant female in your life in some way, but note most of us are incredibly intelligent ladies also, not easily led or fooled by one's tactics. You may fantasize about us and not know we have minds, but we are another breed altogether and unless your integrity is in balance and your head and heart are in the right place, we pretty much will pass you up for someone who does have those ducks in a row.

We are not domination machines here to do your bidding and dominate you. And even professionals have their limits...

_____________________________

~*Zan*~
www.zanthia.com

(in reply to MizSuz)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/25/2004 8:54:10 PM

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressZanthia

So for starters, realize not everyone wants to take the time to get to know you in that way, because maybe they're jaded like I am in such a way that every submale who approaches her is looking for the opportunity to bait her into cyber play which for most women is no where near as gratifying as it is for males.

Just an aside Zanthia... though I understand your point of view, the original poster, lambdakennels1, is a girl.

Your profile says straight so I'm going to make a major assumption here that you don't date women. I do. And I can tell you that the general approach from women and from men is quite different.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to MistressZanthia)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/25/2004 8:56:35 PM

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I have to say, I wish that there were a way to pick out submissive males in vanilla dating scenarios.

Oddly enough, I've had some success with this. It might be the circles I hang out in and/or my openess. Who knows.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to MistressZanthia)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/25/2004 9:22:15 PM

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

How beautifully put. I agree and I find it a rather lyrical way of putting it. It needs music.

*does a punk riff on his kazoo*

Thank you very much. Given the choice of describing something in mindless everyday terms or describing it in lyrical, aesthetic terms, I generally choose the latter. Just more fun that way.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/25/2004 10:18:16 PM

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/24/2004
Status: offline

lambdakennels1...
you are completely correct in wanting to ask questions, i encourage any and all subs who might have an interest in serving me and My house to ask as many questions as they can think of, how else will they know if they can fit into My lifestyle? so I advise you to keep asking questions andif a so-called mistress tells you she doesn't answewr, only asks..RUNNNNNNNNN , run fast.....Good luck in your search, Bright Blessings MsFaerie
find out more about me at http://www.thehouseofmacho.com/faerie.html

(in reply to lambdakennels1)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/26/2004 4:00:57 PM

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsFaerieWings
andif a so-called mistress tells you she doesn't answewr, only asks..RUNNNNNNNNN

Fantastic advice.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to MsFaerieWings)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/26/2004 6:15:37 PM

Clay1

Posts: 12
Joined: 7/19/2004
Status: offline

Folks, I have had a rough time finding a mistress, too. I feel just like a lot of the other folks do. I feel as if saying the "wrong thing" will result in a total cut-off of communication between the two potential D/s parties. I know I should not feel any pressure to ask questions or have questions asked to me about limits, etc. Therefore, I will hopefully find a mistress that will let me know up front that it is ok that I ask questions...how else would we create that everlasting bond of trust? I also hope this for all the others who are in search of a master, mistress, etc. I have learned this from experience, even though it has only been online, is that you MUST not rush things. Like one person on here already said, talk about things other than the sex toys, and the play, etc. Get to know the other's real interests, hobbies, favorite foods, movies, etc. Treat it like an egg that needs to be incubated, not like a piece of meat. I have made the mistakes necessary to learn this lesson. And, I appreciate the friendly advice from others on here.

I look forward to going on in my bdsm world. Thank you.

~Clay~

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: finding a mistress - 7/27/2004 6:33:14 PM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
extremely reactive women in the scene these days that if you don't say the right thing, they cut of communication immediately, and that's the end of that.

Do you think someone like that is a 'real' Domme anyway? I've met men like that too, I'd never call anyone I could rile up so easily a Dom. I made it a sport to rile up trolling Doms. The madder I could get them the more they lost and the more I laughed.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to sarbonn)

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> finding a mistress

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.125