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A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 7:26:25 AM   
Dmon


Posts: 82
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		I joined a new bdsm yahoo group recently, and have been getting alot of warm welcomes. However, Last night I had a conversation with one of the domme's in the group, via Yahoo IM, and our conversation turned to something I felt I need to learn a bit more about.

Let me explain, I am a switch, and one whom only enjoys his D/S in the bedroom. I lead a vannilla life, I have vannilla friends, and when I become involved with a woman it's vannilla all the way up to play time, where we can become kinky. I respect D/S relationships, as a necessary/choosen path for some people. But in general, a D/S relationship holds no interest for me.

Now upon hearing this point of view, said Domme expressed a small amount of disapproval. I caught it, and I decided to press the subject a bit. She told me that I'm almost like every other man out there. That they all wanted to be paid attention to, pleased, and then left alone. That definetly got my blood up, considering that I have always stayed in contact with anyone I"m intimate with, and not always with sex on my mind. They are all my friends, and I treat them like friends, I enjoy spending time with them.

I was kind about it, though. I very clearly and very kindly told her not to "put me in that box".  She came back with an accusation, of me wanting a "no strings attached" relationship. I told her they are just different strings, the same that bind me to all my friends, male and female. Eventually I was able to explain to her what I meant, and again asked her "not to put me in that box".  Now I think her mind was a little clouded, by the fact I told her I'd never be her slave, or her sub. She may have read "over" the part were I said I was a switch. And she might just be a little moody, because I was another young man that she couldnt' bring into her stable.

But still the question remained. Is that how most Domme's look at my way of living? If I were told I'm not lifestyle then I wouldn't really care. Maybe I'm not lifestlye, but does that mean that I can't find intimacy with some one on a vannilla level, and then switch to the kink just for the fun of it?  Does anyone agree with her that most men just want a "wam bam, thank you maam." sort of relationship? I have a about a million more questions but not enough time to type them out.

So trying to get the femdom point of view from this one. Please Q in with your own thoughts. And seriously... any condecending talk, comments about my spelling, pety little crap thats not really a part of the conversations... please leave that out of your post. I generally responed in an unfriendly way, when some one decides to condecend to me. Which happend last time I posted here.

So let me know what you think.

D      
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 7:38:06 AM   
Sylverdawn


Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Everybody has a point of view. A bit of slap and tickle in the bedroom with a consentual partner is fine and Im sure there are times when in the privacy of your intimate relationship that might even expand out of the bedroom. However, if it doesnt thats fine.  People who are lifestyle might not take you all that seriously but that apparently isnt an issue for you so shrug it off and move on.

I think you have to understand the level of frustration that some people have with finding like minded male partners who are looking for more than just an object of their fantasy life. I think this is what you have run into. There are some women who believe all men are ment to serve just like there are some men who believe that all women are submissive in nature. The pendulum swings both ways. Don't let it worry you its not like someone online can have any meaningful impact on your life unless you allow it.

SD

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to Dmon)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 7:48:45 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		The problem with looking for kink in the bedroom in kink groups and organizations is that most of those venues were created by, are run by, and often primarily populated by people who do not think of BDSM as only bedroom activity.

The audience of these groups then is not the audience you should be looking to. You really just want open-minded vanilla people who like a bit of spice in their love life. That is very very very common.

I'd recommend you go to the usual vanilla places and when you have the discussion about intimacy you bring up SM and DS as fun then.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Dmon)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 7:54:12 AM   
Dmon


Posts: 82
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		Now if only it didn't seem like a recuring problem SD.  Most interesting, attractive, dominant woman that show interest in me, seem to flinch away when I say that I don't want to live the life of a sub. I'd be better off just lying to them till I get what I want, but my morals mean more to me than that, and I've found that being truthful from the start is always the easier path. Lol... damned if I do damned if I don't. So I take the high road.

(in reply to Sylverdawn)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 7:54:43 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		The issue with your conversation gone south is that each of you had vastly different expectations of what you seek to gain out of your BDSM interaction.  While your interaction might be identical, she seeks a relationship involving the person on a more deep and personal level.  You look for someone to be a platonic friend.  Neither the two shall meet, and as such, both of you would be disappointed and frustrated in trying to combat each others unfulfilled needs.

Accept it for what it is.  Now you know that there are women out there seeking an SM encounter who want a relationship more than just pals out of it.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Dmon)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 7:55:58 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

The problem with looking for kink in the bedroom in kink groups and organizations is that most of those venues were created by, are run by, and often primarily populated by people who do not think of BDSM as only bedroom activity.

The audience of these groups then is not the audience you should be looking to. You really just want open-minded vanilla people who like a bit of spice in their love life. That is very very very common.

I'd recommend you go to the usual vanilla places and when you have the discussion about intimacy you bring up SM and DS as fun then.

*clapping*  Totally agreed.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 8:02:42 AM   
Dmon


Posts: 82
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		But there's no comfortable meeting ground for us, bedroom kinksters? So were do we go. Please dont' take offense, but I consider BDSM a hobby.. for myself. It's a hobby that I like to explore quite a bit more than just liking to be tied up, or spanked. I look at it the way some guys look at racing car's or playing sports, or how some people take up painting, reading, or some other art. It's a very serious source of enjoyment, but it is first and foremost just for enjoyment. They lead other lives. They do give it there all, when it comes time to do it. So were to find people like that?

Told ya I had a million questions.

(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 8:07:36 AM   
MsIncontrol


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

The problem with looking for kink in the bedroom in kink groups and organizations is that most of those venues were created by, are run by, and often primarily populated by people who do not think of BDSM as only bedroom activity.

The audience of these groups then is not the audience you should be looking to. You really just want open-minded vanilla people who like a bit of spice in their love life. That is very very very common.

I'd recommend you go to the usual vanilla places and when you have the discussion about intimacy you bring up SM and DS as fun then.


I agree whole heartedly with TammyJo on this one.  Most if not all of my vanilla friends admit to liking a spanking, a blindfold or being tied up on occasion in the bedroom.  I think you may have better luck finding a vanilla girl with a twist vs. a lifestyle dominant to fulfill the role you are seeking.

On the other hand, maybe you have an illusion of what a 24/7 D/s relationship looks like.  I am married to my husband who is also my submissive.  Outwardly appearing we look and act just like any other couple/family on our street.  I am not wearing thigh high leather boots and walking him on a leash down the street.  We discuss household and financial matters together, we go to the movies, we go on family vacations etc. For all intense purposes our relationship is very much like most of our vanilla friends.  The difference is the power exchange.  My husband chooses to give powers to me but they are very subtle ways that many people wouldn't even notice.  Like opening doors, deferring to my judgment, allowing me to select the restaurant or the movie or the vacation spot.  He has a say...he can voice his opinions and likes...but I make the final decision.  I don't have him ask to go to the bathroom (usually)...but he does sleep in bondage almost every night. 

I just wanted to give you a picture of MY D/s relationship.  You can make your relationship whatever you and your partner want it to be.  You don't need to have pre-conceived notions of what it is SUPPOSE to be. 

_____________________________

Happiness is only real when shared. - Christopher McCandless

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 8:07:36 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dmon

But there's no comfortable meeting ground for us, bedroom kinksters? So were do we go. Please dont' take offense, but I consider BDSM a hobby.. for myself. It's a hobby that I like to explore quite a bit more than just liking to be tied up, or spanked. I look at it the way some guys look at racing car's or playing sports, or how some people take up painting, reading, or some other art. It's a very serious source of enjoyment, but it is first and foremost just for enjoyment. They lead other lives. They do give it there all, when it comes time to do it. So were to find people like that?

Told ya I had a million questions.


They're out there on vanilla websites -- freaks in the bedroom, so to speak.  I used to come across them all the time.  Try craigslist.com in your town......that has yielded me alot of vanillas turned really freaky (without any warning too.)

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Dmon)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 12:04:23 PM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dmon
But still the question remained. Is that how most Domme's look at my way of living?

So let me know what you think.


None of us can answer for "most dommes".  I will answer for myself:  I am not interested in men who only want to submit in the bedroom.  In fact, I would say the needs of a "bedroom bottom" are directly and diametrically opposed to mine; my need to dominate in the bedroom is by far the mildest and most expendable aspect of my dominant nature, and the one I would most easily trade for standard vanilla relations, if I was going to compromise my own needs in some way.

That being said, the one thing I like less than a bedroom bottom is a liar and a user.  I am willing to play occasionally, in a non-intimate way, with people I consider "just friends"--and I will also include such people in my social network and introduce them to my other friends (hint:  "other friends" sometimes means "dommes you would be more compatible with").  On the other hand, someone who tries to deceive or manipulate me is going to make an enemy for life, and if some other domme tells me about a bad experience with you, I am unlikely to want to have a similar bad experience my own self.

So...don't think for a second that you are "better off" by lying.  Short-term satisfaction can have long-term consequences.  And judging solely by my own case, I would say that you could probably get occasional non-sexual play from a D/S oriented woman on a friendship basis, and have a much higher likelihood of meeting the right woman in the community, if you stick to telling the truth about what you want.  I may not want to be emotionally involved with you myself, if we're incompatible, but if I think you are a good person I could introduce you to friends that you might "click" with better.  On the other hand, if I know you're a lying usurious weasel scumbag?

Not so much.

I have cruised by a few profiles of other dommes on CM and there seems to be a LOT of variety in what they are looking for.  Some women enjoy sadism in the bedroom and specifically do not want a D/S relationship in their day-to-day lives.  For many women the D/S aspect of day to day life is highly negotiable.  You will probably find what you're looking relatively soon, if you don't set every bridge around you on fire.

Just my two pence.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to Dmon)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 12:22:43 PM   
KindLadyGrey


Posts: 358
Joined: 11/6/2007
Status: offline 		I don't think there's anything wrong with that as long as you are honest about it. I don't really think there's anything wrong with a guy who DOES pop onto a fetish dating site and says "Hey, I'm looking for a spanking and a quick fuck. Anyone up for it?"

I'm not saying that's you, just saying that being up front about your desires and boundaries is the way to go in this community. If you are politely firm about your boundaries most people will respect that. There is nothing unusual about wanting a little kink in the bedroom but not wanting to carry it into every day life, and it doesn't mean you'll never fit in in the kink community either or that you are doomed to date around hoping you don't freak out vanilla women.

So chill daddyo, and go out and have fun. If people reject all of you just because of this small part of you, then they have simply self selected themselves out of your way and you have a clearer path to finding the things and people who really will make you happy and treat you with respect.

(in reply to Dmon)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 12:32:23 PM   
LadySharon


Posts: 9
Joined: 2/1/2008
Status: offline 		I'm relatively new to the community, but have the luxury of being guided by an experienced pro domme, AtlantaMistress. She's also my daughter. I have been very fortunate in all aspect of my new lifestyle.
 
Most of the men that I've had contact with have been honest about what their interest in and committment was to BDSM. I have two subs now that call me Mistress in and out of the bedroom. Sex wasn't the first consideration or even part of the discussion when we began the 'meeting' process. It was understood from the beginning that I would set the limits and if those limits included no sexual contact with my body... so be it.
 
What absolutely makes me angry enough to chew ground glass are the 'boys' who send a message that starts with "Hi. I'm going to do W, X, Y and a bit of Z to with your body. Those are the morons that get a quick verbal spanking via my keyboard and then they go into the land of the cyber blocked. For some reason some of these Neanderthals think that BDSM is another way to spell SEX!
 
If there were a way to screen out the people who haven't a clue about the committment and trust aspect of BDSM this site would be a very small site indeed.

(in reply to ShaktiSama)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 12:39:43 PM   
LordVelvet


Posts: 311
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		I am not a Mistress but when you say you are a Switch do you mean BDSM vs Vanilla or Dom vs sub? I couldn't tell by your thread. Also just because one Lady didn't like you don't toss in the towel, as I would read what TammyJo said at least twice. Just My thoughts.
LordVelvet

< Message edited by LordVelvet -- 2/28/2008 12:41:19 PM >

_____________________________

It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not - Van Zant

(in reply to KindLadyGrey)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/28/2008 1:10:17 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dmon

But there's no comfortable meeting ground for us, bedroom kinksters? So were do we go. Please dont' take offense, but I consider BDSM a hobby.. for myself. It's a hobby that I like to explore quite a bit more than just liking to be tied up, or spanked. I look at it the way some guys look at racing car's or playing sports, or how some people take up painting, reading, or some other art. It's a very serious source of enjoyment, but it is first and foremost just for enjoyment. They lead other lives. They do give it there all, when it comes time to do it. So were to find people like that?

Told ya I had a million questions.



One thing you can do is to be completely upfront about what you are looking for long before you get to any one-on-one conversation. However, we've seen it on this forum before, a woman or man who is into for more than bedroom fun may try to convert you or get pissed so that is a risk you will take approaching them.

You could also only approach those who are also upfront about what they want and make sure it matches what you want. If they don't say and approach you, ASK IMMEDIATELY so you avoid the same conversation you report.

The other is to take MisPandora's advice and really stick to the vanilla for the dating pool but join lists and clubs to get information and talk about kink. You don't have to be looking for a partner, casual or ongoing, to share an interest, in fact, sometimes the lack of potential intimacy can help you learn more because you aren't distracted.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Dmon)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/29/2008 4:41:38 AM   
chezzy52


Posts: 220
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		I was once told by a very sage and wise Domina that i have identified with who i am and what makes my engine run if you please.So stick to who you are is all i can say.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/29/2008 5:32:34 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I feel this way about it, to each their own. If you identify as a switch that is who you are, just as I identify as a Dominant. I am not going to say your way is "wrong", in fact I think switches are sometimes some of the more well rounded and happy people in the lifestyle. They don't have to worry about labels or sweat "Am I a Dom or a sub?" They can be either depending upon who they are with at the time.

I know many people however do seem to have a dim view of switches and I think thats because they really do not understand the dynamics of being a switch. There is an energy flow there between two people and that energy type changed depending upon who they are with.

So would I have a problem taking  on a switch? No not really as long as the person in question realized that I am the one in charge. If your a bedroom switch then that can complicate matters, if it were a casual relationship then I'd say do what you want as long as you realized I am doing what I want because my Dominance doesn't stop at the bedroom door. But if it was a deeper relationship, again as long as you realized that I would do whatever I wanted and you could accept that, I don't see a problem. If you couldn't then there would be no relationship. BUT thats just how I work, I know others can't function that way.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to Dmon)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/29/2008 5:37:43 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		You've received a lot of good advice, let me tell you that there are some people out there who do understand and for whom you are a desirable person.

I have a very complete and encompassing D/s (also partner/lover/Gf etc) relationship that I am happy in.  I am also interested in having a male in my life in service.  In that relationship, the D/s could stop at the bedroom door if we decided that.  I'm not 100% that I want that, but I'm open to it.  The previous man in my life it did stop at the door; we were both happy with that.

It takes all kinds, and the key is to be clear and upfront from the beginning with people.

good luck

(in reply to Dmon)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/29/2008 9:59:08 AM   
LadyRainfire


Posts: 6040
Joined: 2/20/2008
Status: offline 		I think the thing to do, Dmon, would be to just be you. No lies, no BS, no games, just you. I've been burned pretty bad which is why I joke that honesty is a near-fetish with me now. Be upfront with people and if they have a problem, let it go and realize that it's their problem. No need to push it or let it get ugly. Unfortunately, the Domme you spoke with has made some harsh generalizations. I don't think all men are like that. When I talk with a man, I'm perfectly clear that I'm not 24/7 though there are at times, very subtle reminders of the D/s relation. As MsIncontrol said, perhaps a review of what a 24/7 relationship looks like might be in order, should you get into a long-term relationship.

_____________________________

"Desire is an insatiable beast. Sample your strongest dreams, and you will only crave more." ~ Master

~ one half of "L&L"~

My current state of mind

(in reply to Madame4a)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/29/2008 11:27:37 AM   
Dmon


Posts: 82
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		Well as I've said before. I'm always honest. Sometimes a lie will get you a little short to satisfaction, but it always ends up biting you in the ass. Besides that, I would be cheapening myself, if I wasn't honest.

Hearing what alot of you have to say on the subject is giving me a few mixed feelings, but many have suggested that I am doing the right thing. Being up front, and hoping for some one like minded.

(in reply to LadyRainfire)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: A questions of commitment - 2/29/2008 12:04:31 PM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		Remaining honest and open also gives everyone a chance to really get to know each other and to grow, Dmon--including you.  People do change to accomodate one another in relationships, and people do transform as they go deeper into D/S.  For the right lover you might evolve into a different sort of submission, or even become an outright dominant--it has happened to many people.  Or you could find someone who started with rigid ideas of her dominance and discovered that being with you was more important than her preconceived ideas!  


_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to Dmon)
Profile   Post #: 20
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