RE: Mentoring (Full Version)

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MistressFaye1 -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 4:33:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Fox108

Hi, thanks for the reply,  I have another question.  The misstress that I'm refering to wants me to feel comfortable with me being her number 1, but she wants her subies to stay in the pic.  She also just had one of her subies from overseas come and live  with her even though I told her that I didn't want this to happen.  And she has said if she wants to have intercourse, if she feels she will.  I don't know how any of this helps me to come into the life style.  Being that we have only known each other for less than 3 months.  But she wants to continue a relationship.  I don't see how she can mentor me if shes moving so fast, regardless of what I say.  I think I need her for mentoring, and I would like to develop the relationship but I have reservations.  What should I do


Since you have only known her for three months and she is willing to develop a relationship and there is NO commitment here from either of you, why would you think you can place limits on her?  Why should she change her life when there is not an established 1:1 relationship between the two of you.

The fact she is willing to mentor you means you knew about her lifestyle, knew about her submissives and YOU still chose to be in a relationship with her.  It seems to me that she has been open and upfront with you so that you CAN make informed decisions rather than make assumptions about what is going on.

Her continuing to have her submissives as she mentors you has little to do with what you are trying to do.  You stated she sees some "Dom" traits in you, what do you think?  If your decision to embark on this journey as a way to get closer to or seal some type of relationship with her, I'd advise you not to do so.

Sure... learning about the lifestyle is a great undertaking and I admire you for your willingness to learn about the lifestyle.  No one fits into any box...

Let me ask you this...  As you grow and learn, take on submissives of your own, will you hold yourself to the same retraints you apparently want from her?  Has she placed any restraints on you????? 

Getting someone not in the lifestyle (vanilla) to understand at times is a major undertaking to say the least. 

Good luck... my advice to you is to search yourself and determine WHY you want to become a Dom in the first place.  It may very well be for the wrong reason(s).

Faye



Stephann -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 10:16:40 AM)

Hiya Fox,

Sounds like you're confusing a mentoring relationship with a romantic one.  I certainly wouldn't be putting my slave or anyone else I was involved with on hold to mentor someone.  I would expect, to no small degree, that the person I'm mentoring would benefit from seeing how I interact with them, how I treat them, and they would likely also assist in his/her growth both in terms of the relationship they may develop as well as serving as target practice (so to speak.)

With this in mind, a mentor is someone you need to truly feel you respect.  It sounds a bit like you aren't sure you respect this woman for her choices, so you have to ask yourself if you truly feel she has something to teach or offer you.

Regards,

Stephan



Elegant -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 10:21:56 AM)

Something I post when the mentoring debate arises:


  What Is Mentoring?

  Mentoring is often a buzzword in business, industry, schools, faith based entities and leather communities but do we all mean the same thing when we talk about "mentoring"?  The terms, "mentor" and "mentoring" are used rather loosely to describe a wide range of roles and activities, and so the words have come to mean different things to different people. I actually find it humorous that this language debate pertaining to the concept of mentoring is frequent worldwide in more than just leather communities. Is there a Master Webster out there who cares to revise the entire dictionary for the leather community?

  Dictionaries can only help us understand what mentoring means. Look up the word, "mentor", and you will most likely find that each dictionary has a slightly different definition. Generally the definitions contain two common elements:

~Trust: The mentor is a trusted individual

~Experience: The mentor is more experienced than the protégé and freely shares that experience with the protégé.


  Now look at your thesaurus, and you will find that a mentor can also be thought of as a:
~Friend
~Advisor
~Coach
~Guide
~Teacher
~Role model


  The origin of the word ‘Mentor’ can also be useful in defining mentoring. Greek Mythology holds the history of the word ‘Mentor’. Odysseus, the hero of Homer's Iliad, left home to fight in the Trojan War. Odysseus had a son, Telemachus. While Odysseus was off at war, the goddess of domestic arts, Athena, disguised herself as an old man, and became Telemachus' guardian and teacher. Her name was "Mentor".

  The modern use of the term mentoring more likely comes from the work of 18th century French writer Fenelon who was also an educator. In addition, African scholars have noted that mentors were commonplace in Africa, long before the ancient Greek civilization.

  Leaving the wordsmithing aside there is truly no hard and fast definition for mentoring that is supported by all. Generally it means pairing a learner with someone more senior and more experienced to offer support, encouragement and guidance. The key to mentoring is developing a one-to-one relationship with a goal of strengthening personal development. A mentor should be someone you can confide in, and ask for help in resolving a situation or making a decision. While mentoring should not be confused with coaching, counseling or training, it can contain an element of all these. A mentor is someone who acts as a role model, compatriat, challenger, guide or cheerleader.

  Mentoring, no matter in what segment of society is it being practiced, is the balancing heart, mind and spirit.

  Elegant
~slave to Master Archer
  Past Executive Director of an affiliate of an international youth mentoring organization



LadyHugs -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 12:12:46 PM)

Dear Constrictor1, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I will have to be another added 'me to' as to an agreement on what Master Archer had to say.
 
Mentoring, it is giving of our hard earned knowledge, first hand experiences and found secrets to make techniques better and the like.
 
Many times the targeted assumptions as to being a mentor is either physical and or sexual.  However, I find as a mentor myself--I like to pose questions to someone who is seeking my teachings and or mentoring.  The intent I have, is to train them to see through their own eyes and learn their own standards and measurements.  How many times can we relate to seeing a glass that might be half full or half empty on a table and both are correct in that 'camera shot' observation.  To then expand that, as to notice the details and or the circumstances how that glass became half empty or half full.  Problem solving is another skill that is passed on.  Learning patience as well as tact.  It also can be a mentor who 'translates' the unheard language, e.g. through body language, eyes, voice and such.  The gift/art of being able to anticipate and thwart a behavior and or attitude; as well as controlling your personal space and thus--control those who wish to enter that personal space.  Mentoring, can often be brutal in it's truth--sometimes we don't wish to hear someone's critique but, it is better to have someone honest and keep you from being blind to how one's behavior is causing collateral damage and or effects and or direct damage and or effects/affects to one's reputation and good name.
 
I consider mentoring another -- is offering a hand up and not a demeaning trial of endurance.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



Fox108 -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 1:10:49 PM)

Thanks for your response.  I made a mistake and placed a similar  posting in multiple places wanting to get some input from both Doms, Male and Female
But In the begining, she informed me that she was in BDSM but there was no BDSM involved between me and her.  She says that she has to hold back.  Now she wants me to venture into the lifestlye and see if I like it with her. I am curious and open minded, but there are some things I will not do.  We argue and its mainly because I disagree with some of the things that she does in the life style.  I think she is pushing me to fast, But I have consented to at least explore as much of it as possible.  Thanks, your the first person here to take me serious



Evility -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 5:14:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Constrictor1
In this lifestyle that we participate I can't help but notice that so many people feel that all that is needed to become a master is a loud voice and self proclamation. Oh yeah or read a few books.


Well, gee... that was only slightly condescending. They aren't any worse than all the folks who think "Hey - this is the way I did it. Everyone should do it this way." I think I've learned more about domination from occasionally switching with my own submissive than I could have by mentoring with a dozen other dominants. Many dominants don't agree with that sort of 'mentoring'. Different strokes.



LadyPact -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 5:24:28 PM)

I, also, am in agreement with Archer.  Especially with the notion that the 'connect the dots' theory, is a huge benefit.

I have folks in the lifestyle that I consider mentors.  Though they might not be formalized by that title, it makes what they teach Me nonetheless valuable.  I'm very much a hands on person.  I could read books all day on florentine flogging, for example, but until I get out there and do it for Myself, it's not going to mean much to Me.  I'm the same with a lot of other skills. 

In return and gratitude in what was given to Me, I tend to pass along what I know to others.  While private lessons in these things might not exactly be considered mentoring, they are certainly wonderful teaching opportunities.  I'm honored any time someone admires My skill enough to want Me to teach them.



marieToo -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 6:33:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I can somewhat buy into the whole mentoring thing when it comes to  learning how to use certain toys so as not to harm, but I can't understand mentoring for mental aspects of bdsm.  That kind of dynamic will be so unique to a relationship.  How can anyone "guide" you in that?


And here I was gonna ask you for some mentoring lessons on how to be a dirty little slut.



Aileen1968 -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 7:14:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I can somewhat buy into the whole mentoring thing when it comes to  learning how to use certain toys so as not to harm, but I can't understand mentoring for mental aspects of bdsm.  That kind of dynamic will be so unique to a relationship.  How can anyone "guide" you in that?


And here I was gonna ask you for some mentoring lessons on how to be a dirty little slut.


You don't need lessons, Sweetie.  You wrote the book.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 7:16:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I can somewhat buy into the whole mentoring thing when it comes to  learning how to use certain toys so as not to harm, but I can't understand mentoring for mental aspects of bdsm.  That kind of dynamic will be so unique to a relationship.  How can anyone "guide" you in that?


Hi Aileen,

From my perspective, I have had "unofficial mentors"  who had experience along the same path I was traveling.  Learning from them helped to pave my way without scratching myself up too much. 

While what I needed to know was mostly specific to my own relationship, things like learning to get out of my own way...learning to understand why I might be resisting something...and having someone point out what I wasn't seeing...were areas of help that were most valuable to me.

It's that kind of advice and mentorship that helped me learn myself, which in turn helped me in my relationship.  My Master isn't one to fix things for me, nor is he one to give me all the answers.  I have a responsibility to make my own discoveries and to find resources who can offer perspectives that I haven't considered.  He didn't want to spoon feed me into this relationship (not to say that's what you would want for yourself, either), and liked that I had some trusted resources who would be honest with me and broaden my thinking.

One of my most valuable conversations was on the phone with a slave whose experience runs circles around mine and whose opinion I hold in high regard.  For about 45 minutes she asked me questions about my thought processes, and as I answered each question, I delved deeper into myself and found the answers I was looking for.  Until that conversation I was chasing my own tail for a very long time.  That's the kind of guidance a good mentor can provide.

I would imagine a dominant person would benefit from the same kind of relationship.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 7:30:20 PM)

And I'm just an annoying picky cyber switch who rabidly gets onthe case of every person I feel has real potential but still has their head up their ass :)



ownedgirlie -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 7:39:24 PM)

LMAO!!!

Hey I've popped free from that dark place a time or two because of someone just like that...[8D]



LadyHugs -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 7:41:16 PM)

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Not really directed at any particular post and or person.
 
I realize that mentoring can be taken in many ways, it is a word that can be used in several meanings on and of it's own.
 
However, I am of the belief, that being an inspiration; we (in a general sense) are mentoring, creating a standard of behavior, skill and or inspiration to go beyond the normal for others.  I believe in the goodness of others as to share what they know and at times, share their tools as to permit the ability to feel for one's self first before buying a tool and the like.  With that said-- It must be said, that people with experience, willing to share, teach, coach, council, instruct, train, mentor, give presentations and or demonstrations and the like; are not obligated to anybody to depart with their first hand knowledge, skills and or such.  I do believe it is an assumption by many that 'scene members are obligated' to tell and or show.  Well, that is a truthful assumption.  It can be easily done, as to have all mentoring, teacher sorts and giving natures to have a resolve to stop any and all sharing.  Then, everybody can slug it out and make a mess of things and learn from the long road and not be given short cuts.
 
The reasons that mentors still exist and are giving; to which I will say--I am not including those who misuse their status/position/opportunity as a mentor. 
 
What is done within BDSM, S&M, M/s and or D/s--has existed long before all of us were born.  It did not have these little tag labels but, debauchery has been documented in many forms and in many ways.  What has been done then and into the present, has been done through the tools that exist today--education.  The student is taught and one day, hopefully the student will teach and pass things down. Although there is no 'block building school;' per se to gain uniformed education--it will have to remain basicly a form of 'home schooling' and shared information and or skills.  The 'Internet' has allowed the connection on a global basis however, learning is for the person who wishes to improve themselves.  I find, I learn something new daily--even if it is not BDSM, M/s and or S&M related--I am still actively learning and will apply it in life and or BDSM.
 
I just personally hope, for all concerned--that there will always be those who graciously depart with their knowledge, skills and their desire to help others succeed in their journey.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 
 
 



FangsNfeet -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 7:49:36 PM)

I think mentoring and or instructing now and then is great. Not only are you helping another person, but you're also reminding yourself of the things that you should also be doing as well. After all, talking the talk encourages you to walk your walk.



Lumus -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 7:50:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

And I'm just an annoying picky cyber switch who rabidly gets onthe case of every person I feel has real potential but still has their head up their ass :)


Funny.

I don't recall you getting on my case..




SailingBum -> RE: Mentoring (2/29/2008 9:36:47 PM)

Yes I understand the concept of mentoring.  No I don't need anyone to "explain how to do my kinks"  Im not the sharpest knife in the drawer.  Somethings I can figure out for myself.  What's the big deal if you have a couple of oh shit moments?  I'm damn sure not gonna let anyone near my girl to show me the ropes as it were.  Go find your own girl to mentor. 

BadOne



Justme696 -> RE: Mentoring (3/1/2008 1:29:25 AM)

I am still mentored by the girls I own and did own. Never stop learning
In the past when I just started a had a few subs, slaves and kajira's..leading me in to this world. They showed me what is was really about.



antipode -> RE: Mentoring (3/2/2008 8:53:19 AM)

I have mentored, and am mentoring, a number of young people, it is, to me, one of the great rewards of experience. This isn't just in the D/s world, but vanilla as well. I find that I especially mentor past playmates, and in one case a playmate's husband. Mentoring is, in my book at least, about life, more than about a narrow slice of it.



MasterTrader -> RE: Mentoring (3/3/2008 11:18:05 AM)

It is my personal opinion that mentoring is a preferred method as opposed to learning from other sources.  I myself was mentored some 33yrs ago by a professional Dom.  More of a school actually and though as a twenty year old I didn't understand fully why I was asked to study subjects such as psycology, human anatomy, behavior modification and others, over the years it finally became apparent.  A 24/7 Master/sub/slave relationship holds great responsibility for the Master as you are responsible for their mental, emotional, physical needs and happieness.  Your sub puts great trust in your wisdom and decision making and you must have a solid foundation in the philosophical aspects of the D/s dynamic and human emotion.



DarkDaddyZ -> RE: Mentoring (3/3/2008 11:31:41 AM)

~fr~ In this thread I've noticed some people (I won't name check because I dont' want to be on anyone's nutsack-ghetto term LOL- but they know who they are)...have mentioned being mentored but I've also noticed many who talk about mentoring but no mentioned of being mentored, is anyone troubled by may who mention they mentor but never mention being mentored themselves?

Maybe it's because I switched back to Peets' Coffee and not functioning right yet......

Z-



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