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RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 1:06:08 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		I am so sorry, I think with any break up the only thing you can give yourself to get over it is time. Every day will make it a little bit easier. Dont pretend you dont feel it, feel the crap it always makes it easier to let it go and move on. Each person who touches us in our lives leave us with something new about ourselves. Remember the good parts and realise that longevity is irrelevent, try to take solace in the fact that you had it while you did. Its all bloody hard though and giving advice is so easy. take care of yourself
xx


_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 1:11:57 PM   
Kalli71


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/9/2006
Status: offline 		Good thoughts, good things and bright blessings to you.

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 1:45:36 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		I am so sorry for you.  It sucks when you are in love with that person and the other party does not have those feelings for you.  Take comfort that he will be the one who is dealing with an unplanned pregnancy and that will be with him for the remainder of his life. 

Old habits are very hard to try to break especially if you have spent a good amount of time with him training you.  I also agree with the previous posters, take your time to grieve, cherish the good times, and set a time limit to move on. 

You may also want to write down things that you might want to do, maybe take classes for an activity you could enjoy, go out with friends, update clothes or have a new hairstyle, and someday, go to some munches to meet other people in the future.  Living well is the best revenge! 

Hugs to you as I am sure we have all been there with that lost feeling when a breakup occurs. 

(in reply to Kalli71)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 1:45:48 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Habits are formed and broken in 21 days according to behavioural science.
That's consistent practice of 21 days. two ways I know that work best.
1. One at a time replacing habits (identify the habit and decide what new habit you want to replace it with)
2. Everything at once (Sweeping change kinda like a frsh instalation of the operating system for the computer when you haven't back up, have to reload all your old programs again)



(in reply to Kalli71)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 2:07:13 PM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		To overcome what I was *conditioned* to at a certain point in my life took me....alot of time. Looking back to much time. I did it in silence and I did it alone...Not a good way to do it.
 
Live and learn.
 
I am not sure if your dealing with a habit or things your master/dom conditioned you to.
 
Keep talking to your friends...

(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 2:41:43 PM   
SeeksOnlyOne


Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

wow, seeks...that's a very short amount of time for the grief/healing process.
did it really work?


it really did.....now the one month was set after a week in the bed crying and knowing i would surely die without the hubby, not instantly.  i think it helped in some strange way that a year before the divorce, i had had mom in home hospice for a month, and held her hand as she died.  once i got out from under the covers, my mind said to me "seeks, you have buried your momma.....if you can survive that, you will damn sure survive this!"

as for the break with the dom, that was made after a lot of self examination, and not a decision made instantly, but once made, i havent looked back.  i have talked to him, and we both understand it had to end, bittersweet as it was.  i only remember it fondly....and with it a year in the rearview mirror, the fact i was able to make the decision and know it was right and not falter, well that helps me know how strong i am and can be, which is a great feeling in its own way.

course, the flip side is that im so fukn comfy in my own skin and alone, i aint apt to put up with much shit these days, but que sera sera i figure.

and at the op's age, id have probably fallen into a puddle in the floor and gone nuts..... but i really think the mindset of "this will make me stronger and i will survive it and the experiences have made me who i am" can help anyone.

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 2:45:26 PM   
SeeksOnlyOne


Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Statepalace

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeeksOnlyOne

patience hon.....after the breakup of my 20 year marriage, and the breakup of me and my first dom, i actually set a time limit on mourning.  i gave my self one month for the ending of the marriage, and one day in the ending of the other relationship.  then i just refused to look back, refused to have regrets, and realized all of it helped me become who i am today.

of course, i have no idea if i would have had the strength to do this at your age.  and thats not youth bashing, just the facts as they realate to me and my experiences.

good luck, and just remember, you are going to be all right.....go slow



I can mourn, and move through the grief. That's not the problem. I too have ended a marriage, and while not 20 years, 6.5 is a decent stretch.

It's just that so much else is missing.


he is missing, but please dont forget you are not, and with or without him you can be the delightful person that you are....you just have to find her again....she is in there and will show up when its time.

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 4:01:57 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Damn women and there ability to replicate themselves....he should have stuck to anal.

Honorable thing my ass. Take solace in the fact that he will soon be miserable....Those little fuckers are soooo selfish. Leav'em alone for a few hours to do some fishing and there is an equally of good a chance they'll go and die on your ass....Then ya got troubles. People are so touchy anymore about this kinda shit.

Go find someone to knock your ass up...That'll show him!!!

Airfare to Chicago is rather inexpensive this time of year....I can't help break you of your old habits...But the side effects of sudden cum withdrawal can be devastating...Use me as a resource...I'm only here to help.

Go with God, my child.

_____________________________



(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 4:06:45 PM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		Damn.  I'm so sorry to hear this hasn't worked out the way you wanted it to.  All I can think is that it will take time to get over the routines of your daily life which you used to perform to please him.  Are there anythings you would do that you hated doing?  Perhaps you could do the opposite of a few of these and try and break yourself that way of the habit?  Losing someone who was the 'why' behind so many good things for you is awful, and I don't want to offer any trite platittudes.  ::passes the tissues::  Many hugs to you.

(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 4:58:32 PM   
Statepalace


Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline 		domiguy - I feel a little more warm and cuddly now. Didn't think I would ever say that in response to one of your posts!



_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 5:11:06 PM   
Statepalace


Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline 		Well, I did something rather unsubmissive like tonight.

He emailed me, and in the midst of saying how He wishes things could be different, told me I should look for another Dom. He doesn't want that, but "can't give you what you deserve".

I told Him that He was forgetting the basis of D/s logic. He can't tell me what to do if He's not my Dom.

So I thought, what the hell, and told Him that I was in heels and following His rules until He literally ordered me not to be, and He could just "be a big Dom and get over it". None of this "you deserve more bullshit".



So, He says she's a very vanilla girl that He doesn't want to hurt, but has no interest in other than doing the responsible thing and supporting her and the baby.


I stop waiting for permission to say something, and get really, really frank. I told Him it would be a horrible idea to stay with someone, let them think that you are head over heels, and then three year later have her find "The Training of O" or "Water Bondage" on His laptop.

I compared it to gay men marrying women and having kids with them. Bad karma. Better to tell her now, because after the baby she will likely think "I'm ugly, it's the stretch marks and that's why He looks at that stuff".

I said "Dude, you've done this since college. You are not going to stop, not because you're weak but because it is who you are. You have random bondage sex with girls you meet on Craigslist (that's me)."

He said something about "choosing responsibility over true happiness". I said "I love you, so stop being so stupid".

So, we're having conversation. We'll see. I've stopped crying.



_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 5:28:16 PM   
candisa


Posts: 127
Joined: 1/7/2008
Status: offline 		greetings Statepalace,

This could be a great time for you to reflect upon all the memories you both have created, and all the wonderful things good and not so good you have learned. It really bothers  me when I hear " you are vanilla" so that implies you have less emotions invested or feelings?  As it was said before, time will help you find yourself again. moving on cautiously. It sounds to me like you have a really good handle on your emotions, I wish you all the best. 

_____________________________

respectfully,
candisa

Freely we serve, because we freely love, as in our will
To love or not; in this we stand or fall.



(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 6:10:42 PM   
Morghan


Posts: 99
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I don't know anything about your dynamic so I can't be sure this is even close to being on target... BUT...

Could you offer your service to them together, to help them succeed, stabilize, and give him space and support to figure out what he's going to do emotionally?  Its going to be brutally hard on you no matter what.  Your feelings have no doubt been crushed.  However, having an extra hand to do laundry or lift things, or clean a catbox can be priceless to a woman as she progresses in her pregnancy, and to the other partner as they try to balance their supportive role and probably a full time job.

In an ideal poly family you can provide each other with tremendous support to survive the tough times.  But each situation is unique, so if its time to walk away, so be it.

In Sympathy,

Morghan

(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 6:20:01 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Statepalace
So, we're having conversation. We'll see. I've stopped crying.

Good for you.  If there's a next time, do this earlier.  Being sub does not cancel out the importance of being frank and honest, even if the truth does hurt.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 6:31:17 PM   
Statepalace


Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: candisa

greetings Statepalace,

This could be a great time for you to reflect upon all the memories you both have created, and all the wonderful things good and not so good you have learned. It really bothers  me when I hear " you are vanilla" so that implies you have less emotions invested or feelings?  As it was said before, time will help you find yourself again. moving on cautiously. It sounds to me like you have a really good handle on your emotions, I wish you all the best. 



Oh, no, I didn't mean that because she is vanilla that she doesn't have as many feelings. Of course not. I just know Him. He's been actively doing these kinds of kink activities, and non monogamous, for over a decade. I know that if I were a vanilla girl that it would crush/horrify me to find out that my baby's father was a hard core sex freak that is happiest when objectifying a girl. Which He is. I just think it would end BADLY, and mainly for her. Doing "the right thing" shouldn't mean lying by omission and then getting caught years later and breaking her heart.

If He doesn't want to hurt her then He needs to be totally honest NOW, before she freaks out at the grand in toys He's bought me over the last year. If He ends it with me, I know that in a few years He will be restless and unhappy. Kid will be potty training, girl will be stressed, He will be stressed, and on TOP of all that He will be looking for kinky sex at the very least.

No one should have to pretend. She is not only vanilla, but doesn't know He has these interests. I just see bad things if He doesn't share all of it with her right from the beginning. Whether He keeps me or not, moving in with her and letting her think "love and puppies" is just wrong.

_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to candisa)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 6:35:46 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

I just see bad things if He doesn't share all of it with her right from the beginning.


Obviously he wants to be with her if he choosing to be with her.  If he wanted to he could support the child without living with her.  You need to look at his actions instead of his words.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 6:36:29 PM   
Statepalace


Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Morghan

I don't know anything about your dynamic so I can't be sure this is even close to being on target... BUT...

Could you offer your service to them together, to help them succeed, stabilize, and give him space and support to figure out what he's going to do emotionally?  Its going to be brutally hard on you no matter what.  Your feelings have no doubt been crushed.  However, having an extra hand to do laundry or lift things, or clean a catbox can be priceless to a woman as she progresses in her pregnancy, and to the other partner as they try to balance their supportive role and probably a full time job.

In an ideal poly family you can provide each other with tremendous support to survive the tough times.  But each situation is unique, so if its time to walk away, so be it.

In Sympathy,

Morghan




That is something I would happily do, if it allowed me to be with Him. I like kids, and have many nieces and nephews. I am even certified in prenatal massage. It is not, however, something that she would be ok with. It really would be ideal, as it would be cost effective and allow everyone to get their needs met. I'm not poly, but I could happily live in a poly situation with the man I love, if that makes sense. Two people to cook, clean, rub Hi feet - it would rock.

But it wouldn't work.

Right now she knows He "has fun" with others, and especially when He travels (which is 4 to 5 days a week), but from what He tells me she would react to "poly household" the same way as she would to "head lice".

_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to Morghan)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 8:12:09 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		To reprogram, you do the same thing you did to program. Every time you have a thought about doing something because it makes him happy, deliberately stop, think, "No, I don't." For example, with clothes, ask, "Do I want to wear this outfit for myself or for him?" If your picking it for him, pick something else.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Gone - 3/4/2008 7:19:30 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		He's lying.
To both of you.
You're lying.
To yourself.
You deserve better than this.
So does she, but that is not your problem.
He is.
There's a whole wide world out there just waiting for you. But you have to put this behind you first.
He's SO not worth it.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Gone - 3/4/2008 7:37:23 AM   
bleusparkles


Posts: 168
Joined: 2/11/2008
Status: offline 		I agree with blushes.

It sounds like he's about to try and have his cake and eat it too.

Men are strange. Sometimes they can NOT want children with a passion until the moment they find out one of their little soilders hit paydirt and then suddenly the idea of spawning sounds AWESOME. They wanna be Daddy ... No matter what the cost. Now it sounds like he's trying to get the best of both worlds ... And not being very honest about it either.

You deserve better, state.


_____________________________

bleu's a bit whimsical in the brainpan ...

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 40
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