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Dom control - 3/9/2008 9:53:10 AM

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Joined: 3/8/2008
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I need input/help/advice about my BDSM experiences. I've had a couple of Doms in the past who were a little too aggressive in trying to make me push my pain threashold, and it seems i'm running into it again. I'm definately turned on by getting bound and spanked/whipped and stuff, but i also have been raped and have issues around trust and boundaries as well as PTSD.

Seems like hearing someone cry is a big turn on for a lot of Doms. (maybe all?) I cry pretty easily but it doesn't change the fact that it still takes more pain to get me to do it than i really want. It's like, tearsville is quitting time for me, but it's just getting started time for the doms i've been with..(i say "doms" not that they are necessarilly that but because that's the role they played in the reltshp.)

Do i need to be more careful and thourough about establishing trust and boundaries, or do i need to just accept that tears are part of the deal and quit being such a wus... or just quit BDSM?

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 10:10:38 AM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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You need to be a lot clearer in what you're looking for. And to speak up immediately if it's getting to be too much. The first time ought to be devoted to seeing where your limits are. Giving feedback of how hard something felt. Because if a hit that requires medium force from him is enough to make you call red, then you just aren't a good match.

And personally I don't think one should ever ignore needing trust and boundaries.

Me? I'm not into pain at all, so I didn't even bother talking to anyone who defined himself as a sadist because I knew neither of would be happy. I went looking for someone more into bondage and some sensation play.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to warrywanderer)

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 10:24:17 AM

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Joined: 5/28/2007
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quote:

(i say "doms" not that they are necessarilly that but because that's the role they played in the reltshp.)

It sounds to me that the encounters that you've had have not been with established Doms, but perhaps with Dom-wannabes. Being a Dominant is so much more than tying someone up and whipping her. Any Dom who calls himself such will be extremely concerned about your welfare, both emotional and physical. And although pushing limits is part of his role, he should know when you've had enough. Have you ever used safe words? If you use a safe word and he ignores it, you need to leave ASAP. And in future play, make sure that your Dom understands that you WILL use your safeword if necessary, and he WILL cease whatever he's doing immediately.

What is your experience with BDSM? If you don't have much (and I don't mean play scenes where you've been tied up and flogged), then I highly recommend that you do some reading on BDSM and see if it's what you really want. Also, I would heavily screen any potential play partners -- you shouldn't trust just anyone to tie you up; that's a very dangerous route to go.

Best of luck!

_____________________________

"Everyone is normal until you get to know them." - Dave Sim

I rescue animals. My pockets and gas tank are always empty. My home is always hairy and my inbox full of sadness, but my heart is full when seeing those that are saved.

(in reply to warrywanderer)

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 11:09:58 AM

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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Are_you_perhaps_jumping_into_play_too_quickly?

Are_you_looking_for_a_relationship_or_just_someone_to-scene_with?

Do_the_people_you_have_been_with_have_experience_with_beginners?

I_think_it_is_important_to_negotiate_what_you_want_and_have_extensive_conversation_re:safe_words_and_such.

(in reply to bamabbwsub)

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 1:06:28 PM

Posts: 5560
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: warrywanderer

I need input/help/advice about my BDSM experiences. I've had a couple of Doms in the past who were a little too aggressive in trying to make me push my pain threashold, and it seems i'm running into it again. I'm definately turned on by getting bound and spanked/whipped and stuff, but i also have been raped and have issues around trust and boundaries as well as PTSD.

Seems like hearing someone cry is a big turn on for a lot of Doms. (maybe all?) I cry pretty easily but it doesn't change the fact that it still takes more pain to get me to do it than i really want. It's like, tearsville is quitting time for me, but it's just getting started time for the doms i've been with..(i say "doms" not that they are necessarilly that but because that's the role they played in the reltshp.)

Do i need to be more careful and thourough about establishing trust and boundaries, or do i need to just accept that tears are part of the deal and quit being such a wus... or just quit BDSM?

There may be a time and place to ease someone out of their comfort zone in a good way, but that isn't what I'm getting from the description given.

Everyone can benefit from making sure that their partner understands boundaries. If these Doms didn't spend time getting to know that you had issues, and that you wanted certain things, then you need to find someone who does.

(If they knew all of this and went ahead anyway, then somebody has more serious problems).

(in reply to warrywanderer)

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 3:11:31 PM

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From: Washington
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Sounds like you need a safeword that will be respected.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

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(in reply to Alumbrado)

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 5:03:01 PM

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Joined: 3/3/2006
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I dont make MY subs/slaves/pet cry.................(unless that is something they may be looking for?)

IM VERY CLEAR ahead of time.......... I mention it a FEW times Before we EVER even have a session.......... ON what the "boundries" are.......... safe words......... "limits".............. If everything is "respected"...........as it should be............. things "should" be ok................

.......... sounds like more Communication should be involved? Before you "play"?

_____________________________

"Ask not that your Dom can do for you, but what you can do for your Dom."

"People are like fine wine, they get better with age!"

"Everything happens for a reason."

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(in reply to proudsub)

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 6:33:16 PM

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: warrywanderer

I need input/help/advice about my BDSM experiences. I've had a couple of Doms in the past who were a little too aggressive in trying to make me push my pain threashold, and it seems i'm running into it again. I'm definately turned on by getting bound and spanked/whipped and stuff, but i also have been raped and have issues around trust and boundaries as well as PTSD.

Seems like hearing someone cry is a big turn on for a lot of Doms. (maybe all?) I cry pretty easily but it doesn't change the fact that it still takes more pain to get me to do it than i really want. It's like, tearsville is quitting time for me, but it's just getting started time for the doms i've been with.

Do i need to be more careful and thourough about establishing trust and boundaries, or do i need to just accept that tears are part of the deal and quit being such a wus... or just quit BDSM?

Have you told them everything that you just told us in this post?
Are you still having these problems after having explained all of this?

(in reply to warrywanderer)

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 6:51:04 PM

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
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I am a Domme and have been for sometime. I can honestly say I do not like to hear anyone cry. Frankly I find it irritating and I do not like it. I love moans, drawing in of a breath, panting, but no tears.

Now this is just a thought, perhaps these "Doms" do this because they just want to see if they can make a girl cry? I would say when seeking a Dom let him know ahead of time that your stopping point is tears, thats your safeword and if he goes past that you won't be playing with him anymore.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to warrywanderer)

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 6:56:58 PM

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: warrywanderer
Seems like hearing someone cry is a big turn on for a lot of Doms. (maybe all?) I cry pretty easily but it doesn't change the fact that it still takes more pain to get me to do it than i really want. It's like, tearsville is quitting time for me, but it's just getting started time for the doms i've been with..(i say "doms" not that they are necessarilly that but because that's the role they played in the reltshp.)

Tears come at different times and for different reasons for everyone. They are just a way of venting emotion--sometimes it is hard to tell what the emotion being vented will be. For a lot of submissives, that emotion is love, or happiness, or deep relief. Some tops can get a little densensitized to them or even think of them as a good thing, for that reason.

If tears are a warning sign of you having a bad experience, at least right now--tell your tops! And you might want to find more doms who identify as sensual rather than sadistic.

Just my two cents.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to warrywanderer)

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 7:29:30 PM

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

   I have never cried during play. I imagine if I started to, even if I were fine, my Dom would stop everything until he ascertained why I was crying and if I was really, really okay.
   If yours is making you cry, and you've explained to him that you are NOT okay with that, he is not pushing your limits. He's breaking them. Intentionally breaking limits is crossing the consensual line. If you have issues with boundaries, you should seriously reconsider this issue, as it seems that your play is not alright.
     It appears that your Dom may not understand the line between being a Dom and being an abuser. BDSM is a dangerous game, if you get involved with someone who is trust-worthy and caring, you can be safe and have fun. When it's with someone who doesn't understand that safety comes first, and that play needs to be consensual, you're getting into dangerous territory. I suggest that you might try counseling or read some books on healthy relationships. It may be time to drop the d/s dynamic until you get a better grasp on what you want, on what is okay with you, without pressure from your dom to be submissive.
      The situation you're in isn't right. You're not a wimp for not wanting to be beat to tears every time you play. It may be that you're just not into heavy pain and the dominant you are with isn't right for you. You shouldn't allow people to push your limits unless you're sure that's what you want.

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 7:49:23 PM

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Joined: 3/26/2004
Status: offline

For some crying is an emotional release that is needed to help attain subspace. For others,and apparently you included, crying is another way of saying "RED." In other words you need to let your Dom you're playing with know that when you start crying it is time to stop the scene. If the Dom ignores this, try saying "RED" and if you can't say this scream at the top of your lungs "MAYDAY." I know that in some areas of the country "MAYDAY" is a term used for help. If the Dom has gone into his or her own Dom Space and doesn't respond to you then they need to be stopped by anyone, especially a Dungeon Monitor, in order to prevent any harm coming to you. As for me crying is something I respond to with the questions of "Are you OK?" If the sub/slave says yes and that she want s to continue I do so, but if she tells me "NO!" then the scene stops right then and I immediately begin aftercare. Crying is not something that is normally done during a scene and it is the responsibility of the Dom to ascertain that everything is alright or stop the scene.

(in reply to warrywanderer)

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 8:48:57 PM

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Joined: 3/8/2008
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Thanks to everyone. I think it's clear to me at this point that it has been a problem of me going into the scene haphazardly without really doing the BDSM homework with others who are doing the same. I generally don't tell people i'm with that i'm a rape survivor...unless i have a flashback..then i have to tell them why i have to stop. It's not an easy thing for a guy to talk about...maybe not for a woman either, but ...let's just say it's hard to tell someone i aaahhg! whataami tryinta say?
I guess i have to tell people i'm with because they need to know how to not trigger a flashback..i just feel like if i start going into my issues the person will see me as a damaged victim, which would instantly kill the party.

I really am not into laying blame, even though someone i knew a couple years back completely ignored the safe word. That was the end of that. Now this person, who seems like a sweet person, also seems like an extreme sadist. I don't like to use a safe word, i just like to trust that when the tears come, so does the end of the beating/torture/whatever, but when i finally had to use the safe word and he later described my crying as "hot" i started getting bad BDSM de ja vu.

I guess just trying this stuff out without the study and preparation was just one more of my brilliant ideas. I am definately my own worst enemy. I like this guy i've been seeing, he seems very sweet, but like the woman i was with before, i wonder just how bad he fantasizes about hurting me and it kind of scares me. I just won't do bondage anymore. Even though i'm sure it would be a huge turn on if i could trust that much, i will only allow it with something like masking tape or something that if i can break if i really try.

But like i mentioned, i got raped at gunpoint in my own house...it wasn't a BDSM gone bad,...more like a burglury gone bad because i was there. So i really do need to do it the right way if i'm going to do it at all.
It seems like he has been loosing interest in me since i started talking to him about doing it by the book. I could be wrong though.

(in reply to katie978)

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 9:08:47 PM

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Joined: 5/28/2007
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~FR~

Sounds like you may have found the answer that you needed. I hope so! BDSM should be exciting and even fun -- not fraught with fear (well, not the bad kind, anyway).

Also, just so you know, there are people who get turned on by making someone cry. It's called dacryphilia.

dacryphilia:
Sexuoerotic arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of a partner or from seeing a partner cry.

Best of luck!

_____________________________

"Everyone is normal until you get to know them." - Dave Sim

I rescue animals. My pockets and gas tank are always empty. My home is always hairy and my inbox full of sadness, but my heart is full when seeing those that are saved.

(in reply to warrywanderer)

RE: Dom control - 3/9/2008 11:01:58 PM

SinergyNstrumpet

Posts: 305
Joined: 2/26/2008
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quote:

Seems like hearing someone cry is a big turn on for a lot of Doms. (maybe all?)

Although my Daddy has caused me to cry on occasion, it was not the goal, and he stops what he is doing... I think at times I would like him to keep pushing on some level sometimes, even though a larger part of me wants it to stop. I know crying is not a turn on for all doms, and the times I have done it did not physically arouse Daddy. Every dom is different, and even every couple is different.

quote:

Do i need to be more careful and thourough about establishing trust and boundaries, or do i need to just accept that tears are part of the deal and quit being such a wus... or just quit BDSM?

hmmmmm... what do you think? Is being forced into crying a limit for you if the rest of the relationship is something you adore? You are the only one that can answer this. It is not a limit for me, especially with the partner I have now. In fact I cannot think of one thing he would want to do with me that would be a limit for me. For me that is the key, I talked to a lot of dominants when I was looking and picked one who had the same limits and desires I did... and was willing to work up the trust to take me places I was reluctant to go. I picked someone that I eventually came to trust implicitly with my well being. If he even suspects I am in distress he stops to check me. He is not just about him... he is about us as a couple when we play. If he breaks me I would not just be hard to replace, I would be impossible to replace

. He has let me know that.

It is all up to you, what you feel comfy with, what you will allow. You asked if you needed to set more boundaries and establish trust... I think you knew the answer before you asked the question... trust your intuition.

julia

< Message edited by SinergyNstrumpet -- 3/9/2008 11:02:23 PM >

(in reply to warrywanderer)

RE: Dom control - 3/10/2008 10:47:24 AM

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Joined: 12/19/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: warrywanderer
I guess i have to tell people i'm with because they need to know how to not trigger a flashback..i just feel like if i start going into my issues the person will see me as a damaged victim, which would instantly kill the party.

That may happen but it's probably the lesser of the two evils, I think. You need to tell him for several reasons. You need to because the level of play is at a point where the intensity is encroaching upon some of your past bad experiences. You need to because he really has a right to know given the kinds of activity the two of you are engaging in. I don't think you have to share this with someone you've just begun chatting with but this guy really needs to know.

You need to tell mostly for yourself. So you won't feel so threatened or backed into a corner. Yeah, these revelations might dissuade some folks from playing with you. That's life and there's not really much you can do about that. You will find ones who will stay and work with you on this. They can only do that if they know what they are dealing with.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

(in reply to warrywanderer)

RE: Dom control - 3/10/2008 11:45:46 AM

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Joined: 2/21/2008
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communication is important when you’re in a D/s relation. When you don’t tell what you feel or the other ignores those feelings you will never be able to trust. I believe that when you meet the right person who respect you, your past and your feelings, you will find that trust and enjoy your relationship together. Able to explore things you both like and feel comfortable with. He might give you the trust in time you need to slowly go further step by step.

When you think he is losing interest because you want things in a curtain way..ask him..Doubt in this case isn’t good for neither of you.

_____________________________

~ Owned by Justme696 ~

Anais Nin:
I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

(in reply to warrywanderer)

RE: Dom control - 3/10/2008 3:02:54 PM

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You clearly need to establish limits, like "do not push me to tears:. Also, to find a respectful Dominant that knows what he is doing.

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(in reply to subJuneJM696)

RE: Dom control - 3/10/2008 3:59:20 PM

Posts: 5560
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quote:

ORIGINAL: warrywanderer

Thanks to everyone. I think it's clear to me at this point that it has been a problem of me going into the scene haphazardly without really doing the BDSM homework with others who are doing the same. I generally don't tell people i'm with that i'm a rape survivor...unless i have a flashback..then i have to tell them why i have to stop. It's not an easy thing for a guy to talk about...maybe not for a woman either, but ...let's just say it's hard to tell someone i aaahhg! whataami tryinta say?
I guess i have to tell people i'm with because they need to know how to not trigger a flashback..i just feel like if i start going into my issues the person will see me as a damaged victim, which would instantly kill the party.

You don't have to defend your boundaries by explaining every intimate detail of your life, you just have to make sure that they have been understood, and will be respected.
A friend of mine with similar issues has found the safeword to be a great comfort because it gives her power over her flashbacks which she never had in the real trauma or in nightmares about it.

Bottom line, play is a two way street... you have every right to have it go your way.

(in reply to warrywanderer)

RE: Dom control - 3/10/2008 7:44:48 PM

Posts: 74
Joined: 5/10/2007
From: Vancouver
Status: offline

Any so called Dom who ignores a sub in distress is simply a rapist. When you are untied, immediately pick up the flogger, whip etc and beat the shit out of him, he earned it.

That said, I think the problem here is probably being caused by you. That you have been raped (molested, abused etc) and have ongoing problems and issues is simply not all that uncommon amongst subs. Or Dominates for that matter. My personal and entirely anectdotal feeling is that most experienced Dom have dealt with issues in this area. From again personal experience, working though the issues of power, control, helplessness that lie at the heart of BDSM can be extremely helpful in dealing with these issues. But not if it catches a Dom by surprise. From your post, it sounds as if this violation of boundries has happened multiple times with multiple Doms. If this is the case, the common denominator is you.

You know what things tend to be triggers for your PTSD flashbacks. Again, any experienced Dom who is told that something is likely to trigger a traumatic flashback is going to approach it with all the care and consideration appropriate to defusing a bomb. Most won't even come close to those areas until they have a very solidly established base of trust and a good grip on how your personality operates.

There really is only three possibilites here

1) You are playing with inexperienced idiots. Choose somebody with experience.
2)You are not fairly participating in the discussions and by that, you are cheating both your self and the Dom. A lot of new subs get into a mindset where they think that admitting to anything less than total perfection as a sub will cause the Dom to lose interest. If they stop for a minute and think about what the Dom wants, they would realize that those flaws and imperfections are exactly what the Dom wants to know about. Learning them, dealing with them and getting past the issues is the entire difference between having a real human sub and simply abusing a manikin.
3) You imply that this has happened multiple times. I wonder what you are getting from this? I can see a bunch of possibilities which can't really be known by anyone but you. It seems a great method of self punishment (ie set it up so that you are dropped into your worst night mare). It also seems a great way to breakup a relationship so that it is all somebody elses fault. A little martyrdom perhaps? Its also a solid way to set up "nobody understands me". Im sure most of us recognise some of the mental games that could be played.

It might well be wise of you to simply quit BDSM. The difference between rape and S/M is intent and communication. What you describe is repeated failure to be clear about intent and and repeated failure to communicate. If you can't get yourself around these issues, then none of the other issues, including the rape issues can be dealt with inside of a BDSM relationship.

(in reply to warrywanderer)

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