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maybemaybenot -> RE: makeup or no makeup (9/26/2005 12:44:00 PM)
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First of all... a big Thank You to all who have written with pro and con advice/ideas, etc. While I may look like a hard head and unreasonable.. there have been things written that I did not consider. I have taken them to heart and have made a plan, outline of things I want to include in our discusssion. More to see if there is something more below the surface than what he is stating. Again, in my OP I offered the suggestion that maybe he is having difficulty with this. Seems by many relpies that is impossible. It has to be me, because I am submissive and he is Dominant. I actually hope that is the problem, that is something we can work with and can come to a resolution.
I began this thread for confirmation of what I was feeling, yes, that is true. I also said I would welcome any thoughts that could show to me how this would be a positive, relationship expanding experience. Some have pointed out possibilites that I did not consider, deeper than " master says, sub does" and they have been helpful in forming my approach to this all.
While I am fairly thick skinned and take criticism well, I do take issue with others re inventing my post.
As for my this being " all about my vanity". My written words were this:
*** I refer to myself as somewhat " vain ". Meaning that I am not a beauty queen, but like to look my best when out publically. < ie: hair done, make up on, dressed neatly, well groomed, clean, etc. You get the idea> ***
I clearly defined what I meant by " vanity", I even put it in quotations as not to be misunderstood. I simply like to look my best when out at work or in a public venue. < work and public are one in the same to me> My Dominant likes me to wear red.. bright red. I am a redhead, this is not a comlimentary color for me... I wear it when he wants, because it is appealing to HIM !!! I wear it publically, despite not liking it with absolutely no emotional distress. I could list many other things to bore everyone, but will not.
There are no inconsistancies in what I wrote.. they were taken out of context and " line itemed". My blotching is not my disease.. it is a side effect of medication.
If this cannot be worked out, I will leave yes, very true. This is not because I have some sort of extreme sense of conciet.. it is because I chose not to take on the emotional burden of feeling crappy about myself. < bad subbie, bad subbie, you have no right to feel good about yourself, you should feel like crap>
As for " you should have made it a hard limit".. I admitted perhaps the posters were correct in that. Lesson learned. However, in the conception of the relationship.. as I stated in my OP.... I told him I will not go out publically without evening my skin tone. " i will not".. I was not vague or misleading. I stated what I was not willing to do.
My final words are not to gain any one's pity.. I don't feel bad for myself, so need no one elses.
I spent three years on Prednisone < steroid> and Cytoxin < breast cancer chemotheraputic agent, used in my case to treat a different disease> Both of these drugs cause Physical, emotional, chemical, and psychcological disturbances that were beyond my ones control. I got a " moon" face which completely distorted my features. Due to the redistribution of fat my neck became like a linebacker, I got shingles 4 times, once on my forehead. I got a cataract, I went thru a complete and irreversable menopause, at a time I was planning to have a child. I lost bone density. I had 3 tooth abcesses requiring surgical intervention. I got an unknown amount of skin abcess, that required lancing I lived with a white blood cell count that put me a risk for secondary infection. I lost my immune system to fight these secondary infections. I lost my platelet count, which interferes with blood clotting. I had frequent scleral hemmorhaging< bleeding from the small vessels in the white's of your eye making it " blood red">
I could not go out during cold season very much, due to a depleted immune system. I had episodic hallucinations from dose increasing of Prednisone., I had chronic fatigue. Sometimes I lost my hair, sometimes I grew hair in very unfeminine places. Depended on my dosing of meds.. I could go on and on.... I lived with this for three years. Then I went thru another year of withdrawl from these medications which was physically painful. Bone and joint bpain, inability to bend my ankles or wrists for periods of time.. etc. I went to work every day, I maintained my home everyday, I cooked the meals every day, I involved myself in the lives of those I loved. Yes, I had days, some times many in a row, where I was miserable and not myself. I was entitled to that. And those who cared about me understood and accepted it. I still have scars on my back, my arms and my upper chest from the abcesses. I don't cover them or hide them. I wear sleeveless clothing in the summer, even backless dresses. I have no choice but to accept them. I believe I am a stronger person today, for having gone through it.. and as unpleasant as it was, there were many valuable lessons on what and who is important in your life and how you approach life.
So yes, I take offense to anyone suggesting this is soley about my vanity... I explained this was a result of illness/treatment. I did not think at the time I needed to detail any further than that. I spent a very long time with daily inner and outer " scars" and functioned quite well, because it was beyond my control. I had no choice. In this very itsy bitsy case of my make up wearing, I have a choice. Call me what you will.
This information and more was disclosed to my Dominant very very early on. It is possible I will go thru it again, he needed this information to see if he wanted to enter into our relationship given the potential medical problems and the duration of treatment. And this is one of the reasons this new request is soooooo out of character and upsetting to me. He knows where I have always stood on this matter. I think any " adjusting" to this matter, I did years ago. I know what humility is... i was "disfigured" for three years, on every level, not just outwardly.
maybemaybenot
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