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confused by feelings - 3/17/2008 7:02:16 AM

zet

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline

Hi everybody.
I'm quite new in scene, and i need now some advise. Earlyer time i have couple of time have rough sex with some bondage and slappers and so on. And I did like that.. I though that is what all is about in D/s-relationships and BDSM.

Then i met my Master. Couple of months He train me and this time was exiting and i feel like i'm in rollacoster. Some day i just love Him and everything He do, and some others i was sure that's not my world.. I'm quite emotial person, and i also analyze everything and everybody. I know all this outburst of feelings is part of my method to prosess new things. Now about week ago He put Collar on me. I have been waiting for it, really. BUT after that everything just snap in my head. I'm no loger sure can i please Him...

My question to all you slaves and submissives is: Is this normal? Have you have this kind of fighting inside of your head? How you have manage to calm your mind down?? Or do you thing i'm just not suitable being sub??

Sorry about my poor english, it's not my native language.. :)
zet

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RE: confused by feelings - 3/17/2008 7:18:50 AM

Shawn1066

Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

Do I have a constant conflict over being a submissive and submitting to my Owner? No. It's something that comes naturally and it's something that gives me a lot of satisfaction.

Are you a submissive? Only you can answer that. There could be numerous reasons why you've had your doubts. It could be the realtionship. It could be the communication, or lack there of, between you and your Master. It could, as you've said, just be that you're overemotional and you have to keep a better eye on your train of thought.

I had an inner conflict with myself over being submissive from about 14-17...but that's really it. That was mostly because I thought there was something terribly wrong with me. A lot of introspection helped.

DV's Fox

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RE: confused by feelings - 3/17/2008 7:20:18 AM

favesclava

Posts: 1608
Joined: 2/15/2007
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i remember laying awake all night when next to Him . my feelings so strong i couldnt relax , overwhelmed by it all. wondering if it was right , what if it escalates, what if i really get hurt. my heart full of wonder falling deeply in love and need. now i fall asleep immediately safe and secure. comfortable in the knowledge that this is the right thing for me, the only thing . best of luck.

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Okay? Ready? Fine .Here's my hand. We are going now. I know the way. All you have to do is hold on tight ... and believe.SK

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RE: confused by feelings - 3/17/2008 7:25:43 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

It may be a bit like prewedding jitters. I am also about to be collared, and have been thrilled about it, then one afternoon I got very scared. I started wondering whether I was good enough, or ready for the commitment, or whether He truly cared about me. He kept emphasizing how I would have to do every single thing that He said (which I already thought I was doing, willingly and with good attitude) and nothing about His commitment to me (as my teacher, trainer, protector) in return.

I let him know that I was feeling confused, and that sometimes I wondered if He even liked me. I got the most beautiful emails in return. He had just been trying to make sure that I understood my end of the commitment, and let me know that I have been everything that He is looking for and that He likes everything about me, that He adores me, and we are closer than ever. I have no doubts left in my mind at all.

There is no doubt that collaring is a very significant event - many considering it to be the rough equivalent of an engagement or wedding ring in the vanilla world. Look inside to see what really has you concerned. Are you somehow afraid you aren't good enough? Or that He doesn't feel as strongly for you as you do for Him? Those things can be communicated about. Are you afraid you don't enjoy the lifestyle? Then you have some more thinking to do.

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RE: confused by feelings - 3/17/2008 9:30:16 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
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I think it is very normal that your emotions are a roller coaster. I think what you describe is the biggest hurdle to overcome when our brain stops at lets sees where this goes and has to reconcile that it is in fact going to a more serious area in commitment.

You have been taught your whole life that things should be this way and certain things done differently are wrong. So here you are in the process of not only doing many things that have been preached “wrong” but have found yourself really happy in doing so.

I have been owned three times and certainly my last time I knew everything to expect in the area that causes these emotions and I was too a roller coaster with my emotional feeling. In the end though I have always just grounded myself in the fact that this was what was giving me the best opportunity for me to be happy. It was my best fit.

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I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

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RE: confused by feelings - 3/17/2008 9:30:47 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

Is this normal?

there is no normal...only what is normal or not for YOU.

quote:

Have you have this kind of fighting inside of your head?

no, it is not normal for this slave to fight against submission...it is her knee-jerk reaction to the world around her.

quote:

...do you thing i'm just not suitable being sub??

only YOU can decide if being a sub suits you or not, no-one here can answer that for you as well as you can answer that for yourself.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 3/17/2008 9:31:50 AM >

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RE: confused by feelings - 3/17/2008 5:51:34 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Were you expecting things to be different?

It can be very common for novices to go through a lot of ups and downs and transitions before they finally internalize that this is who they are, this is what works for them, and that it really is OK to just BE who you are and trust that. Even if you know that intellectually, even if you want it more than anything, it can take awhile to really understand and make it part of who you are to be steady and stable.

Try to have patience with yourself, work it out, allow yourself to be "normal" and ask yourself what you would do if you were the ultimate perfect version of yourself.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: confused by feelings - 3/17/2008 11:42:20 PM

zet

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/14/2008
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Thank you for You all. I think maybe i'm just a bit impatient with my feelings. :) I just would like everything be perfect right away.

It's good to hear that someone else had same kind of hesitations. Eventhou i know everybody have to work things out in their own head, it makes me feel more comfort to understand i'm not only one with these toughs. I have been discuss my feelings and hesitations with my Master, and He are very understanding and symphatic, but i feel a bit stupid to bother Him with my fears, if those fears are not actually about Him..

I will give myself time to learn and time to grow better.. And just trust He will guide me right direction..
z[Mq]

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