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LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 6:25:06 AM

colouredin

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OK in relationships, everyone needs space that makes sense, my relationship is rather new and we are finding our feet, we all get on there is a lot of chemistry but at the same time Sir and girlie have seperate issues (not relating to the relationship but something that has occured since my becoming involved) and so there are lots of frayed emotions and Sir has said he needs some space to calm down. Thats fine I understand that need but as it is I live 5 hours away, how can I really give him more space than that? Of course there is the added issue that its a Poly relationship so where one needs space the other doesnt etc.

My question is really how can I give him space and how long can you really have space in a relationship before it stops being a relationship.

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RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 6:52:22 AM

chamberqueen

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When people ask for space they rarely mean physical distance, but you know that. He may feel that you have been asking for more than he can easily give (and each person has a different tolerance for that), or perhaps the two of you have had a recent disagreement and he just needs time to think.

Crowding someone never makes them closer. Find out from him what he would like you to do. Let him choose how often you email, chat or talk on the phone. It can hurt when you desperately want to be in contact with someone you have turned yourself over to and he isn't responding as often as you wish, but this gives you a chance to show your maturity. If it turns out that he only wants an email a month then maybe it's time to look for someone who can give you the attention that you need.

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RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 6:56:49 AM

KatyLied

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quote:

how can I give him space

Wait for him to contact you? Ask him exactly what the issue is and try to find specifically what he is objecting to. People are different, some like/need a lot of contact, some not as much. Maybe you need to work on finding a mutal comfort zone. Maybe you need someone who is comfortable with more contact than he is.

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RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 7:52:10 AM

RCdc

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You obviously are aware of what the difficulty is between your Sir and girlie, so you are in the best position to understand why he needs space. The question of 'how long' really depends entirely on yourself. It all depends on the patience you have and if you can deal with the feeling of isolation that may occur.

I have experience of this at the beginning of our relationship and I was over 8 hours away at the time. It really comes down to how much you can submit to and keep sane at the same time. You have shit that needs to be fulfilled too and you have to work out if they will be dealt with at some point - or whether you will just never know when. The time factor is purely your choice.

Space depends on what he is asking for. If he is removing his authority, then the relationship doesn't exist anyway. Its so hard to answer without knowing exactly what 'space' is being requested. If he is simply wanting time alone with girlie, you just have to accept that as long as you can manage.

It all comes down to how much you can submit and if you are maintained(best word I can think of right now)

the.dark.

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RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 8:39:49 AM

Daddyslilpookie

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If Daddy asks for space from me that means to go do somthing else while he watches a basketball game or somthing. My advice to you if he wants space then let him have it, it's like that saying about the butterfly if you love something let it go if it comes back that's how you'll know

? Be patient best of luck to you.

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RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 8:57:39 AM

SinergyNstrumpet

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quote:

My question is really how can I give him space and how long can you really have space in a relationship before it stops being a relationship.

I agree with katy, waiting for him to contact you is a start.

I have a long distance relationship, and I can sense when he needs space. I leave him alone unless there is something that I need to talk to him about. He doesn't even have to tell me anymore when he needs space, I can hear it is in his voice. I think that it is pretty apparent when people need some distance.

With him and in knowing him, that is just how he is at times. He is like this when we are together, he is like this when we are not. I just go get busy with the things I need to get done. If his need for space began to get in the way of my need for intimacy then I would have to question his suitability as my partner.

I suppose that is where I am going with this. You say you are new to each other, and he is having difficulties. Life is full of difficulties, so my question is can you put up with how he handles his? And that is how I am going to answer the second part of your question... it quits being a relationship when you become so frustrated and unfulfilled within its boundaries that you bail. Hopefully that is not what will happen since you really like this man, but once the new starts wearing off a relationship we start seeing things we did not initially

julia

(in reply to colouredin)

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RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 10:16:07 AM

colouredin

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Thanyou all, I know I think you all put it in a way that really I couldnt think myself, esp .the.dark and julia. I havent really had much experiance of relationships to be honest so though I may understand how people are feeling im not the best at knowing what I am feeling and when a relationship is no longer a relationship, I guess though its just a case of waiting and seeing what happens.

In the past I have tended to hang on to an idealised view of things and put aside my own stuff for the sake of others until I end up hating them other person. I guess thats something I have to stop doing.

But to clarify the type of space he wants is emotional and physical from well all of us (which is obviously hard as he lives with girlie)

But thanks all for the advice :D

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RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 10:23:59 AM

DesFIP

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As to how much space before the relationship is ended? That's up to you. Are you willing to wait three years with no contact and then come running back? How about six months? See, it's all about your feelings. Personally, telling me that they need open ended space is something I'm not interested in. But I'm his partner so I need to be the one he shares his problems with. Telling me he needs a day to get a handle on how to express it? Fine, I've had to do the same. Much more than that and I have to believe I'm a hindrance and not a help, and I don't like being in that position.

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RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 10:32:37 AM

OmegaG

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IMO, if he wants his responsibilities to me to be suspended, that's fine, he can have all the time he wishes, but he will understand before taking that time that my obligations are suspended during that time as well and if I just happen across other forms of entertainment and wander off then that is the consequenses for the actions.

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Post #: 9

RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 10:37:41 AM

RCdc

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If he is wanting that kind of seperation colouredinone, then for your own health and life, you need that same space too. You don't owe someone any loyalty if they are withdrawing to sort out their own head, because they may not return. You have to deal and sort out yourself - holding out time for them might end up in nothing occuring at the end and you need to cover yourself for that eventuality.

hugs
the.dark.

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Post #: 10

RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 10:41:09 AM

colouredin

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thanks dark, guess I know that really, not a nice thing to face though is it

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RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 10:48:31 AM

RCdc

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No, it's not. I know you understand deep down, and you don't have to disregard him or 'move on' - but keep your options open hey. Don't get too fixed on one goal and close other options. You know you can contact me anytime hey.

the.dark.

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Post #: 12

RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 10:58:09 AM

SinergyNstrumpet

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Joined: 2/26/2008
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quote:

In the past I have tended to hang on to an idealised view of things and put aside my own stuff for the sake of others until I end up hating them other person. I guess thats something I have to stop doing.

Having bitter feelings toward someone as a way to get over them is something I think a lot of people do. I also think it is a rather immature way of getting over hurt feelings for the reasons you state. If you blame that other person you do not have to look at your part. You do not have to grow. You do not have to look at your needs and how they can be realistically fulfilled.

It seems you have just come to an valuable epiphany with this statement that I quoted, you do not have to be angry at someone to understand they are all wrong for you. Some deep insights will come to you if you can only allow others to be who they are, but at the same time create and keep healthy boundaries for yourself. It is a tricky balancing act in the beginning, but it is a rather worthwhile one to master.

julia

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 13

RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 11:14:41 AM

Mercnbeth

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colour,

quote:

everyone needs space

First off, that's NOT necessarily true. In our case, we try to keep the 'space' between us a small as possible. When the space involves distance, the goal is to shrink the space and the time of that distance. So don't assume that a relationship requires 'space'. In some cases, hearing "I need my space" can be translated as "I need to get away from you!".

Regarding your case, only you can know what is really going on, but please make sure for your own sake that you, and "Sir & girlie" are working from the same definition of 'relationship'. You can think of this as a relationship, he and/or she can see it as a 'booty call'. The problem with that is they may never tell you as much.

Trust your 'gut'. Know yourself, and question motives; yours and theirs. "Chemistry" is a reference to a physical reaction. Often once the independent elements are mixed there is an initial effervescence. After that initial combustion, some of the elements participate out of the mix and end up on the bottom of the beaker, and sometimes the 'chemist' tosses out that mix because they didn't get the reaction they wanted or expected; even though the individual chemicals did what was in their nature.

Take a deep breath, a step back, and see if your perspective changes.

Trust yourself.

Don't compromise your goals.

Good luck!

(in reply to colouredin)

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RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 11:18:43 AM

akisha

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I agree with the dark.

My former needed to go away to deal with a fairly serious issue. I put the social part of my life basically on hold waiting to see if things would come back in time when he was done. It took me about 8 months to realize that i was wasting my life away waiting for something that may never happen. It was not healthy, I finally had to admit to myself that if he really wanted me in his life he would have made sure that i knew that. lol guess I'm a slow learner at times.

Wait as long as you feel it is healthy or worthwile, but don't waste a year on something that might never happen. Only you can decide how long is long enough though, it's different for every person and every relationship.

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RE: LDR's and Space - 3/19/2008 4:21:44 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I think this would be the time to not only ask him what he means, but establish baselines of communication. We can all understand issues and problems coming up and causing changes- but relationships require responsibility and commitments. It's reasonable to set up a basic standard of responsibility on his part to continue to stay in contact with you through this rough time.

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