RE: He's scared to hurt me

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RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/21/2008 12:11:30 PM

Torimi

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Joined: 12/25/2007
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Hm... do you guys think I should write him something like a list of "I would like to try", "maybe later" and "dont do that"?
Or would that be too pushy?

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RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/21/2008 12:32:11 PM

colouredin

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Why not just tell him?

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RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/21/2008 12:37:48 PM

puddlesofvirgo

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If you find it hard to say your thoughts to Him in person then writing a list would be the next best thing. Though He may require you to talk to Him after getting the list of the things that you would like to try or what you don't think that you would like to try. Either way it is a start as to letting Him know what is on your mind. I know that there are people that do have a hard time in voiceing their thoughts and feelings.

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RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/21/2008 2:31:37 PM

Poetryinpain

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Joined: 3/20/2008
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On another thread, someone mentioned you could Google "BDSM checklist) and find several checklists of "activities" that you could go through, either on your own or together.

Who knows - you may even find something new to try.

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RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/21/2008 3:45:36 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
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tori > you should be doing both writting down a road map if you will of your past current and future and hell no's !and what is that ? and also add a yeah maybe i might try that ..After writting it all out then sit and disscus ,get input ,ask questions .Your both now on this path together , like i said this is not a to go order of take out food .What do you wish ?what does he wish ?do you want to keep pushing your boundries ?will he ? can you both learn and grow as a bdsm D/s couple ?I can go on and on with questions on a fairly new relationship , yet in the end every relationship differs and you both have to find your own path and dynamic upon your journey together .Just cuz Baskin Robbins has 31 flavors does not mean you have to eat them all in one sitting upon the first visit .

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RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/22/2008 7:54:36 AM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Torimi

...is scared that he will overstep my limits and thus make me feel like a victim.

   I suggest that you two have a session where you just experiment with pain (as that seems to be the area you're having issues with). Drop the D/s dynamic or the sex or anything else if it will get in the way.

     He's afraid of overstepping your limits, and that you won't safeword out. Since he's not sure you'll tell him when he's hitting too hard until it's too late, have him ask you the intensity of the strike AFTER EVERY STRIKE. Sure, it won't be as sexy as a full-on scene, but it will help you communicate with him without getting caught up in the scene and letting yourself get hurt. It will also help him have a baseline of what your limits are.

    As far as feeling like the victim, I suggest you choose the toys for the above-mentioned scene, or any time thereafter. It's hard to get into the victim headspace when you're choosing what he's victimizing you with! He could take this even farther, you pick the weapon of choice, choose how many strikes and to what body part. Sure, it loses some of the sexy D/s-ness, but it would help you overcome your shyness and would help both of you feel like you have equal say in the play.

    When you're new, you can't nessecarily jump into things feetfirst, it takes some time feeling out yourself and your partner to understand what you both are looking for. It can be hard to speak up in the bedroom, but you probably would only have to do the above a few times before he figured out how much you could handle. I hope this kind've helps you two. Good luck!

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RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/22/2008 12:02:58 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: katie978
He's afraid of overstepping your limits, and that you won't safeword out. Since he's not sure you'll tell him when he's hitting too hard until it's too late, have him ask you the intensity of the strike AFTER EVERY STRIKE.

Bingo. Just what I was going to say.

And you do know what appeals to you. Do you fantasize about being bound and forced to have orgasm after orgasm? Or do you fantasize about being put over his knee and spanked until you promise to be good?

Does the thought of someone sticking needles into you make you want to be ill? Then that's something you aren't ready for and maybe never will be.

Tell him the three things you mostly have fantasies about and start with those. Stay within the limits of stuff you like the idea of and let him decide how to do it.

Bondage.com has good checklists if you don't like the ones here.

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Post #: 27